51. Briar
51
brIAR
1 WEEK LATER
W e're on a private jet headed to France.
It's the early hours of the morning. Usually I'm starving after spending a night with Dimitri, but I have no appetite this morning.
All I can think about is the fact that I'm going to see my mother today. And it makes all sorts of emotions rise up.
"You need to eat something, solnishko ," Dimitri says.
"Later," I say.
He hands me a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice. I take a little sip of it. It's mildly comforting.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks.
"I'm just in a spiral of self-pity right now," I say. "You don't want to hear about it."
"That's where you're wrong," he says. "I want to hear it. I want to hear all of it."
He takes my free hand and envelops it in both of his.
"I think I have a new fear," I tell him. “A fear of flying. Every time I get on an aircraft, something bad happens."
“But that’s not what has you all worked up right now, is it?” he asks.
"I'm scared out of my mind." I take a deep breath.
“I won’t leave your side for even a second,” he says. “I won’t let you out of my sight.”
I shake my head and glance down at my hands. "It's not that. I'm scared that I'll always feel this way. Like..."
He’s quiet as I try to gather my thoughts.
"Like no matter what I do and where I go, I'll never be happy again," I say. "Like I'll always carry this heaviness inside me. And it will always try to drag me down."
He lifts my hand and kisses it.
"It's okay to be sad about it, solnishko ," he says. "Your mother was an evil woman. You and your sisters didn't deserve to be put through all that turmoil. What happened to you is something no little girl should have gone through.”
"I was just so scared," I say. "Like all the time. I spent my entire life being afraid of what would happen if I didn't follow her orders. And...I didn't know what love was until I met you."
He scoops me into his arms and holds me against his chest.
“I wish I could’ve been there for you in some shape or form,” he says. “I wish I could have protected you from the evils of the world.”
My tears fall on his shirt, soaking him.
"I'm sorry," I say, wiping the tears from my cheeks.
“Never apologize for having feelings, baby," he says, kissing the top of my head.
He rests his head on top of mine. I feel his affection envelop me like a warm blanket. I nuzzle against his neck and let him hold me as I cry.
He's so gentle with me that it breaks my heart even more. I cry until my tears run dry.
"I tried to be the perfect daughter she wanted me to be," I say. "But nothing was ever good enough. No matter what I did, it was never enough."
“You were a child, Briar,” he says. “You were vulnerable and she knew it. She tried to shape you into a puppet, but you were meant for so much more than that. What happened to you wasn’t right.”
"I just wanted a Mom who loved me," I say. "She was supposed to take care of me, but she hurt me. And worse, she almost hurt my baby too."
His fingers spread over my stomach, holding me possessively.
"I promise you that I'll do whatever it takes to protect our family," he says. "And what she did won't go unpunished."
I shake my head. "Somehow, I don't think getting revenge will make me feel any better."
"What will, then?" he asks.
"What?"
"What will make you feel better?" he asks. "Tell me and I'll make it happen."
I take a deep breath. Dimitri doesn't know it, but he just soothed all the aching parts of me with what he just said. Not once in my life did someone ask me what I wanted in life. I never stopped to ask myself either.
Nobody ever cared.
But this man does. He cares about my wants and needs. He cares about my well-being.
I look up at him and see the concern in his dark eyes. He makes me feel like I'm the center of his universe. As I look at him, I realize that being loved like this by the one I love is all I really want.
"This," I say, pressing a kiss against his chest. "You and me. It's what I want."
"You already have me, babe," he says. "My heart beats solely for you."
And when he says this, I know that he means it. I can hear the steady rhythm of his heart underneath my ears.
The stars conspired to bring the two of us together. We've both been through some things, but it feels like it will all be okay when we're together.
I stop mourning the childhood I never had because I'm excited about the future we can build together.
And for once, I trust that it will all be okay.