Chapter 8
I’ve barely made it ten steps into the west wing before a knock rings out in the main living space. Hoping it’s Leon, I’m slightly disappointed when it’s Viella who comes bounding in.
“May we discuss tonight?” She beams at me, holding up a wig of long dark locks.
“Sure, I can find the others, and we can—”
She loops her arm with mine and leads me into the library. “We will speak with them later too. I would just like to go over it a few times. I’m feeling…” She searches for the right word, “…nervous about it.” Her bright smile dims to reveal a sliver of apprehension.
Nervous? That’s not something I would ever associate with her.
I debate asking where Lillian is, as she would want to be briefed on this as well, but Viella sought me out alone and I have to assume it was on purpose.
If she needs to review the plan a hundred times to feel comfortable, I’m willing to do it. “Of course. Anything for you.”
Her shoulders drop with relief. “Thank you, Izzy.”
I find some blank parchment and draw out a map of Ellova and Adreania for her to follow. “I know you have your own way of getting into Adreania but you could take my family’s secret entrance.” I circle the two trees on the map that hide the passageway.
She nods. “That will be faster.”
“The orphanage marks the beginning of Beggars’ Row when you get past the wall.
The transition from Beggars’ Row to the next district is marked by fine brick homes, and you’ll want to start there, then make your way back towards the orphanage.
They won’t be expecting me, but they will recognize the leather bags.
Written instructions for the elixir will be placed into each one. ”
She studies the map.
“I’ll be right back.” I disappear into my room. My work desk is still a mess of jewelry materials, scrolls, ink pots, and books.
From the bottom drawer I pull out the ornate silver jewelry box my father made for my mother.
My heart strangles at the sight of my parents’ handwriting on faded letters. I bring them up to my nose. They have long since stopped smelling like her perfume, but I inhale anyway, the memory of lilac and lemongrass enough to imagine it lingers.
If I could speak to her now, would she understand my feelings towards Leon or mourn for me for making the same mistakes that ended her life?
After my father was no longer allowed to stay with us, she read them to me. I was too little to truly understand, but even as a dewling, I felt the love in her voice at every word.
After the enervation of her heart, when death hovered nearby, I read them to her by candlelight as silent tears streamed down her face.
I haven’t opened them since.
A large key sits at the bottom, rusted on the edges.
I take it and replace the letters. When I return to Viella, I hand her the key to the orphanage’s stables.
“Normally Cyanna opens the door for me, but my mother held on to one key in case we needed to get to my father in the mortal realm. Keep it safe.”
She holds the key close to her chest. “I will.”
“I have a favor to ask.”
She mirrors my words back at me. “Of course. Anything for you.”
I smile at that. “When you are on your way back, and only if everything goes smoothly, could you check on Farren?” Guilt eats at me that I have been gone so long.
“Oh, Izzy, of course I will.”
“Try to get him to follow you home. I know he hates it here but maybe he will be curious enough to know where I went to follow you.”
“I’ll pack extra treats for our little friend.”
Relief floods my chest. “Thank you.”
He is fine; that I know. Besides sleeping with me at night, he spends sunup ’til sundown exploring the forest. Chasing butterflies and playing with the wild foxes near the cottage. Just as happy to hunt for his meals as he is to eat off my plate, but still, I miss my furry companion.
My sweet fox, how I miss you.
Before she leaves, I ask, “Is Lillian all right?”
Viella looks down at her shoes. “Well, she’s certainly not pleased with the situation, but she knows how important this is.” When she finally looks up at me, she says, “I do not have a reassuring history of leaving and coming back.”
No, she does not, but that was a long time ago. “But this is nothing like that. I’m sure she is just scared. She thought she lost you once. Watching you rush into potential danger must be hard on her.”
She nods, her eyes glassy. “I asked if she wished to speak to the temple guardians about the possibility of her and me…” Her voice fades.
Oh. They have gone through a dark time in their relationship, but they are so much stronger now.
Lillian loves her so fiercely, but I understand her reluctance. “She said no?”
“She said she knows without a doubt we are Zemras, but she’s not ready. I fear she may not ever be, after the last time.” Viella sighs, leaving without the beautiful smile that usually graces her face.
My already sorrowful soul twists for her.
I cannot have my happy ending, but I wish so deeply for my friends to find theirs.
Ifind Nueena in her greenhouse, tending to some flowers and humming to herself.
Time for all the confessions I have been holding close to my heart.
“Leon and I kissed,” I blurt out, taking a seat on the ledge of a planter.
“What?” She lets out a quiet squeal of delight and rushing to come to sit beside me, eager for the tale.
“A few times actually. Back in the Gem Court, right after my magic attacked him, more than kissed.”
“The Gem Court? That was a week ago! Why didn’t you say anything?”
Guilt that I didn’t tell her tightens my chest even though I know she will understand. As vivid as the day it happened, the memory forms of his warm body in the cool waters as we sink to the bottom of the spring. The taste of lochkiss on his tongue, rough hands all over me, soft sand beneath us.
“I didn’t tell you because I know you worry about me.
I wanted to keep what happened close to my heart in case he leaves so I could pretend it never happened, for my own sanity.
At the spring, the crown almost killed him, and then the next moment I couldn’t resist him any longer, couldn’t shove down all that I’ve felt for him all these years.
I showed him the cave where I went to hide as a dewling and told him about my mother.
I truly thought the crown was going to kill him and I would lose him forever.
It sounded silly but I just needed to be with him, more than I needed air.
I lost all rational thought. I knew, deep within me, I needed to give in. ”
Her eyes are soft, filled with compassion. “So how was the kiss?”
How can I put into words the sensations I felt when his lips finally touched mine? Two years of dreaming about him was nothing compared to that moment.
I’m embarrassed at the giggle that escapes me.
“It was everything I’ve been dreaming about.
Beautiful. He kissed me as if madness had already taken him, but not the kind that destroys.
I could feel the love and longing poured back into me, but instead of suffocating on it like I had been, it was like I could finally breathe. ’Til our fight about being Zemras.”
“Oh, Del. Mortals cannot be Zemras.” She says it with such gentle calmness, only seeking to protect me from my own feelings.
The ache in my head is getting worse. “I know that, but he will not listen to reason. Leon is…” I struggle to find the word that encapsulates how wonderful he is, what a caring and gracious man I have found.
“…perfect, but he refuses to let go of a future we can never have. Even if we could be Zemras, he cannot tie his life to mine. The crown’s magic would destroy his mortal body if we were to try now. ”
She nods. “That’s completely understandable.”
“Last night we went even further. In fact, if the attackers had arrived a few minutes earlier, they would have seen much more of me than I wished to share. I wanted to tell you, but Leon had almost died, again. The attempt to take me seemed like the important event to fret about. Plus, a gathering to discuss the threats to our lives is a strange place to announce that.” I laugh.
“Sorry, everyone, I know we have to prepare for a possible war, find out who sent those attackers and probably killed them so they cannot share what they know, plan a secret mission to Adreania to heal the mortals, somehow remove the crown, throw a coronation ball, and have a crowning day, but I kissed Leon and he gave me a toe-curling orgasm before saving me from being stolen away! Carry on. How many ships do we need?”
Nueena chuckles. “Does this mean you two are finally together?”
When I do not answer, she gives me time to think for a moment.
She runs her jeweled fingers in the soil, and yellow blossoms follow her touch, rising into the air.
With a wave of her hand, the flowers weave together to form a crown.
Little purple buds follow, swirling around before placing themselves within the crafted bloom.
Nueena gently places the flora circlet on my head and patiently waits for me.
I reach up and touch the soft petals, such a sweet gift. “I’m not sure.”
Nueena sees through me and takes a moment to collect her own thoughts before speaking. “Do you want to be Zemras with Leon?”
I do not know what the Zemra temple looks like, but I imagine a golden structure, surrounded by sparkling gems. Leon and I holding yellow crystals together, magic flowing around us. Beautifully bonded and utterly devoted to each other.
It’s a nice daydream.
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” My heart twists but I try to keep the grief off my face. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, but it’s dangerous enough for him to exist around magic, let alone for it to be part of him. I could not bear it. Mortals and magic are incompatible.”
Nueena nods and looks up at the stained-glass ceiling as if it holds the answers we seek.
“So few mortals have been allowed in Ellova, and we really don’t know much about them.
I suppose that just because a mortal has never been accepted into the temple doesn’t mean it’s impossible.
Fae are able to have dewlings with them.
That might mean something.” Her expression is contemplative as she swirls a long braid around a finger, lost in thought.
“You are right, though. You still have the madness to think about. I can feel Tavien right now; if his mind were in agony, I would experience his madness too. To tie yourself to someone whose sanity is bound to be lost might be too cruel to even dream about.”
I nod, closing my eyes for a moment to give me the courage to say, “It’s just that…
no matter how much I want him, it’s excruciating to love him knowing I will have to live the rest of my life without him.
It leaves me aching to think that my only options are that he will die while I keep living for centuries alone or that I will die of a broken heart after losing him. ”
She lets out a low laugh but there’s no humor in it. “Yes, I’ve felt this way about you for decades, Della. That doesn’t mean we stop being friends. We treasure the time we have together; we always have.”
I give her a small, sad smile and lay my head on her shoulder. We have talked about my early death before, but she has so many people to support her after losing me: Tavien and Vi, Lillian and Hiliyah, her parents and sisters. They will all have to mourn me too, but they will have each other.
I know I will have them too after Leon is gone but it does not bring me the comfort I need.
Nueena continues, “Magic is unpredictable and there are so few half-fae in history. We have no idea how long you will live. You have already far surpassed a mortal lifespan, but it doesn’t mean that you cannot savor your time together. Maybe it’s worth a few decades of happiness.”
Fear grips my chest with my uncertain future bare before me. My mother wasn’t strong enough to survive after losing my father. I can’t know if I would be strong enough either. What if I never get this crown off and it kills me long before a broken heart does?
“I’m so scared, Nu.”
She wraps her arm around my shoulders. “I asked my mother. She thinks that if you live outside Ellova, you might age with him. She said an Ellovian was shipwrecked on one of the dark islands once, and when he was able to sail back home decades later, he had aged, not completely like a mortal, but enough that it was noticeable. You, being only half-fae? Well, it might mean growing old together.” She doesn’t turn to look at my expression, but if she did, she would only see agony there.
“It would mean the loss of your powers, but your mortal side might take over and learn to live without your magic. You are half-mortal. Dying from a broken heart might not happen. Not everything that affects the fae affects you the same.”
I jerk back and balk at her. Dread fills me at the idea of abandoning my home and everyone I love here. “I know what I want: a lifetime with both of you. But I would not leave Ellova.”
“You have the crown made specifically for a fae to be able to live in the mortal realm. It was just something Mother was going to suggest to you, since her ‘mortals are forbidden’ speech went mostly ignored and now he is an Ellovian citizen.”
We both giggle at that.
“I do not think I could have ever stopped my feelings for him, not with him here with me in this realm. My only path was to fall hopelessly in love with him, and now that I have, I feel trapped by time.”
“He loves you too. That much is abundantly clear. Love is always worth the risk,” Nueena says, “even if it is not forever. Be brave, Della.”