Chapter 17 #2
Noting my posture, Lowell looks me up and down. “You should be grateful that you are no longer contributing to the mass extinction and degradation of a vital ecosystem,” he says, curling his upper lip in disgust. “Because that’s your whole thing, right?”
My hands fall from my face into my lap, grunting in frustration. While I try not to let his jabs hurt me in the way he intends, I feel the prickle of guilt and shame blight my heart.
“I don’t believe you.” Hot tears begin to burn in the corners of my eyes. “I became a scientist to preserve our continent to the best of my abilities, not destroy it. You’re wrong about everything, and needlessly cruel.”
“Oh, you can’t even begin to fathom the breadth of the meaning of the word ‘cruel,’” he spits, a hollow growling in his throat tapering to a soft purr. “Are you standing by your Misya Swamp signatures, then? All of them?”
I don’t let a tear fall despite the tightness in my throat. “No. But I don’t think what I’ve done is wrong in the way you are suggesting.” I grit my teeth. “I have no reason to trust you, so I don’t.”
“For fucks’ sake. Not this shit again.” Lowell wipes sweat from his forehead, moisture collecting in the grooves of his smile lines.
“You’re so fixated on ‘good’ and ‘right’, like they’re the only words you know.
You wrote about ethics so much in your research papers that it made your work so easy to spot, I rarely ever needed to look at the author to know it was you. ”
“You can read?” I say, snide through sniffles. Despite my jibe, I’m honestly impressed he read them; they are extremely high-level dissertations.
Lowell scowls, his lips pinched in a snarl. “Of course I can fucking read.” He waves his hand back and forth, the lines on his face smoothing. He might not admit it, but he finds my comment the tiniest bit humorous.
Clearing his throat, he continues, “Those papers might as well have been psychotic ramblings. All those paragraphs about the morals of science and shit were so dense it felt like another language. I was only ever trying to sense the type of person you were, to find the best way to manipulate you into the open.”
Heaviness lingers between us, but I can’t help but stifle a giggle. “I think they were psychotic ramblings, to tell you the truth. But what could you learn about me through them? They’re written rather plainly. All scientific papers are,” I say.
“Obviously, I learned that you have a jaded sense of justice. Your work hinges on your crumbling sense of morality and inability to change your mindset upon hearing new information. It’s quite the opposite of what a scientist should be, in my opinion,” he says, pointing a claw at me.
I press my lips into a thin line. “Rich of you to question me. Are you suggesting that what you’re doing is somehow morally correct?”
“Yes, I do,” he says seriously.
I shake my head, staring at Lowell critically. “Violence and destruction are far from my idea of ‘moral’. Gaia 4 has destroyed countless buildings, offices, and an apartment complex that displaced hundreds of people.” I point my finger back at him. “So don’t lump me in with you. I’m not like you.”
Rage burns in my chest at Lowell’s sly smirk. “You can’t lump me in with you, because I get results,” he says, chest puffed.
A frown presses deeper into my cheeks.
“The buildings we’ve destroyed? All government buildings.
Since the city had to reallocate funds toward rebuilding, multiple pockets of preserved wetlands were spared from having railroads or pipelines slapped on top of them.
I know you’re well-aware of Nilsan’s setbacks due to us, since you haven’t had much work to do in the lab for the past few years. ”
Lowell’s cheeky look melts as he averts his eyes, grimacing. “As for the apartment building… that was an accident,” He says.
My mouth parts in a doubtful look. “Wow, you actually had plans for these attacks? I thought you were just being reckless to sow chaos—”
“I’m not stupid, May. A brute to some, but certainly not stupid,” he snaps. “I don’t ‘exercise my brain’ or whatever the fuck with puzzles, but I read and change my tactics based on reports from my informants.”
I don’t press the topic, seeing that Lowell has worked himself into labored breathing. He’s oddly defensive about his intelligence, but then again, I also thought he was some muscled idiot.
I quickly change the topic. “I was getting results too. I led multiple projects prioritizing the safety of protected wetlands, and if you’d even bother to look, you’d see that the flora and fauna in those areas are still thriving.
You can’t think of me as some villain for trying to do what I thought was right,” I say.
Lowell huffs through his nose. “Yeah, yeah, your grandma or whatever. Didn’t monster-hunters kill off most of the Giants on the continent? Is that where you get your shitty moral compass?”
I tighten my jaw at his attitude, biting my tongue. “You weren’t even born yet when the last monster-hunter retired. You have no clue what you’re talking about,” I say, my words coming out slurred from my clenched muscles.
Lowell rolls his eyes, his pupils slits. “Enlighten me.”
I can’t tell if he genuinely wants to know or if he just wants to antagonize me. Either way, I’d rather he know the truth. And fix his attitude.
I suck in a breath, releasing it slowly to relax.
“The monster-hunter guild was created to cull the growing populations of various species of Giants. Their size is manageable in small packs, but destructive if left unchecked. When an overpopulated herd divided in search of a new domain, the destruction left in their wake endangered the lives of humans and wildlife. For example, imagine thirty Orageist Giants aimlessly stomping around and trampling over villages and forests.”
“But there are no Giants left,” Lowell interrupts.
“I’m getting there. Goddess. Don’t interrupt me,” I snarl.
“Yes, there are none now, but that was due to a small fringe group of retired monster-hunters’ continued thirst for killing.
It had nothing to do with the guild itself, and Grandma wasn’t associated with the few who went off on their own.
Like many others in her group, she was passionate about ensuring that the Giants had their own territory to live in safely.
She led the operation that trapped the Orageist Giant in Rime Mountain, hence why I know so much about it. ”
Lowell hums, fascination sparkling in his eyes. “Monster-hunters were strong, huh?”
I nod, hiding a giddy smile of remembrance. “Only ten people ever passed the initial trials for certification, and four of them died during hunts. Grandma was the strongest, even among the Lizardfolk, and was considered the leader.”
Lowell pinches his brows quizzically, his focus sliding all around my face. “I find your grandma’s desire for you to take the opposite path from her quite interesting.”
“Grandma was adamant about making change from inside the establishment, even though she couldn’t. She wanted me to make what is weak strong again,” I say, trying to catch his wandering gaze.
“You cannot fix what is already rotten, May,” Lowell replies, his eyes finally holding still at my mouth.
“You know nothing of my convictions, even though you claim to. Aligning myself with government powers is just how I choose to do it. I want to feel like what I’m doing matters,” I say.
Lowell’s expression lights up. “‘Want to feel’?”
I blush, not realizing my mistake as I spoke. “Yeah, and?”
Pushing himself up on his elbows, he flashes his teeth in a toothy grin. “How did you feel when we blew up the pass? When you learned that the Sandpit’s were reappearing? Not a single piece of paper was signed, yet we accomplished our goal.”
“What’s your point?” I ask, my face heating. I know what he is implying.
“Has filling out paperwork, taking samples, and fighting against a board of uncaring men ever made you feel that same way?” he asks, his head falling to one side.
No. Never. But I won’t let him know that.
“Why won’t you let this go? It’s clear that you hate me by how you treat and speak to me, so why does it sound like you’re trying to recruit me?” I spit, desperately trying to avoid his line of questioning.
Lowell forms a soft smile, his tail slapping the floor. “Who said I hated you?”