Chapter 20 #2
“Stop trying to intellectualize everything I do! Maybe if you spent a fraction of your brain power and charisma trying to secure an alliance with any neighboring cities — who hate Nilsan — you’d be better off.
But instead, you chose to torment me, someone who wants nothing to do with you, like the damned idiot you are. ”
Lowell recoils, his eyes shooting open in surprise.
I exhale shakily, pinching the bridge of my nose while regaining my composure. When I look back at Lowell, his eyes carry hurt.
There is a pang of regret in my heart. I didn’t mean to speak with him with such vitriol. But maybe there are some truths to his words, truths I’m willfully ignoring.
“I’m sorry… that was harsh,” I sigh, cradling my head in my hands.
Lowell shifts positions, still cautious of me. His expression remains wounded.
“Listen, you have a valid point, but I’ve tried to speak with government leaders about pooling resources to thwart Nilsan. They all made it clear they wanted nothing to do with me. I’ve racked up quite a reputation, as you know.”
“Did you ever try again, recently?” I ask, darting my gaze to anywhere but his. “With political tension on the rise, they may be more willing.”
He shakes his head. “No. Being called a godless, brainless monster by nearly every leader has a way of putting a person off of diplomacy.”
Now it’s my turn to be surprised. “What? Did they call you that? To your face?”
“Yeah,” he replies solemnly, hiding behind a grin that doesn’t extend to his eyes. “I found out pretty early into the creation of Gaia 4 that my species was universally hated. A long history of aggression doesn’t mix well with cities that value peace.”
My heart softens, mouth dropping ajar.
“I’m not as stupid as you think, May.” He scratches at the scales below the base of his skull.
“I was just a kid when I started all of this, so I’ve made a lot of mistakes that I can’t take back.
Even if I have regrets, I don’t waste time living in them, even if it’s uncomfortable.
” Lowell’s tone is pointed and confident.
There is a noticeable way the lines across his forehead smooth and his eyes sparkle as he says gently, “I understand better than anyone the mistakes made when you’re young. It’s why I want you to join and why I think you should stay.”
“I have to go back… but…”
“But what?”
I cover my face with my hands. Tears hang in my eyes, but I do not allow a morsel of moisture to leave my body.
“Goddess, Lowell….” I press my palms into my eyes.
“I don’t know why I think that everything will go back to normal when I return home.
I know it won’t feel the same at all, and I’m terrified.
” When I lift my head, I’m greeted by a sympathetic face.
One that I wasn’t expecting. My throat is tight, words coming out as cracks and squeaks.
“If I don’t keep pressing forward, then what was it all for, Lowell? Where do I even go from here?”
Lowell raises his shoulders, a wry smile on his lips.
“I’ve been asking myself that same question since the day I met you.
What do you do when the final person on your kill list is a beautifully rude, callous, stubborn-yet-intelligent woman?
” he grimaces, laughing mirthlessly. “If I’m honest, I don’t know what I’ll do when I return, either.
My goal for ten years has been to kill everyone involved with the Misya Swamp project…
but now I guess I’ll never achieve that. But I don’t even want to anymore.”
“Doesn’t that make you upset?” I ask. He’s not one to mask his discontent.
Apathetically, he lolls his head back. “Not really. It would be a pretty sad life if I ignored everything attainable to cling to one silly desire. There are many more desires to be fulfilled, and I intend to do so.”
His words spill into the forming cracks of my resolve, my past replaying before my eyes, but now with a critical lens overlaid.
“I wish you the best, Lowell, truly. Although we will remain on opposite sides, I want you to succeed. You’ve given me a lot to think on — and ‘desires,’” I snicker, “‘to be fulfilled’ or whatever.”
Lowell rolls his eyes at me, his next words easily predictable. “You have plenty of desires, I’m sure.”
I groan. “You’re an idiot.”
He smiles a toothy grin, tapping his foot on the ground to draw my attention. “I know you’ve already given your answer, but you’d be great with all that diplomatic shit. The other city’s governments would absolutely eat up an ex-Nilsan employee’s bids for collaboration.”
“I’m a scientist, not a politician nor diplomat,” I correct.
“You could be. You convinced me not to eat you, after all.” He rebuts, a touch of sarcasm on his tongue.
“Because you’re gullible,” I grumble. I’m unable to hide my slight grin.
Lowell scoffs, but his voice carries a soft amusement, a fondness. “For you, of course. But go ahead and keep clinging to your wavering beliefs. If you stay stuck too long, you’ll only end up more miserable than you already are. Consider my offer, even if only to humor me.”
Considering it would be a mistake. I’m already uneasy; I don’t need any external voices trying to rattle me. Once I make up my mind, I’m set. It’s how I’ve always been.
“Just shut up and get some rest. It’ll be night soon,” I grunt in response. I flop down next to him with my back turned. “You’ll agitate your fever if you keep running your mouth like that.”
“It’s almost like you care about me,” he teases with a cackle.
I roll my eyes, not that he can see it. If he’s going to beg me incessantly to join his group, I refuse to engage with him any further.
Why would I want to stay in the facility I’ve been held captive in for almost a month by the same bunch of criminals who terrorize my city?
All the while, I’d be working under the command of an overemotional, irrational leader.
Even more so, why would he think that I at all have feelings for him that are beyond sexual?
The thought of saying any of those words to Lowell nearly makes me weep. Seeing that bastard upset usually gives me divine satisfaction, but being the cause of it makes my chest feel heavy. The uncontrollable desire to throw my arms around him nearly takes control of me.
Goddess be damned. What is he doing to me?
I scoff quietly to myself. He talks a big game, but I know he has no more control over his feelings than I do.
“Want to cuddle?” Lowell asks, stroking my arm with his claw. His breath tickles the nape of my neck.
“Don’t touch me,” I snap.
Lowell laughs, undeterred. “Okay, sweetheart. My arms are always open for when you inevitably give in.”
I hate the smile that pulls at my lips.
Fuck him.
I give in within a minute.