28. Knox
28
KNOX
I t’s a few days after Abue’s party and I find myself somewhat spiraling. I usually rely on logic instead of emotions when it comes to most aspects of my life, but unfortunately, this isn’t working. As a result, I pace restlessly in my living room because I can’t turn my brain off.
I’m so fucked.
My mind races as I walk back and forth. My hands alternate between hanging at my sides and nervously running through my hair. I can't remember the last time I felt this on edge.
I try to distract myself by grabbing my phone and scrolling through sports highlights. My eyes glaze over as I swipe aimlessly. I can’t focus on any single post before my mind wanders back to Selene and the question I'm terrified to ask her. My attempt to distract myself fails after thirty seconds and soon my anxiety comes crashing back in.
From the corner of my eye, I catch Blaise looking at me from where he's messing with the Wi-Fi router. I assume he’s improving it in some way, but don’t ask me exactly what he’s doing. He tilts his head at me.
“Dude, what's up with you? You're making me dizzy with all that pacing.”
I brush it off with a shake of my head. “Nothing. Just thinking about practice.”
Blaise's eyebrow arches, his expression making it clear he's not buying it. “Right. Practice. That's why you look like you're about to throw up. Makes total sense.”
I've never been good at this whole ‘talking about feelings’ thing. I try to shrug it off, but my shoulders feel tense as hell. “It's nothing, seriously. Just... a lot on my mind.”
Blaise snorts, clearly not convinced. He leans against the wall, arms crossed, mirroring my posture. “Knox, I've known you for years now. It’s obvious something's up. Spill.”
“It's Selene, man. I think... I think I want to ask her to be my girlfriend. Like, officially.”
Blaise sits up straighter. “First of all, is that what has you so screwed up right now? Second of all, you haven’t done that yet?”
I stop pacing and turn to face Blaise. I try to unclench my jaw, but I fail. “No, I haven't. And yes, it's messing with my head.” I let out a heavy sigh, sinking into the armchair across from him. “I don't know, man. This feels different from anything I've done before. I haven’t had a girlfriend since high school.”
Blaise nods slowly. “I get it. She means something to you. But why are you so nervous about making it official? From where I'm sitting, it seems like a no-brainer.”
I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. “Because I don't want to screw this up. And I’m really good at screwing things up.”
“Okay, I have a question. Since when does Knox Sanchez second-guess himself?”
A smile tugs at my lips. “Since now, apparently. I'm glad my existential crisis is amusing to you.”
Blaise holds up his hands in mock surrender. “Hey, I'm just saying, this isn't like you. The Knox I know is confident and decisive. He sees what he wants, and he goes for it.”
I run a hand over my face, feeling the rough stubble on my jaw. “Yeah, well, maybe that Knox is an idiot who doesn't know what's good for him.”
“Or maybe,” Blaise counters, “that Knox is exactly who Selene fell for in the first place. You can’t tell me that she doesn’t care about you too.”
I sit back in the chair and think about what he said. He has a point. Selene and I didn't get to this place by me second-guessing every move. I screwed up in the beginning, but I think I’ve made an excellent comeback. I’m grateful that Selene forgave me and gave me another chance.
“There he is. There's the Knox I know.” Blaise sets down the router, giving me his full and undivided attention. “Look, man. You can't let your past experiences dictate your future. Selene isn't Tessa. And you're not the same guy you were back then either.”
I hate to admit that he's right. I've grown a lot since high school, and my relationship with Selene is on a whole different level.
“I can't let my fear of messing up keep me from taking this step with her. She deserves better than that. We both do.”
Blaise leans over and claps me on the shoulder. “Damn right. So what's the plan? How are you going to ask her?”
I shrug. “I don't know yet. I want it to be right, you know? Not some half-assed, spur of the moment thing.”
“Makes sense. But how…”
That is the question of the day.
I stand up from the chair and start pacing again because why not? I see Blaise smirking at me out of the corner of my eye. He can laugh at me, but at this point, I don’t care.
“I need to plan this out. Maybe take her somewhere nice for dinner first? Or do something more casual, like a movie?”
Blaise responds quickly. “Those are both viable options.”
But are they really? Each idea seems more cliché or inadequate than the last. Selene deserves something thoughtful, something that shows her how much she means to me. Going to Prosecco & Prose again would be nice as a redo, but it’s something we’ve done before. Then I think about asking her after a shift at a library. But we’d both be exhausted.
My frustration builds as I realize I’m shooting down every possible scenario. Why is this so hard? It was never this complicated with Tessa. But then, with Tessa, we were in high school, and everything was easy until it wasn’t.
“You're overthinking it, bro,” Blaise interrupts my spiraling thoughts.
I shoot him a glare. “Oh really? Tell me something I don’t know.”
He chuckles and shakes his head. “Alright, how about this… keep it simple and sincere. Selene likes you for you, not for some grand gesture or fancy dinner. Just find a moment when it's just the two of you and speak from the heart.”
“You might be onto something there. But what if I freeze up or say the wrong thing?”
“Then you apologize, laugh it off, and try again. This isn’t a marriage proposal,” Blaise says with a shrug. “Dude, you've faced down guys twice your size on the ice. You can handle telling a girl how much you care about her.”
The words ‘marriage proposal’ make me pause, but I quickly recover. “Not even remotely the same, but okay,” I say.
“I know, but I still think you’re overthinking all of this.”
“You’re right, but I can’t turn my brain off. She and I are doing an ice skating lesson tomorrow and?—”
Blaise does a double take before he responds, “And that would be the perfect time to ask her!”
“Fine. I’ll figure out a way to do it there. You’re a genius.”
Blaise grins, clearly pleased with himself. “I know I am. But seriously, everything is going to go fine. Now, can we please talk about something else? I can only handle so much emotional turmoil in one day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I say as I roll my eyes. “Thanks for the pep talk, Coach.”
“Anytime, man. That's what I'm here for.” Blaise returns to the router.
“What are you up to?”
Blaise turns the router over in his hands. “Trying to boost the signal. The connection's been spotty in my room.” He gestures to the various wires and gadgets spread out on the coffee table. “Figured I'd see if I could fix it myself before calling to have someone come out.”
“Isn’t it illegal to do that? Like it voids a warranty or something?”
“What they don’t know won’t hurt them.”
I snort, more amused by Blaise's nonchalant attitude than I expected to be. For as long as I’ve known him, he's always been into taking things apart and putting them back together, so I can’t even be surprised by what he’s doing right now.
“Just don't burn the place down, alright?” I say, only half joking. “I'd prefer not to have to explain to the landlord why our house suddenly reeks of melted plastic.”
Blaise laughs, waving off my concern. “Ye of little faith. Have I ever steered you wrong before?”
I raise an eyebrow. “Do you really want me to answer that?”
“Fair enough. But seriously, I've got this under control. No fires, no explosions, no angry calls from the internet provider. Scout's honor.”
“You were never a scout,” I point out.
“Doesn’t matter,” he says and soon his attention is back on the router. “Now, are you going to stand there and critique me, or are you going to make yourself useful and grab me a beer from the fridge?”
I flip him off. “Fuck you.”
Blaise just laughs, completely unfazed. “Love you too, bro. Now seriously, beer me.”
I roll my eyes but head to the kitchen anyway, grabbing two cold ones from the fridge. I can be nice this one time because he did talk me off a ledge. I return to the living room, handing Blaise his beer before sinking back into the armchair. He takes a long swig, then sets the bottle aside and refocuses on the router.