6
Josh
What started out as the perfect day had turned into the day from hell.
After my talk with Michaelson at practice, I didn't know what to do.
I've thought about it all day. I was so in my head at training, I couldn't focus on anything.
I missed passes, didn't score and at the end of it all, Coach ripped me a new one in his office.
With his mood lately and the way I've been unfocused, I really am skating on thin ice.
After practice ended, I still hadn't made a decision on whether or not I should go out with Olivia tonight. I needed to speak to someone who knows me and who always gives out the best advice.
It’s 4:30pm when the familiar bell rings overhead at my aunt’s coffee shop.
It’s fairly quiet at this time of day. Most people are heading home to prepare dinner for their families.
I immediately find a table at the back of the cafe.
A quiet corner where I can speak openly about what’s going on in my head.
“Hey, Button.” My aunt, Diane, says as she makes her way over to me.
After my parents divorced, she helped my mom raise me and my sister.
She has called me Button ever since I was born and I've always hated it.
Right now, I welcome the feeling of the childhood nickname.
“You never come here twice in one day. Is everything okay?”
“I need advice.” I tell her, hanging my head.
“Okay. Can I get you anything first?” She asks.
“I’m good, thanks.”
“Oh, well this must be serious then.” She takes a seat opposite me and rests her hands on mine across the table. “What’s going on?”
“It’s a girl.” I say, vulnerability in my tone. “An amazing woman who I'd love to pursue but…”
“But what?” She asks, attentively. I let out a slow breath. Before I can speak again, she asks, “Is it Olivia?”
“How do you know Olivia?” One eyebrow raised in question.
“She comes here almost everyday. She’s a lovely woman.” Huh, weird I've never seen her here before.
“Yes, it’s her.” I dive into the situation and Aunt Diane listens intently the whole time.
“I barely know her, you know. It should be easy to break it off now before anything truly starts. But, I've never felt this way about anyone before. Do I throw away what could possibly be the most real relationship I've ever had over a hypothetical situation?”
“Honey, I've never seen you this worked up before.” She says after I've finished my rant. “Right now, you're thinking with two different parts of yourself; your head and your heart. A lot of men your age only think with their-”
“Don’t!” I cut her off and she laughs softly.
“Your mom was always better at giving advice than I was. If she was here right now I'm not sure we'd have the same answer but I'm thinking realistically here.” I take a deep breath and wait to hear what she has to say. I don't think I'm going to like it.
“It sounds like Olivia is really excited for this job. You don't want to be the reason that her job is in jeopardy. I think you should end it now, and you never know, after her contract ends or the season is over, you may feel the same way. And if that happens, you know it’s meant to be.”
“But how can I be around her every day and feel like this?” I ask, defeated.
“I’m sure it'll be hard, Button. But will it be harder if it ends now, or if you spend the next week learning everything about her?”
I contemplate that for a few seconds.
She’s right. At this moment, I need to think with my head and not my heart. And if in six months or a year, I still feel the same? I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
“I’ve gotta go, Dee. I need to speak to Olivia. Fuck, it hurts just thinking about it.”
“Language, Josh.”
“Sorry.” I say sheepishly. I'm a grown man and still get embarrassed when this woman scolds me. “Thank you,” I tell her, standing from my seat. “I know what I need to do.”
I give my aunt a kiss on her cheek before leaving the cafe.
It’s not until I'm outside that I check my phone. Oh fuck, it after 6pm. Maybe this conversation will be easier now, because Olivia is gonna hate me for not calling until now. I go to the contact I typed in my phone this morning and press the call button. I wait anxiously until she answers.
“Hello.” She answers the call. God, she sounds miserable. And I can bet anything that I did that. I feel terrible but I'm sure I'll feel worse after we talk.
Since I was supposed to take Olivia out for dinner tonight, I figure she'd be hungry. There's a Chinese food takeout place not far from the address she sent me. I go in and order at least five different dishes since I'm not sure what she likes. Hopefully she'll like at least one of them.
After leaving the restaurant, I walk the remaining two blocks to Olivia’s apartment.
I'm a ball of nerves as I climb the stairs, trying to figure out which floor is hers.
I'm standing in front of apartment 5D, trying to catch my breath.
Jesus, that was a lot of stairs. I play professional hockey for a living and five flights of stairs have floored me?
Maybe I need to work harder on my cardio.
When my heart rate slows to a less frightening rhythm, I press the doorbell. I wait, ten seconds, twenty seconds. Do I ring the bell again? What if she's not answering on purpose. Will she even let me in after I stood her up this evening? I won't blame her if she doesn't.
I ring the bell one more time, hoping like hell that she'll answer.
Devastation is overcoming me the longer it takes her to answer the door. Okay, I'll give it ten seconds and if she doesn't answer, I'll leave. Ten, nine, eight. Shit. Seven, six, five. Fuck. Four, three, two - The door opens.
This woman is breathtaking. Standing here in sweats and an oversized t-shirt, blonde hair damp, and fluffy slippers on her feet. She’s never looked so beautiful.
“Hi, Josh.” She smiles up at me but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. The baby blue of her eyes has dimmed, the light that glimmered this morning looks dull now and I know that’s my doing.
“Hey, gorgeous.” I reply and her smile grows slightly. So does the pink in her cheeks.
“Come in.” She steps aside and allows me into her apartment. It's a lot smaller than my place but it's cozy. It smells like her, vanilla and something flowery. Sweet. Intoxicating.
“I brought Chinese food.” I hold up the bags filled to the brim with mouthwatering food inside.
Making my way over to the small kitchen, I set the bags on the counter and begin pulling out the numerous containers of food. Noodles, rice, chicken, beef, soup.
You name it, I've got it.
I look over to where Olivia is still standing near the door. Her eyes are on the mountain of containers laid out over her kitchen island and she has a look of disbelief on her face.
“What?” I laugh, “I didn't know what you liked.”
“This is great, Josh, thank you.” Her wide smile is directed at me now and I take a moment to savor it.
She moves away to retrieve plates and cutlery from the cupboards near me.
I can't help but look at her when she bends over.
Her ass looks so good in those sweats. I'm sure it always looks good but I’ve never had a chance to look properly.
It's plump and round, she definitely works out. I'd love to reach out and -
“What’s wrong?” She asks, concern written on her face. “You look like you're in pain.”
“Huh? Oh nothing. Nothing at all.” I smile, trying to reassure her. She doesn’t buy it but thankfully leaves it alone.
We both fill our plates with small bits of everything. The room is shrouded in a deafening silence. I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to bring up the topic that's hanging over our heads. Once I do, that's it. Done.
“Would you like something to drink?” She asks, filling the silence. “I have water, wine or,” she moves towards the fridge, peering inside and then closing the door, “or wine.” She huffs a laugh. “Sorry, I don't have company over very much.”
Music to my ears.
“Dont worry. Water’s good for me, thanks.”
She fills a glass with ice and water and grabs her glass of wine and carries them over to the small table in front of her couch. I bring the plates and cutlery and sit next to her.
“Olivia, I-”
She cuts me off. “Let's just eat first, okay?”
“Okay.”
“So, how was practice?”
We take our time eating, falling into comfortable conversation.
We carry on chats from earlier in the day.
She used to be engaged to some guy when she lived in New York but when she found him with one of her friends, she left and never looked back.
I learned that her parents are divorced.
Have been since she was 9 years old, after her dad ran off with his mistress.
One year later, her mom moved her and Olivia to the States.
“Do you still speak to your parents?” I asked, curiosity peaked.
“Not really, no.” She’d replied. “My mum started drinking right after the divorce and wasn't around much. It just got worse when we moved out here. Dad will text me on my birthday and Christmas but that’s all really.”
“I love that you've lived here longer than the UK and you still say ‘mum’ in that accent. It's cute.” She instantly blushes.
After the topic of family is over, we keep the subjects light.
Her favorite color is red. When I asked her why, she said “It’s a happy color.
Red. Like blood.” I choked on a piece of chicken, completely taken back by that answer.
She just laughed at my reaction, telling me that she’s not that weird and that it’s a reference from Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve gotta say, I’m kinda relieved.
Her favorite book is The Shining by Stephen King which surprised the hell out me.
Her favorite singer - Sabrina Carpenter.
Her favorite band - Either One Direction or 5 Seconds of Summer but only the early stuff. All of it makes me gag which she thought was hilarious.
She doesn’t have any favorite movies but will binge watch episodes of Friends any chance she gets. My Olivia is a die hard fan.
My Olivia? That thought came out of nowhere. I try to shake that thought away but it comes back twice as strong.
We helped ourselves to more food, just eating out of the containers and continuing our conversation. Once we've finished, we both fall silent, knowing what’s coming.
“We don't have to talk about this, do we?” Olivia asks. “I mean, we both know what's coming. It'll be stupid to continue whatever's happening between us. We can't risk our jobs like that, blah blah blah.” She looks away from me, emotion shining bright in her eyes.
I shift closer to her on the couch. “Hey, look at me.” But she doesn't. I reach my hand up and gently grab her chin, guiding her gaze back to mine. “We can still be friends, right?” I swipe away a lone tear rolling down her cheek.
“Yeah, Josh, we can be friends.” She says, breathlessly.
Our faces are so close, it wouldn't take much movement for my lips to be on hers. I can't help staring at her lips. They're soft and plump and so damn kissable.
“Just friends.” I say quietly, looking back into her eyes. We seem closer now than we did before. My hand is still resting on her cheek, our noses almost touching.
“Just friends.” She whispers back.
Don't kiss her Josh. Don't do it.
To my surprise, it's Olivia who leans in and presses her lips to mine.
We move slowly in sync, finding our rhythm together. Her lips are soft and warm against my own.
I stay like that for what feels like an eternity.
An eternity I would never tire from. Slowly, I start to deepen the kiss, moving my tongue over her bottom lip, asking for entrance.
She opens up for me, eagerly. We both want each other right now.
My hands move from her face down to her hips.
One of her hands is resting on my thigh while the other is gripped tightly around my neck, as if she’s trying to make me stay there forever.
I get lost in the sensation of our tongues colliding, rough yet delicate.
My hands move up her hips, wanting to feel more of her.
I shouldn't be doing this. I know I shouldn't.
But I can't seem to stop. I'm so drunk on her kiss and the feel of her soft body on my hands that I can't think straight.
She whimpers at my touch on her bare skin and I feel goosebumps rising where my hands glide over her.
Olivia slides her hands up my shirt. The feel of her smooth hands on my bare skin is like heaven. There’s a trail of fire lighting under her touch.
I can smell how turned on she is for me. I'm just as turned on as she is. My cock is rock hard in my shorts, aching with the need to be set free.
“No wait, stop.” I say, taking my hands off her delicious body.
She removes her hands from me at the same time and I'm instantly cold from the loss of her touch.
“We can't. We’re supposed to be saying goodbye.
If we do this, we can't go back.” Seeing the look in her eye breaks me.
“Fuck, Olivia. Trust me, I want to. I want nothing more than to take you to your bedroom and make you scream my name all night long.
But we can't." I sigh, running my hands through my hair.
Heat spreads across my hand and up my arm as Olivia’s gentle hand touches mine. She intertwines our fingers together and rests them on her thighs.
“I’ll be honest here, which is quite hard for me.
Normally, I would agree and try to move on but if I don't say this now, I won't be able to sleep wishing I'd told you the things you deserve to know.” She takes a breath.
I can feel the pulse of her racing heart in her hand.
I can tell she's nervous so I give her hand a quick squeeze in encouragement.
“Josh, for me, there’s no going back now.
Whether we stop now or we don’t, I can't go back.
Call me crazy because I definitely am, but I've never felt like this with anyone before.
I've never had so much fun, sitting in a cafe.
I've never felt so safe, sitting eating Chinese food on a Monday night.
I've never felt so seen. You, Josh, you make me feel seen.
So no, for me, there's no coming back from this.”
Fuck. Me.