5
Sometimes it hurts to know the truth
A bottle and three-quarters of vodka later, I returned to my cabin.
I said goodbye to Yuri in front of his door. He hugged me tightly, and I felt an icy chill swirling down my spine.
"I'm so happy that we're a team again, I've missed you so much, more than you think, Kalinka. Together, we're invincible."
He pressed his lips against mine, as was the tradition in my country, in moments of great joy.
I walked in silence. I thought there were no longer any remains of the bodies, not a trace of blood that would indicate that someone had died there. Ivan and Basile's work was impeccable; those two must already be in the middle of the sea, as Yuri suggested.
I lay down on the bed, unsure of how I should feel or act. Supposedly, having my brother back should have been a cause for joy, yet the bitterness of finding out that the people I loved and admired most had kept me in the dark was devastating
What had I been to my father and brother? Just a stumbling block that my brother now intended to polish into a projectile weapon? I didn’t like being used, not without my consent. I would have gladly accepted the proposal as an ally, not as an object.
I replayed the conversation with Yuri point by point.
And I felt rage as I became aware of how they had devised a plan behind my back. Would they have acted the same if I were a man? The doubt shook me, making me tremble with anger.
I took off the bathrobe and wrapped myself up to the neck. The feeling of being valued less because I was a woman, as if gender always incapacitated you, churned my stomach.
I had recently read a study where women were asked who their role models were; they chose both men and women in equal proportions. However, men typically named their male counterparts, occasionally mentioning a woman.
As if admiring women made you less of a man or meant becoming a damn failure.
What’s the issue? Can't there be a woman above you whom you admire? Is that seen as weak, effeminate, or cowardly? Is a man unable to feel represented by a woman?
I was tired, weary of proving that I deserved the place I held. And now I understood that I was there, not just because I deserved it, but because my father and brother had decided it so, because I was their damn ace up the sleeve. The bomb any country would want to possess to blow everything up.
Did they love me, or were they using me? What the hell was I?
Only they were aware of that meticulous plan which, according to Yuri, would lead us to supreme power. He spoke in plural, including me in his project, but he did so after having manipulated me to his liking, and I didn't like that one bit.
As soon as he finished his diatribe with eyes shining and full of glory, all I wanted to do was spit in his face and tell him that I was much more than just a bargaining chip.
The blindfold fell from my eyes. I had adored and venerated him like no other, would have died for him time and again, and now I felt betrayed, cheated, and violated on immeasurable levels.
Perhaps someone else would have applauded, amazed by how well everything was orchestrated, but I felt like smashing the baton in his face and telling him that the orchestra isn't made up only of the conductor.
I would have liked to celebrate his happiness with him, but I couldn't; it hurt too much.
I wanted to spit fire and burn everything down like a dragon. Yet, I stayed in place, as my father would have liked, who always scolded me for my lack of patience. I tried to stem the bleeding rather than adding more salt to the wound. Damn it, he was my soul brother! I needed to understand him, even just a little! Or I was going to kill him right there, with my own hands, and I would never forgive myself for that.
"Why? Why did you keep me out of the loop? Did you really think I wasn't capable enough to follow the strategy? That I would oppose the marriage to R, or something like that? Explain it to me because I don't understand." Yuri offered me a measured smile.
"Don't take it the wrong way, Kalinka. It wasn't due to a lack of trust." His voice was velvety. It was the voice that belonged to my dear and inseparable brother. Just for that, I listened. "Dad said that the fewer people who knew about our intentions, the better. The reactions would be much more credible, instinctive, and natural. I know you're a great actress, however, you can't argue that you wouldn't have handled my mourning, or the marriage, differently if you didn't know I was alive and that Romeo wasn't behind it." He might have a point, but I would have prepared conscientiously.
"I would have deceived them," I muttered.
"Maybe, I won't argue that. But even though R may seem like an idiot, he's not. He investigated you thoroughly, one slip and everything would have blown up. It took me years to learn the role and I didn't make a move until Dad considered it. Think about it, I played his best friend, but your role was much bigger and brighter. You had to become his wife, spending twenty-four hours a day with him. It had to be believable. Dad wanted Nikita Koroleva in all her essence."
"Just him? You could have refused."
"No one refused an order from our father. You know that as well as I do."
"You manipulated me!" I exploded.
"Don't be dramatic," he replied, annoyed. "It doesn't suit you. You are a sensible and cold woman who has always looked after the interests of the Bratva. You are our blood, and you know how important it was to end the Capulets. You've known this all your life. Power is above everything and everyone."
"Even above family?" He clicked his tongue in annoyance.
"Nikita..." he murmured regretfully. "Don't drown in a glass of water."
"I don't even drink water to drown." A laugh burst from his mouth.
"That's right, we only drink vodka ." He refilled our glasses. His gaze sunk into mine, dense, sharp, piercing...
I didn't look away, I never did, especially not from my brother. He pursed his lips before speaking.
"I always supported you, even when father didn't want to educate you." That was true, and I was very grateful for it. "We were a tandem, chasing the same goal, and that doesn't have to change.
"You can't have forgotten how I intervened so that Dad would let you join me instead of sidelining you like he did his other daughters. I always considered you my equal."
That statement burned me.
"Until you decided to exclude me from what mattered."
"What mattered?" he roared, offended. "Are you joking? You were in the plan from the beginning, just like humanity is in God's plan, and I don't see Catholics complaining."
"You don't watch the news much; the church is crumbling." He snorted.
"You've been the Holy Grail of this whole operation, the damn Trojan Horse. You are Hercules' Megara."
"And does that make you Hades?" I inquired, continuing the comparison in which my brother cast me as the traitor to my husband.
"We could say that, yes."
"Well, as far as I know, Megara was aware of everything, she agreed to screw over Hercules in exchange for a deal with the god of the Underworld."
"You and I have one, too."
"Oh, really? That's news to me."
"That's because you don't listen and your temper gets in the way. Pay attention to what I'm saying. Once we finish with the Italians, I'll return to St. Petersburg and you, my dear sister, will be the V Vor Zakone of the Costa del Sol, only answering to me, and no one else will dare challenge you." ?Oh, look how nice, I'll be your damn subordinate, thanks for the crumbs, my king," I felt like telling him?. "You won't lose an ounce of your power, on the contrary, I want to give you everything you deserve. You will be the queen of my empire in Spain." ?His mouth pressed the back of my hand?. "You will be remembered as the most beautiful, dangerous, and lethal mafiosa in history. The only one capable of taking down the ‘Ndrangheta with my help."
At another time, such a reflection would have filled me with joy, now, I felt a void that was impossible to fill. He wanted to take away what had cost me so much to achieve. Sure, before he 'died' it was his, but now it was mine. He had died, damn it. My head was about to explode.
I drank and emptied the glass trying to fill that well of resentment.
I had to accept that my brother had returned. I knew that, but giving up what I believed was mine by right was going to be hard. I didn't want to think about what his return implied. Not just yet.
"What about the Chinese?"
"Well, let's just say we're using them. The plan was to bridge them until now. We want a war between Cheng's men and the Capulets; we've already planted several seeds to make that happen."
"You want?"
"Our president, you know..." It was always a matter of politics.
"Those Asian bastards almost finished me off." I took a risk. If the Capulets weren't behind anything, they couldn't have been the ones intending to kill me.
"That was a miscalculation." I looked at him incredulously. "I thought it was Romeo in the car; I was the one who shot at you. I'm sorry, Kalinka."
"You wanted to kill him?" I skipped over the part about my nearly dying.
"Yes, I thought it was a good idea to get him off your back as soon as possible. I couldn't stand the thought of that bastard touching you, looking at you, or fucking you. I imagine how revolting and sacrificial it must have been for you."
"You have no fucking idea," I murmured.
"I know, and it bothers me a lot to have to ask you to keep it that way for now. We need the focus to be on the Chinese, to stretch the tension to the limit. I know I'm asking a lot, but you'll have to endure it a little longer. I promise I'll honor you by giving you the pleasure of killing him."
I said nothing, it was better not to. I submerged myself in the relief of knowing that Romeo was safe, for now.
I felt the need to get up to go to the bar cabinet for another bottle; we had emptied the first and my head still couldn't understand where I stood.
Emotions were taking their toll. I had a battle to fight and felt like I was on the wrong side. My confusion was such that I didn't know what the fuck to do.
"Were the Chinese also the ones who wanted to kidnap Sarka?"
"Sarka?" He seemed surprised. "No! When did that happen?"
"This morning, Andrey took them all out; they were going to the airport. Our sister wanted to continue studying in St. Petersburg. Are you sure you rule out the Chinese? What if they are playing you?" He furrowed his brow.
"I'll call my contacts in Marbella, find out who it was."
I sat down and opened the bottle.
"You have a son," I commented, filling the glasses.
"It was the result of a bad lay."
"Did you know?" He raised his eyebrows as if to say, "Are you joking?" Of course, he knew. "He's as much of a bastard as you." My brother laughed.
"I'm glad he got something good out of it." I stayed silent, and he continued observing my reactions. "I'm sorry that bitch messed up your face, the doctor said there won't be any scars." His hand caressed my cheek.
"That's the least of my concerns."
"Don't hold a grudge against me, Kalinka, not against me. We're in the same boat." ?Really?? I felt like asking him because I no longer knew who was steering the ship.
"What's the plan?" I asked coldly. If I was to make decisions, I needed information, and he was the only one who could give it to me.
"That's my little sister, let me tell you, we're going to raise the Korolev banner high."