22. Juliet
Chapter 22
Juliet
~1 month later~
That son of a bitch!
Frustrated, I shut my laptop with an angry sigh while crossing my arms and leaning back in my seat.
"What? Your program didn't work?" Gale teased with a cheeky smirk.
Grumbling to myself, I scowled and spun my chair around a few times before huffing loudly. "Luciano's going out on a date with some bimbo," I whined with a pout.
Gale rolled his eyes and chucked a throw pillow at me from his position on my lounger. "You're the one who rejected him." He reminded me with a deadpan expression. "Also, you're being a little dramatic."
"I did not reject him." I corrected Gale with a soft glare after whacking the pillow away. "I just told him I needed more time." Which, I mean, could be seen along the lines of rejection, I guess. "And I am not being dramatic…!"
"Basically a rejection," Gale shrugged his shoulders softly with a pitying stretch of his lips. "And I hate to break it to ya, but he's a man with needs. He's not going to wait around forever for you, but you're also blowing this out of proportion. He's doing nothing wrong with going on a dinner with some woman for business purposes."
I wanted to argue with Gale, but he was right. Luciano and I weren't an exclusive item, nor did we make any promises to wait for each other… And maybe I was exaggerating things a bit… It was stupid but true.
"He doesn't even like that woman, so why even do business with her..." I continued to grumble with a scowl. "He just told Aidan the other day that she's annoying."
And, of course, Luciano just shrugged me off whenever I brought up the topic of women and relationships with him.
It was probably pathetic of me to run away from Luciano with my tail tucked between my legs that night at the event, but I couldn't find it within myself to agree to a full relationship with him, no matter how hard I tried. It wasn't because I was scared of him after seeing the bloodbath he made, either.
Honestly, I found it rather exciting and amazing that he could do all that with his bare hands. And something about watching him get all worked up and feral in the ring got my blood pumping and passion burning until I ached with need between my legs. I wanted to jump him in the ring that night, and I would have if my reservations weren't intact.
The only thing that held me back from fully falling into Luciano was me. What kind of person would I be if I was with a man like him? Why the fuck was I fine with the thought of being with him? He was a mafia boss, a very violent and ruthless one. I really should be sprinting for the hills, terrified as hell, but my instincts told me to stay. Luciano was my safe space, my comfort person.
Even after seeing him all bloody and sweaty that night, I gladly let him hold me while the blood of others painted his skin. It took me a minute or two, but I got over my disgust for the blood. Then, the fact I had been so fine with it all terrified me. It wasn't normal to be fine with any of that.
Like, how insane must I be to find comfort in the arms of a killer? To want to seek happiness in them?
I hesitated for my sake and sanity, and I still did now. I hated the thought of him being with any other woman; it always got my blood rushing until the heat of anger ached my body. Yet, I still couldn't bring myself to be his woman.
Did I even deserve to be his woman, though? Would that even be fair to him?
Crazy mafia boss or not, he was a good man underneath—in my humble opinion. He deserved more than a broken girl like me. Someone who could actually take care of him and his needs.
As much as I lusted for Luciano, sometimes it wasn't enough to keep the monsters at bay. Luciano deserved a woman who could serve his every need and whim without hesitation and someone who was experienced. I couldn't guarantee any of that to him because what if I randomly got triggered in the middle? I didn't want his pleasure to be ruined because of my trauma. Or if he wanted something and I couldn't give it to him because I didn't know how. Or if I just couldn't because of the trauma.
I didn't know when I would fully recover from everything either because everyone processed things differently at their own unique pace. Sometimes, great strides would be made; others would be baby steps.
It wouldn't be fair of me to make Luciano suffer my recovery with me.
Then again, was anything in life fair?
"Juliet?" Gale's concerned voice became distant as the bad thoughts flooded my mind.
Down and down I went, spiraling until I went under with no way up. But that was fine; there was nothing up on the surface for me. Luciano wouldn't be there forever. Gale would eventually leave me for college. My other friends couldn't care less about me.
Trash.
Broken.
Useless.
Dirty.
Tainted.
A whore.
That's all I am.
Oh God, they're touching me again.
I don't like it! Make it stop!
I can't breathe. Can't catch my breath.
Everything is hurting. Everything is numb.
God, it's so hard to breathe.
Unconsciously and instinctively, my body shot off my chair and rushed through the house in a frantic frenzy of sobs and tears. I knew in the back of my mind I shouldn't bother him, but my need to seek for him felt so primal. I couldn't control myself. I needed to see him, hear him, feel him—him.
Bang!
"Ju—"
I barreled myself into him just as he stood up from his desk, making him grunt softly. "Make them go away…!" I begged between my sharp gasps.
My hands mindlessly searched for one of his, practically yanking it up and throwing it around my neck. "Luciano. Please, help me. I can't—I don't—please, make it stop…!" I struggled to strain my words out because of my hyperventilating.
Pressure tightened around my neck, making my own pulse thrum in my ears as everything slowly turned into a white noise. Then, it eased slightly, making me breathe in deeply. "Shh, you are safe." I knew he was right there, a few inches from me, but he sounded so muffled and distant.
Something hard snakes around my lower back, and my body is pressed against a hard wall of warmth. "Focus on my voice." He sounded clearer through the haze, but not enough to fully pull me through as I felt some kind of weight threaten to drag me back down. "Breathe for me. In through the nose, out through the mouth." His hot breath washed across my cheek and ear, sending a warm and calm wave down my body. "No one will touch you here. No one will dare come close to you with me around."
Luciano's soothing voice, paired with the feeling of his thumb brushing against my carotid, was enough to make the voices in my head become muffled to the point where I could start pulling myself out. "That's it. Good girl. Relax. Breathe. You can do it." He encouraged and praised me with a smile in his voice as he rocked us back and forth softly. "The bad men can't hurt you anymore. It's not their hands on your body. It is mine. It is my hand around your neck. It is me touching you, and I am safe."
Something soft and warm pressed against my forehead before Luciano uttered a string of incoherent Italian. "You are always safe with me, Juliet."
Safe. I am safe.
Breathing in his words, I let my nerves slowly settle with my breaths. I was almost there; I just needed a little more to take the edge off completely. "Luciano," I whispered through a choked sob, "Tighter, please. I need to feel you." More. I needed more. "Please."
"Juliet." His unsure eyes searched mine as his grip remained unchanged.
"Please. I'll tap you if it gets too much. I just need you to take control, please." I assured him with a desperate frown.
Hesitation cleared his darkened eyes momentarily, but it fled when he pulled me closer until our bodies were pressed hard against each other.
The sudden increase in pressure around my neck made me choke out a strangled gasp as I felt my mind buzz and numb out from the lack of oxygen. Fear gripped me as my instinct for survival caused my adrenaline to surge. The sound of my heart pounding against my ribcage echoed all the way into my muffled ears.
A part of me wanted to fight him out of fear of suffocating to death, but the part of me that trusted him kept my heavy breaths even in rhythm and depth while my heart steadied out in my chest with renewed excitement.
Unable to control my bliss, I let it show through my spreading lips and softening eyes. "Luca… Thank you." I gasped out happily as I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb.
"You're never going to stop calling me that, are you?" He mused with a rather happy smirk as he eased his grip a little to let the blood rush back to my head. "You are lucky that I like it coming from you."
Yeah, he made his displeasure about nicknames known when someone tried to be friendly with him and called him Luci. I don't know what happened to the man, because I ran off when one of the guards caught me snooping around Luciano's office when I shouldn't have.
I don't really know fully how Luca became a thing with him and me, but I chalked it up to my mumbling and stuttering and moments of shortening my speech. Then I kept it up because he would get this annoyed twitch of his eyebrow whenever I called him it. It lost its irritating effect on him after a while, but I liked how his eyes lit up at the sound of his nickname. When it no longer got a rouse out of him, I debated stopping until Gale told me the meaning behind the name.
Bringer of light. Fucking ironic, given his moniker of The Devil and being a mafia boss.
Although, I might be fucking insane for my thought process behind keeping his nickname. No matter how much violence and bloodshed he brought to the world, he could never taint mine. To me, he was a ray of light in my darkness. No one brightened up my life as much as he has. He was both the sun and the moon to me.
Honestly, I had no idea why my therapist hadn't tried to have me committed for how insanely stupid and pathetic I was when it came to Luciano. He may be The Devil, but even The Devil is an angel—or once was.
I might have once hoped for an angel to save me, but now I could see that what I needed was a devil.
An angel would save the world and leave me to burn.
A devil would burn the world for me.
And Luciano had the kerosene and lighter ready.