40/Renee
Kee slipped the slim jim in against the window and wiggled. I glanced around nervously, hoping no one came out and saw what we were doing. Hopefully, it wouldn’t take more than fifteen minutes.
“Do you think he has an alarm?” Danielle was standing near the steps with her hands tucked in her jacket, shivering.
“Nah, I remember him locking his car and not setting an alarm.”
“Hurry up, Kee!” she cried. “Damn, it’s cold out here.”
“Yo, hold the fuck up! Y’all crazy-ass mothafuckas got a nigga out here breaking into someone’s vehicle and then got the nerve to try and rush me?”
“Would you be quiet before someone hears us!” I said in a loud whisper. I moved around the SUV and looked up at the window on the left. The last thing I wanted was for Landon to know we were out here breaking into his Tahoe. At least not until we were done.
“Got it,” Kee announced, then removed the slim Jim and opened the door on the driver’s side. “A’ight. Give me my money ’cause I’m out.”
I reached into my pocket, pulled out a hundred, and put it in his hand. “Thanks, Kee.” I rose on my tiptoes and kissed his bearded cheek.
“Nae-Nae, when you gon’ quit playing and let me take you out?”
I smiled and patted him playfully on the cheek. Danielle’s older brother was tall and skinny with shoulder-length locks and a platinum grill that was a complete turn-off. Even so, he was a cutie, just too much like family for me to ever imagine fucking with him.
“Sorry, big bruh. I told you before you can’t handle all this.”
“What the fuck eva! I ain’t no little boy.”
“Kee, shut up and go before you get us all arrested!” Danielle said with a shove.
“Yeah, all right. I’m out.” He moved down the sidewalk to his Explorer parked at the end of the block behind Danielle’s Durango.
“Come on, Nae-Nae, it’s after midnight. I want to get this shit over with before we get caught.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I reached for a spray bottle I had sat in the grass and moved back over to the Tahoe. “Just keep watch while I do this.”
I reached in my jacket pockets, removed a pair of rubber gloves, and slipped them on my hands. Then I opened the driver’s side door and leaned inside.
Danielle’s teeth chattered. “I can’t believe you’re doing this.”
“Payback’s a bitch.” I turned the nozzle on the bottle, started spraying all over the interior of his Tahoe, and chuckled.
“You’re stupid.” Danielle cupped her mouth and started laughing.
I looked over my shoulder. “Nah, Landon’s the one who’s stupid. I warned him not to fuck with me.”
Since Landon had no intention of paying me back, I took matters into my own hands, and thanks to my diabetic dog, I had the perfect payback. The last few days, whenever I collected urine to dip, I saved it in a milk jug until I had just enough.
I saturated the insides of his windows, then started spraying the dashboard.
Danny turned up her nose. “That shit stinks! I can smell it way over here.”
“It ain’t shit. It’s piss,” I joked.
“Whatever, bitch. It smells like a grown-ass man who’s been drinking all night.”
“That’s the idea. I bet Landon won’t piss in another woman’s bed and play her ass again,” I replied and had to laugh as I sprayed his cloth seats. Oh, he was going to be hot.
“Renee, hurry up. I’m cold.”
Danielle was starting to get on my nerves.
“Damn, I’m moving as fast as I can.” I shut the door and started on the backseat.
There was no way Landon would ever be able to get this smell out of his Tahoe.
I took the top off the bottle and even poured some on the floor in the back, making sure it soaked in through the carpet.
I was trying not to rush because I didn’t want to get piss on me, but I sprayed my face a couple of times. The smell was nauseating.
I heard Danielle gasp. “Renee! Here comes a car.”
Quickly, I shut the door, dropped the bottle on the ground, and moved around to the side while Danielle rushed over to the porch and made it look like she was just coming out of the building.
A Toyota Corolla pulled in behind his vehicle.
It was Leslie. She turned off her car, got out, and slammed the door, then looked at me and Danielle.
“What are you doing standing next to my man’s Tahoe?”
No, she wasn’t trying to act all tough and shit. That bitch picked the wrong day to be fucking with me. “We ain’t thinking about your man. We were upstairs visiting someone.”
She glared at me like she didn’t believe us. “No, you weren’t. The only other people who live here are two gay white men. I bet you were knocking on Landon’s door.”
“Puh-leeze, the last person I want to see is your man.”
Danielle and I moved down the driveway and she jumped back, frowned, and sniffed. “What’s that smell?”
I snorted rudely. “You should be used to it. You smell it every time you crawl up in bed with that pissy-ass man of yours.”
As I passed Leslie, she propped a hand at her waist and glared at me like she was putting some fear in my heart. “We need to get something straight.”
“Uh-oh.” Danielle was laughing and shivering at the same time. “I’m going to go and get my vehicle while y’all figure that shit out,” she called over her shoulder.
“Yeah, okay.” Ignoring Leslie, I slipped the gloves off my hands, turned them inside out, and stuffed them in my back pocket. They were going in the trash the second I got home. “What is it that you need to get straight?” I purposely articulated each word.
“I’ve seen your phone number on my man’s Caller ID. Quit begging. Landon doesn’t want you.”
I had to laugh at her big ass. “What the hell do I want with a man who still pisses in the bed?” I pushed past her and headed down the driveway.
“Quit calling my man!”
I froze. Okay, let me rewind this shit. Did she just say what I think she said? Oh, hell yeah. It was the same message I’d had on my cell phone.
I turned around and moved to stand in front of her. “Bitch, you been calling my phone?”
“Who you calling a bitch?” she spat, trying to act all big and bold and shit.
“You.”
Leslie moved all in my face like she dared me to hit her ugly ass.
I heard a horn blow. Danielle had backed up to the end of the driveway. “Come on, Nae-Nae. Let’s go!”
“You better go before you get hurt,” she hissed.
I acted like I was leaving, then swung around and punched that bitch right smack in the mouth.
Leslie fell back, then quickly recovered and came charging at me.
The two of us were some swinging and scratching bitches.
I’ll give it to Leslie, the chick had heart, but I was fueled by my anger from her man pissing in my bed and her calling and playing on my damn phone.
I hit her hard in the jaw, then grabbed a handful of that fake-ass weave and swung her around.
She hit her car and slid down onto the ground. I started kicking her.
“Quit calling my got damn phone!”
Danielle jumped out of her Durango and raced up to me screaming, “Nae-Nae, enough!”
I leaned over and tried to catch my breath. “Fuck that bitch.”
She grabbed my arm and started pulling on me. “Come on, let’s go before you get arrested.”
Just then the door to the complex swung open and Landon came rushing out in sweatpants and a T-shirt. “What the hell’s going on?”
“Your bitch needs you,” I spat.
He moved around the SUV, then came over beside Leslie and helped her to her feet. “Baby, you okay?”
“Get your hands off me!” she screamed, then shrugged his arm away and stomped all the way to the front door.
Landon glared at me. “What happened here?”
I pulled away from Danielle and gave him a dismissive wave. “Your woman can tell you about it later. By the way, your check was returned.”
“Uh, yeah... about that...”
“Don’t even worry about it because we’re even now.” I reached for the spray bottle, took off the top, and just as he turned to head up the drive, I called after him. “Landon?”
He swung around. “What now?”
“Catch.” I tossed the open bottle at him, spilling the rest of the pee on his face and T-shirt.
Danielle screamed and grabbed my arm. We ran and hopped in her vehicle and peeled off. I couldn’t stop laughing. Neither could she.
“Your ass is crazy! He might try to sue you for damages.”
“No, he won’t,” I said confidently. “Because if he does, I’ll have him prosecuted for passing bad checks.”
We kept on laughing. When Danny got to the corner, she swung in my direction and turned up her nose. “Yo ass stinks!”
I smiled. “Yeah, I know. But it was worth it.”