CHAPTER FOUR
Blair
Aloud pounding wakes me from my restless sleep, and I fight against my twisted sheet, assuming it was a dream. Until it happens again. Louder this time.
“Open up, Blair,” Zane’s deep voice rings through the house, and I freeze, trepidation clenching my heart. “Please.”
His voice softens and my head screams at me to stay quiet, to do all that I can in the name of self-preservation. But my heart always wins out, and today is no different.
Throwing a hoodie over my pajamas, I tiptoe to the front door and peek through the window, catching Zane pacing on my porch, a hand raking through his hair as he mutters to himself.
I watch with rapt attention, taking in his familiar moves.
But when he shakes his head and turns to walk away, panic runs through me, and without giving it the thought it deserves, I throw the door open, calling out in a loud whisper. “Wait!”
Zane spins so fast he almost falls over. “Blair?” My name floats from his lips and the sweet sound makes me almost forget the past. Almost.
“What do you want, Zane? You shouldn’t be here.” He shouldn’t even know where I live. Fucking Cade.
Zane snaps out of his stupor in time to run forward, his large foot jutting out to block the door in case I try to close it. “I just want a minute. That’s all.”
His pleading eyes suck me in, and before I can think better of it, my shoulders drop. “One minute.”
“Thank you.”
“Let’s start with why you’re here.” I fold my arms over my chest as if it’ll protect my heart, and like the observant guy he is, Zane notices, sighing before he speaks.
“For whatever reason, you walked back into my life today, and I couldn’t leave without checking in on you.”
“As you can see, I’m fine. Great even. No need to worry.”
“Blair?”
“What?”
Zane tries to push the door wider, but I hold firm. This is about as far as I can handle. “I’m a nurse at the hospital you were taken to; there was a high probability of you being my patient.”
“Are you hearing yourself? That hospital is huge. And you’re not supposed to be a nurse. Yet, the first time I step foot in Jacksonville again, I’m hurt and sent to the exact hospital you work in. That’s not a coincidence.”
“I thought you didn’t believe in that stuff.”
“I don’t. Usually. But—” A door slams somewhere down the street, and Zane pauses, glancing over his shoulder. “Can I come in?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t live alone.”
“I’ll be quiet. Your roommates will never know.”
“I don’t have roommates.”
Zane furrows his brow, and my fingers itch to smooth the crease lines between his eyes. “Your parents?” he questions, but it’s obvious from the shudder in his voice that he knows the answer.
“My boyfriend.”
“Right.” He nods, as if uncaring. But while his stoic expression might fool others, the hint of disappointment shines through, and I want to scream because of it.
“He let you answer the door?” Zane frowns with a scoff. “To me?” He’s fishing and I’m unsure of the right course of action. But it doesn’t matter because he answers for me. “He’s not home, is he?”
“No.”
“Then why can’t I come in?”
“It’s a small town, Zane. People talk. You know what that’s like. It’s why we were always so careful.” I close my eyes, cursing myself for bringing “us” up.
“It’s the middle of the night, B. I promise he won’t find out. Please.”
“It doesn’t matter what time it is. I’m saying no and you have to respect that.”
His face pales, and he steps away from the door, cupping the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. I just spent hours with your brother and he never mentioned a boyfriend.”
“Typical.”
“Typical? You were always so close.” His frown deepens and he glances away, lost in thought. “What happened?”
“You haven’t been back in years, Zane. So much has changed since then.”
When he nods in understanding, I breathe a sigh of relief until his expression turns inquisitive again. “Why’d you stay?” His question throws me off guard, and I swallow a lump in my throat. “After you graduated from college, why’d you stay?”
“I’d already started building a life here.”
“You stayed for a guy?” His face contorts, doing nothing to hide his disgust. “You always wanted to travel the world. Live in different cities. Explore.”
“Don’t pretend to know me,” I snap, releasing the built-up rage I’ve held close to my chest. “It’s been seven years. Seven. I know why you left; I’m not angry about that. But as I said, a lot has changed. You can’t possibly have thought we’d all be the people we once were.”
“Your brother is.” He lifts his shoulders in a half shrug and I finally smile.
“Actually, he has changed. A little. But yes, he’s the exception.”
“And you’re okay, staying here?” His intense gaze has my insides squirming, and I sigh in frustration. He’s never been one to let me get away with anything. And while I used to find that attractive, now it’s driving me insane.
“God, if you must know, I’m moving in a few days.” Dammit.
“House?”
“State.” I stare at him, watching as his eyes light up in excitement. For me.
“That’s a start. Where are you moving?”
I hesitate before answering, not wanting to admit that while I’ll be in LA and he’s in San Francisco, we’ll still be in the same state. Too close for comfort. “It doesn’t matter. But I won’t be here.”
“How does your brother feel about that?”
“Why don’t you ask him?”
“I don’t plan on seeing him again,” he mumbles under his breath and I gasp, though I shouldn’t be surprised.
“Isn’t that his truck?” I ask nonchalantly, refusing to show him how affected I am.
“Yep.” He pops the p. “I’m going to leave it at the hospital. I was planning on dropping the keys at reception. You’ve saved me a phone call. You can tell him they’re there.”
“So that’s it? You’re going to disappear again?” My chest aches as a pit forms in my stomach, but I refuse to acknowledge what that means.
“Why would I stay?” His eyes bore into mine, begging me to say “me” but I can’t do it.
“Your parents?” I say instead, despite knowing the answer. They’ve been calling me since he left, because he never answers their calls.
“My parents?” He scoffs. “I bet they’d love that.”
“What does that mean?” I question, my brows drawing together. They would love that. I never considered that when he walked away from me, he’d walk away from them too. But that’s what he did. He left and never looked back.
I wait for his anger, but his expression drops. “It doesn’t matter. We haven’t really spoken in a while.”
Tightness fills my chest but I fight to ignore it.
And before I can respond, a car drives past, and the headlights make me blink, the brightness working to clear my mind.
“Shit,” I whisper under my breath. The last thing I need is for one of Nathan’s friends to see me out here and tell him about Zane, making it out to be worse than it is.
“I gave you a minute and it’s been a hell of a lot longer. ”
“Yeah, well, you’ve never been great at time management.”
I smile, but it doesn’t quite meet my eyes. “I better—”
“Wait. Before you make me leave, I need to know… Are you happy?”
Dammit. I blow out a slow breath, buying myself some time while I gather my thoughts. Am I happy? Yes. Mostly. I love Nathan, and things are good between us. But could I be happier in another life? Unfortunately, that’s also a yes. Though I don’t deserve it.
“I’m as happy as I can be.” I pause as numbness pervades me. I used to strive for greatness and now I’m as happy as I can be? God. How did it get to this?
Zane’s nostrils flare, but before he can respond, I throw the question back at him, trying hard not to think about the magazine articles, the photos, the TV show… “Are you happy, Zane?”
He huffs as his lips quirk into a forced smile, undoubtedly wanting me to believe that it’s real. But I know him better than that. “I am,” he lies through his teeth. “Other than this minor hiccup.” He lifts his tee to show me his bandage. “I’m living the dream.”
“That’s great, Zane.” I force a smile of my own. “I always hoped you’d be happy.”
“Thanks. Right back at you, B. Always.”
Our fake smiles outshine each other until we fall silent, and I swear my heart’s going to pound right out of my chest.
Needing a reprieve, I blow out a breath and say my goodbyes. “I better go back in. But for what it’s worth, it was good seeing you again.”
“You too, B. You too.”
For the briefest moment, Zane’s smile turns genuine and I lose my breath. I almost tell him I’m sorry, until he turns around and jogs down the steps, only looking back when he’s reached Cade’s truck, giving me a wave that I fear may never leave me.
Less than a minute later, he’s gone.
My expression blank, I shut the door and nod to myself. I’m fine. I’m… My throat tightens and I barely manage a step before emotion overwhelms me and I fall to the floor, choking back tears.
I’m fine. So, why is it still so hard?