CHAPTER SEVEN
Blair
ONE MONTH LATER
“Iunderstand. Thank you for the time.” My stomach knots as I hang up my phone and fall into a heap on our new designer couch, immediately jumping up with a groan.
“For fuck’s sake.” Why do I keep forgetting how uncomfortable it is?
Sure, it’s beautiful and fits the pre-furnished classic styling to perfection, but give me a plush cloud-like cushion any day of the week. I need my couch to be so soft I could sleep on it. Because I do. Often.
Just not on this one.
“Hey babe.” Nathan walks in and habitually kisses my cheek, making himself comfortable on the couch I despise.
He looks right at home in his designer polo shirt and perfectly tailored jeans, his short brown hair purposely tousled to give that I just got out of bed look.
It’s sexy. Everything about him is sexy.
And yet as I cup my cheek where he kissed me, desperate to hold on to his warmth, I’m lost. It doesn’t give me the comfort it once did.
He doesn’t give me the comfort he once did.
And I have no idea what that means. “What do you think about pasta for dinner?” he asks, pulling my gaze to his face as he closes his eyes, tucking his hands behind his head.
“I’ve been dreaming about it since you made that new sauce last week. ”
“Do you mind if we get takeout?” I say, shaking off my thoughts. “I’m not really in the mood to cook.”
Nathan sits up instantly, his eyes flashing to the phone in my hand. “What happened? Who was that?” His shoulders stiffen and I guess he’s thinking about Zane.
I probably shouldn’t have told him that Zane came by our old house, but I’m not a deceitful person, and that definitely felt like deceit.
I may not have done anything wrong, but Nathan knows about my past with Zane, and more than that…
They hate each other. Even now when they haven’t seen each other for years, I know Zane would feel the same.
And we’re about to find out when Los Angeles plays San Francisco in a couple of weeks. Their first game against each other since Zane transferred in college.
“It wasn’t Zane.” I ease Nathan’s mind. “I told you. We haven’t spoken. I still have him blocked on my phone.”
“I didn’t ask.” He stares at me blankly while the hint of a smile begs to shine through.
I raise an eyebrow, and he laughs. “Okay, yes, I was thinking about it. You know me too well.”
“I do. But you have nothing to worry about. Me, on the other hand… that was another ‘I’m sorry but you weren’t right for the position’ call.”
“Oh, babe.” Nathan stands and immediately wraps me in his hold. “I’m a dick.”
“Nah, you’re okay. Your jealousy distracted me for a moment.”
“I wasn’t jealous.” He puffs out his chest, standing tall. And while I appreciate him trying to distract me again, it doesn’t solve my problem. I’m not sure what will.
“Of course you weren’t.” I wink and step out of his grasp. “Anyway, takeout?”
“Wait. What happened? What crazy employer didn’t want to work with you?” His expression holds all the concern he can muster, and yet, I’m not convinced that it’s genuine.
“Another hospital.” I sigh. “I thought the world was desperate for nurses. But apparently, they only want nurses with a minimum of five years’ experience, and I’m short a few years.”
“This could be good for your studies though. You could get your master’s degree in psychology. You still want that, right?”
If only. I would love more than anything to get my master’s but… “I can’t afford to do that. I’d need money to live while I’m studying.”
“That’s what I’m here for.” Nathan’s so excited by that prospect that I bite back my groan.
“Nathan. We’ve had this conversation.”
“We have. But I want to discuss it again. Don’t think of it as a free ride. You’d be helping me by cooking and cleaning.”
I shiver uncontrollably. I’ve been there and the thought of going back—to being that dependent again—makes my stomach churn.
There’s nothing wrong with being a housewife, and if I had kids, I’d probably want to be home with them.
But the thought of being Nathan’s stay-at-home girlfriend doesn’t sit well with me.
It was hard enough when he supported me during my final year at college.
I want to help provide for my family. Even if it’s just the two of us. I have no problems with Nathan outearning me because I’m never going to make the kind of money he does. But I want to earn my keep.
“It’s not a bad thing staying at home to support your partner.” Nathan lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him. “Plenty of wives and girlfriends do it.”
“It’s not a bad thing, but it’s not my thing.”
“Think of the positives—you could come to all my games, travel with me. We’d see each other more. Sleep in the same bed, instead of you falling asleep on the couch.”
His brows furrow and I wince. “I know. I know. But I enjoy working. Please let me have that.” It’s all I’ve got.
Nathan sighs and I pause, waiting for his reaction. “You’re right. I’m sure something will come up. In the meantime, I’ll keep thinking good thoughts.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“What about tacos for dinner?” He changes the subject without so much as a moment of silence. “I’ll grab them from that place down the road?”
“Sounds perfect.” I smile, looking forward to the reprieve as much as the food.
Nathan presses another kiss to my cheek, and I hold my smile until he walks out the door.
What a mess. This is supposed to be a new beginning for me, and yet, it feels like the end.
After another rejection call the following morning, I get dressed for a hike and leave Nathan a note, setting off toward a popular walking track, since I’m not familiar with the area yet.
When I pull into the dirt-laden parking lot, I take a deep breath as I jump out of the car, soaking up the warmth from the sun, letting the fresh air fill my lungs while I run through my mantra.
Let the earth heal me and the solace give me the peace I need to move forward.
My eyes drift shut and I’m taken back to the beaches of Florida and the walking trails surrounding them, to the sounds of the trees rustling in the breeze, the waves crashing in the distance.
And for the briefest of moments, my heart fills with joy.
My psychologist suggested this mantra after Sierra died, and to this day, it’s the only thing that works.
Because of that, I’ve kept this part of my life to myself. Nathan knows I hike, but it’s not something that interests him so I’m thankful he’s never asked to come. This is my time to heal. To forget. To just be. I’m a mess without it.
Stretching out my calves and hips, I grab the physical map I bought so I don’t have to rely on cell service and take off in the direction of the mountains, ready to work up a sweat.
With every step, the tightness in my chest eases, and by the time I’m at the summit, I can breathe again.
Only now that I’m able to focus on something other than the path in front of me, the past few months flash through my mind, the images firing like an old film projector seconds before it explodes into nothing, and the happiness burns away.
My move to California was in the works for months.
I had plenty of time to leave and yet something always held me back.
As though moving away from our home was a betrayal to Sierra.
Something she’ll never get the chance to do.
But if I’d known I was going to run into Zane again, I would have changed course much sooner.
I would have veered left to avoid a collision.
God. A collision? What is wrong with me?
It’s like I take great joy in misery. I should be focusing on the beauty of the world.
The warmth of the late September sun. The sounds of the birds chirping high above the trees.
The feel of the leaves as I brush past them or the crunch beneath my shoes. The amazing smells. God, the smells.
And the view.
I should be focused on the view.
I have so much to be grateful for, and instead I focus on what I’m missing. My old life. My old friends. Sierra.
Zane.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss what I once had. And seeing Zane just about destroyed me again.
When I thought I was doing so well.
He has a way of reminding me of the girl I once was, and since she’s long gone, it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Taking another deep breath, I close my eyes as the breeze cools my cheeks, letting the rest of my senses help to clear my mind of the chaos.
Praying for a sign that it’s all going to be okay.
When I finally feel a small sense of relief, I open my eyes and jump.
“Jesus.” My hand flies to my chest as my heart races, my eyes locked on the smiling young woman standing before me. My brows pull together. Is she my sign? Or is the universe trying to mock me?
Blinking a few times, I shake off my thoughts and wave. “Hi?” I question as she grimaces.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. It’s just…I’ve hiked these mountains so many times and you’re the first I’ve seen come up this high. I kind of got excited.”
A small smile tugs at my lips and I drop my hand, ever so slightly relaxing. “Sorry, I freaked out. I—” I cut myself off. I was about to tell her I’m new here, but isn’t that the start of a horror movie? After all, she did just say nobody comes up here.
“Don’t sweat it. It’s all good.” She brushes off my concern. “Do you come here often?” Light laughter fills the air as she shakes her head. “Wow, if that wasn’t the worst pickup line.”
Her smile has mine widening and I rush to reassure her. “I’ve been known to use that line before. Not to pick up.”
“Oh, but… never mind. Have you hiked here before?”
“I haven’t. This is my first time.” Shit. “But I’ve hiked a lot of other places.”
“Oh, yeah? What’s your favorite?”
Goddammit. I blow out a breath. “Please tell me you’re not a serial killer? I’ve been watching a lot of true crime lately, and this is exactly how an episode would begin.”
The woman bursts out laughing this time and I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. “You’re adorable,” she says, scrunching her nose. “And no, I’m not a serial killer. I played one in a series once, but that’s as close as it comes.”
“You’re an actress?”
“I am. I’m surprised you didn’t guess.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” My cheeks heat with embarrassment. “I didn’t recognize you.”
“I didn’t mean that.” She laughs again and it has a softness to it that calms me. “I meant that a lot of people in LA are somehow involved in the movie business.”
“I’m not.”
“I can tell. I’m Jenna.” She holds out her hand for me to take, and I shake it with a comfortable grin.
“Hi, Jenna, I’m Blair.”
“Nice to meet you, Blair. Are you walking back down?”
“I am.”
“Mind if I join you? I promise not to attack you. Unless you ask me to.”
“What?” My eyes widen and she smiles.
“It’s a joke. Full disclosure. I think you’re beautiful, and I probably would have kept walking if I hadn’t found you attractive.”
“Oh.” I didn’t see that coming. “I’m flattered. But…” I tuck my hair behind my ear as my gaze drops to my shoes, suddenly interested in pulling up my socks. “I have a boyfriend.”
I wince and Jenna laughs. “Shame. But that’s okay. I’m happy to settle for friends.” She holds out her arm this time, waiting for me to curl mine through, and I hesitate for a beat, not used to people being this forward.
Jenna smiles again, and when the warmth of it fills my chest, a thought hits me. I could sure use a friend.
“Sounds great.” I throw caution to the wind, linking my elbow with hers.
Thank you, universe. I’m going to be okay.