CHAPTER THIRTY
Zane
My heart stops as Blair stares up at me, her cheeks flushed, her usually neat curls messed up from my fingers. Her beauty never ceases to amaze me.
It takes all the strength I have to let her go. But I do. Because while she may not be drunk, she’s definitely on her way there.
Her lips part, and my hands curl into fists as I watch the pink hue from her cheeks guiding a path down her neck and her chest, disappearing under the sexy pajamas I now regret insisting she wear.
She bites her lip again, and her chest rises as she inhales a deep breath. “You smell so good,” she whispers, and I can’t help but smile.
“How about you lie down while I go and get you some water”—I pause—“and Tylenol. Your head is going to ache come morning.”
“No, I’m okay. We’re supposed to be talking.”
“I don’t think now’s the best time.”
“Trying to get out of it?”
“No, I—”
“I know. You’re just doing that thing where you get all protective again.”
I scoff but gently lift her into my arms, repositioning her on the bed, her head on the pillow, her chaotic curls billowing out beside her face. My chest aches but I ignore it.
“It’s strange, you know,” she whispers, stretching her arms out wide as she twists her body into various positions.
She pauses for a beat, and I don’t ask what’s strange because I’m not sure I want the answer.
But she gives it anyway. “I probably should have known, but I never let myself think about it.”
“Known what?” Dammit. I wasn’t going to ask.
“About you. After all this time, you still care.”
“Of course I do,” I tell her honestly, the pain in my chest spreading. “I never stopped.” I whisper the last part, and when she doesn’t acknowledge it, I assume she didn’t hear me. Chuckling to myself, I get up to leave the room, but I’ve barely made it to the foot of the bed when she stops me.
“Are you still attracted to me?” she asks out of nowhere, her voice lifting at the end. “You’ve always made me feel wanted, but do you really still want me? All of me. After all this time?”
I should ignore her and keep moving, but the vulnerability in her voice gets me and instead, I peek around the lace hanging from the bed frame, losing my breath, my body answering for her.
Our eyes meet and her lips open in a gasp, her breath frantic. As she stares at me, her emotions on full display, I can’t fathom a time or place where I would ever not be attracted to her.
When I don’t immediately respond, she lifts to her elbows, blinking a few times before turning away, her pink cheeks darkening. “I know I’m not as slim as I once was…”
Is she kidding me? “Blair, my cock is at half-mast when I’m just talking to you.
I’m more than attracted to you. In my eyes, you’ve always been the most beautiful girl…
woman to ever exist, and time hasn’t changed that.
” I’m more honest than I’d usually be because it seems like she needs this win right now. And when she smiles, I relax.
“Okay, good to know.”
“Good.” I chuckle under my breath. “I hope that helps you sleep a little better.”
I turn to leave but she stops me again. “Who needs sleep? I think we should fuck.”
“You… what?” I half choke, half stumble as I spin back around, trying to see her face. Our eyes lock again, and she licks her lips while my cock throbs uncomfortably.
“Blair,” I warn and she laughs softly.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I needed to lighten the mood, and you know I’ve always loved teasing you.”
“It’s true. You always were a gorgeous pain in my ass.”
Blair’s expression turns serious and she takes a deep breath. “Jokes aside, thank you. It’s been a while since I’ve felt as desired as I do with you.”
I open my mouth to argue but slam my eyes shut. Now is not the time to bring up her dumbass of an ex. They only just broke up. How the fuck did he not make her feel desired every single day?
“Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you’re not the most beautiful woman on this planet. Ever. Okay?”
“Okay,” she whispers, her voice shaking as she nods, the emotion clear in her expression.
My chest tightens, thinking about all that we’ve been through together and apart.
“Your ring,” she says suddenly, drawing my attention to the way I’m subconsciously spinning the ring on my pinky.
I should have taken it off years ago, but I couldn’t.
The only time it leaves my finger is when I’m on the field.
And while I don’t plan on admitting it right now, I only wear it for her.
“This old thing,” I joke, dropping my hand. “Another piece of jewelry to add to my collection.”
Blair’s eyes widen when I gesture to the bulge in my pants. “I still can’t tell if you’re messing with me or not,” she muses, her eyes lowering to my groin. “Can I see it?” She sits forward, clearly more brazen with some alcohol in her system.
“You want to see my cock?” I balk. “You want to see if I’ve got a piercing?”
“I do. Very much so.”
Fuck. If I didn’t know how tipsy she was, and that she was likely using this as a deflection, it would be a major turn-on. But even my cock realizes it’s not going to happen. It doesn’t so much as twitch when she nibbles her lip in anticipation.
“Maybe another time. For now, you need to sleep.”
“Ugh. I don’t need sleep.” She yawns, making me chuckle. “If we’d have slept together back then, I’d know the truth, so why can’t I know now?”
I bite back another laugh and sit down on the end of the bed, reaching forward to pat her leg. My poor, beautiful, mixed-up Little B. “I didn’t have it back then, so you wouldn’t have known if I had it now.”
“What you’re saying is no? You’re not going to show me.” She pouts and I bite my lip to stop myself from laughing again.
“Not tonight.” I stand up and bop her on the nose. “I’ll be back.”
Without waiting for a response, I jog out of the room and tiptoe through the apartment, grabbing a glass of water and rummaging around until I’ve located a Tylenol. I half expect Blair to be asleep when I return, but she’s sitting up, her expression unreadable.
“Here.” I give her the water and place the Tylenol on the nightstand. “Drink up and then it’s time to lie down.”
Surprisingly doing as asked, Blair quietly gulps back the water, handing me the empty glass. But before I can move, she grabs my wrist.
“Don’t go. Please.”
“I won’t. I’ll just be down the hall.”
“No, I mean, don’t leave me. Not yet.”
I nod and Blair falls silent for a beat, running her hands down her face as the energy between us completely changes. “There’s something I have to tell you.” She pauses as tears coat her eyes. “But I’m terrified you’ll leave.”
My body tenses, the muscles straining as I visually appraise her. She forces a smile and I immediately sit beside her, putting her water glass down before grabbing her hand. “Why would I leave?” My voice cracks from the emotion pouring out of her, and when she lets go of my hand, I panic.
“It was all my fault.”
“What was?”
My heart aches for her, but when the first tear glides down her cheek, dread shreds me from the inside.
“The night of the accident, I’d been drinking like this.
” She pauses and I freeze. I knew she wanted to talk, but now that it’s happening, I feel nauseous.
“I was broken and numb and I wasn’t thinking clearly.
I did some things… It doesn’t matter, but I shouldn’t have called you.
” She frantically wipes her eyes, her breathing rapid as she sniffs.
I rush to comfort her, the pain in my chest unbearable as I watch her break. “Blair, there is no situation, no universe, where I wouldn’t want you to call me. No matter what.”
“But it’s my fault. If I hadn’t called you, you never would have gotten in your truck. You never would have been on that road. That’s why Sierra died. Because of me.”
Fuck. My heart cracks as a wave of guilt makes it difficult to breathe. “No, Blair. It’s not—”
“Wait, there’s more… I’m the reason she was drinking, Zane.
After you… No… Because we ended things, I started drinking at the first party.
And I made Sierra come and drink with me.
Told her I needed to drown my sorrows because of her stupid brother.
She knew, you know? She knew the whole time. I couldn’t hide it.”
“I know,” I rasp, unable to say much more as my beautiful girl shatters in front of me.
The last time Blair and I spoke, before I left Jacksonville, before I ran away, I’d reluctantly agreed that we were both to blame, that we’d both played a part in the events of that night.
I knew it was wrong, but I was so fucked up over what had happened that I couldn’t make much sense of anything.
All I knew was that Blair was begging me. And I couldn’t say no to her.
I knew my sister had one drink, but I never knew it was Blair that gave it to her.
Either way, that’s not what caused the accident.
I took the blame for the alcohol in her system, and never mentioned it to Blair.
Now it appears Blair omitted some of the details herself.
She never told me she thought my sister had been drunk.
Not once.
“All this time, you thought it was you? I thought you were taking responsibility because you’d called me. If I’d known you were carrying that much—”
“If she wasn’t drinking, the accident never would have happened…”
“She wasn’t drinking,” I say, my body numb, the last seven years of pain suffocating me from the inside.
“She’d still be alive…”
“She wasn’t drinking!” I repeat, louder this time, my voice ragged as I draw in a breath. I did this. I always knew Blair’s pain was my fault, but I never knew the severity of it all. How badly I’d fucked up. “She wasn’t drinking, Blair!”
“It’s my fault you left and— What?” Blair’s eyes dart to mine, my words finally sinking in. “No, I saw her.”
“If you saw her, then you saw her have one drink. That’s all she had. She told me on the way that she’d only had one. I never would have let her drive otherwise.”
“She lied to you, Zane.” Blair scoffs incredulously. “Of course she lied, she—”
“There was barely any alcohol in her system.”
“What?”
“The coroner confirmed her blood alcohol level was low. Not that I needed him to. I knew. She was of sound mind.” Not that my parents saw it that way.
“But then why?” Blair squints before jamming her palms into her eyes. “No, no, no, no. I did it. It was my fault. My fault she died, my fault you left. It was me.”
A deep ache burns in my chest. If I wasn’t fighting so hard to hold my shit together, I’d undoubtedly have tears in my eyes. For her. Because I did this. I broke her.
“It was never you, Blair. Never.”
Blair continues to shake her head but removes her hands, setting her shattered gaze on mine. “I thought you knew,” I whisper as everything I remember of that night plays through my mind.
Having her staring at me makes my next words that much harder to say, but I swallow the emotion in my throat and push on through.
“I was the drunk one, B. It was all me.”