Chapter 9
Rue
“Thanks for chatting with me.”
Colson nods, smiling at me as we sit down on a bench in the garden. “Not a problem. What’s going on?”
“Uh, nothing exactly. I just…” I just what? Want to download his brain so I can capture some of his elegance and confidence? Learn how to look so effortlessly gorgeous? Add beauty to every room I enter like he does? “I’m not sure how to word it.”
“You don’t have to be delicate with me. Just say it. I’m married to Specter; I can handle it.”
“You’re married?”
His smile grows. “Yes. Never thought it would happen, but it’s beautiful.”
“How did you meet him? You don’t do the same job, right?”
“Oh no. I’m a dancer. He used to be a customer, and then I got myself a nasty little stalker and I didn’t know where else to run, so I ran to him. Smartest decision I’ve ever made.”
“Did you know what he did for a living?”
“No, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it was probably dangerous. I was desperate though.”
I nod, pressing my lips together. “How…” My words trail off again.
Colson puts his hand over mine where it’s resting on my thigh. “Let it all out. Even if it doesn’t make sense. We’ll get there.”
Exhaling slowly, I nod. “I want to be like you. I want to look nice and feel confident. I want to stop making stupid choices and I want to grow up.”
His expression softens. “Grow up?”
“I grew up very sheltered and repressed. My grandparents were really strict and religious. I couldn’t explore who I am, you know? Then when I was brave enough to tell them I was gay, they kicked me out.”
His brow creases. “I’m sorry that happened. It’s so shitty.”
“It is. My mom died a long time ago, so I didn’t have anywhere else to go.
You’d think being thrown to the wolves would have helped me get some street smarts, but I walked straight into a bad situation and now I’m here, relying on a man I don’t even know because he looked safer than my original option. ”
“Carnage is safe. For you.”
“He hasn’t told me why he’s called Carnage.”
Colson scrunches his nose. “Probably for the best until you get to know him better. Which isn’t easy, to be honest, but it’s worth it.”
“Tell me about him.”
Colson nods. “He’s intense. He’s loyal—deeply loyal to those he cares about. He’s…” Colson tilts his head back and forth as if searching for words. “Very good at his job, if you know what I mean.”
A shiver moves down my back. “I do. Is he… I don’t know, a good person?”
Colson chuckles softly. “I don’t know what your definition of a good person is, but by mine, all the guys are good at their core, but they didn’t end up as hit men because they’ve had easy lives.
Carnage is probably the most…” He pauses again.
“Unhinged is the best word I can think of, but he turns it off and on. He’s only that way when he’s working.
I don’t know what he’s like romantically.
He hasn’t been with anyone since I’ve known him. ”
“Oh, we’re not romantic. He’s just helping me out.”
Colson smiles like he knows a secret I don’t. “What I’m hearing is that you’re feeling a little lost, is that right?”
“Lost is a good word. How do I even know where to start creating some kind of life for myself?”
“You already started. You’re here.”
“This is temporary. As soon as Carnage deals with Leon, I’ll be on my own again.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure about that.” He pats my leg. “We know you now. None of us are gonna send you into the lion’s den on your own. We’re a fucked-up group of people, but once you’re one of ours, we’ve got your back. You can count on that.”
“You’re not fucked up.”
“I’ve got my own shit to deal with. Everyone does.”
“I guess so.” We sit quietly for a moment until another question bubbles up. “How do you deal with what Specter does? Are you okay with it?”
Colson gazes ahead as a soft smile tugs at his lips.
“It never really bothered me. I mean, at first, I thought ‘oh great, I found myself a violent criminal’ but I quickly learned that’s not what he is.
Our life in the mansion is very domestic and even sweet sometimes.
He’s got two loyalties: his brothers and me.
That’s it. I’ve never been loved like this, and it’s incredible.
As far as what he does for work, I don’t really think about it that deeply.
Especially since they updated their procedures to be more focused on the worst of the worst. They’re doing the world a service, in my opinion. ”
“Is that what Carnage meant when he said they revamped their processes?”
“Yeah. Some shit went down last year that made Shadow rethink how he took on clients. Since that change, the guys are energized again. Who’s gonna miss a few criminals, pedophiles, and rapists?”
“That’s true.”
“Listen, Rue, I know as well as anyone that it’s unconventional, but the world is a weird place, and sometimes a dangerous one. Specter and the boys make it a little better in a way.”
I nod. “I mean, I do feel safe here, and it’s not like I’m dating Carnage. He’s just helping me.”
“Do you want to?”
“What? Date him?”
“Or whatever?”
I shake my head. “He wouldn’t be interested in me. I’m so unworldly and inexperienced. I haven’t even had sex with anyone yet.”
I expect to see shock on Colson’s pretty face, but he just smiles again. “And? Do you think that makes you undesirable?”
“Yes? For someone like Carnage.”
“Oh, so you know him well enough to know what he thinks is hot or not?”
“Well, no, but why would he be interested in me when he can have anyone?”
“Isn’t that the million-dollar question? You’re here, so something about you intrigued him. You didn’t force him at gunpoint to bring you here, did you?”
I laugh softly. “No, of course not.”
“Exactly. Carnage is a lot of things, some of them complicated, but he’s not a bleeding heart. He doesn’t do a damn thing he doesn’t want to do. He wanted you here.”
I nod, trying to believe I could be more than a charity case for Carnage. “Can I ask you something personal?”
“Sure.”
“How did you become so… so you? Like, your style and how you carry yourself?”
“Experimentation. Trying new things, seeing what feels right. That’s all life really is. You find what you like by trying things.” He leans forward slightly. “Hey. Why don’t we go shopping? I’ll take you to some of my favorite places.”
“Oh, I don’t have any money.”
“We can just have fun and try stuff out. At least you can start percolating on what you might gravitate towards.”
“You’d do that?”
“I never need an excuse to go shopping.” He winks at me. “And I have plenty of makeup and hair products if you want to experiment.”
“Makeup? Oh, yeah. I like mascara and gloss, but I left it behind.”
“When you were kidnapped?” He winks again.
“Yeah.” I chuckle. “He’s effective, at least.”
“He is definitely that.” He pats my leg. “Feel free to talk to me whenever. Pax is the other civilian among us, but he and Wraith are always attached to each other.”
“He’s intimidating as fuck.”
Colson laughs. “He’s a sweetie, but he was a professional hockey player before he retired, so his life experiences aren’t like ours at all.”
“Were you thrown out of your home too?”
“Kind of. My parents died when I was young and my extended family wasn’t too excited to have me.
It went from bad to worse and I ended up on the streets.
I was gonna be a ballet dancer when I was young, but when things went sideways, I had to let that go.
I ended up dancing burlesque, which is actually really fun. ”
“And you still dance?”
“Yes, just not as often. Possessive husband, and all.”
“But you like that? I mean, possessiveness?”
He drags a hand through his silky hair. “Never thought I would to be honest, but Specter’s brand of love is…” He pauses, smiling dreamily. “It’s the best.”
“That’s good.”
“My advice? Use the time you’re here to relax and explore, and if Carnage wants to love you, I’d suggest you let him.”
“I don’t see how he could, but I hear you.”
“Good. Want to go raid my closet?”
“What? Really?”
“Sure. We look similar in size.”
“Except you’re so fit.” And pretty. Damn, he’s pretty. Could I be pretty? Would Carnage like that? Wait. I shouldn’t be thinking about him like that at all. I’m lucky he wants to help. I definitely shouldn’t push my luck. “I think that would be fun.”
Colson’s smile blooms bright. “I think so too. Come on.”
I don’t know how long I’ve been in Colson and Specter’s room, but it must be hours by now. I’ve tried on so many outfits—“looks” as Colson calls them—but it’s exhilarating. I’ve never had such nice clothes on before.
“Let’s see you, diva.”
I step out of the closet, and Colson actually gasps before a smile spreads across his face.
“Well, look at you.”
“Is it good?” I drag my hand over the soft material of the shirt I’m wearing.
“You tell me. Check out the mirror.”
I step in front of the full-length mirror, slowly lift my head, and take in my reflection. My jaw drops in surprise. I look… glamorous. Maybe even pretty.
“Wow.”
“I knew that would suit you. I could just tell.”
I’m wearing a teal vest made of the softest silk, with gold buttons down the front.
It tapers at my waist and plunges at the neckline.
I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to wear a shirt under it, but Colson said no.
He paired it with tight black suede pants and black ankle boots that are just a little too big for me, but not so much that I can’t wear them.
He’s been messing with my hair off and on throughout this process, and he’s settled on a style that has it swept off my face in soft waves.
I didn’t know it could do that either. My look is finished with light makeup—mascara, blush, a bit of kohl liner, and a pink gloss.
I’ve never seen myself look like this. I didn’t know I could.
Colson whistles low. “You look hot.”
“Thank you.”
“That’s yours now. It was made for you.”
“Oh, no, I couldn’t take your clothes.”
“I insist. I haven’t worn the vest in years and it suits you.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, still touching the soft material.
“I am.”
I spin around and throw my arms around his neck. He laughs, rubbing my back.
“Thank you,” I murmur.
“You’re so welcome. This was fun. Maybe I’m missing out on another calling. I could style people.”
“You could.”
“Hmm. Dancing won’t last forever, so maybe. Should we go show off your new look to Carnage and the crew?”
My stomach flutters but I nod. “Okay. We did all this work; we might as well let people see it.”
“That’s the spirit.” He stands and puts his hands on my shoulders. “Now, I want you to hold your head high and walk into the room like you fucking own it. Look at Carnage like you own him too. Embrace your looks, because they are spectacular.”
My nose tickles with emotion, but I clear my throat and nod. “Yes, coach.”
Colson chuckles, giving my shoulders a quick squeeze.
“One more question?” I say.
“Sure.”
I think over my words for a minute before letting them out. “Do you think it’s bad if I want to just get it over with? I mean, losing my virginity? If I lost it, I would lose all my value to Leon. He probably wouldn’t even want me anymore.”
Colson blinks rapidly. “What?”
“I don’t want to still be a virgin. It’s not for any reason other than lack of opportunity.”
“No, I mean, what do you mean you would lose your value?”
“Leon only wants me because I’m a virgin. He was planning to, uh, well, to take it at his birthday party and pass me around to a bunch of his friends. I think it was like a prize to him, maybe.”
Colson recoils in disgust. “You’re fucking joking.”
“No, unfortunately. That’s why I had to get away. Well, I mean, he’s also a terrible person, but that was the reason I had to hurry. I don’t even know when his birthday is, and when I saw Carnage in the club, I just had a feeling he would help.”
“Does Carnage know that?”
“Yes. He was pissed.”
“Uh, yeah. I don’t know what happened in his past, but I do know he doesn’t do well with forced sex. He loses his shit.”
“I noticed. Do you think that means he wouldn’t…
with me? I offered, but he acted insulted.
I guess he might not find me attractive, but it would be good if I could just…
” I close my eyes and exhale slowly. “If I could get this one thing off my back. Carnage is gorgeous and sexy and I’m sure he knows his way around a body, but I don’t know how to get him to believe that it’s what I really want and… Do you have any advice?”
“Um…” Colson drags a hand through his hair. “Honesty is probably the best approach. Tell him what you told me. Maybe if he understands that you’re willingly offering, he’ll be open to it.” He shrugs. “I really don’t know though.”
I nod. “Okay. I’ll try honesty. I thought Leon would’ve done it by now, but then I figured out why he didn’t. I mean, he did sexual stuff to me, but not that.”
“Fuck,” he whispers. “Does Carnage know that too?”
“Sort of, yeah.”
“He’s gonna fucking kill him, Rue. When Carnage finds him, Leon’s a dead man.”
“I know. Is it bad that I don’t care?”
“No.” He rubs my arm. “He hurt you. He’ll pay for that.”
“I’m sure I’m not the first or the last. At least he won’t be able to hurt people anymore.”
“No.” Colson smiles. “Alright, head up, diva. Let’s go show those boys who the fuck you are.”
I straighten my shoulders and walk behind Colson as confidently as I can, doing my best to channel his aura. When we enter the rec room, he moves to my side, and Carnage looks up from a table where he’s playing cards with Whisper, Nimble, and Specter.
His jaw drops, and I’m tempted to cower, but one peek at Colson boosts my confidence.
“Hi,” I say.
“Holy fuck.” Carnage stands. “You look… stunning.”
“Thank you. Colson gave me a little makeover.”
“Not really,” Colson says. “All that beauty was already there. I just dressed it up a little.”
I smile. I’m aware of everyone staring at me, but for once it feels really good to have so much attention.
“We should go out,” Specter says. “What do you say, Carn?”
He nods slowly. “Yeah, we should. Don’t want to waste all this effort.”
I feel a little giddy inside as I nod. “That sounds fun.” But then reality hits. “But what about Leon? If he finds me—”
Whisper laughs. “Let him find you, kid. It’ll be our pleasure to handle it.”
“Don’t worry,” Carnage says. “You’re safe with us.”
His delivery sends a trickle of excitement through me. “Okay then. Let’s do it.”
Maybe later I can talk to Carnage about what I really want. If I could ditch Leon and the virginity, I’d consider that success.
The way Carnage is looking at me right now, I might really have a chance.