CHAPTER THIRTEEN #2
But I can't. Can't breathe. Can't think. Can't do anything but scream my brother's name over and over while the Murphy house burns.
"My brother. My brother is in there. We have to go back. We have to—"
"We can't go back!" William's voice cuts through my screams. "Aoife, we can't—"
"EVERYONE IS IN THERE!" I'm sobbing, clawing at the seats, trying to climb up to see. "My brother, your brothers, the families—"
The SUV lurches forward, even faster now. I hear the crash of branches, feel the vehicle plow through something. The hedge line. We're breaking through the hedge line that borders the property.
Then we're on a road. A real road.
I can still see the glow through the back window. Orange and red lighting up the night sky. The Murphy estate is burning. Everything is burning.
And we're driving away.
"No," I sob. "No, no, no. Please. Please, we have to go back."
William doesn't answer. The SUV just keeps accelerating, putting more distance between us and the burning house.
I can't breathe. My chest is too tight. My vision is going dark around the edges. I'm hyperventilating, gasping for air that won't come.
First my mother.
Then my father.
Now Reilan.
Everyone I love. Everyone. Gone.
The sounds coming out of me don't sound human. They're animal. Raw. The kind of sounds people make when their world ends.
The SUV takes a corner too fast. I'm thrown against the seat.
"Breathe," he says. But his voice sounds far away. "Aoife, breathe."
I can't.
Can't breathe. Can't think. Can't exist in a world where my brother just died while I ran away.
While William saved me and left everyone else to burn.
The darkness at the edges of my vision spreads. Swallows me whole.
And I'm grateful.
Because for just a moment, I don't have to feel anything at all.
When I come back, we're still driving.
The SUV's speed has decreased, but only slightly. My face is pressed against the floor mat, my body curled in the cramped space.
I don't fight anymore.
Don't have the strength.
"How long?" My voice is wrecked. Raw from screaming.
"Five minutes. Maybe less."
Five minutes since my brother died. Five minutes since the Murphy house exploded. Five minutes since my entire world ended.
It feels like hours. Like years. Like no time at all.
I manage to push myself up slightly. I'm still on the floor, but I can see his face now in the dim light from the dashboard.
His jaw is clenched so tight I can see the muscle jumping. His eyes are fixed straight ahead, not looking at me. His knuckles on the steering wheel are white.
"Did you know?" The question comes out barely above a whisper. "Did you know this would happen?"
Silence.
"William." My voice breaks on his name. "Did you know they were going to blow up the house?"
More silence.
And that's answer enough.
He knew.
He knew and he got me out and he left everyone else behind.
"My brother," I whisper. "Reilan was in there. Your brothers. Aidan. All those people."
"I know." His voice is flat. Empty.
"You saved me."
"Yes."
"Why?" The word is barely audible. "Why just me?"
He doesn't answer. Just keeps staring ahead.
I curl back into myself on the floor. One of the diamond pins has fallen from my hair. The sapphire pendant at my throat feels like it's choking me.
I'm alive.
And everyone else is dead.
The guilt is worse than the grief.
"Where are we going?" I ask eventually.
"Safe house."
"There is no safe house." A laugh bubbles up, hysterical. "There's no such thing as safe. Not anymore."
"I'm getting you somewhere they can't reach you."
"They just blew up your house, William. With everyone we know inside. What makes you think anywhere is safe?"
He doesn't have an answer for that.
Neither do I.
The SUV turns onto a smaller road. Then another. The city lights are far behind us now. We're heading into darkness. Into nothing.
Into whatever comes after your entire world burns down.
I close my eyes. See the explosion again. The light. The fire. The way the house lifted into the airas if it weighed nothing.
Reilan was in there.
My big brother, who brought me clothes in the hospital. Who stood beside me through the worst moments of my life. Who told me he'd burn the world down for me.
He burned instead.
And I ran.
The sobs come again. Quieter this time. Broken. I curl tighter into myself, make myself as small as possible on the floor of this SUV.
My brother was in there.
The thought circles over and over, relentless.
Reilan was in there. Aidan was in there. All those people. All those families. Everyone.
And William got me out.
Just me.
"Why?" The word comes out broken.
William doesn't answer. The SUV keeps moving through the darkness.
"Why just me?" I ask again.
"Because you're mine."
"I'm not yours," I whisper. "I'm no one's. Not anymore."
Because everyone who claimed me is dead.
Father, dying in a hospital bed.
Mother, dead for eleven years.
Reilan, burned alive in the Murphy house.
I have no one.
I am no one.
The realization settles over me like a weight. I'm untethered. Floating. Nothing anchoring me to this world except the man who saved me when he should have let me die with the rest of them.
The SUV turns onto a smaller road. Then another. The city lights fade behind us until there's nothing but darkness and the occasional distant light from a farmhouse.
We're heading into the countryside. Into nothing.
Into whatever exists after your entire world burns down.
I close my eyes. But that's worse. Because when I close my eyes, I see it.
The explosion.
The fire.
"Did you know?" I ask again, even though I already know the answer. "Did you know they were going to blow up the house?"
His silence is confirmation enough.
"You knew." My voice is flat. Dead. "You knew and you got me out and you left everyone else to die."
"Yes."
My mind spins so fast I think I’m either going to throw up or pass out. I’m clawing up onto the seat, looking for some form of stability that I don’t find.
"Aoife." William's voice cuts through my spiraling thoughts from the driver's seat.
I don't want to answer. Don't want to acknowledge him. Don't want to face the man who saved me and damned me in the same breath.
The SUV finally slows. Turns onto what sounds like a gravel drive. Stones crunching under the tires.
"We're here," William says.
I don't ask where here is.
Don't care.
The SUV stops. The engine cuts off. In the sudden silence, I can hear my own breathing. Fast and shallow. On the edge of hyperventilating again.
William opens his door. Cold air rushes in. "Come on."
I don't move.
Can't move.
If I get out of this SUV, I have to face whatever comes next. Have to exist in a world where my brother is dead. Have to figure out how to keep breathing when every breath feels like betrayal.