12. Ryan & Rhodes
Rhodes: I ordered Chinese.
Ryan: Good for you.
Rhodes: It’s here.
Ryan: Cool.
Rhodes: There’s enough for two.
Ryan: No, thank you.
Rhodes: Sorry. I don’t think I was clear.
Rhodes: Dinner is here, and you need to come eat.
Ryan: I’m not hungry.
Rhodes: Well, that’s too damn bad.
Rhodes: Come eat.
Ryan: No.
Rhodes: Ryan…
Ryan: I’m so glad you know my name.
Rhodes: This is childish. Come eat.
Ryan: No.
Rhodes: Yes.
Rhodes: I can literally hear your stomach growling right now.
Ryan: Are you standing outside my door?
Rhodes: Yes. Now turn the porn off and come eat.
Ryan: It’s not porn.
Rhodes: I am 95% sure I heard moaning.
Rhodes: Unless that was you, then it’s totally porn.
Ryan: It’s not porn, you ass!
Rhodes: So it’s you?
Ryan: OMG NO!
Ryan: If I agree to come eat, will you leave me alone?
Rhodes: Yes.
Ryan: Fine. I’ll be out in a minute.
Rhodes: So you can finish?
Ryan: I seriously hate you.
Rhodes: You only wish you did.
* * *
Rhodes: Your sex toy is here.
Ryan: Sex toy?!?
Rhodes: Yeah. Looks like some sort of butt stuff thing.
Ryan: HAHA
Ryan: Very funny, but that’s not my thing.
Rhodes: Duly noted.
Ryan: Besides, whatever it is, it’s not mine. I haven’t ordered anything since I moved in here.
Rhodes: But you do order sex toys? You just haven’t while you’ve lived here?
Ryan: Of course I order sex toys!
Ryan: But I didn’t and that’s not mine.
Rhodes: I am looking right at it and it is 100% a sex toy.
Rhodes: I’ll send you a pic.
Ryan: I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORE. DO NOT SEND ME A PICTURE OF A SEX TOY.
Rhodes: *picture*
Rhodes: See? Definitely for your butt or something. There are a ton of attachments.
Ryan: RHODES!
Ryan: That is NOT a sex toy. It’s a curling wang, you moron.
Ryan: WAND. Curling WAND.
Rhodes: Sure. Right. Definitely not a “wang” or anything.
Ryan: Just leave it where it is, and I’ll grab it when I get home.
Ryan: Now, can I please finish my shopping in peace?
Rhodes: Yes.
Rhodes: But don’t forget to add lube to your list. Looks like you’re going to need it.
Ryan: DAMMIT RHODES!
* * *
Ryan: Fun fact: Closing the fridge generally helps it stay cold.
Rhodes: Very interesting. I had no idea.
Ryan: Oh, I know you didn’t.
Ryan: In case you’re not understanding my sarcasm, you left the fridge open when you left this morning. Everything is warm.
Rhodes: Shouldn’t it beep to alert you it’s open?? Couldn’t you have closed it??
Ryan: Couldn’t YOU have closed it?? My milk is all warm and gross.
Rhodes: That’s what you get for drinking milk all willy-nilly like some weirdo.
Ryan: It’s not willy-nilly. I only drink it when I have pizza or have a lot of chocolate.
Ryan: And don’t say willy-nilly. It’s weird.
Rhodes: Speaking of a lot of chocolate… Your period chocolates are overflowing the snack cabinet.
Ryan: Those aren’t period chocolates. Those are just what I use to cope with the fact that I’m married to you.
Rhodes: Ouch.
Ryan: Are you going to be home soon?
Rhodes: Missing me already?
Ryan: Not even close.
Rhodes: So planning my murder?
Ryan: Guess you’ll never know.
Ryan: I was asking because I was going to make dinner.
Rhodes: You can cook?
Ryan: Never mind.
Rhodes: I’m kidding! What are you making?
Ryan: Parmesan chicken and garlic bread.
Rhodes: Okay, wow. No need to start talking dirty.
Ryan: I take it that sounds good?
Rhodes: Yes, please.
Ryan: Now who’s talking dirty?
Rhodes: Well played.
* * *
Rhodes: *picture*
Ryan: I didn’t realize we were in the stage of our relationship where we’re sending sexy pictures to each other.
Rhodes: Did you just call me sexy?
Ryan: I meant the fact that you’re actually following directions and closing the fridge.
Rhodes: Nope. Sorry. I definitely heard that you think I’m sexy.
Ryan: I definitely didn’t say that.
Rhodes: Sure. Whatever you need to tell yourself.
Rhodes: I’m heading to the rink, but I’ll be home before lunch. You know, in case you need to take care of yourself because you just can’t resist my sexiness.
Ryan: It’s not too soon for a divorce, right?
Rhodes: Sorry. You’re stuck with me for a whole year. Deal’s a deal.
Ryan: Ugh. Don’t remind me.