Chapter 12
Two weeks later
Every fear Caroline had felt for Julia before they departed for the country was coming true now that they’d been there for a while.
Castleton was a cad, his family was horrible and Julia seemed more interested in her fiancé’s cousin than in the man about to be bound to her forever.
It was all a recipe for disaster no matter how it was ultimately resolved.
Tension tightened in her chest at the thought.
“You have a letter that arrived this morning, Mrs. Banfield,” her maid, Violet said, handing over the folded papers before she went back to putting things away from their morning rituals.
Caroline looked at the swirling handwriting that her name was written in and her heart leapt. It was from Simone. These came every day and she sent back responses in kind. It sometimes felt like the only thing keeping her going in this trying time.
“Thank you. I’ll read it and stay out of your way as I’m not ready to go down yet.”
“Of course, madam,” Violet said.
Caroline settled in at the table by her window with the summer breeze coming in from the garden below and read:
Dear Caroline,
You said to me in your last letter that you aren’t doing anything for Julia and so I must start this missive by admonishing you because I know that isn’t true.
I have watched you with all your nieces for over six years now.
You have been a mother to them, a friend and a protector.
You could be nothing less now. From everything you’ve written to me about the situation, you are providing everything she might need so she can make the best decision.
But don’t mistake me, Caroline. It is Julia who must make that decision. You won’t be at fault whatever that is.
I went to Lady Lena’s Salon last night, just as you encouraged me to do in your earlier letter.
I wish you’d been there. They were discussing the Slave Trade Act of 1807 and how we must go further in fully banning all slavery in the empire.
There were a few in attendance who dared to argue against the rights of all, I’m sure you can guess who.
But on the whole it was a positive conversation.
I took detailed notes for you and will share them on your return.
Next month we’ll return to literature with a discussion of Pride and Prejudice. I know you’ve already read it and I must pick up a copy of my own from Mattigan’s so I may join in on the discourse. Perhaps…
There was a hesitation in the writing now, a little more sloppiness, as if Simone had feelings about what she wrote next.
Perhaps we could go together. Or meet there as we have in the past.
I think of you every day.
Simone
Caroline refolded the letter and covered her throbbing heart with her hands.
She was all aflutter and couldn’t deny it to herself.
She always had that reaction to Simone’s letters, which were so supportive and vibrant.
Every word also made Caroline feel as though she truly knew Simone better, or at least in ways she’d never revealed when they were face to face.
She wanted to read the note again, burn every word into her soul, but there was a knock on her door. Violet went to it and cracked it.
“Good morning, Violet,” Julia’s voice said on the other side. “Is my aunt awake?”
“Of course,” Caroline answered herself. She rose from where she’d been sitting by the window and came toward the door to greet Julia as she entered. Her niece appeared drawn. Troubled. All warm and happy thoughts of Simone faded at that expression. “That will be all, Violet, thank you.”
Julia stepped into the room, then the maid left and shut the door behind her. “Oh, this is a pretty view,” Julia said, coming to the window. “Is that the lake where we’ll be having the picnic later there in the distance?”
“Yes,” Caroline said, and froze. The letter was directly under Julia’s nose. If she looked…and of course she did at that very moment.
Julia stared and then her expression became confused. “Is that…is that a letter from Simone?”
Caroline rushed forward and snatched the pages from the desk, refolding them and pacing to her bed where she placed them beneath a book there. There was no denying it now. “Yes.”
When she dared to look at Julia, her mouth was dropped open a fraction. “Simone Stanhope writes you letters?”
“Not—not regularly,” Caroline lied.
“What is she writing you about?”
Well, what was the answer to that? She wrote about nothing. She wrote about everything. But Caroline couldn’t say that so she continued to lie instead. “I don’t know how that’s any of your business, Julia. But if you must know, she was sharing information about Evie.”
“You are receiving letters about Evelina from Simone, not Arabella or Evie, herself?” Julia looked increasingly confused.
“You are making such a fuss over almost nothing at all. Your friend was kind enough to send me a short letter after a visit with your sister. That’s all.
” Caroline folded her arms and hated that Julia was still staring toward where she’d hidden her precious letter.
“Was there something you came here to discuss with me or did you only intend to harass me about my private correspondence?”
Her sharpness seemed to draw Julia away from the questions.
“I didn’t come to trouble you, auntie, my apologies.
I was feeling restless and wanted to take a walk in the garden.
I think it’s appropriate for a lady to have her chaperone for such a thing and I’d love to walk with you even if it wasn’t. Would you come?”
That was a relief. And also something she wanted to do. “Of course, lovey. That would be divine.”
“And I promise not to interrogate you about any letters,” Julia teased.
Caroline laughed a little weakly. “That’s much appreciated. How is the little cat?”
Julia had adopted a kitten, Beatrice, who she’d found on the property two days before and seemed to thrill at the new source for her affection. Not that Caroline could blame her. The cat was adorable.
They spoke of her for a while, including the startling fact that Julia hadn’t yet told her fiancé about the animal.
A telling omission, to be certain. After the conversation had gone for a while, Caroline said, “What troubles me is that you think you must withhold your desire for a pet from this man for fear of…what? Do you think he would hurt you, or hurt Beatrice?”
The thought turned her stomach. Evelina had been physically harmed by a former lover and it had scarred her heart. Caroline still grieved that she hadn’t been able to save her. If Julia were in the same situation…
Julia shook her head. “Oh, no, I don’t think he would do that. More that he’d be irritated at the idea or perhaps refuse to allow me to keep her.”
“You think he’d deny you such a small pleasure?” They made their way down the paths in the garden together.
“I don’t know,” Julia admitted, and her voice cracked. “I honestly don’t know, Aunt Caroline.”
She knew that tone. She’d heard it in her own voice over the years of her brief marriage. She sometimes still heard it when she spoke about the future, which seemed so uncertain. Brighter thanks to Simone…but uncertain.
Perhaps it was time for a little honesty about that.
A connection only she and Julia could share.
She drew a ragged breath and said, “Sometimes I-I see the happiness of your sisters and it is overwhelming. It’s so powerful to see them so loved and so loving.
And a little…well, it sparks some sense of longing, doesn’t it? ”
They held stares for a long moment before Julia nodded. “Yes, I suppose it does.”
Caroline swallowed hard. Simone had said she could only give Julia so much advice before she had to let her niece make her own decisions so what she was about to say very much mattered.
“It’s easy to make mistakes when one is in that state. To want happiness so much that you would be willing to sacrifice anything to get even a sliver of it. One might even mistake other emotions for that happiness. Or pretend it existed where it didn’t.”
Julia stared out at the garden for what felt like a very long time. “You’re talking about my engagement.”
“You don’t love him.” Caroline knew it because she had felt the same way about her late husband.
She knew it because she understood love so much more now, not just because she’d seen it in Arabella and Evie…
but because she felt it. She…she loved Simone.
And that didn’t even surprise her to admit it to herself in this charged moment.
She had to continue, not let her own feelings cloud this.
“I don’t get the sense Castleton loves you.
That could still lead to a very happy union.
I know many people who aren’t in love with their husbands, but there is friendship and respect between them.
A true desire to see each other content.
But you’re afraid to tell this man about a kitten. ”
Julia’s breath came harshly. “Everything was just so rushed between us. I let it be rushed. And I still think we could come to an accord. We used to be more connected.”
“What changed?”
Julia glanced at her. “You might not love hearing that answer.”
“Tell me.” Caroline took both her hands.
“When we became engaged, I told him that I wanted to begin behaving like a proper lady would. That meant no more nights together until the wedding was over. He agreed, though he made clear his frustration with the idea. But now that there’s no…no sex, it seems like we’re more disconnected.”
That broke Caroline’s heart. She and Simone had shared that wonderful night in the carriage, but it had been preceded by so many years of connection where they’d never even touched.
And if they never touched again, as much as that idea stung, she knew they’d still be connected.
Passion was important, she recognized that now in a way she hadn’t before… but it wasn’t everything.
“I want so much more for you than this,” Caroline said softly, and brushed a lock of hair from Julia’s forehead.
“I want for you what I see in your sisters. I want to watch you laugh with a man you love. I want to see him track you across a room while you’re not looking like you are the most precious thing in the world to him.
I want you to be worshipped—yes, in your bed, but also in your life. I want you to have that love.”
Julia let out a shaky breath. “Oh, now you sound like Alexander Castleton.”
That brought Caroline up short. Alexander Castleton was Lord Castleton’s cousin. The one she’d already suspected Julia had an interest in even as she tried to convince herself to the altar. “Mr. Castleton was speaking to you about love?”
When Julia didn’t respond, Caroline leaned forward. “Is there…is there something between you?”
Julia drew back. “Nothing, there’s nothing between us,” she said after what felt like a hesitation that could fill the entire manor house behind them.
“Alexander doesn’t approve, he continues to make that plain.
He simply asked me about love when it came to my connection to Laurence, some way to make me question it. It was foolish.”
Caroline didn’t truly believe that was the real answer, but in this moment she could see that pressing the case would only lead to more pain for Julia and she wished to avoid that if she could.
They spoke for a little while longer, the topic changing to how Julia was managing as she tried to take over a role as mistress of the house.
And how she was being treated by the other guests.
None of her answers gave Caroline any more hope than she’d had when they began.
And she knew she’d have a great deal to tell Simone when she was finally alone and could pour her heart and soul out to the woman who felt a lifetime away, even if she was only a day’s ride back in London.
The woman she loved, but would not tell, not in this letter…perhaps not ever if there was no path to happiness for them. But at least she could admit it to herself now, and somehow that gave her comfort even as she worked to offer the same to Julia.