Chapter 14
Caroline slept far into the next day and didn’t even stir when Simone finally slipped from the chamber.
She went about her regular morning routine, but she couldn’t seem to focus as she stood at the window, sipping tea and looking out at her garden.
It was almost noon and all she could think about was the woman sleeping in her bed.
That night had been pure passion. Perhaps more passion than she’d ever felt before. How was that possible, considering the life she’d led? And how did she feel about that immutable fact?
Terrified. Simone had recognized even before Caroline departed for the countryside that she was in love with her.
Loving her and being so connected physically and emotionally was the recipe for the kind of disaster that ruined women like her.
Ruined women like Caroline, too, for far different reasons.
And yet when Caroline finally stepped into the breakfast room, looking like a dream come to life despite being a bit rumpled, Simone couldn’t worry about the ruin. She crossed to her and they kissed before Simone brushed some of her tangled locks away from her face.
“I should have sent for your maid and new clothing this morning.”
“Do I look such a fright?” Caroline laughed as she linked arms with Simone and let her lead her to the table.
“The very opposite.” Simone dropped another brief kiss to her lips and then moved to the sideboard. “I only thought you’d be more comfortable with fresh things.”
“I likely would,” Caroline agreed. “I’ll send for Violet after breakfast, though I do wonder what she’ll think of all this.” She glanced at the clock on the mantel. “Oh goodness, it’s far after breakfast.”
Simone pressed her lips together. “You earned the right to stay in bed all day after the past few weeks.”
“That sounds nice.” There was a flicker of desire that entered Caroline’s eyes and Simone shivered at the sight of it. She was going to make this woman a wanton and it was going to be glorious.
But there was something troubling her before she started down that path. It would have to be addressed. “Would you like coffee or tea?”
“I rarely have coffee, but I enjoy it immensely,” Caroline said. “I’ll have that.”
“There are some of my favorite pastries here, too, I’ll put a few on a plate.
” Simone went about doing that and when she wasn’t looking at Caroline, she said, “Do you worry your maid would talk, spread rumors? Or simply judge you for staying at my home with me, and probably very obviously in my bed?”
When Caroline was quiet, she dared to look over her shoulder and found her worrying her lip as she considered her response. Simone’s stomach dropped.
“I think she wouldn’t…understand? Though perhaps I’m assuming Violet is as much an innocent as I’ve been my whole life. She’s always been kind and discreet in all the years she’s served me. I have no reason to think she’d be anything but if she…if she saw what’s happening here.”
Simone wondered what Caroline thought that was. What did she see as “happening here”? Did Caroline care for her…not love her, Simone wasn’t so foolish as to think that. Or was this just a sexual tryst that was part of her recent awakening?
She couldn’t make herself ask and so she placed a plate and coffee before Caroline and sat down next to her. Caroline ate for a little while and they were quiet together. But when she’d finished her pastries and was almost done with her coffee, Caroline smiled at her. “You are so beautiful.”
“Flatterer,” Simone purred out of habit. She’d played this game many a time with lovers…only this didn’t feel like a game.
“No, not a flatterer,” Caroline said, and covered her hand with hers. “Though I suppose it’s not that meaningful to you, I’m sure many have told you that over the years.”
“Yes,” Simone admitted. “But none was ever so sweet.”
Pink flooded Caroline’s cheeks and her smile turned shy. She lifted one of Simone’s hands to her lips and kissed her knuckles before she said, “How—how did you end up a courtesan?”
It was a valid question, of course. And yet it felt so charged and far too revealing in this soft moment.
Simone could almost picture Caroline’s expression turning from one of desire to disgust. Of her pushing Simone away once she realized how very far from her world Simone was.
She wasn’t ready for that inevitability.
So she had to distract her. Push her back so she wouldn’t wheedle her way into dangerous corners. Passion had always been the way she’d done that with lovers before and so she leaned forward and kissed Caroline instead of answering.
“I want you back in my bed,” she whispered against her lips.
She was surprised to be disappointed when Caroline didn’t argue or resist. She just sank into Simone’s kiss and let her take her back upstairs. It was what Simone wanted.
And yet it felt like a loss as much as a gain.
Caroline had never spent day after day in bed making love. Her husband hadn’t been the kind of person to do something so frivolous and she certainly hadn’t wanted him to be. But with Simone it was the perfect pastime in the handful of days since her return to London.
There was pleasure, then soft connection, over and over.
Oh, they’d taken breaks to eat or stroll in Simone’s pretty garden.
They had long talks and read from books together.
Caroline had written to her nieces to check in on Julia and gowns had been brought by Violet, along with any of the post she needed to see.
What her servants thought, she didn’t know. When she was next to Simone, with Simone’s hair tickling her stomach, her bare back there to trace with Caroline’s fingers…she didn’t actually care one iota. Let them talk. She had this.
Well, she had most of this. Simone offered pleasure and gentle attention without hesitation. And yet whenever Caroline asked for any deeper emotional connection, like she’d danced around a few times in the quiet after orgasms and sleepy conversations, Simone erected walls.
Was that because Caroline didn’t matter to her? She waited for that fact to feel real and to sting. But it never did. It wasn’t true. The connection between them was genuine and it was powerful.
Which meant Simone did it because she was afraid. The great Simone Stanhope, what a concept. Of course, Caroline didn’t want her to be afraid. She knew it might cause the end of this as much as indifference could.
But it was something powerful to realize Simone might be afraid of what they meant to each other. That she might feel so much that it was a threat. That all the terrible things she must have been through might have forced her not to trust that something beautiful could exist for her.
Caroline blinked at tears that leapt to her eyes at that thought and leaned down to kiss Simone’s shoulder, then her spine.
Simone stirred a little and rolled over on her back to tug Caroline in for a long kiss. When she urged her down to lie across her chest, Simone whispered, “You are such a quick study in pleasure.”
“Only yours,” Caroline said as she splayed her fingers over Simone’s ribcage gently. “I have no reason to pay attention to anyone else’s.”
Simone looked down at her. In the flickering firelight Caroline could see Simone’s struggle.
How the emotions she’d become so adept at hiding or manipulating to protect herself were right there at the surface.
And they were so bright and lovely and powerful.
Caroline wanted to protect them, protect her, every day for the rest of her life.
She leaned up a little. “I want to know you, Simone.”
The emotions locked away again and Simone gave the hint of a false, sensual smile. “Oh, I think you know every inch of me.”
“Your body, yes. I’m learning that and I want to learn even more about it. But I’m talking about you. I want to know you.”
“Why?” Simone’s voice cracked a fraction and Caroline touched her cheek, hoping it was a comfort to feel that connection.
It certainly was to her. Because the time for honesty had come. At least some portion of honesty in the hopes it would open the door to the rest at some point. To a future Caroline couldn’t quite see but so wanted to chase, but only if it was hand-in-hand with this woman at her side.
“Because we’ve danced around each other for years and years. Because you have haunted my every waking moment for almost that entire time. Because you were the only thing that kept me sane when I was in the country.” She leaned up and kissed Simone gently. “Because you matter to me.”
Simone turned her face and her lip trembled for a fraction of a moment.
“Please,” Caroline whispered.
Simone snapped her attention back to her face and sat up, which forced Caroline to do the same. “If you’re so insistent in digging, perhaps it’s best. Perhaps it will be good for you, so you won’t romanticize orgasms into something else.” Simone’s breath caught. “So-so we both don’t.”
The beginning edge of rejection tore at Caroline, but she remained still. Simone would try to burn away all they shared and it would be out of her own protection. But Caroline intended to stay strong and to show Simone she deserved so much more.
“Tell me,” she said, and took her hand. “Anything you wish, but nothing you don’t. I’m here, even if you have no faith that could be true. I promise you.”
Caroline was saying the sweetest things, things Simone had once dreamed about when she still had hope for love and a future with some person who would one day value her heart above all else in the world.
But every moment still felt like her world breaking.
She loved Caroline and that feeling only increased with every moment she spent with her.
But love wasn’t safe. She couldn’t truly allow it. And this was the moment she would put a wedge between them that would end it. It was better that way because the longer she pretended Caroline could be hers, the more it would hurt them both when they were torn apart when reality prevailed.