Chapter 15
JANIE
“No,” I said. I didn’t have to think about it. There was no way. It was too ludicrous to contemplate.
Jack looked at me like he had never heard the word before. Honestly, he probably hadn’t. “Okay,” he said, like he was agreeing with me, but I knew he wasn’t. “Let’s plan it out. Tell me all the reasons why it won’t work, and we can settle them one by one. We need a battle plan, that’s all.”
He actually looked excited about it, like this was one of his special forces’ missions to rescue an asset instead of babysitting duties. Why was that so damned hot? I looked away so I could focus on what was best for Maya instead of the way his biceps bunched as he folded his arms on the bar.
“In the first place, you have a job,” I reminded him. “You’re a cowboy, remember? I’m pretty sure Adam isn’t going to let you have a seven-year-old tag along while you work cows.”
“Nah, he’d probably be fine with it, actually. He’s a single parent too, remember? Ben used to do that all the time.”
“And even if he were,” I bulldozed ahead, not letting him prove me wrong with things like facts, “Maya does not want to be chasing cows at sunrise.”
“That’s fair. I wouldn’t ask her to.”
Well. Okay, then. I’d expected him to try a little harder and not give up at the first impediment. “Good. So we agree it won’t work.”
“We absolutely agree that it won’t work to mix Maya and cowboying,” he said easily.
Too easily.
My eyes narrowed as I studied him. “You realize I’m saying no, right? Why does everything you say sound like you think I’m saying yes?”
He grinned. Smug bastard. He was so damn sure of himself. Truthfully, I envied his confidence. Sure, I was brash, but that was only because I knew the universe would put me in my place either way, so I might as well get a good hit in first. That wasn’t confidence. That was stupidity.
“I can’t be Maya’s nanny and Lodestar’s cowboy at the same time. All right. There’s a solution to that. I’ll quit Lodestar.”
He couldn’t be serious. Quitting his job to be Maya’s summer nanny? That didn’t make a lick of sense.
Or…maybe it did.
He wasn’t happy there. I knew that much. He’d hinted at it without really saying it. On paper, cowboying at Lodestar Ranch seemed like a perfect fit for him. He hadn’t shared why it wasn’t, but it was clear that something was eating at him.
“Are you having a midlife crisis there, buddy?” I asked.
I caught him mid-sip, and he sprayed beer across the bar. “Buddy?” he choked out.
“I thought it would be mean to call you soldier. Like rubbing salt in the wound or something.” I swiped the towel over the beer droplets, cleaning up the mess.
“It was still mean as hell, Ace. I’m not old enough to be having a midlife crisis. Take it back.”
“Could have fooled me with all that gray in your hair.” On impulse, I reached out and stroked his hairline at the temple, where silver strands almost outnumbered the dark brown.
I liked it. Older guys had always made my stomach flip, unfortunately.
Not that four years was much of a difference. “It suits you, though.”
The way he looked at me…It was almost a kiss, that look. I could feel the warmth of it on my lips.
I pulled my hand back and cleared my throat. “So. Tell me what’s going on at Lodestar.”
“Nothing is going on. It’s fine. They don’t need me.
There are a hundred other cowboys looking for work right now who would be more than happy to take my place.
” He rolled the beer bottle between his palms. “One cowboy is pretty much the same as any other. I’m replaceable at the ranch. But you need me. Maya needs me.”
The stark vulnerability in his eyes made me pause. Jack had always been like an impenetrable fortress. Nothing could touch him. But it struck me that this was the chink in his armor. It wasn’t enough for him to show up and get work done. He needed to be needed.
I chewed my lip, thinking. Maya wasn’t paying us any attention at all.
One hundred percent of her focus was devoted to my drawings.
She was a self-motivated kid. It would be easy to look at her entertaining herself and think babysitting her would be a walk in the park.
And mostly, it was—well, not easy, exactly, but it was fun and rewarding.
The hard days, though. The hard days were really fucking hard.
“Do you have any experience with autistic kids?” I asked dubiously.
“I don’t have experience with kids, period. Tell me what I need to know.”
I didn’t beat around the bush. “Meltdowns. Have you ever seen a toddler having a tantrum at the grocery store? It’s like that, but less crying and more outright shrieking and hitting.
There is no reasoning her out of it. It’s like she can’t hear you.
And she’s not two anymore, so the looks people will give you are horrible. ”
He looked at Maya, head tilted like he was trying to imagine such a quiet kid going apeshit, and then turned back to me. “Okay. So what do I do about it?”
“Grab her,” I said bluntly. “Use your body like a human straitjacket. Maya doesn’t like to be touched, but when she’s sick or stressed out or doesn’t feel safe, it’s exactly what she needs.
A weighted blanket will work too, but she prefers something with a heartbeat.
You will feel all kinds of wrong at first—like you’re torturing her or something—but it’s the only thing that works. She relaxes almost immediately.”
“Hand-to-hand combat.” He pointed his beer at me. “I’ve been trained for that.”
I pressed my lips together. “I don’t know if I should find that funny or terrifying.”
He stilled. “Are you worried about that?”
“Worried about what?” I asked, not following.
He stared at me for several beats, a steeliness in his watchful gaze.
His jaw popped as he finally turned away.
“Come on, Janie. I know what people say behind my back. I’m unstable.
I have PTSD. I’m going to set something on fire.
” He met my gaze head on. “I nearly strangled you in your sleep. If you’re worried I might hurt Maya, we need to talk about that. ”
That hadn’t even occurred to me. Other than those fifteen seconds—an admittedly terrifying fifteen seconds—I had never felt anything but completely safe when Jack was around, and not just because he had never threatened me with harm. I felt safe because he was around.
“Has that…has that happened with anyone else?” Shit, this was awkward. I cleared my throat. “The nightmare strangling, I mean.”
“No. But I haven’t slept next to anyone since you.”
“Oh.” My heart fluttered. He hadn’t slept with anyone since me. No, wait. He hadn’t slept next to anyone since me. That didn’t mean he hadn’t had sex. He could have had sex with a different woman every night and it wouldn’t change the truth of his statement.
His mouth quirked as he took another sip of beer. “Haven’t had sex with anyone, either. Only you.”
“I didn’t ask,” I said. But a hot flush scorched my cheeks.
“No, but you looked like you wanted to.”
I huffed and crossed my arms while my pulse beat out a quick rhythm. Only me, only me, only me.
“Well, there was this one lady,” he admitted. When I arched an eyebrow like I didn’t care, he smirked. “Batshit crazy. Gave me the best blowjob of my life in her parents’ foyer. I jacked off thinking about it last night.”
I fell forward, stumbling over nothing but air and my own horny brain imagining Jack wrap his hand around his dick and pretend it was my mouth. He reached across the bar and steadied me.
“Janie,” he said. All the humor in his eyes evaporated as we stared straight into each other’s eyes, his strong hands the only thing keeping me upright. My knees had melted clean away.
“Yeah?” I breathed.
“The only time I’ll close my eyes around Maya is to blink.” His hands flexed around my biceps. “I swear I’ll keep her safe. From everything. Even me.”
“I believe you.” I shook my head as he slowly released me and eased back on his stool.
“Honestly, it never occurred to me that you might not be safe for her. Maybe it should have. But I always feel safe with you.” I looked at Maya and then back to Jack.
“Do you have PTSD? It’s not a dealbreaker.
It’s just something I need to be aware of. ”
He snorted. “No. Sometimes I have bad dreams. Not often, but sometimes. That’s not enough to diagnose PTSD.
” He rubbed his jaw and contemplated the ceiling.
“I wonder about that sometimes, though. What kind of psycho am I to have seen the shit I’ve seen and not have PTSD about it?
But the truth is, it’s not as common as you would think, considering how prevalent it is in movies and fiction.
It takes a special kind of resiliency to get through combat dive training, and that same resiliency tends to protect us from PTSD, too, I guess.
” He shrugged. “I see a therapist, but that’s to help me deal with the transition to civilian life. It’s not because of trauma.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “I trust you, Jack.”
His throat bobbed as he swallowed hard. “Thank you.”
“But what are you going to do with a seven-year-old girl all day?” I pushed. “You’re going to be so bored.”
He chuckled. “I’m not going to be bored. We’ll hunt amphibians. Does Maya ride? If she’s up for it, we can go trail riding. Or the library. Maya strikes me as a library kid.” His eyes cut to her and his lips tilted in a smile. “I could ask her what she wants to do. I bet she’ll tell me.”
“She will,” I agreed. I exhaled slowly and rolled my shoulders, feeling a tiny bit of tension ease.
Maybe this could really work. “She does best on a schedule. She hates change, unless she’s the one leading it.
We should do a practice day so you two can get to know each other better.
Maybe Saturday? At my parents’ house, we—”
Shit.
How could I have forgotten? I pinched the bridge of my nose.
“What?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”
“We spend the night a couple times a week at my parents’ house. Any time I have to close the bar. That way I don’t have to get her up in the middle of the night and bring her home.”
He tucked his tongue into his cheek as he studied me, amusement and something else—something hotter—dancing in his eyes. “So you’re saying this is a live-in manny position?”
I groaned. “That’s what would make the most sense, yes.”
He was outright grinning now. “Sure, Ace. I’ll move in with you.” He dropped his head, a deep chuckle making his shoulders shake. “To be honest, my mom would be thrilled to get me out of her hair for the summer. I’m driving her nuts.”
I stared at him, trying to make sense of how everything had unfolded. Nothing had ever just…worked out for me. I didn’t trust it. “I can’t believe this is happening. It’s so weird.”
“It’s good. Fuck Todd, and fuck anyone who says you need to apologize when some dickweed invites himself into your space.
” His jaw ticked again, but then his body twitched like he was physically shaking off the bad vibes.
He swallowed the last of his beer and pushed to his feet.
“I’ll pick Maya up from school tomorrow, okay?
We’ll talk more then and take it from there. ”
“Okay,” I said, still perplexed.
He paused by Maya on the way out the door. “Is it okay with you if I pick you up from school tomorrow?”
She looked up. “Can we get pie again?”
He looked at me. I nodded. “Sure,” he said.
“Okay.”
“Okay.” He rapped his knuckles on the wood next to my sketchpad. “See you then.”
And I watched my childhood crush turned one-night stand turned manny walk out the door.
What the hell just happened.