Chapter 18 #2
His lips quirked. “I know you didn’t. So ask your question. You want to know why I call you Ace?”
I stopped chewing. The weight of his gaze made my whole body hum. The intensity of his eyes as he leaned closer. He wanted me to ask. He wanted to tell me.
And I wanted to know. So damn badly. But it would shift something between us. Even not knowing his reason, I knew that much. It wouldn’t be a secret if it didn’t mean something.
The question was there, on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed it down. I didn’t want my world shifting beneath me. I needed solid ground.
“Tell me about the turtle,” I said.
The look he gave me was part disappointment, part resignation. His head tilted. “What turtle?”
“I don’t know what turtle. That’s why it’s a secret.” I took another mouthful of chocolate chips and washed them down with tea. “It’s what you said that night, when you were having a nightmare. Turtle.”
“Hmm.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. If he lied to me right now, would I even know the difference? “Don’t fuck with me, soldier. I’ll know.” No, I wouldn’t. I never knew. That was the problem.
“I wouldn’t fuck with you. Not like that, anyway.” His gaze dragged over me, making me wish he would fuck with me a different way. God, being a responsible mom really took the fun out of it sometimes.
I pretended I couldn’t feel the flush in my cheeks. “You’re stalling.”
“Yeah.” He exhaled roughly and hunched over his mug, frowning into it. “I’ve never told this story to anyone. I don’t know why. It’s not even bad. I’ve seen way worse. Hell, I’ve done worse. But somehow, this is the thing that sticks with me. A fucking turtle.”
“You don’t have to tell me. It’s just a game.” I pushed to my feet. “It’s fine.”
“Sit your ass down. Of course I’m going to tell you. I want to.”
I slowly sank onto my chair again, my eyes never leaving his. “Okay.”
“I have to be vague with the specifics. It’s all still classified.
” I nodded. He tipped his head back and contemplated the ceiling like the story was painted there.
“We were in…” He rolled his lips. “A country that has turtles. One of our guys had been captured and was being held as a spy. They were absolutely going to torture him. But their government and ours came to an agreement. They would release him and in exchange we would take care of a problem for them.”
“A…problem?” My forehead furrowed. “You mean…a person? An assassination?”
His chin dipped. “I had my orders. I was fine with it. This problem—he was a really big problem, Janie. He was a monster. The world is a better place without him in it.”
“I understand,” I said, and I did. I felt a little sick about it, but I understood.
“He always had bodyguards around him. There was never an easy shot. I tracked every move he made for weeks and it never lined up. And then one day he was out walking with his granddaughter. Both surrounded by bodyguards. No clear shot. There was a turtle in the road. And he…he did the stupidest fucking thing, Janie. He made his guards stop traffic. He ran out into the street and grabbed it, brought it safely to the other side. His granddaughter was clapping for him. He was laughing and smiling as he rescued the fucking turtle. And I put a bullet in his brain.”
I didn’t know what to say. Words all sounded trite in my head, every last one of them. I stretched across the table, tentatively sliding my hand next to his. His fingers flexed at the contact, and then his pinky wrapped over mine.
“I’m not sorry about it. Our guy came home, and a monster was put down. But I think about it a lot.”
“Because no one is pure evil? It would be easier to do that job if you could believe there was nothing good in the people you had to…” I cleared my throat. “Um, take care of?”
“He literally skinned a man alive once. I don’t care if he rescued the last sea turtle from extinction, he needed to die,” Jack said bluntly.
“It’s not that all monsters still have a shred of humanity in them.
What bothers me is that only humans can be monsters.
No other species would help a turtle across the road, but no other species would do the shit we do to each other.
Other animals are just trying to survive, but that’s not good enough for us.
We make depravity a fucking hobby. That… I don’t know. It eats at me.”
It wasn’t just our pinkies now. Somehow both our hands were tangled up together.
“Jack.” I stared at our hands. “This probably won’t make you feel better, but have you heard about dolphins?”
He gave me a blank look. “Dolphins?”
“Yeah.” I nodded vigorously. “They’re fucking psychos.”
“But I love dolphins.”
I swallowed hard. “Oh. Then, yeah, that definitely won’t make you feel better. Sorry. Don’t do an internet search, okay?” I heaved a sigh and shoved another small palmful of chocolate chips in my mouth. “God, I’m sorry. You wanted a fun game and I bummed you out, didn’t I?”
His shoulders twitched in a half-hearted shrug. “I’m all right.”
I stopped eating my feelings and studied him. “You’re not sad?”
“About the dolphins? I’m going to pretend you never said anything.
About the other stuff…” He shrugged again.
“Not so much. It felt good to talk about it. Like an itch deep in my skull finally got scratched.” His thumb rubbed over my knuckles and I realized we were holding hands again. “Was it hard for you to hear about it?”
“Well…yeah. But that’s okay. I don’t mind hearing hard things or ugly things.
At least it’s honest. You had to live those experiences.
It’s who you are. If you want to talk about it, then I want to hear about it.
I don’t mind getting a little heavy so you can feel lighter. That’s what friends are for, right?”
His eyes were dark and fathomless as they met mine and held for a long, quiet moment. “Right. Friends.”
Why did it feel so disappointing that he agreed with me?