Chapter 22 #4
Enrique chimes in before giving his wife a smacking kiss on the lips.
Again, how demonstrative this family is surprises me.
I’m unprepared for how incredibly normal they are.
I can only nod along as I try to keep up with everything when I feel like I’m drowning.
Luciana’s observed me the entire time and takes pity on me.
“Why don’t we all find our seats? I’m starving, and I know it’s been at least ten minutes since my ninos have eaten, so they’ll be getting cranky soon. Madeline will deal with Javier, but I’ll be stuck with these two whining about needing a snack if this is going to take much longer.”
I chuckle, but I feel entirely out of my element right now as this petite woman makes fun of her three sons who tower over her as though she’s a pea on a mountain. They turn their resting bitch face to her, and I now understand what Madeline meant.
I suspect a lifetime of projecting menace has made them unaware of how they might come across to other people. It’s not that they intend to be this way; it’s just what happens. I follow Pablo’s lead and take a seat at the table between him and Luciana.
I wonder if she is being a bit over the top in her welcome to make a point that she accepts me.
It’s not until we strike up a conversation with her asking me about what I like to do for pastimes that I feel she genuinely has an interest in what I’m saying.
She’s attentive during the entire conversation, and it puts me more at ease than I imagined.
It’s not long before I hesitantly join in with other conversations swirling around the table.
By the end of the first course, I realize I haven’t gone up in smoke like I feared.
However, as I observe the couples, I pay surreptitious attention to Javier and Madeline since they’re the newest couple in the family.
I wonder if Pablo and I look as at ease with each other as they do.
I hope so.
It’s a family-style dinner, and it surprises me when I realize Pablo and I already know so much about each other’s preferences that we can serve each other.
I know that doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone at the table, but they all take it in stride.
I noticed because all the couples do that for each other.
Then I see Luciana offering her sons Joaquin and Jorge food, and they do the same for her.
It jackhammers home that she’s the only woman at the table who doesn’t have a partner.
And that makes me feel like shit all over again because it’s my family’s fault she’s on her own.
“Chiquita?”
Pablo’s voice is soft beside my ear. His hand rests on my thigh as I look up at him. I nod, too choked up to say anything. He simply nods to me, and I know he understands. I’m not ready to talk about how I feel.
By dessert, some of my discomfort eases, but it’s not gone entirely before Pablo and I climb back into the town car. For the second time tonight, I burst into tears.
What is wrong with me?
For a moment, I think the answer to my unspoken question is that I might be pregnant, but it’s far too soon to tell.
I discovered during the meal that Madeline and Margherita are both midwives.
It made me wonder if they could tell something about me I couldn’t.
I don’t believe I’m pregnant, but Pablo and I know there’s always the possibility.
Pablo lifts me onto his lap and wraps his arms around me. I sag against him.
“You did so well tonight, little one. I know it must’ve been incredibly frightening for you to face so many new people. With our families’ history, it only made it harder. But I hope you know the welcome you received was genuine.”
“It was hard, and I appreciate everyone’s effort to include me.
It was realizing Luciana’s the only one there without her partner that upset me.
All the other couples were joking around and just serving each other without giving it a second thought.
Instead of having her husband do that, she had her sons.
It was super sweet, but it reminded me yet again of all your family’s lost because of mine. ”
Pablo strokes my hair as he kisses my temple.
“Chiquita, I’m grateful you’re aware of these things and that it moves you.
However, the only person feeling any blame right now is you.
I know my family as well as they know me.
There’s nothing we can hide from each other.
We’ve spent our entire lives relying on each other.
We can read each other’s thoughts in silence because we’re often in situations where we can’t openly discuss things.
If I believed anybody begrudged your being there—being with me—I would’ve found an excuse for us to leave early. ”
“I know all of that, Pablo. I hope you don’t feel you have to keep reassuring me of these things.
My guilt isn’t as easily assuaged as I’d like it to be.
Hopefully, it will go away with time. It’s just with so much unresolved and more problems for your family to deal with than usual, it’s hard not to remember I’m still an outsider. ”
Pablo merely tightens his embrace. I know he doesn’t want to argue with me or invalidate my feelings. I’m glad he remains quiet because I don’t want him to feel like he must offer me platitudes. We’re quiet for ten minutes. The companionable silence is a reprieve after all the noise from dinner.
“Chiquita, I have to go to Atlantic City tomorrow for a meeting with some developers. It’ll take all day because I have to go around the resort site. We’ve recently purchased a property, and we’re completely renovating it. We’re practically taking it down to the studs.”
What he’s not saying is that it’ll be the longest we’ve been apart since leaving my apartment the first time.
“Is there anything you want to do tomorrow? I don’t want you to feel imprisoned at the condo. I can arrange for guards to accompany you anywhere you want to go.”
It tempts me to remain holed up in the condo, but I don’t want to spend my life waiting for Pablo to come home.
“I’d like to—”
I release a sigh because I know what I should do, but it no longer feels as appealing as it did when I thought of it. I try again with some false bravado.
“I think I should start looking at apartment listings.”
It’s only for a second, but Pablo’s entire body tenses. I know he hoped I’d changed my mind about that and that I would make the condo my permanent home.
“Do you want Tía Luciana or Tía Catalina’s help? Tía Luciana is in commercial real estate, but Tía Catalina is in residential. Between the two of them and their connections, they’re bound to help you find a place you’ll like.”
“That would be really sweet.”
I hope he sees it’s a sign of good faith and that his tías will see it the same way. We are quiet the rest of the way back to the condo, and I fear I’ve ruined the entire evening, not because I cried twice, but because I want to move out.