Chapter 5 #2
“No,” Josie lied. “Just means I wasn’t expecting you. Where’s Daddy?”
Deborah settled back in her chair. “He’s gone to the hospital to visit a couple that just lost their baby. I just didn’t have the heart for it today.”
It was undoubtedly an anniversary of one of the many miscarriages her mother had suffered over the years.
Out of desperation, they’d adopted Josie from a Ukrainian orphanage when she was barely a year old.
That hadn’t stopped them from trying desperately over the years for a biological child.
And Deborah still grieved for every one that she’d lost.
“I’m sorry. I know those are difficult for you,” Josie finally said. “Have you eaten dinner?”
Deborah shook her head. “No. But I’ll wait.
I have something in the Crock-Pot at home for your father.
It’ll be better if I eat with him later.
He’s very worried about you, Josie. You missed church last week, and you missed choir practice last night.
We could have used you there. You know Mildred plays the piano like she has hammers for hands. ”
“Mom, I told you and Daddy that I couldn’t continue playing piano for the choir,” Josie began. “With work and taking care of the house, I just don’t have time.”
“Do you have time to go to bars in Cincinnati?” Deborah asked pointedly.
So that’s what it was all about. Dropping her bag onto the floor, Josie settled into one of the other chairs and stared balefully at her mother.
“This is why I moved out. You and Daddy don’t get to monitor or control everywhere I go and everything I do.”
“Or everyone you’re doing it with. Doris informed me that you and Carter Hayes looked very cozy at the library this afternoon.”
She hated Fontaine. She fucking hated it, and in that moment, she wasn’t overly appreciative of her parents, either. Yes, she loved them. Yes, they’d given her so many opportunities. But she was an adult, and it was her life. She had to be able to make her own decisions.
“Carter came in looking for a book, and I helped him with it. If Doris wants to make more of it than that, it’s on her.”
Deborah straightened the hem of her skirt, smoothing it with her fingertips.
“I’m not unsympathetic, Josie. He’s a handsome man…
ridiculously so. A boy like that could turn any woman’s head.
And if you want to have your fun with him, well, there’s nothing I can do to stop you.
But I’d strongly advise you against letting your heart get involved.
That boy is just like his daddy, and he’ll never settle down with one woman. Blood tells, Josie.”
Josie knew the story. Everyone in town knew the story.
Carter’s mother and father had never married because, on the eve of their wedding, she’d caught him with her best friend—the woman who’d been her maid of honor.
And Carter’s father had flitted in and out of his life but never settled, never stuck around when Carter needed him.
Eventually, he’d been killed in another town, in a drunken brawl that he’d probably started.
And according to everyone in town, Carter was just like him.
She resented her mother for putting that on him.
Those words cut to the quick, hitting her harder than Josie wanted to admit. But it was there, hanging between them. She’d never tell Deborah that she wasn’t her real mother. She was. In every way that could matter, she was, except for one.
“If he’s just like his daddy…Does that make me just like my biological parents? A terrified teenager and the soldier who raped her? What story is my blood telling?”
Deborah frowned. “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just an expression, and I shouldn’t have said it. No, it isn’t just biology. The way you’re raised has a lot to do with it.”
“If that’s the case, then there’s no issue. Because Carter was never around his father, was he? You can’t have it both ways, Mom.”
Deborah rose. “I think I’ll walk home. Clearly, this conversation is not going the way I intended…
and I don’t doubt that you’ve made other plans about where you’re spending your evening.
I trust you’ll be discreet, Josephine. I don’t need to tell you how the congregation would respond to the news that the pastor’s daughter is cavorting with such a man. ”
“Do you even see me?” Josie asked.
“You’re being melodramatic, Josephine. It’s my fault for slapping such a name on you! Of course, I see you! What on earth kind of question is that?” Deborah demanded as she gathered her purse.
A valid one. For so many years, she’d wondered if they adopted her because they really wanted her or if adopting a poor, unfortunate orphan from a war-torn country was just part of their overall package, like the mission trips to Haiti or feeding the homeless.
She didn’t feel like their daughter as much as she felt like a public work, an act of charity committed for the world to see.
If she said that, if she spoke those hateful words out loud, there’d be no taking them back. “Never mind. I’ll be in church this Sunday. But I’m still not coming back to the choir. Daddy will just have to accept that.”
Deborah nodded. “And Carter Hayes?”
“Some things are just my business and mine alone.” Josie’s tone was stiff, and the words firmer than she’d intended them to be.
It wasn’t her mother who’d hurt her feelings. It was all her own doubts and fears creeping in, making her question her place in the world, making her question whether or not she really belonged there…or if she deserved the life that they’d given her.
Deborah’s answering sigh echoed throughout the room.
“Your father doesn’t know about this. I don’t intend to tell him.
It isn’t just that I don’t approve of Carter.
Certainly, he’s made choices that are questionable, but many people have.
You’re my baby, Josie. The only one I’ll ever have.
I don’t want to see you get your heart broken. ”
“I’m a big girl. I can handle it.” Josie watched Deborah leave, the tension still high between them. When the door closed, she exhaled loudly. “I hope.”
A glance at the clock showed her she didn’t have much time.
She’d told Carter she’d be there at seven, even though her heart wasn’t really in it anymore.
She felt hollowed out and miserable after the confrontation with her mother.
Guilty. Her choices were letting them down, reflecting poorly on them. It was ridiculous.
Going upstairs, she changed quickly. There would be no naughty dress and killer heels. She donned a pair of frayed jeans and a University of Kentucky sweatshirt. If that wasn’t hot enough for him, then he could just go to hell, she thought angrily. It wasn’t even him she was pissed at.
“Get it together, Josie,” she whispered softly. “Do not fuck this up. Right now, he’s the only form of stress relief you have…and god, is he good at it.”
Even as she said it, she felt like a horrible person. She was using him. She could see there was so much more to Carter Hayes than the fact that he had an amazing body and a mad set of skills to go with it.
In spite of his reputation, in spite of his admitted sleeping around, he was a good person.
He didn’t lie or cheat. He didn’t say anything he didn’t mean, and he never made a promise he didn’t keep.
Of course, that was easy enough to do when he simply avoided making promises altogether.
Still, there was something to be said for that.
He had his own sense of honor, his own code, and he followed it to the letter.
Meanwhile, she was a huge hypocrite, pretending to be the good Christian girl her parents raised and slipping around with him at night.
Ignoring her attack of conscience, Josie grabbed her phone and keys and headed out the door. Some temptations were too great to resist. She’d make peace with her hypocrisy at some point. Until then, she just planned to keep herself distracted.