Chapter Thirteen
Kytten
TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains a graphic representation of self-harm and cutting. If you suffer from any triggers, PLEASE, PLEASE, take extreme caution before reading this chapter. Your mental health is more important to me than my fictional story.
It was already happening. She would ruin my life simply by existing. I knew something was up when he kept calling me Kytten. I had never hated the name more than when I heard it from his lips.
But I still came up here. I rode up early because I wanted to get myself under control before he got here. I didn’t expect him to already be here. And I didn’t expect him to say her name. I knew he knew her. Of course he did. She lived in his clubhouse.
Had he slept with her?
I couldn’t think about that. That would wake up the monsters. I couldn’t deal with him and them at the same time.
“Give me my key!”
“No. Answer my fucking question.”
“What does it matter?” I yelled.
“King won’t let her leave with you,” he said, and I wondered if that was an excuse. Was he the one who didn’t want her to leave?
“She is an adult and can make her own fucking choices.”
“So, she is why you’re here.” It wasn’t a question. More a resignation.
“I can’t tell you why I’m here,” I lied. It wouldn’t matter if I told him. I just didn’t want to. She was already taking Val away from me. I didn’t want her taking him away, too. Not that I had him.
Except in my mind.
“She isn’t leaving.” He turned and walked back up the hill. I followed behind him.
“I need my key.”
“No.”
UGH! What the fuck?
“Cash, I can’t ride without my key.”
“Sure you can,” he said, grabbing my helmet as he walked past my bike. His leg swung over his seat and he sat staring at me, holding my helmet on his leg.
“No.”
“Get on the bike, Kytten.”
“Stop calling me that,” I whispered.
I didn’t think he heard me until he asked, “Why? Isn’t that your name?”
I scratched at my leg. The monsters were waking up. I had to get away from him. Walking over, I took my helmet from his hand, then I walked back to my bike.
“Rose.” His voice was softer. When I looked back at him, his hand was out. “Take a ride with me.”
“Where?” I couldn’t go to the clubhouse. Not yet. Val asked me to make contact with Amber, but I wasn’t ready.
“Just a ride. When we get back, I’ll give you the key.”
I debated my options. Was he lying? Would he take me to the clubhouse, stand me in front of his president, and force me to admit why I was there? Could I trust him? I wanted to. But trust didn’t come easy. Not to someone like me.
“Fine,” I grumbled before staring at his hand. “I know how to get on a bike.”
“Humor me.” He was watching me again. Searching for something, though I didn’t know what. I put my helmet on my head and when I grabbed his hand, I felt it again. The same streak of electricity I felt at the bakery. I faltered getting on the bike, and he chuckled.
I was thankful for the face mask. I just knew the heat on my face would be evidence of the blush I felt. Cash made me feel things I had never felt before.
I wasn’t a virgin. I’d been having sex since I was sixteen. Val hadn’t been happy with that. She wanted me to wait longer. She said at sixteen, girls didn’t know any better.
When I reminded her she had Amber when she was sixteen, she said, ‘my point exactly.’
I guess I could see her point. But the man she was sleeping with was the love of her life. I wasn’t looking for love. I was looking for gratification.
Keep telling yourself that.
He grabbed my knees and pulled me against him. Taking my hands, he wrapped my arms around his waist. And when my fingers played over his abs, he stiffened.
I pulled back, and he pressed his hands against mine, holding them in place. “Hold on, Rosie.”
So I did.
I held on tight.
With my head against his shoulder, I wished I didn’t have my helmet on. I wanted to feel him against my cheek. Wanted to inhale his rich scent.
I wanted him.
And I wanted him to want me.
We rode down the mountain. Cash avoided the branches that stuck out, weaving slightly so they didn’t stick us. The desire to swing my hand out and catch the prickers against my skin was so strong that the monsters stirred again.
The monsters saved me all those years ago. They held back the emotions. The fear, the anger, the desperation. But they had a price. They didn’t do it for free.
That price cost me.
We spent hours on his bike, just riding. When his hand reached for my leg, I froze. I sat up away from his back and I swear I heard him sigh before he pulled his hand away.
Why would he do that?
That meant something. Hell, just being on the back of his bike meant something. But then, not all men who rode felt this seat was sacred. Not even all men in clubs felt that way.
Was Cash one of those men? Did he feel like the seat behind him was reserved for his old lady, or just any willing pussy he could get on his bike?
I knew the moment we headed back. The air around us changed. It felt stale. Thick and choking. Maybe it was just me. I scratched at my leg. I could feel the monsters stirring like tiny little worms under my skin.
“You ok?” he asked.
I looked at my leg and the hand that scratched absently. Was I ok?
“I’m good,” I lied. I wasn’t good. The monsters were waking up. I had to get back to my room. I couldn’t let them scream until I was alone.
At the top of the mountain, I scurried off the bike and held out my hand.
Cash ignored it and swung his leg over the bike. Standing in front of me, he lifted my helmet. I dropped my head, looking at the ground. I couldn’t let him see the monsters.
“Rosie, look at me.”
I shook my head. My hands went to the pockets of my jeans, and I kicked at the ground. “I need my key. You said if I went for a ride, you would give me my key.”
His hand went to my throat, his thumb tilting my chin up, and I looked to the side. The top of my head barely reached his shoulder.
“What are you hiding, Rosie?”
My eyes snapped to his. “I’m not hiding anything.”
God, I couldn’t stop lying to him. I was hiding everything. Who I was, why I was there. What I felt. There was nothing about me that was honest. But no one ever saw it.
Not until him.
His hand moved to the back of my head, and he leaned over me. I told myself he wanted to look at me eye to eye. But when he leaned in and his lips brushed mine, I gasped.
Cash took advantage of my surprise and deepened the kiss. He held me in place, preventing me from backing up. Not that I wanted to. I had never been kissed like this before.
I felt him. All of him. His fear, his anger, his desperation. It was all there in that one kiss. His lips fused over mine. His tongue explored my mouth like he was starving. Searching for something that had been missing.
He ended the kiss and pulled away. His eyes darted between mine, confusion evident in their depths, and something that looked like guilt. Then suddenly, resignation.
He stepped back and dug into his pocket, producing my key. He grabbed my hand and placed it in my palm, folding my fingers over it, making sure I didn’t drop it.
He let me walk away. Didn’t try to stop me or hold me there. He didn’t want me. He didn’t feel what I felt in that kiss.
Or maybe he did.
Maybe he felt everything, but it was too much.
Did he see the monsters inside me?
Did they cry out to him, begging him to walk away? To leave their prize alone. They wouldn’t share. They never did.
I gave him one last look. His face a blank mask to whatever he was feeling. Without a word, I went to my bike. The monsters had woken, and I had to hurry. I put on my helmet and climbed on.
With the turn of the key, the bike roared. It was nothing compared to the roar inside my head. They were screaming. They wanted out. And they wouldn’t wait for long.
When I was out of sight, I removed my helmet and hung it on the handlebars. Riding as close to the edge as I could, letting the branches rip into my skin, hoping to appease them until I got back to the motel.
Closing my eyes, I let them have me for just a moment before I opened them again, so I didn’t crash. I wasn’t suicidal. Dying meant leaving Thorne out there alone. And I would never do that.
I just needed to feel... something.
But the monsters kept them back. They wouldn’t let me feel without their compensation. They required a sacrifice.
I was the sacrifice.
My blood was the cost of my emotions. The price I paid to feel what others took for granted. It was my penance.
Back at the motel, I quickly stripped. Grabbing my knife—Thorne’s knife—I turned the water on hot. The cut wouldn’t be enough. Not with everything that happened today.
I sat on the floor of the tub. My legs stretched out in front of me. Running my fingers over the scars, I closed my eyes. Praying they would be satisfied but accepting they never would be.
My hand slipped to the outside of my leg, close to my hip. There was space there. Smooth skin yet to be marred by my shame. My constant need to feel.
Staring at the blade, I ran my finger over the sharp edge. The thin line of crimson that appeared wasn’t enough. The sting from the water on the open wound wasn’t enough.
It was never enough.
It was only a balm. A temporary reprieve. It didn’t heal. There was no healing the circumstances that led me to that first cut.
I ran down the stairs, a smile on my face. It was my fifteenth birthday. My fourth birthday with Val and the Nyght Nymphs. I was excited to see what they had done this year.
When I reached the bottom of the stairs, everything was quiet. They were hiding, and my smile grew. I just knew that at any minute, they would all jump out and yell surprise.
But as I looked around, I didn’t see any balloons. No streamers. No presents. I searched the house and no one was here.
Where did everyone go?
The front door opened, and Syrena walked in. Her eyes landed on me and guilt covered her features.
“Oh shit, Kytten. I’m sorry. I wanted to be back before you woke up.”
“Where is everyone?” At least someone remembered.
“They found her,” Syrena whispered as she set the grocery bags on the counter.
“Found who?”
“Val’s daughter.”
I swallowed as I stared at Syrena, not really understanding the magnitude of her words.
“Where’s Val?”
“Louisiana.”
“Why?” I asked, confused.
“Didn’t you hear me? They found her daughter.” Syrena didn’t look at me when she spoke. She was putting the groceries away as if it were just a regular day.
Did they forget about my birthday?
Val found her daughter and forgot about me.
“Kytten? Are you ok?”
My eyes snapped to Syrena, and I plastered a smile on my face. “Of course. I’m so happy Val found her daughter.”
That was the first time I lied to one of the women who had become my family. The first time I had pushed my feelings down.
I was happy for Val. Truly, I was. I was glad she found her daughter; I just didn’t want her to forget about me in the process.
“Here, put this in the fridge.” Syrena handed me the glass bottle. When she let go, it slipped through my fingers, crashing to the floor.
“KYTTEN!” Syrena rushed over and pulled me back. “Sit down, honey.” When she grabbed the broom to clean up the mess, I ran back up to my room.
I sat on my bed and pulled the leg of my pajamas up to my knee. There, embedded in my shin, was a small piece of glass. As I silently watched the blood trickle down my leg, a scream tore through my mind.