Chapter Twenty-Six
Cash
I studied the cut hanging in my closet. I had read Rachel’s letter over and over the last few days. Mulling over her words every day.
How did she know?
Was I ready to offer it to Rose? I didn’t believe in coincidences. Didn’t believe that Rose showed up here by chance. Blade still wasn’t speaking to me. I talked to Beck, though. She surprised me with her support.
She’d shut herself down when she believed Blade was dead. I expected her to think I should do the same. Instead, she told me what she did wasn’t healthy. She explained that it worked out for her only because Blade wasn’t really dead.
Rachel was gone. She wasn’t coming back. Ryder had signed the paperwork, allowing her organs to be donated.
I understood now why Rachel left him as her next of kin. I wouldn’t have made the same decision. Would have let her be buried with everything still inside her. It would have been the wrong decision. Rachel was a giver. Letting her help others live would have been the only decision to make.
But in my hurt and anger, I couldn’t do it. And she knew that. She would have hated me for not following through with what she wanted.
I needed to talk to her. I grabbed my cut and jogged through the clubhouse out to my bike. I had an appointment with Haizley today, but I wanted to talk to Rachel first.
I pulled up at the cemetery and made my way to her grave. It didn’t get easier. Seeing her name carved into the granite headstone stole my breath.
“Hey, babe,” I started. I didn’t look around, but the idea was in my head that Rose might be hiding behind a tomb listening again. It was ok if she was. She probably needed to hear this, too.
“I met someone.” I rubbed the back of my neck. I was so fucking nervous, which didn’t make sense. She was gone. She couldn’t hear me. I told myself what I did with my life after she died didn’t matter to her because she wasn’t fucking here.
But here I was. Wanting to tell her all about Rose. Wanting to get her blessing. “I never expected to meet someone else. Especially this soon. But you knew, didn’t you?”
I crouched down, swiping away the debris that had blown over her grave. Rachel was a stickler for order.
“She reminds me of you. She doesn’t put up with my shit.” A smile curled the corner of my mouth as I thought about Rose. She had no problem telling me no.
“God, I miss you, Rach. I know you’re never coming back. I know you told me to be open to meeting her. But I still feel so fucking guilty.”
Inhaling deeply, I could smell the flowers blooming on the edge of the property.
“I’m working on it, though. I don’t know if you remember Haizley Walker? She was two years ahead of you and Beck. She remembered you, though. Everyone remembers you, babe.”
I shook my head. “Anyway. She’s a therapist. And Gunner’s old lady. Can you believe that shit? Gunner claimed an old lady.”
I sat down, my back against her headstone.
“I didn’t handle things all that well when you left me. King ordered me to talk to Haizley and get my head on straight. Well, she pissed me off one day and I stormed out. Rode up the mountain so I could feel you. Remember how you used to drag me up there?”
I closed my eyes against the emotions that wanted to seep out.
“Well, when I got up there, she was there. I thought she was a kid and, of course, I stuck my foot in my mouth and she called me a boomer. You believe that? Yea, I know what you’re thinking. You always said I wasn’t as old as I acted.”
I pulled my knees up and rested my arms across them as I looked out over the cemetery.
“Anyway, I kept going up there, and I kept running into her. The more I saw her, the more she burrowed under my skin. I think maybe I went up there looking for her after that first time. Her name is Rose. She’s got pink hair; can you believe that?”
I laughed out loud at the response I knew Rachel would have. She would have accused me of trying to pull one over on her, knowing I wasn’t a fan of bringing attention to yourself.
“There’s just something about her. She makes me feel, Rach.
Everything. I’m sorry, baby, that you think I didn’t love you enough.
I loved you so fucking much. You were everything.
But I think I held back because you were holding back.
Now, before you kick my ass, I’m not trying to make excuses.
I just... after reading your letter and talking to Haizley.
I think maybe I sensed something that I couldn’t name.
Something from when I was growing up that I hadn’t realized hit me the way that it did. ”
I rubbed my hands over my face. Stalling before I told her the rest. Something I hadn’t voiced out loud yet.
“It bothered me that my parents didn’t believe me when I said nothing changed when I found out I was adopted. It was true. They were the only parents I needed and not giving birth to me didn’t change a damn thing about the way I felt about them.
“I think the world of them, and those fucking shrinks convinced them that I couldn’t love them the way a child they shared DNA with could.”
I slammed my head against the headstone.
“It’s why I had such a hard time with your relationship with Ryder.
I believed you, baby. But I felt like I had to be an asshole about it, so you knew I loved you.
I convinced myself that if I didn’t act like a jealous ass, you wouldn’t believe me when I said I loved you. Guess it didn’t work, huh?”
I blew out a frustrated breath. “Maybe if Haizley had come along sooner, she could have taught me a thing or two and you would have trusted me with your secret. I don’t blame you.
I did at first. Blamed Ryder too. Threatened to kill him.
Only I meant it that time. I was in a bad place, so get off my ass,” I snapped.
“I fixed things with him. We’ll never be BFFs like you and him.
But I don’t want to rip his head off every time I see him.
I’d say that’s progress. Rose and I had dinner with him and Ellie and the girls.
I don’t want you to be jealous, baby, but Tabby climbed right up into her lap.
I think she recognized something in Rose. Something familiar.”
I ran my fingertips over her name. “I love you, Rachel. You’ll always hold a piece of my heart. But I’m gonna do what you asked and I’m gonna give Rosie the rest. And yes, I’ll give her your cut. Don’t know why I can’t buy her a new one. But if that’s what you want, I’ll do it.”
I swiped the tears away. “I’ll never forget you, baby. When she’s ready, I’ll bring her by so you can meet her.”
I stood up and brushed the dirt and grass off my ass. I turned around and froze.
“How long have you been standing there?” I asked.
Blade looked away. “Since boomer,” he said, voice tight. His jaw ticked as his hands went into his pockets.
I nodded. He’d basically heard everything. I’d known Blade a long time, now. Longer than I’d known Rachel and Ryder. Ryder was Rachel’s best friend, and it was only fair I spoke to him first. Rose was right. He didn’t deserve to be blindsided.
But I’d forgotten about Blade. He was Rachel’s friend, too. But he was my brother. I owed him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you. I should have.”
He nodded, but didn’t look at me. Just continued to stare out across the cemetery.
“I didn’t know you were adopted.”
Ok, not where I thought this would go.
“No one does. I never told Rach. I don’t even think King knows. Nav probably does.” I shrugged as if it was nothing. Because it truly was nothing. It didn’t change who I was, who my mom and dad were. It was just a line in my past.
A footnote.
“Sometimes I wish I had been adopted,” he said.
“Then how would you call King on his bullshit?”
He smiled at that. “Yea.” He finally turned his eyes to me. “I’m not pissed that you met someone. I’m not even really mad that it’s so soon. This life is different. Despite us getting out of the shit in Little Rock, we still live every day as if it’s our last. But you should have come to me.”
“I know,” I said, my eyes on my boots.
“I don’t think you fucking do. She was my friend. My little sister.”
My head shook up and down as I silently agreed with him.
“I know this doesn’t make it right. But I don’t think of you as Rachel’s friend. You’re my brother, Blade. Just like King. Just like Jack and Gunner. All the guys from Arkansas. You were my brother before Rachel was my old lady. You’re in a different category.”
His head leaned to the side as he considered my words. “And Ryder’s not?”
“No,” I said quickly, shaking my head for emphasis. “Ryder’s only been a brother for a few months. You’ve been my brother for years.”
He blew out a breath. “I guess that makes sense.”
I studied his face. “Did you come out here to fucking tattle on me?”
The side of his mouth curled up before his head dropped and I couldn’t see his face.
“I can’t fucking believe this shit.” I walked over to him and punched him in the arm.
“I wasn’t tattling. I was venting.”
“Same fucking thing. You came out here to complain to Rachel. About me!” I said, slapping my hand against my chest. “Complain to your own fucking old lady.”
“Can’t, she wouldn’t let me. She told me to grow up and get over it.”
I threw my head back and laughed. That was Beck. She didn’t put up with anybody’s bullshit.
“Rachel always listened,” he quietly spoke.
“Yea, she did. She always let you get it all out before she told you to grow up and stop being a baby.”
“I miss her. I come out here every so often, and I see her headstone next to mine and it kills me. Every fucking time.” The heel of his hands dug into his eyes.
“I want to knock the fucking thing down but Becca won’t let me.
” He dropped his hands to his sides and exhaled.
“I just wish I could apologize to her. Every time I come here, I feel what her and Becca and Ryder must have felt. It fucking sucks what they went through thinking I was dead.”
“She understood, brother. And she didn’t hold it against you. She knew it wasn’t your choice.”
“Not coming back right away was,” he argued.
“She understood that too. Did you know she wanted to leave?”
He turned to me, his brows furrowed in confusion.
“She stayed for Ryder. And for Beck, in case she ever came back. She was the most selfless person I have ever met in my life. I didn’t deserve her. But I was fucking lucky to have her as long as I did.”