CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
CASPER
As the days passed, I fell deeper into the dark pit that threatened to swallow me whole. Lying in that hospital bed, feeling like a failure, all I could think about was what happened to Luna.
Over and over again, I saw it play out in my mind. Watching Jace hit her before pinning her beneath him. Climbing on top of her while he shoved her skirt up. Violating her.
Several times I made myself physically ill, vomiting from the image that lived in my memory. I kept thinking about everything I should have done differently. How I should’ve double checked her location before entering that house. I should have made sure she never showed up there.
Despite how many times she told me during her frequent visits that I couldn’t blame myself for what happened, I did anyway. She was mine to protect. He’d hurt her on my watch.
I didn’t deserve Luna. Not anymore. Maybe I never had. For all I knew, I wasn’t even supposed to be here at all. I was supposed to die that night with my parents in the accident. The fates had made a mistake by sparing me.
Several times throughout the week Luna came by the hospital, spending as much time with me as possible. She was doing her best to stay strong. Going to class, working on homework. Pretending that everything was fine and normal.
She still hadn’t spoken to anyone about the rape. Although I had no idea what she was really going through, I understood that it must be difficult. I couldn’t help but worry about how much worse it would be if she didn’t process her emotions.
There was nothing I could do to help her now. The damage had been done.
When the nurse came to change the bandage covering my healing surgical scar, I stared at the incision, wondering how I kept escaping death. Was it possible that I was so wretched that even death didn’t want me?
“How are you doing today, Casper?” The nurse beamed a bright smile at me as she did every day. “Is there anything you need?”
Like every other day she asked me that, I simply shook my head. There was nothing I needed that she could give me.
“Looks like you’ll be getting out of here soon,” she said, applying new gauze and bandaging on my wound. “You’re healing up nicely. I bet you can’t wait to get home.”
I nodded, staring absently at the floor. Home. A change of surroundings might be nice. Being alone with my thoughts without a constant flurry of activity going on outside the door would be welcome. The hospital really wasn’t a great place to get any rest.
It had been a week since the night everything went down. It would be a few more at least before I felt like myself again. Not that I really knew what that was supposed to feel like.
Every time I tried to sleep, I saw it all over again.
Jace on top of Luna while she fought before finally going limp as she disassociated completely.
As much as I had hoped things would be different, I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t good enough for her.
She deserved better. She deserved someone who would never let that happen to her.
When the day finally came that I was discharged from the hospital, Dom was there to drive me back to the house. Luna had been spending more time with her mother since the incident. She’d offered to be here, but I told her I was fine getting a ride from Dominik. She needed this time with her mom.
I couldn’t even imagine what it would be like to have my mother now. I would’ve given almost anything to see her gentle smile again. To have her ruffle my hair.
The doctor sent me home with a prescription for pain meds and instructions on how to care for the wound as it continued to heal. My entire body felt stiff, rife with tension. When Dom led me outside to his car, I finally felt like I could breathe.
“How are you doing, dude? Really.” Dom turned to me when we were in the car. “I know you and Luna went through hell but something feels off. Are you going to be okay?”
His hazel eyes filled with sympathy. Not something I acquainted with Dom. He searched me, seeking what it was that had changed.
I shrugged, making a halfhearted effort to sign. “I wish I knew the answer to that. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“Don’t give me that shit. Do you think that I don’t know about the noose under your bed?
I found it one day when I was in your room looking for the earbuds you borrowed.
I’m worried about you, Casper. We all are.
Not just because of your injury. Because there’s always been something else going on with you, and I’m afraid this is making it worse.
” Dom’s hands tightened on the wheel. He didn’t put the car in gear. Not yet.
I swallowed hard. So much for that plan. No doubt he’d taken the noose.
“I wasn’t going to use it,” I signed. “I just like to think about it sometimes. I mean, I probably wasn’t going to use it. I don’t know anymore. I’m tired, Dom. Can we go home?”
Dark brows knitting together, Dom frowned. He started the car, his gaze lingering before finally turning his attention to the road. “Promise me that you’ll say something if you start thinking about doing something crazy. You have a lot to live for, Casper.”
Easy for him to say. He hadn’t watched the love of his life be violated while he stood there uselessly, unable to do a damn thing to help. Leaning my head against the passenger window, I did my best to clear my mind. Thinking of nothing. Watching the town fly by as we made our way home.
“Rebel will stop by later,” Dom said as we entered the house.
I nodded, resisting the urge to hold my aching abdomen. I hadn’t done much walking around since it happened. My insides protested the movement.
Everyone took their turn to greet me. Codie threw her arms around me in a hug before apologizing profusely, thinking she’d hurt me. I did my best to grin and bear it. They all cared, and I appreciated that. Unfortunately, it didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything.
Making the trip down to the basement to my bedroom had me gritting my teeth. Dom followed me into my room, helping adjust the pillows behind my head.
“You probably want to get some sleep. Do you need anything?” He lingered near the doorway.
“Water.” My hands barely moved. I didn’t have it in me to communicate.
He nodded, disappearing back upstairs. A few minutes later, he returned with a glass of water, placing it on the nightstand next to me. Dom paused, like he wanted to say something else. Deciding against it, he left the room, closing the door behind him.
When sleep eluded me, I lay there, staring at the ceiling instead. Spiraling deeper into the abyss. The deeper I fell, the louder the voices in my head became. Telling me that there was no escaping. They would always be with me. And I would always be a mistake.
Fisting two handfuls of my hair, I pulled until my scalp burned.
It did nothing to relieve the pain and pressure of having to live with myself.
A glance around my room made it clear there was nothing I could use to make this feeling go away.
Dom had taken the noose. My gun was most likely still in the trunk of my car where Luna had stashed it.
The guys had brought my car home. Although I lacked the energy to climb the stairs and attempt to smuggle the firearm inside unseen.
Also, much too loud. I didn’t even have a damn knife on hand.
My gaze fell upon the bottle of painkillers sitting on the side table next to my water. It didn’t quite have that poetic justice that a violent death brought. However, it would do.
Clenching my teeth against the pain, I rolled off the bed.
Digging around in my desk, I found a scrap of paper and a pen.
I needed to leave a note for Luna. To make her understand.
This wasn’t about her. This was about everything I would never be.
I needed to set her free. To set us both free in the only way I knew how.
Please don’t hate me for doing what I had to do.
This has been a long time coming. I wanted so badly to have a life worth living with you, Luna.
I know now that it’s better this way. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from him.
I’m sorry I let you down. I will love you into the next life, wherever it takes me.
Short and to the point. I didn’t have anything else to say. I considered writing something to my friends as well, but the words wouldn’t come. I hoped they didn’t hate me. Yet I accepted whatever consequences my choice incurred.
I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the pill bottle. Knowing if I didn’t make it quick, I might change my mind. Too many times I’d stared at myself in the mirror while holding a gun to my own head, never able to pull the trigger. I was pulling it now.
Popping open the pill bottle, I poured a mouthful of pills down my throat, chasing them with a glass of water. Since the instructions clearly stated only one pill every four hours, I figured that many should do the job.
Then I laid down on the bed and waited.
Gradually, my vision swam. My head feeling light and a little dizzy. The room began to spin around me. Eyelids heavy, I blinked them several times before they would no longer open. I felt myself slip into a dark space. Peaceful and free of pain.
Vaguely, I heard Dominik shout my name. He sounded far away. Like he would never reach me in time. Like the others, he would have to let me go.
For just a moment before everything went black, I felt a brief sense of regret. How could I leave Luna this way? How could I add to her suffering?
It was too late now. I’d made my choice. I was leaving this world behind. I only hoped that she forgave me.