CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
CASPER
There was nothing better than being in Luna’s space. Having her lavender scent all around me. I’d been spending a lot of time with her at the dorm. Not only because I simply enjoyed being with her but because it had been difficult to exist in my own space. My bedroom no longer felt safe.
Almost three weeks since the night I downed the painkillers and I was still skittish about my bedroom. I’d wanted nothing to do with pain meds after leaving the hospital for the second time. Instead choosing to suffer through the pain with only the occasional acetaminophen or ibuprofen.
Both Luna and I had started speaking with a therapist. She’d done a much better job of it than I had, going regularly every week. I’d only gone once so far. Even though I managed to find someone who understood sign language, I still struggled to put the emotions I’d carried for so long into words.
We both still had our moments where we fought through a traumatic memory. A depressive episode that left us in bed, staring at the ceiling. For the most part, we were both doing a lot better now. Although we still had quite a way to go.
My friends had gone over and above to check in on me frequently. Maybe even too often. Dominik had a tendency to watch a little too closely. Not that I blamed him.
Luna had been spending a lot more time with her girlfriends. They’d made her a priority, dropping everything to be there for her. I was grateful that she had them.
Strengthening our relationship had become my personal goal. Watching her fall apart in the hospital room, begging to know how I could leave her that way, had done something to me. I’d quickly realized that not only did I love her, I was absolutely head over heels in love with her.
I belonged to her as she belonged to me. The thought of leaving her devastated and broken racked me with guilt. Even though I had a lot of healing ahead of me, I knew that I couldn’t go to my grave leaving her that way. I would stay. For her. For myself. For us.
“Should we order Chinese tonight?” Luna asked, tilting her head up to look at me.
We leaned against the headboard of her bed, cuddled up together as we watched a movie on her laptop, which she’d propped on the desk. While not the most ideal movie set up, it worked.
“Sounds good to me,” I signed. “Whatever my flower prefers.”
She trailed her fingers gently over my abdomen. My gunshot wound was pretty well healed. Other than some soreness if I moved too quickly, I was feeling much better. The doctor had told me to take it easy for a few more weeks. No vigorous gym activity, although he had cleared me for intimacy.
“Maybe we can pass the time waiting for the food doing something more enjoyable. I think there’s a reason this movie never made it to theaters.” Luna held my face with a hand, pulling me in for a kiss.
She ran her tongue along my bottom lip before sucking it into her mouth. Every part of me wanted what she wanted. Yet I still resisted.
Feeling like a jerk, I signed, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. It might still be too soon. I don’t want to rush anything. I would hate to make things worse for you.”
This wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation. Luna had been eager for intimacy since my last check up when the doctor said it was fine. Except it wasn’t fine. Not after what Jace had done to her.
She pushed into a sitting position, pulling away from me. “I think it’s up to me if it’s too soon or not. I want to be with you. Do you not want me? Am I tainted now or something?”
“Of course not. I will always want you. But I worry that you’re trying to use sex to cope. The last thing I want is to do anything to make you relive that trauma.” I truly did worry about her. Didn’t she see that?
“Is that really it?” she asked, eyeing me curiously. “Or is it because you can’t look at me without seeing Jace?”
Maybe that was part of it. Not a day had gone by when I didn’t relive the moment he’d forced her down beneath him. What if I did something to take her back to that place while she was with me? I didn’t want to risk it.
“It’s because I want you to take all the time you need to heal first. I worry about you.”
Luna watched my hands move as I communicated my feelings, her frown deepening.
I noticed how she absently traced the letters of her tattoo.
Something she seemed to do without thought.
“I’m ready for this, Casper. I need it. I need you to cleanse him from me.
To take away his touch and replace it with yours. Don’t you understand?”
On some level, I did understand. I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it. The thought of being inside her and sending her into a panic attack or having her fight me off was too much.
“Flower, there’s nothing more I want than to chase away his touch. The timing has to be right for both of us.” I gently drew her back down against me, wrapping her in my arms.
Luna felt stiff in my embrace at first. Gradually, she relaxed against me.
Her finger tickled my arm as she traced the many tattoos inked into my skin.
“I’m ready now. I know that you’re afraid after seeing what he did to me.
And I love you for that. It means a lot to me that you’re not trying to rush it, but I don’t want to wait forever. ”
I didn’t want to wait forever either. This adorable little fairy had become my entire world. Protecting her still meant more to me than anything else. That’s what I was doing.
Capturing her chin in my hand, I tipped her head up so she could see my grin. Raising my hands so she could see them, I signed, “Trust me. You won’t have to wait that long.”
A soft smile crossed her face. She studied me for a moment before asking, “Do you think you’ll ever speak again? Not trying to put you on the spot or anything. I’m just curious. You shouted my name. I almost thought I was imagining it.”
I didn’t blame her for wondering. I wondered that myself all the time. There had been a time in my early teens when I’d sat alone in my room, trying to force words out. There seemed to be a disconnect between my brain and my voice. It wouldn’t happen.
Watching Luna suffer had done something. Something inside me had snapped, and her name burst free. It felt rough, like I spoke with gravel in my throat. My voice had been hoarse and raspy. I’d often wondered what it would sound like now as an adult.
“I’m not sure,” I answered honestly. “It’s been a long time since I’ve tried. Back then it felt almost impossible. Like I’d been silent for so long the words would no longer come. When I saw him hurt you, your name burst out. I had no control.”
She held my face as she kissed me. “As much as I would love to hear you say my name again under much better circumstances, there’s no pressure from me. I love you no matter what.”
Not once had Luna made me feel inferior or pressured because I didn’t speak. She was special that way. Accepting of everyone. A very come as you are attitude. She made it so easy to love her.
While we waited for our Chinese food to arrive, we pressed closer together.
Needing to feel one another. Simply holding her put so many of my broken pieces back in place.
I knew we were far from healed. If every moment of holding her in my arms put us both back together even a little bit, I would never stop.