Casualties

Chapter 8

EIGHT

AINSLEY

Cassie is already in pajamas under the covers while I settle into our dorm. This morning was a rollercoaster of emotions. Between everything that happened last night with Ace and Jackson, to this morning when Ace lit my body on fire, touching me in a way no one has before, then Morgan and Cass’s battle in the car, my mind is exhausted. I walk to Cass’s bed to talk to her, but see she has her headphones in.

I guess no talking for now.

I turn on the shower in our ensuite bathroom to an extremely high temperature. Hot enough to where your skin is bright red once you get out. I should be taking a cold shower to freeze this heated feeling in my core, but gross, who wants to take a cold shower? I choose to sizzle.

I lean against the shower wall, thinking about everything that went down last night. I have no idea why Ace lost his shit on Jackson for talking to me. It was just talking until…I kissed Jackson. I’ve never kissed anyone before. There was the time I thought Ace was going to kiss me when I read him my poem, but he didn’t, and I was left feeling stupid to think he ever would. I don’t know what came over me with Jackson, except I wanted to prove that Ace can't tell me what to do.

My mind travels to the brief, very hot moment in his room this morning. I'm not sure what the hell that was. Ace has never touched me in a sexual way, and before I left for Stanford I was under the impression he never thought of me as anything more than his best friend's sister.

I groan out loud in frustration.

It took an entire summer for me to mend the wounds of my heart. That was slapping a Band-Aid on it and calling me better. Now I feel the Band-Aid is getting ripped off a scab that hasn’t fully healed yet, leaving a reopened bloody mess. Ace has me questioning everything between us all over again. It's like I'm back in my house, preparing to tell the boy I love just how deep my feelings go for him.

Don't go there, seriously. You want him to make a fool out of you again? This is just some sick head game he's playing. You're stronger than this.

Turning the shower off, I reach for my towels. Steam fills the bathroom, fogging up the mirror. I begin to brush and blow-dry my hair while the mirror clears up. I zone out, staring at my reflection, questioning everything that happened this weekend.

Not only did I make the first move for my first kiss that wasn’t even planned, but less than ten hours later I’m grinding my lady parts on Ace’s…

“Huge, throbbing co?—”

Ah stop it, you horny little bitch. Jesus, horny?

I’ve never even touched myself sexually, and now all of a sudden I’m horny? Ace didn’t even kiss me and my entire body was ignited. I kissed Jackson and barely felt a thing. I mean, there was no tongue, so maybe that was the reason. I have no clue, and nothing to compare it to.

I shake my head to clear it, but it doesn't help. I want to sleep the day away. I want to try and forget about my first weekend in Boise. Easier said than done with the “conversation” Ace is forcing me to have. Why can’t we chalk it up to a mistake, and go back to our separate corners? I would prefer to ignore him, but I have a feeling he will make that extremely difficult.

I finally crawl into bed for a nap after finishing my skincare routine. Hair is dry, face is clean, and teeth are thoroughly brushed. I snuggle up in an oversized Pat Benatar tee from one of her concerts our parents took us to when we were younger. My headphones are on, and based on my mood, I play “Promises in the Dark” by the legend that is Ms. Benatar. I know sleep is coming soon; my eyelids are getting heavier. I can worry about all of this drama later.

* * *

I wake up to what sounds like aggressive finger tapping. Looking over at Cassie, I see she is awake, typing at the speed of light on her phone. I would not want to be the one receiving that book of a text message. Looking at my phone to check the time, I realize I slept the entire day away. Good, I apparently needed it. My plan is to stay in our dorm the rest of the night to get some much-needed writing in, then go for a run in the morning. I can give myself a lazy day here and there. School is going to be a lot of work, so it makes sense to rest up before it starts.

I stretch my arms out, exhaling a huge yawn that jars Cassie out of her text trance. The scowl on her face fades into more of a smile when she looks up from her phone at me.

“Good morning, sunshine,” she says with a plastered smile.

“Don't you mean ‘good evening’? I see smoke coming off your fingers from that fast-paced text you were typing. Is everything okay?” I wonder if she’s texting Morgan, their fight in Ace’s car was heated. If it is, I hope he is apologizing.

“Oh, it’s nothing. Get dressed so we can grab dinner. I’m starving.” The mention of food has my stomach rumbling, and I realize I’m starving too. I was too proud to eat anything Ace made, so I went all day on an empty stomach. My plan was for convenience snacks from the vending machine downstairs, but going to dinner sounds better.

“Okay, give me five. Where do you want to eat?” Honestly, at this point I will eat anything.

“I heard there's a pretty good pizza place down the street, and you know pizza is life for me.” Cass holds her hand up, like she’s swearing under oath.

“Fine, as long as it's not that weird hipster pizza you forced me to try.” I was on vacation with Cass and her family, and the Sinclairs eat nothing less than fine dining. The pizza Cass and I shared had diced sweet potatoes as one of the toppings. What kind of pie-making Neanderthal would ruin pizza in that sort of demonic way? It was disgusting.

“It’s not, babe, don’t worry. They advertise Chicago deep dish in the window, so you’re safe, I swear.” Hand to her heart, she vows I won’t want to puke after eating.

Both of us get dressed and head out.

The pizza place is down the street from our dorm. It’s a cute, newly remodeled brick building that looks similar to most buildings in this neighborhood. The carb-loaded aroma wafting in my nose is making my belly rumble more. It smells so good, I can’t wait to dive into a few slices of pepperoni deep dish. Like I said, no fancy shit for me—cheese and pepperoni with a thick crust is all I need.

The server greets us and tells us to grab a table anywhere. It seems like most students had the same idea as us—this place is packed. We look around to find a table, but have no luck. I glance over at one of the larger tables in the corner, and there are three open seats. Cass suggests we ask whoever is sitting there to join them, but let them know we'll keep to ourselves. She leads the way, with me following closely behind. When we get close to the table in question, I instantly recognize a familiar handsome face with sandy blond hair. He notices me right away, and waves for us to come over.

“Ainsley. Hi. I texted you this morning, but didn’t hear anything back.” He doesn't sound annoyed, at least.

“Hey, Jackson. Sorry, I had my phone on sleep mode all day. It was a pretty late night for us.” I feel bad that I didn’t text him. Thinking back, I haven't checked my phone, other than checking the time, since we left for the party last night.

“No worries. You guys want to sit with us? Weekends are crazy busy, making it hard to find a table.” Jackson moves the two chairs next to him out for us to sit.

Cassie plops down almost instantly, but I stand there looking at him for a minute. Seeing him in better lighting and without alcohol tells me I wasn’t crazy to think he was good-looking last night. He is more than good-looking, he’s hot…like, really hot. Cassie grabs my arm, pulling me into the chair and out of my awkward observation.

“Yeah, sure. We’ll join you,” she says, and I thank God for her jumping in when I need her.

There are a few other girls sitting at the table, and I assume the two guys with him are on his team. I look around Jackson to the girl sitting at his other side, who doesn't look happy we joined them. She’s beautiful, with long blonde hair and a fair complexion. From what I can see, her body looks perfect with huge boobs. I'm never one to pass judgement on other women, but holy hell, her tetherball rack is most definitely medically enhanced. I would say she has pretty eyes if they didn’t look so evil, burning holes in my face. What the hell did I do to her? I try to ignore her demonic stare and focus on Jackson.

“How are you feeling after last night?” he asks. Before I can answer him, Cass bumps my shoulder to ask if I want my usual. I nod my yes, and pray the food comes out quickly.

“Now that I've slept all day and drank copious amounts of water, I feel better. Pizza will be the final medication. Were you feeling gross today, too?” I laugh, because I am not one to know about curing hangovers, but so far everything I’ve done has helped. Rest. Water. Grease. I guess I learned a thing or two from Morgan and Ace and their high school party days. It never failed that the morning after they went to a party, I would get a knock at my door, begging me to pick them up something greasy for breakfast.

“That'll do the trick. I was alright, I only had a few drinks. I typically take it easy when it’s football season. Coach would have our ass if we fucked off during practice because we were partying too hard.”

I respect that he’s responsible and not a crazy partier. Hanging out with him last night was nice, until Ace had to puff out his chest and make things weird. I’m sure he wants to ask what Ace's problem was, but I hope he doesn't. I honestly don’t know how I would respond. I’m not sure why Ace reacted that way.

He leans into me and wraps his arm around my shoulder. The gesture seems innocent, but his touch isn’t giving me the brief flicker of butterflies I got from our dance last night. I guess alcohol affects more than your balance.

“Ahem. Jackson,” a high-pitched voice chirps from Tetherball Tits Barbie.

“What’s up?” He sounds less-than-interested to hear what she has to say.

“So Daddy is sending a car to take us to the charity gala, unless you want to take your Porsche. I told him sending the car would be fine, so we can have drinks and not worry. Remember last year’s fundraiser?” Her claw-like nails slowly slide up his arm.

At first I thought maybe she’s an ex-girlfriend, but now I’m not sure. He rolls his eyes and lets out a breath before speaking—he looks repulsed by her.

“No, Tara, I don't remember that night. I was so drunk and blacked out before we even left the event. As for next weekend, the only reason you are my date is because our fathers are in business together. Trust me, I don't want a repeat of last year, but my dad threatened my trust fund if I don’t comply.” He tosses her the side-eye with his mouth set in a flat line. They may not be exes, but they have definitely hooked up.

Tetherball Tara, as I will call her from now on, grimaces at his harsh words. She looks at her girl squad. “Girls! Let’s go. Now!” Clone One and Clone Two stand up without a word and hastily follow her out of the restaurant.

Cassie leans in close to my ear, so no one can hear her. “They were delightful.” I laugh at her sarcasm.

The server places our food on the table, and I'm practically drooling to take my first bite. Lucky for me, it’s so busy here, I don’t have to worry about Jackson hearing my belly make embarrassing noises. I’ve never been shy eating in front of people, so I dive into a huge slice of pepperoni pizza coated in ranch.

Mmm…This is a good ranch, and definitely homemade.

There is nothing worse than store-bought ranch.

“Dude, what the fuck? You couldn’t have played nice until we got the girls back to the house? I need to get laid. You know it helps me focus during football season. Pussy every day and the high scoreboard will stay,” the big guy sitting across from Jackson disgustingly says, laughing into his soda.

I shift uncomfortably at his brash words. I don’t usually slut-shame anyone, but really? Did he have to say it in such a crude way? Jackson notices my unease.

“Shut the hell up. I think your dick can have a night off from the terror twins.” Jackson throws a breadstick at him with a warning look.

“Ainsley, sorry for my teammates’ shit behavior. They're leaving anyway.” He nods his head toward the door and they pop up almost as fast as the clones did.

“Uh, yeah. We’re out. See you at the house, bro,” the gross one says.

“Ladies,” the other huge mountain of a man salutes us to say bye.

Cassie and I didn’t get their names, and that's fine with me. I have no interest in being friends with those meatheads. We both wordlessly wave bye, and I take another big bite of pizza. I can slowly feel my stomach settle in satisfaction.

“Come here, you have…” Jackson swipes his thumb softly under my lip.

“A little pizza grease on your lip.” He doesn’t wipe his hand on a napkin. No, he licks the tip of his thumb in a slow, mesmerizing way to get the grease off.

The little flutter feeling is coming back as I stare into his chocolate brown eyes. Jackson is handsome in all the ways. Dressed in athletic shorts and a BSU t-shirt that clings tight to his large muscles, this guy is massive.

I'm pretty sure Jackson likes me—the heavy eye contact and full focus on me despite the others that were at the table is a good sign—but I have been wrong in the past. The three of us continue talking as we box up our leftovers. There is no way I can eat another bite.

Jackson is nice and his upbeat energy is contagious; I could see myself hanging out with him more. I’m over feeling down about Ace, and making new friends is a great way to distract myself.

“This has been fun, but we have an early start to get everything prepared for the first day of school. Want to head out AC?” Cass asks me.

I don’t know if I’m ready to leave yet. A part of me wants to, because I know she's right. We do have a lot to get done before school starts. But the other part wants to stay and hang out with Jackson. He jumps in before I can answer her.

“Why don't I walk you both back? Then maybe you and I can go on that walk we talked about at the party last night.” I see the unease in his eyes at the possibility of rejection. “Yeah, I'm down. It’s warm outside and I could use the fresh air.” I smile and nod to Cassie to let her know I'm cool with his plan.

“Well, okay then, let’s go.”

We make it to the dorm in under ten minutes. Jackson and I say bye to Cass, as she waves us off saying something like “don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” and walks inside. He then grabs my hand, pulling me away to start walking.

We talk about everything under the sun. The questions are the typical lame ones like “what's your favorite color,” then get a little deeper when we talk about our families and where we come from.

Jackson comes from a very wealthy family that resides in Boise. He's lived here his entire life, and got scouted from high school to attend BSU. His dad made sure he accepted their offer, so he could stay close to home and continue to help with their family business.

"Is it like a company your dad owns?" I ask curiously.

"Eh. It's boring finance stuff. So, Copeland is your brother?" Woah, that was a quick subject change. But it's only the second time we've hung out. If he doesn't want to talk about it, we don't have to.

He tells me he's an only child, but always had a lot of friends, so the lack of siblings never bothered him. That's why he loves playing football so much—not just that he is good at it, but he enjoys the team camaraderie. Having brothers on the field that have his back is close enough to siblings for him. I may not have a clue about football or sports in general, but listening to him talk so passionately about something he loves is endearing.

I'm enjoying spending time with him and getting to know him better. I know we just met, but it feels like we have been long-time friends. Even if we never date or get closer romantically, I hope we continue to build a friendship.

We stop for a brief moment so he can tie his shoe that came loose. I put my hands in my pockets and remember the candy I grabbed from the bowl at the pizza place. Good. If he does decide to kiss me, I really don’t want pepperoni breath. I slide a vanilla Tootsie Roll in my mouth—they're my favorite. A sudden loud car engine startles me, and I inhale the Tootsie Roll making me cough vigorously. Jackson’s at my back in a flash, patting hard to prevent me from further choking.

This is the most embarrassing moment of my life. Well not the most embarrassing, but pretty freakin’ close. I finally start to catch my breath, covering my face with my hands.

Seriously, just kill me now. Give me a quick death to avoid this.

When he realizes I’m okay, he lets out a soft laugh. “Shit, Toots, you have to be careful with those. I almost gave you the Heimlich Maneuver.” He's still laughing as I lightly slap his arm. I'm sure my face is beet red at the moment.

“Toots?” I raise an eyebrow at the nickname.

“Only fitting I call you Toots with the pocketful you swiped from the restaurant, then you almost die from inhaling one.” He holds out his hand for me to give him one.

“They’re my favorite, so when I saw the bowl I had to grab some. My only rule is they have to be vanilla.” He's trying hard to stifle his laughter, which causes me to laugh at myself. The Tootsie Rolls I grabbed give me a sense of home—my dad always had a stash for us. When I would ask for one before dinner my mom would say no, but my dad would pull me aside and hand me one while holding his pointer finger to his lips, letting me know to keep quiet.

We walk a full circle around campus and back to the dorms. We stand at the main door not saying a word, maintaining steady eye contact. There is no liquid courage flowing through my body—the first move will have to be on him. He must know that as he moves in close to me, my chest pressing against him.

“Ainsley, I like you a lot, and I hope I’m reading you correctly to say that you like me too?” he asks, then waits to gauge my response. I nod my head yes. Tonight has been a lot of fun, and I really want him to kiss me, but I think he has more to say. “So like I said, I like you, but I need to know if you have anything going on with Maddox? I know he is close friends with your brother, so I am sure you all grew up together. I get that, but last night was not your brother’s friend looking out for you. Last night was a jealous man trying to claim his territory. Is there anything going on with you two?” He's still close to me, but pulls back to let me answer. I feel the emptiness from the space he created between us.

Ace is the one person I don’t want to talk about, but if Jackson is going to be my friend with the possibility of becoming more, I should be honest with him. But how honest? I decide I don't need to go into detail, but I can give him the CliffNotes version.

“You’re right, we grew up together. He actually moved in next door when I was ten, and that's how we all met. I did everything with him, Morgan, and Cassie. I won’t lie to you and tell you I've never had feelings for him. There was a time when he was everything to me.” I let out a breath and continue.

"Ace and I had little moments in the last year or two that made me think he may have some more-than-friend feelings for me, too....but I was wrong." I'm starting to stumble over my words a bit. "So to answer your question, no, there is nothing going on with me and Ace."

“Fuck, Ainsley. I don’t understand how he couldn't see what was right in front of him. You are gorgeous and smart. You carry yourself with such confidence, and it’s hot as fuck.” He’s moved in close to me again, placing a hand on my hip.

“Well, I wasn’t always like this. Spending the summer away for a writing program did me some good. My roommate-turned-best friend helped me get out of the depressive rut I was in. I used to dress like a tomboy, and lacked all confidence in myself. Jordan gave me a hard dose of reality, and I guess you could say she gave me a makeover. She's a badass, who snapped me out of feeling sorry for myself, and built me back up.” This mouthful of honesty is getting very deep, ripping me wide open.

I'm not sure why I’m being so forthcoming. Maybe it’s the way Jackson is looking at me with such sincerity, letting me know he is listening and here for me. He's not pitying me, he's being a friend.

“I don’t care if you wore a burlap sack. If I were him, I would have staked my claim a long time ago. Tomboy or not, you're gorgeous, and deserve for someone to tell you that.”

“Thanks for saying that. You and Jordan are the only ones who know I had feelings for him” My mouth pulls up into a sincere smile, and now both of his hands are on my hips.

So what if Ace says he's a womanizer? I won’t judge him for past indiscretions—I never judged Ace. Jackson is easy to talk to, and if something blossoms from there then I'll go with the flow.

He leans down close to my face. His lips hover over mine, and if I move just a little closer they’ll be touching.

“Is this okay? I mean, I know you kissed me last night, but I feel like that was a dig at Maddox for treating you like a child.” His hand moves up to cup my cheek.

I wanted him to be the one to kiss me, but while we are so close, I think he's waiting for me to make the choice. Getting out of my head, I quickly press my lips to his with a quick peck, then back away.

"I think we can do better than that." He pulls me back, pressing his lips to mine. Our mouths are closed, and I'm fine with that. I don't know how to make out.

This is only my second kiss, but he doesn't know that. This kiss is good—like, really good. He definitely knows what he's doing, so I follow his lead. He teases my bottom lip with his tongue as I inhale a gasp, surprised by the foreign touch. He uses that moment to gently push his tongue into my slightly parted lips.

Our tongues caress in a slow dance, playing with one another to find a rhythm. I'm not sure what comes over me when I reach my arms behind him, running my nails up and down his back. He groans in my mouth, so I must be doing something right. This may not feel like the earth-shattering moment with Ace, where I think I could have come on the spot with the slightest touch, but there is a small spark.

I break the kiss, and we are both panting, a little out of breath. I look around to make sure we're still alone. While our lips may have parted from each other, our bodies are still pressed together. He speaks softly onto my lips.

“You’re killing me, Toots. We need to stop now so I don’t have to walk back to my car with a raging hard-on.” He shifts his legs a little to adjust.

I didn’t notice when we were in the heat of the moment, but he is very hard. How is it that I have gone my entire life without lip-to-lip contact? From kissing him last night, to grinding Ace fully-clothed, to full-blown making out with Jackson now. I feel like I've gone from zero to one hundred so fast my head is spinning.

“Oh God, you’re right. I’m sorry. I just—” The heat from this kiss, combined with unwanted nerves, has me barreling headfirst down a confusing spiral of lust and hesitation.

“No, Toots, it’s okay. I just think the place you're at right now is complicated, and you need me to take things slow. But if you keep kissing me like that, slow will be an excruciating torture.” He adjusts himself some, and puts a bit more space between us.

I appreciate his restraint and honesty. Kissing him was the first time in a while Ace hasn’t popped into my head, but I feel it’s only right to explain.

“Ace and I are meeting up tomorrow evening to have a conversation. I’m not sure what all he plans to get out of it—I have no interest in explaining to him why we aren't cool anymore. But no matter how much I wish I could permanently vacate him from my life, that could never happen. He's my brother’s best friend, our parents are friends, so he will always be around.” My eyes squint while my mouth curls to one side. I hope he doesn’t have an issue with everything I just said. It wasn’t a lie: my mind doesn’t want anything to do with Ace, but my body is a traitor the way it reacts to him.

“Ainsley, do I like you spending time with him when I feel like he has stronger feelings for you than you think? No, but we’re just starting to get to know each other and in no way do I have any right to tell you I don’t want you spending time with someone you grew up with. It’s fine. I just want you to tell me if anything changes with you and Maddox.” Jackson forces a smile, but I don't miss his clenched jaw.

“Thanks for understanding. I should probably head inside, it's getting late. I had fun tonight. ” My head jerks toward my dorm building and I have both my thumbs up, pointing to the door... God, how fucking awkward can I be?

He pulls me in again and gives me a brief kiss on my lips, then whispers against them.

“Night, Toots.”

I walk backward, still looking at him with a huge smile on my face, until I almost trip, so I turn around to walk like a normal person. Once I reach the door, I turn to see he's still standing in the same spot, waiting for me to make it into my building. Once I'm inside he leaves, and I rush for our dorm to give Cass all the details.