Casualties

Chapter 10

TEN

AINSLEY

We park in front of my dorm, and my mind is going a mile a minute. I’m not sure what either of us thought we would get out of tonight. I shouldn't have expected much. I guess a small part of me hoped he would confess some type of feelings for me. Who am I kidding? It’s Ace Maddox.

I hesitate to get out, and I’m not sure why. He yelled at me and called me a princess bitch! The audacity of that man is on another level. I may be acting dramatic—I know there is nothing between us like that, and said myself it was a mistake. But I let my feelings get in the way, and it felt like he was bursting my bubble of delusion all over again.

Instead of a civil conversation, I was berated about what a stuck-up brat I've turned into. Screw that, and screw him. I don’t deserve to be treated that way.

I slowly rub the palms of my sweaty hands up and down my thighs. He's looking away, staring out of the driver side window, tapping his thumb on the steering wheel. God, this song is agonizing to hear. Nothing like sitting next to the person you once thought you loved, both angry, and listening to a song talking about it being too late for love.

Is he going to say anything? Just get out of the car, stupid. He isn’t worth this shit.

I grab the door handle just as he lays his hand on my thigh, stopping me.

“Ains, that didn’t go how I planned. I wanted to tell you that I want to work on building back our friendship. I don’t know what I did, but I was hoping we could fix whatever broke.” His hand has a firm grip on my thigh, making sure I don’t leave.

“I don’t know what to say. Things happened that I’m not okay to talk about with you. I don’t know what yesterday morning was about, but we both agree it should never happen again. I want to meet new people and experience life outside of you and Morgan. I can’t do that with you both constantly hovering over me. And while I appreciate you wanting to build back a friendship, I can’t. Something broke inside of me when it comes to you, and I don’t think we can ever repair the pieces.” That was too much honesty, leaving an opening for him to ask a million more questions. Questions I'm not willing to answer.

He pauses, a look of defeat washing over his face. I can’t tell him.

“Please tell me, so I can fix it. What we had should have been unbreakable. You were more to me than Morgan’s little sister; you were my best friend, too.” I see the hurt in his face, and I want so badly to wipe it away, but I won't. The damage is done, and we need to move on with our lives. I can’t give into him, no matter how beautiful and sincere he is.

“Ace, it is what it is. I’m done having this conversation. I made my point, and you sure as hell made yours. Let’s leave it at that before we say more to hurt each other.” I set my hand on top of his on my thigh. Why does an electric current shock through my body at the slightest skin-to-skin contact between us? Unrequited love is a bitch.

He lets out a loud exhale, and to my surprise he lets go of my thigh. I don’t say anything. I just nod my head, open the door, and exit his car. Walking toward the front of my building, I enter through the main door. Before I make my way up the stairs, I chance looking back to see him punching the steering wheel. Taking the stairs one by one, I hear tires screeching as he drives out of the parking lot.

I thought when I got back to my dorm Cass would be home, but she isn’t here. That’s weird, she didn’t tell me she had plans. Maybe she went to grab a hot chocolate from the coffee shop down the street to see that guy she's talking to. I send her a text letting her know I'm home, and that I'll see her when she gets back. Then another text asking her to pick up pistachio ice cream. She’ll know something is wrong. I only ask for ice cream when I’m upset, and pistachio is my favorite.

There are only two people that know how I could possibly be feeling. I don’t think Jackson cares to hear what happened between Ace and I. So my next text goes to the only other person who'll get it.

Me

Hey stranger. Miss you.

Jordan

Wow! SHE IS ALIVE EVERYBODY!

AC! Where the hell have you been? I was about to send a search party.

Me

Haha, very funny. I asked Cassie to bring home pistachio.

Jordan

Oh God! What happened???

I start telling her about the frat party Friday night.

Jordan

Um excuse me, ma'am… you had your first kiss with a boy you just met in front of the boy you were in love with?!?! And you made the first move??? Fuck AC, I turned you into a savage.

Me

It wasn’t intentional, but Ace was out of his damn mind. The way he was treating Jackson was crazy. We were just talking.

Jordan

Until you kissed him...

Me

Ace pissed me off, and the liquid courage helped.

Jordan

A woman after my own heart

I proceed to tell her what happened with Ace and I in his room the morning after the party. I see the dots form for a second, then disappear, then reappear again. Jordan's mind is most likely on the verge of exploding.

Jordan

Dang girl. New guy. Old guy. Two hot moments in less than a ten-hour window. How are you feeling?

Me

It wasn’t just two moments…

Jordan

Do tell, bitch!

I continue the conversation with the amazing night I had with Jackson after the pizza restaurant, and then the fight Ace and I just had. I don’t know why, but telling Jordan all of this instantly sets me at ease. I miss her so much. She gets how I feel about all of this. She's the one who helped me through my rocky summer. She hates Ace for everything that went down before I left for Stanford.

Me

So that's everything. I have no idea how I feel about any of it. I think Ace and I are on somewhat of the same page. I made it clear I've never had feelings for him, and he made it clear he feels the same. He just misses his “friend.”

Jordan

Ugh, why is he such a jackass? I know you won’t believe me, but he loves you.

Me

I know he loves me…as his “friend”

Jordan

No babe, that's not what I mean. He loves you loves you. Like obsessed with you kinda love.

I spit the drink of water I was taking out. Is she insane? Did she not get anything from what I just told her? He doesn’t want me like that, and I'm sick and tired of ever thinking he would. I know what I said to him—to some extent I meant it—but a small part of me wanted a different outcome.

Me

You're DELULU, babe! Cass just texted saying she's heading up so I'll text you later. Love you long time.

Jordan

For a short time, bitch!

I hear the keys jangle in the door and I sit up. “You got the goods?” I already know she does—I see the drugstore bag in her hand.

“Yes, I got the goods. What happened tonight that required medication?” I see the concern on her face.

“Ugh. Nothing... Well, I met up with Ace.” I don’t say more. She purses her lips and pulls her hand to her hip, waiting for me to continue.

“We got into a fight, and I’m not entirely sure why,” I lie, but a part of me still doesn’t want to share this with my best friend. I already went crazy on Ace tonight. Cassie doesn’t take anyone’s shit, especially when I'm involved. So I can only imagine how she would react if I told her the full story, and I don't want things to get more awkward between the four of us.

“Mmhm. So did he finally tell you how he feels?” I stare at her blankly.

What the hell does she mean “how he feels”? Um, yeah he did, I guess. He agreed with me that it was a mistake and can never happen again. Only instead of calm words, he yelled it at me.

“I’m not sure what you mean.” I cross my arms, leaning my face in toward her, signaling to elaborate. She rolls her eyes, annoyed at my confusion.

“That man has been goo goo gaga over you for as long as I have known him.” A loud laugh escapes me at her false assumption. She's just as delusional as Jordan. They’re both ridiculous to think he has feelings for me. No. Yesterday was a weak moment between two old friends.

“Ha! Quite the opposite. He told me what happened between us was a mistake and it’s not happening again. So you see, you couldn't be more wrong.” I can’t stop laughing, because I’m scared that if I do, the tears will start.

“Um, we're going to circle back to ‘what happened’ in a moment, but babe, I’m your best friend. I know you better than you know yourself sometimes. You think I didn’t know you had feelings for Ace? Come on, AC.”

Okay, so apparently the one who's been delusional this whole time is me. I was sure I hid my feelings so well that no one knew I was in love with him.

“Wh-what? How did you know, and why would you think he has feelings for me, too?” My voice is breaking as I shake my hands in front of me, trying to calm my nerves.

“You always look at him like you’re longing for him. Like he hung your moon, sun, and stars. I never brought it up, assuming you would tell me when you were ready. Babe, I have to tell you, he looks at you the same way. Believe me or not, I know what I saw.” She sits down next to me and wraps her arm around my shoulders, holding me tight.

“I didn’t want to tell you because I was embarrassed. I knew he didn’t feel what I felt for him, and that was painful enough keeping it to myself.” There it is: the first tears fall from my eyes. I swore I was never going to cry over him again, but here I am succumbing to all my emotions.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened before you left for Stanford. I know something did, but it’s okay if you want to keep that to yourself. Just know I'm always here for you, and am ready to listen any time.” There's a reason why Cassie and I are best friends. She isn’t pushy, and lets me come to her when I’m ready to talk about stuff.

“Thanks, Cass. The fight with him tonight was pretty brutal, I’m not sure how it will be if the four of us hang out in the future.” It’s the truth. With the way we left it, the four of us doing things together like we used to seems impossible.

“Honestly AC, I have no intention of hanging out with your asshole brother, so I’m cool if you want to take a step back from them. There's plenty of trouble we can get into, just the two of us.”

“I hope you know I won’t push you into telling me what happened with Morgan either, but know the same goes for me. I’m here when you’re ready.” I wrap my arm around her lower back and lay my head on her shoulder, taking comfort in her warmth.

“There's nothing to say, but thank you. Now can we please grab spoons and dive into our ice cream? I’m starving.” Short answer and quick change in subject—I get the message loud and clear. She's not willing to talk about anything that has to do with my brother.

We sit in front of the TV, each with a pint in our laps, scooping mouthfuls of ice cream while watching our favorite movie, Point Break. I mean seriously, who could ever say no to an action movie with Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze?

I feel my phone vibrate and look over to see I have a couple texts. One from Jackson and one from Ace. I open Jackson's first.

Jackson

Hey Toots…I hope the talk went well, but hope even more I get to see you tomorrow.

I tap out of that text to read what Ace has to say.

Ace

Ains, I’m sorry. I wish tonight went differently.

I choose to ignore Ace’s text. If I'm going to follow through with what I said, then I need to stop giving into him. I pull up Jackson’s text again to respond.

Me

It did not go well, but it’s fine. Honestly I think it needed to happen the way it did to draw the line that we are no longer friends.

Jackson

I’m sorry to hear that. Will I see you tomorrow?

Me

I have class until 2, but can meet up after.

Jackson

What is your last class?

Me

Creative writing

Jackson

Ok I will pick you up in front of the library…it’s close to your classroom.

Me

Sounds good, night!

Jackson

Night, Toots!

I set my phone down and continue to watch the movie with a huge smile on my face. He's sweet and he likes me. Jackson doesn’t come with drama or baggage from our past. The friendship we are building is simple and honest. While Ace’s text message did not put out the fire, Jackson’s text soothes the burn.

“I know that look, and I know for damned sure Ace was not the reason for it. Did Jackson text you?” Cass nudges my arm with her shoulder, raising one eyebrow curiously.

“He did, and he wants to get together tomorrow after my last class.” I feel my cheeks redden. I can’t seem to unscrew the smile plastered across my face.

“Eeek! I’m so here for you putting yourself out there.” She's genuinely happy for me, mirroring my same gleeful smile. Cassie is my biggest supporter, and always wants what's best for me.

Shifting our focus back to our favorite movie, we recite all the lines. We know almost every word, and that is the reason no one wants to ever watch a movie with us.

I can do this. I can continue my plan to have an amazing first year of college, and forget Ace exists. My phone vibrates again.

Ace

Cool. Ignore me…

Before I forget…I’m sure Morgan didn’t tell you, but our parents are forcing us to go to the charity gala they attend every year. They can’t make it and need us in their place. Morgan, Cassie, me, and you. Car will pick us up Friday night. It’s black tie. See you then, princess.

No! Not the annual charity gala! What the fuck? I don’t want to go to a stuffy black tie event, and I especially don’t want to go with him.

Oh no! Wasn’t Tetherball Tara talking about a charity she and Jackson had to go to? Shit!

If I'm right, this is going to be bad. I’m exhausted from the rollercoaster of emotions that I’ve gone through tonight. I yawn loudly, covering my mouth with my hand. It must be true that yawning is contagious, because Cass lets out a loud yawn as well.

“On that note, I think it’s time for bed. I’m wiped.” Sitting up from our slouched positions, we stretch our arms.

“I agree. Come on, let's brush our teeth and go to sleep.” I nod at her in agreement.

In bed, I snuggle under my fluffy down comforter, letting the exhaustion take over, and fall asleep.