Catch and Keep

Twenty-Five. If You Could Only See

TWENTY-FIVE

If You Could Only See

Joe

My veins have iced over. I’m left gaping over Maren’s shoulder. Unbelievably, she squeezes tighter, clinging to me and burying her face in my neck. I don’t know what’s happening when she brushes a kiss against my cheek and pulls back, her eyes capturing mine for a brief moment. They’re teeming with unspoken things, but before I can hope to decipher them, they dart away.

She turns to Liam. “Hey, Liam. We were dancing. That’s all. Just a dance.”

“Like hell that’s all . What is all of this? I thought you two were working in the bar. I stayed back to help—” And then he approaches, towering over Maren and getting in her face before I can even blink. His voice is low, but I hear him loud and clear in the darkened space. “I told you to stay away. What are you thinking? He has kids. He’s just gotten over a divorce! I can’t believe you—”

“Hey!” I yelp, cutting him off and jumping between them, putting my hands against his chest. “What are you talking about? Don’t be an asshole, Liam.”

“ I’m the asshole?” He sputters, incredulous. “You’re the one hooking up with my baby sister!”

“She’s not a kid, you dick!”

I feel more than hear Maren’s sigh against the back of my neck.

“And that makes it okay? Is this why you sent your kids away? For a piece of ass?”

I shove at him. Hard. “Don’t call her that! And don’t you fucking dare talk about my kids. You don’t know anything.”

He shoves me back, but I keep my footing. “I know what I see. I’m not stupid. I know you’re going through it, man.” He flings his hand out, gesturing to Maren behind me. “But this ain’t it.”

I’m seeing red. “What are you talking about? Going through it? I’m through it. I’ve been through it!”

“Aaand this is my cue,” Maren says in a soft voice behind me. She comes around my side and stands there, taking in Liam and me. “I told you I won’t get in the middle of you two. I refuse. You’ve been friends for too long. But…” She looks at her brother. “Give Joe some credit, Liam. He’s a fantastic dad. This place is doing so well under his management. Open your eyes and your mind and take it in before you make snap judgments.” She turns to me. “I promised you New Year’s Eve and I stand by it. But I think it would be best to give you both some space.” I open my mouth to protest, and she places her fingers across my lips. “Honestly, I could use some time to think, too.”

She grabs her coat off the floor and leaves out the door we walked through only hours before. Before sharing pie and smiles and our dreams. Before the thermos of coffee and the slow-dancing and the gut-deep realization that she is everything.

And now she’s gone.

“I’m not done talking to you—” Liam says, turning on me, but I slash my hand between us, cutting him off.

“We’re done, though. I’m done. And I need to get this cleaned up and open the bar for tonight. So you can see your way out.”

“She’s my sister , Joe. Even if she was good for you, she’s off-limits.”

I don’t respond, just blow out candles and pile them up by the door.

“She doesn’t know the first thing about kids or being in a real relationship. She’s practically a kid herself.”

I pack up the picnic, stacking our paper plates and laying the empty thermos carefully in the basket.

“Not to mention, she’s apparently got stalkers that will be following her for the rest of her life from those stupid videos. You don’t need that around your family.”

I drop the blanket and let my hands fall to my sides, facing him squarely. “How is it you claim to care so much about your sister, yet you can be such an enormous dick to her? Seriously. It’s borderline abusive.”

Liam laughs me off. “Right.”

I don’t even crack a smile. I can’t. “I’m serious. You call her names, you belittle her, you take every opportunity to push her down, and still she loves you! She looks up to you! Always has! It makes me sick to think of it now. The way you’ve always treated everyone else better than her. Are you jealous? Is that it? I can’t think why, but what else could it be?”

Liam’s smile slips.

I press on. “I really like her. She’s special. She’s good with my kids without even trying. She cares about this place. She makes me feel good and it’s simple between us.”

“What did she mean about promising you until New Year’s?”

I exhale. I suppose there’s no point in keeping it secret now. “There is something between us. I’ve felt it from the first, months ago,” I emphasize before the vein at his temple bursts. “Give me some credit, man.” I roll my eyes. “And it’s been growing gradually, but of course it’s complicated. With my kids and the renovations she’s been doing… so I asked her to stay through the holidays. To give us a chance to get to know each other, without the pressures of time or family or jobs. A chance to see if there is something real between us.”

“And?” His tone is terse.

“And…” I exhale, trying to find a way of putting it that conveys how serious this is for me but also not sharing anything with Liam I haven’t already told Maren. Which, at this point, could fill a twenty-six-volume encyclopedia set. “I don’t know,” I eventually hedge. “It was going pretty well until about fifteen minutes ago.”

“That’s on me,” he says, sounding contrite, but not enough, if you ask me.

“Yeah,” I tell him. “It is.”

“If she really cared, she wouldn’t let me get in her way.”

“Oh, fuck off,” I tell him. “She hasn’t let you get in her way, you’ve forced yourself in. What’s the deal with you warning her off me like I’m made of glass?”

“I just…” He sputters, turning red. “You’ve been through a lot, Joe. Coming back from the fucking war and your wife leaving. Lucy…” He trails off in the way everyone does when they talk about my kid. The way that annoys the shit out of me. Well. Everyone but Maren, that is.

“That’s all just life. And don’t you ever talk about my kid like she’s something I’m going through. She’s not a tragedy, she’s my child.”

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes quickly. “You’re absolutely right. That was uncalled for.”

“I’m fine. We’re all fine. But Maren makes me better. And I want—” I swallow. “I want to be able to do that for her, too. So you coming in here, spouting off bullshit about her not being good enough or me being too fragile, just proves you know nothing. Be mad at me for sleeping with your sister.” Liam’s vein pops again. “That’s warranted. I’ll own that. But you don’t get to tell either of us we don’t deserve to be loved.”

Liam is quiet for a long minute, and I know he’s trying to calm himself down after my revelation. I respect his effort. I never had a sister, but I imagine it sucks feeling like you have to protect them all the time. Eventually, he says, “Want me to talk to her?”

“For me?” I scoff. “I’d rather you fuck off and let me handle this my way. But for yourself, for her , yeah. You better fix it. And quick.”

He picks up the blanket and hands it to me before walking over to the speaker and turning it off. “This is not me giving my approval, by the way.”

“Don’t care.”

“And I don’t ever want to hear about you two having…” His voice strangles and he shudders. “Sex, ever again.”

“Deal. Though I would advise calling ahead next time you decide to surprise either of us with a visit.”

“Fucking fuck, are you serious? The shower?”

I shrug, but do nothing to minimize my shit-eating grin.

It’s hard to tell in the dimly lit boathouse, but I think he’s turned a little green. “You’re an asshole,” he says, but he doesn’t mean it. “You better not hurt her.”

I straighten, widening my stance and crossing my arms over my chest. “I won’t, though that’s real rich coming from you.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

I pack up the candles, now that they’re cool, and turn off the space heaters. “For what it’s worth, I don’t give a shit until you make it right with Maren.”

She never shows at the lodge that night and her mom tells me she’s left, passing me a note that I tuck into my pocket without reading. “She’ll come back,” she says, her smile sympathetic. “She left all her stuff and asked us to take care of Rogers for her. She found a flight out of Green Bay to Nashville. Spending a few days with Lorelai and that sweet fiancé of hers will be good.”

There’s a pang in my chest as fear squeezes inside of me. She’ll be back. She said she would. I trust her. But Nashville is far, and what if perspective makes her change her mind about me? About us? What if she goes there and finds someone else? Or there’s a job opportunity she can’t turn down? What do I tell my kids?

As if she reads the thoughts straight from my head, Maren’s mom adds, “She said goodbye to Anders and Lucy and told them she’d be back in a few days. She seemed completely normal. They weren’t concerned.”

So it’s just me, then. I sigh and wipe at the already shining bartop. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“She’ll be back,” she repeats.

I nod.

“Joe.” I stop my obsessive wiping and meet her gaze. “She’ll be back,” she says, impressing feeling into each word individually. “I know my daughter. She’s not running away.”

“I don’t know. I’ve been left before, and this feels the same.” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I wince at how pathetic I sound.

“It’s not,” she promises. “She wanted to give you and my idiot son time to work things out without her being put in the middle. You can’t blame her for that.”

“I don’t,” I assure her quickly.

“Good. Read the note. It’ll help.” She flashes a grin so like her daughter’s that it makes my chest ache. “Now,” she says, scooting onto a barstool and folding her hands on the bar in front of her. “I have to tell you, I’ve fallen in love with your children. Fair warning, I plan to spoil them at Christmas.”

This makes me smile as I place a cardboard drink coaster in front of her. “You’ll have to get in line behind my mom, but I won’t argue.”

“I am sorry about Liam.”

I’m already shaking my head. “Don’t mention it. He’s fine. He’s an idiot, like you said, and he needs to apologize to Maren, but for my part, as long as he doesn’t interfere with my trying to convince her to fall in love with me, I don’t care.”

Her grin spreads into an all-out blinding smile. “Don’t give up on her.”

“No, ma’am. Now what can I mix you up?”

Joe,

Stop your spiraling, old man. This isn’t what you think it is. In fact, I’m guessing this will hurt me a thousand times more than it will hurt you. You probably won’t even notice I’m gone. As for me, however, I will miss you every second.

But this is important. I didn’t expect… you. Do you ever feel like we just jumped directly into the middle of things, skipping all the bullshit? In a way, I’m grateful. It’s been so simple, and I happen to really like simple.

And I really like you.

Maren

If Maren’s plan in giving me space was to show me just how bat-shit crazy I’d go without her, it’s worked like a charm.

Nothing’s changed. I still run every morning on my treadmill before drinking a steaming cup of coffee on my cold deck. I still pour Anders’s cereal and make sure Lucy’s elastic waistbands don’t have any tags in them. I still argue with my dad over wanting to replace the appliances in the villas with more expensive yet more environmentally friendly alternatives. I still tend bar and laugh with guests, churning out more business for the busy summer months ahead.

Yet, despite all of the things I’m still doing, everything has changed.

Because Maren’s not on the deck waiting with her own coffee to greet me after my run. And Maren’s not there next to Anders at the breakfast bar, asking him about school and showing him updates from fishing message boards. And Maren’s not there sketching new lure designs with Lucy and convincing her to try a different brand of mac ’n’ cheese. And Maren’s not there to giggle at my dad’s antics when he argues with me, meeting his eyes over my exasperated head. And Maren’s not there to charm the old guys at the bar, promising to help them catch the fish of their life next summer when the lakes open up again.

It’s different because now there is a Maren-shaped hole in my life. Even Kiley calling, letting me know when she’s planning to pick up both kids for Christmas, doesn’t feel like the miracle it should.

“Aw, man,” Anders says when I hang up the phone and relay the news to him. “I was kind of hoping to spend it with you and Maren, here.” As soon as the words leave his mouth, he straightens and flashes me a guilty look.

I reach out a hand, placating. “None of that. You feel how you feel. I’m a little disappointed, too, but we got you for Thanksgiving. We’ll pick another day before you leave to pass out presents and make it special.”

“After Maren gets back,” he checks.

“Of course.” I try not to look worried because it hasn’t even been a week. In fact, Liam just left two days ago. We talked things out over a couple of beers and it’s as fixed as it can be until he talks with Maren.

“Okay. Can you take Lucy and me shopping so we can pick something out for her?”

“Do you have an idea what you’re looking for?”

“There’s a musky lure she was drooling over. She said it’s in town.”

I nod and my phone vibrates, since I put it on silent when I laid Lucy down for a nap.

Maren: Flying home tomorrow. Think you can pick me up?

I don’t even check my schedule. I’ll make it happen.

Joe: Absolutely. What time?

Maren: I’ll send you the flight details. Early afternoon, so it won’t interfere with getting the kids to school.

Maren: I miss you. And them.

Maren: “Miss you” isn’t really a strong enough phrase, but I don’t have a better one. “Desperately miss you,” maybe.

Joe: We miss you too. Especially me.

I hesitate and type again.

Joe: Was that enough space?

Maren: Too much. I was ready to come back days ago, but the flights were expensive, and Lorelai wanted to show me around town a bit.

Joe: You could have called.

Maren: I know this won’t make sense, but I couldn’t. I needed to miss you. I needed the time to think about missing you and what it meant.

Joe: That makes sense. I’m not mad.

And I’m not. I’ve been a lot of things: pouting, hurt, frustrated, and lovesick… but never angry.

Maren: Lorelai is calling me down. We’re headed out to dinner for my last night. See you tomorrow?

Joe: Tomorrow. Good night, Mare. Have fun with your friends.

Maren: Give the kids hugs for me! I’ll see you tomorrow… I said that already. I know. I just…

I grin.

Joe: I know, too.

Maren: Good.