Chapter 10
JETT
Holy shit, I almost leaned in and kissed Ethan. Or, he almost kissed me?
Either way, it would have been a horrible mistake. The worst ever.
From dating a cheating a-hole to kissing a straight fuckboy, I sure do know how to pick ’em.
I shake my head. How do I get myself into these situations?
Forget about Ethan.
I slip inside my room and head for my mini fridge.
Grabbing a bottle of blue Gatorade, I chug the whole thing down and feel marginally better, then I strip out of my sweaty rowing uniform and take the fastest shower in the history of ever.
Lathering up from head to toe, I scrub down as quickly as I can and dry off in under five minutes.
After changing into my favorite pair of jeans and a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up, I slip on my boots, grab my backpack, and head for the door.
The hallway is busy with the usual mix of students heading out to class, but there’s no sign of Ethan.
I was almost certain he’d be camped outside my room waiting for me, and a tiny twinge of disappointment lingers when I realize that he’s gone.
Which is crazy. I don’t even want to work with him on this Welcome Day stuff, and I certainly don’t want him to hang around for fuck’s sake.
Not that he’d do that. Why would he want to spend time with me?
Check your ego, Jett. It’s getting out of hand.
Obviously I need more hydration, because I’m acting ridiculous.
Or maybe you’re starting to like him?
Nope. I can’t even believe my mind went there.
Okay, so maybe Ethan is more than quips and frat parties. A lot more. Does he struggle with his ADHD? What about that stuff about his parents’ divorce? I want to ask him more questions, and once my curiosity’s unlocked it’s hard for me to pedal it back.
Instead of waiting in the lineup for the elevator, I decide on the faster way by taking the stairs. I yank open the heavy metal door and take a step inside the dimly lit stairwell before I hear a humming noise and startle at the sound.
“Took you long enough, Sugar.”
I trip over my feet, which for a competitive athlete is inordinately clumsy. Thankfully—or maybe not—Ethan reaches out to steady me before we slam into each other and tumble down the fucking stairs.
“Shit.”
His hands take hold of my biceps, and instead of wanting to push him away, I let him touch me.
I don’t like the fact that I’m breathless or that his lips are dangerously close to mine.
Fuck, I want to pull him in closer. This is bad.
My head is telling me no, but my dick isn’t cooperating.
I swallow hard, staring into his eyes while my heart knocks against my ribs so hard I’m sure Ethan can hear it.
“I’m all for sex in public places but slow it down a notch.”
“Not funny, Ethan. What are you doing here?”
I push at his chest but he’s solid, like the wall behind me, and he doesn’t move a freaking inch. He lets out a laugh, and I can smell cinnamon on his breath.
“I thought you left.”
Ethan chuckles. “Your words said leave, but your eyes said stay.”
“Did my words also say hide out in the stairwell and give me a heart attack?” I mutter. “How’d you know I’d be here anyway?”
Ethan shrugs.
“We have a psychic connection?”
I give him a glare, which only makes him laugh harder.
“Okay, so maybe I stayed behind and watched you coming out of your room, and since you were running like a bat out of hell, I assumed you were heading for the stairs. Figured you probably needed to run off whatever’s riding you.”
“Nothin’s riding me.”
“You can’t lie for shit.”
“Fine! I’m staring at what’s riding me,” I snap. “Now if you don’t mind, I need my arms back and in proper working order.”
Ethan does as I ask, but instead of pulling away, he rests both hands on the wall beside my head, caging me in. The pose isn’t casual, and neither is his gaze. My blood races fierce and fast and it’s all rushing south.
“Why do you smell so fucking good all the time?” he asks.
“As if.”
“It’s the truth. I like it. I like it a hell of a lot.”
Every word that comes out of his mouth has my pulse jumping faster.
“If I go with you to the library this morning, will you be satisfied?”
I want to bite back the words as soon as they leave my lips, but it’s too late. Ethan offers me a wicked smile and shakes his head.
“I can’t make any promises, Jett.”
“You’re determined for us to be friends, is that it? Or is it that no one ever says no to you. Is that what this is all about? You’re spoiled and used to having your way.”
Ethan cocks his head and drops his hands. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a toothpick, shoving it into his mouth. Nervous habit? Is that where the scent of cinnamon comes from?
“I’m not spoiled, but yes, I usually get what I want.”
I don’t miss the edge in his voice and the way his dark eyes never leave mine.
“And I want us to be friends, I guess.”
“You guess?” I scoff. “What does that mean? Either you do or you don’t.”
I hear a door slam and the echo of footsteps. Good, we’re about to be interrupted.
“Someone’s coming.”
“Are they?” Ethan replies and casually picks up my backpack.
Huh, I didn’t even realize I’d dropped it.
That’s because all your attention’s on Ethan.
Then he swings my bag over his shoulder, turns, and starts down the stairs.
“Um, what the hell are you doing?” I ask as I chase after him.
“I’m doing what any friend would do. I’m carrying your bag.”
“Give it back.”
“Just let me help you for fuck’s sake.”
“I don’t need your help,” I growl. “God, you’re the most infuriating person I’ve ever met.”
He pauses and turns.
“You look unsteady after tripping over me. It’s the least I can do. Do you need to hold my hand?”
“Do I need to hold your what?”
“My hand. Hold it if you feel dizzy.”
“Are you high?”
“I don’t do any of that shit. Some weed occasionally, but that’s it.”
He starts ambling down the stairs again, and my eyes can’t help but roam over his back, lower, to that big, beautiful hockey ass.
“Like what you see?” he calls out over his shoulder.
“If we weren’t on these stairs, I’d kick your ass. And I mean that literally—my boot in your ass.”
“Keep talking dirty to me, Sugar. I like it.”
“Ethan.”
He ignores me and keeps walking. I let him carry my goddamn bag because I’m already tired of arguing at this point. When we finally reach the exit and step outside, Ethan stops, smiles, and finally passes me my backpack.
“Let’s call a ceasefire,” he offers, and we shake on it. I can feel the shock of his touch all the way through to my bones. “At least for the next hour.”
I nod in agreement even though I doubt we’ll make it that long.
As we stroll across campus to the library, walking side by side, our shoulders occasionally brush. I’m all but vibrating with the unexpected need to get closer and trying to ignore the feeling.
“So, how long were you and Renner dating?”
That question comes from out of nowhere.
“A couple of months,” I admit.
“How did you meet?”
“At a party. Archie dragged me along.”
“Did Renner approach you or—”
I have no idea why Ethan’s so keen on the details of my prior relationship, but I don’t have anything to hide either.
“I approached him. Which isn’t usual for me. But he seemed interested. In fact, he made it clear by the end of that night how much he wanted me.”
God, I was a fool. What he wanted was attention, and it turned out, mine wasn’t good enough.
“Never again,” I continue. “I prefer to be chased rather than doing the chasing.”
Fuck, did I really say that out loud?
“And why’s that?”
“Even though I’ve known I was gay since I was thirteen, I grew up in a small town where there was no queer rep. Or if there was, I sure as fuck didn’t know about it. So I got used to keeping my attraction to guys on the down low. It’s not the way I wanted to live my life, but—”
“Sometimes you do what you have to in order to stay safe,” Ethan adds.
I nod.
“Exactly.”
“Dane and Jackson have dealt with that. I mean, when they went back home to Arkansas this summer, not everyone gave them a warm welcome. Quite the opposite.”
“That’s part of the reason why I wanted to come to school here in Vermont. It’s accepting.”
“Do you plan to go back home? Or do you want to stay out east?”
I mull that over before I reply. I’ve been struggling with that very idea for ages. The ranch is home and where my heart is. More than that. A part of my soul’s tethered to it. But as for living an authentic life, I can’t go back in the closet.
“Ranch life is what I love most,” I confess.
“But small towns aren’t always the easiest places to live, especially if you’re queer.
My grandparents know I’m gay, and all our ranch hands, but I haven’t come out to the rest of the community.
I don’t know how folks out there would react.
There’s a lot of unknowns, but at some point I’m gonna have to make a decision.
Sooner rather than later. Hopefully, sooner.
I think it’s time. When I went back home this summer, I noticed that things were different. ”
“How?”
“For starters, a young gay couple opened a spiritual wellness center and it’s attracting a lot of tourists. There’s even talk of organizing a pride event in Aura, which is a first.”
“Sounds promising,” Ethan replies. “Small towns are a lot like the hockey world, they can be slow to change. There’s still a lot of toxic bullshit in our sport too.”
“But there’s queer rep on the Cougars.”
“There is. But not much at the pro level.”
A rare stillness crosses Ethan’s face. I can see the worry in his gaze without him having to say a word.
“You’re anxious for your friends’ futures?” I ask.
He nods.
“Of course. I don’t want to see any of them get hurt.”
Man, I don’t want to like Ethan, and yet his protectiveness stirs something in me.
“As long as they have allies like you, they’ll be okay.”
Ethan pauses, stopping short, and I stop to glance at him.
“I’m not… I mean—” He pauses. “I think I might be more than an ally.”
“What?”
“I don’t think I’m straight,” he whispers.
I stand there with my mouth open while Ethan walks past me and up the stairs to the library.
“Are you coming or what?”
Ethan
Holy shit, did I confess to Jett that I’m questioning my sexuality?
Part of me is relieved and the other part is scared as fuck.
Not about being bi; it’s that I don’t like being uncertain.
I always know my own mind. I’ve never felt this unsure before, not about anything, and it’s unsettling to say the least. I’ve never been attracted to guys before, but I sure as fuck know I want Jett.
I’m so caught up in my head that I’m not looking where I’m going, and suddenly I bump into someone.
“Watch it.”
I glance up and fuck me, it’s Renner. Of all the people on this campus…
“Why don’t you watch it?” I snap.
Jett’s standing behind me, and I’d prefer he stay that way. Renner is a nasty jerk, and I don’t trust him at all. In fact, I don’t want to him to even look at Jett, never mind talk to him. Or worse, touch him. There’s something off about Renner. The way he insulted Jett was borderline verbal abuse.
“Jett? Jett!” Renner hisses as tries to push past me. “Stop ignoring my calls. Come on, sweetheart. It was one freaking time. It meant nothing. Don’t be such a bitch.”
“No,” I reply at the same time as Jett.
Jett stalks around me, and I fight the urge to wrap my arm around him.
“I can speak for myself, Ethan,” Jett mutters and turns to Renner. “And I said no, Ren. I don’t trust you and that can’t be fixed.”
“You heard him,” I growl. “You fucked up, so leave him alone.”
“Fuck off, Ethan. Leave us alone.”
“No way. Jett told you he’s done, so respect that and get lost.”
Renner swears under his breath and pushes past us, nearly knocking Jett over as he stalks out of the building.
“He’s not taking the hint,” I comment.
Jett crosses his arms.
“He will. Once he realizes I’m not changing my mind.”
“I don’t like it.”
“It’s not your problem to solve.”
“I’m curious about something,” I start.
Jett starts to laugh.
“No shit.”
“Did you have doubts before you caught him cheating?”
Jett’s face ices over. He quickly nods.
“I was forgetting stuff. Or Renner kept telling me I was forgetful, I don’t know.
He made me feel like I was stupid sometimes.
And he ran hot and cold. One day he’d be all over me, and the next I could do no right.
He also didn’t want to come home to meet my grandparents.
I told him that we’d say we were friends, but he still didn’t want to do it.
And then there was the fact that we had compatibility issues.
I could never fully relax when we were—” Jett pauses and runs a hand through his wavy hair.
“Anyway, there were a shitload of red flags, but I ignored them. Lesson learned.”
“You couldn’t relax?” I ask and then it hits me. “Are you talking about sex?”
“Not anymore.”