Forty-Five
Stacy
Shame, embarrassment, sadness, and a gnarly hangover slam into me at the same time as I slowly peel my eyes open on New Year’s Day.
The bedroom around me is still, no sound except for the whir of the ceiling fan as I pull the navy quilt up over my head.
I’m all alone in the queen bed of our Airbnb, no Reece to be found.
Not a great sign.
I groan and roll over to bury my head into the pillow as I recount my night.
After I accosted Tashia in the bathroom, I spiraled.
We left the rental and went out for some more “girl time” before our planned meeting with the boys because heaven knows I needed some more liquid courage before I faced Reece.
I stayed away from Tashia, peeling off with Mae the second we got to the bar in order to find said liquid courage.
And, boy, did I find it.
Three rounds of tequila shots and two tequila pineapple cocktails later and suddenly Reece appeared to quite literally drag me out of the bar.
I’ve never been so mortified .
My mind was going a million miles a minute, the alcohol messing with my senses which has to explain my actions and outburst in the alleyway behind the bar.
I just needed to be with Reece one more time before chaos imploded.
Reece…
My chest aches, cracking right down the middle as I recall my conversation with Tashia, my brawl with Reece, my utter blackout after I went back into Outlaw’s Den and left Reece despondent on the street.
I love Reece. It’s clear as day, plain and simple. But if Tashia’s story is true…
My stomach churns but I don’t have time to finish my train of thought before someone raps quietly at the door. Reece steps inside without waiting for a response, a cup of coffee and bottle of Advil in hand.
“Morning, sunshine,” he greets me, setting the graphite mug and painkillers on the oak bedside table. His face gives nothing away as he takes a step back, shoving his hands into the pockets of his gray sweatpants.
I pick up the hot coffee and take a long drag before speaking. “You sleep in here last night?”
Reece shrugs before jabbing his thumb towards the door. “Crashed on the living room couch.”
I swallow past a dry throat, knots coiling up in my stomach as I process this information. What does it mean if my boyfriend didn’t want to sleep next to me last night? Is he my boyfriend anymore?
Do I even want him to be?
Shaking my head, I muscle down the sick feeling in my stomach. I’m starting to feel small again, something I never thought I’d feel around Reece. It makes me want to hole up and die, to put up all my walls so that Reece can’t see how badly he’s hurt me.
It makes me want to get the hell out of here.
Clearing my throat, I throw off the quilt and amble out of bed, duly noting the pounding headache knocking around in my skull. I stride over to the decorative chair in the corner, throwing open my pink weekender bag to stuff my clothes inside.
“Trying to head out early, Stace?” Reece asks casually from behind me.
I toss a pair of socks into my bag and shake my head. “I’ve just got to get out of here.”
“Ah.” I can imagine Reece nodding with a sardonic expression on his face, though I don’t glance his way. “So, running away, then?”
I huff out a breath and whirl around to face him, my hands clenched at my sides. “What do you care?” I spit. “Tashia’s here anyway. What do you need me for?”
I stride back towards the bed to collect the cotton sleep shorts I evidently shed in the night but Reece catches my elbow before I can make it.
“Hell no,” he snarls. “We’re not doing that stupid shit where we break up over a miscommunication.” He lets go of my arm and points to the bed. “Sit.”
I feel petulant, crossing my arms over my chest and narrowing my eyes. “It’s not a miscommunication. What you said to Tashia—”
“ Now , Stacy,” he interrupts me, matching my stance. “We’re talking about this.”
I surrender with a huff, plopping down on the edge of the bed as I survey Reece.
Pissed as I am at him, the fitted Wing Haven t-shirt and jogger sweatpants he’s wearing are still making my knees weak.
His dark hair is messy, tousled from sleep, and his green eyes look blinding in the morning light.
I squeeze my thighs together to dull the ache between my legs because the ache in my chest is much more pronounced.
Reece prowls up to me and puts his hands on his hips. “I don’t know what Tashia said, but would you like to hear my side of the story?”
I jut my chin up but nod anyway, trying my best to keep my defiant mask in place.
“The true side,” he amends, eyeing me like I might bolt.
“That’s for me to decide,” I snap. Despite my valiant efforts, my childish tendencies have decided to make an appearance.
I hate that Reece has that kind of power over me.
Reece studies me before blowing out a noisy breath through his nose.
“Look, Tashia asked me if I could go to lunch to talk about the wedding. I was under the impression that Evan was going too so I said yes, I didn’t think anything of it.
We got to that cafe across the street and it was just the two of us and… ” He trails off, shaking his head.
“And?” I prompt, the knots tightening in my stomach.
“I thought maybe she really needed some closure. I was willing to give that to her so we could put everything behind us but things got weird. She asked if I ever saw us getting back together, if I really thought she should go through with the wedding. She said she’s having some doubts and I know it’s just cold feet so I didn’t take anything to heart.
I definitely didn’t respond the way she was hoping I would, I know that much.
We left the restaurant after I told her definitively that I didn’t want to be with her again.
Evan means too much to me, you mean too much to me.
That’s exactly what happened, angel. I swear. ”
I nod at him, gnawing on my lip while I wait for relief to flood my chest.
It doesn’t.
Reece has done his best to look levelheaded and diplomatic so far during this conversation but his mask slips ever so slightly when I don’t respond. “You don’t believe me?”
I shrug, unsure if I can form words through my tight throat. Unsure of what I would even say if I could speak. Reece’s story sounds true enough but then again so did Tashia’s. I should trust Reece over his ex, I know this much, but I can’t stop Tashia’s warning from ringing in my head.
What if everything with Reece is a facade? What if he’s nothing more than a smooth-talking playboy who’s got me wrapped up in his charm? This was fake to begin with. How am I supposed to know what’s real anymore?
“Baby.” Reece takes a step closer to the bed, desperation starting to sprinkle his tone of voice. “You have to believe me. I’ll go get Tashia right now, I’ll talk to her and she’ll tell you the truth.”
I bite down on my lip and avoid his gaze as tears start to rim my lash line. My insides begin to ache with a hollow, painful realization; it doesn’t matter what the truth is.
Whether or not I choose to believe his version of the truth, Tashia will always be an integral part of his life.
“Say your version of the story is true,” I finally speak, my voice barely above a whisper. “Say Tashia was the one who approached you. When she was asking you if there would ever be a chance for you two to work things out… Did you hesitate before answering? ”
“ No ,” Reece responds immediately, abandoning his tactful appearance and rushing up to sit next to me on the edge of the bed.
He takes my freezing hands into his rough ones and I duly note that his are trembling just a touch.
“There’s no part of me that wants Tashia back, angel. Please, please believe me.”
I nod slightly, the tears beginning to fall as I stare at our intertwined hands.
I do believe him.
But that’s not the problem anymore.
“No matter what, Tashia’s always going to be around,” I eventually say even though my words are strangling me. I have to swallow a couple times and my voice still breaks when I get out, “I’m always going to feel like second best compared to her. Like a second choice.”
Agony washes over Reece’s face at my words and it’s almost as if I can see his heart breaking.
His mouth gapes, his eyes pleading as he squeezes my fingers a little tighter.
I have to look away. “You’re not,” he breathes.
“You’re not my first choice or my second choice, Stace, you’re my only choice. I don’t want anyone else.”
“But if Tashia hadn’t broken up with you for Evan, you two would still be together.” My words come out as a broken sob. “I came along by happenstance but you never would’ve chosen me if she hadn’t left.”
“But she did leave,” Reece whispers urgently. “And it’s the best thing that ever happened to me because it led me to you.”
“I’m always going to wonder.” I dare to glance at Reece again. Blinking through tears, I see the mist in his eyes as he searches my face, his jaw clenching and unclenching relentlessly. “I’ll always worry that a part of you is still hers. ”
Reece’s voice is a rough whisper as he grinds out, “What can I do?”
I steel myself and stand up off the bed. Turning to face Reece, I muscle down the harrow feeling in my chest and take a trembling breath. “I’ve been in competition my whole life. I don’t think I can do it anymore.”
Reece rises too. “There’s no competition.”
Something inside of me breaks as I take in his beautiful face. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be,” I beg. “You have to let me go.”
Something close to anger flashes across Reece’s face, his mask of devastation melting away just a touch. “You’re giving up. You’re throwing away something real over a hypothetical scenario you made up in your mind, Stacy.”
“It’s not about a hypothetical scenario!
” I finally explode, my hands flying up and falling back to my thighs with a resounding slap.
“Even if you didn’t say it, part of me thinks you could’ve.
Because I still don’t believe I’m someone people choose.
I’m fucked up, Reece. I’m broken . I’m never going to believe that I’m good enough for you, I’ll never trust that I’m your first choice.
I don’t know how to love myself right now. ”
“Then I’ll do it for you.”
I sob, my stomach sinking. “I have to heal. There are so many things I hate about myself and I have to work on that before I can let you in. You don’t deserve to deal with all of my baggage. I don’t deserve you .”
“You might hate some things about yourself, but I promise the things I love about you outweigh them.”
“You are a good man,” I whisper, my throat tightening painfully.
“You are kind. You’re honest and decent and loyal and so goddamn intelligent.
The love you have to give isn’t the type of love I’ve earned.
You deserve more than me. I’m not enough for you.
I’m not… worthy of you. I’ve got to work on myself. I have to put me first.”
Reece blinks a couple tears free, sucking his bottom lip into his teeth before speaking again. “Please don’t leave.” His broken murmur nearly knocks me to my knees but I stay standing, shuffling over to the chair to pull on some jeans over my underwear and throw a sweatshirt on over my tank top.
There are a million things I want to tell Reece but I simply say, “I’m going to ride back to Wing Haven with Mae.” I’m wiping away the never-ending stream of tears as I hoist my weekender over my shoulder, turning back to face Reece one more time.
The desperate, pleading look on his face, his tear-rimmed eyes, his shaky hands; it’s all enough to put a dagger in my heart.
Loving Reece has been one of the best experiences of my life but I have to make myself a priority.
I have to love myself before I can love Reece.
I have to choose myself before I can choose Reece.
“You’re about to break my heart,” Reece tells me in a low mutter.
A forsaken sob breaks from my chest before I stride over to him and pull him into a hug.
I hold him tight, tighter than I’ve ever held anyone before.
I memorize the warm smell of his cologne, the way his calloused hands fit so perfectly on the curve of my waist, the way his soft hair tangles in my fingers.
His body shakes with a cry, his arms gripping me impossibly hard as I bury my face into his firm chest, his heart beating wildly underneath the cotton of his shirt .
“I love you,” I grind out. “I’m sorry.”
Reece’s hold tightens. “Stacy,” he says in a broken sob.
I let myself revel in the feeling of being held by Reece one last time. I let myself admire this beautiful, short-lived love story we’ve created for one final moment before I step back.
“I’ll see you at practice,” is all I can manage to say before I blow past him and bust out of our bedroom, holding back harsh cries with all of my strength as I think about everything I just gave up.