Chapter 14
Carrie
Three weeks later. Astoria, Oregon.
“Leo is here for you,” Sarah called from the doorway of the back room.
My head shot up from the inventory as a smile spread across my lips. Sarah’s eyes met mine, and she winked before disappearing into the front. I rose from the floor, leaving my work for tomorrow, dusting off the butt of my capris and double checking my blouse. My hair was wild today, and there was no taming it. The humidity in the summer air had taken over, partnered with the salt from the sea.
For the last few weeks, I’d been casually dating Leo. Things were light, and even though I enjoyed his company, the bounty hunter still lingered in the back of my mind. Some days, I wouldn’t think of him at all, while others, I would be consumed by the thought of him, his dark eyes, his scarred face, his mercy…
Everything about him had me in a trance, and for almost a month now, I’d been trying to break it.
He was the reason I eventually went on a second date with Leo. He was the reason I locked my doors every single night, just like he told me. He was the reason I stayed up every night sitting in the spot he’d been in, hoping he’d come back…
As I walked to the front of the bookstore, guilt swirled in my tummy, and I wanted to laugh. This guilt was for a stranger in the night, not my dead husband—the man I was supposed to still be mourning. Robert was a fading memory now, just like St. Louis.
After the bounty hunter left, I dialed the number to Sullie’s bar into my phone and stared at it for hours, wondering if I’d should’ve bitten the bullet and called them. They hired a bounty hunter to find me, after all. I knew they might’ve missed me, but I didn’t expect them to come after me. I was horrible to them. I ignored them for months because I was so wrapped up in Robert and the fairytale life he pretended to offer.
“Carrie.”
I turned my head towards the sound of the warm voice to find Leo standing by the check-out counter, a bundle of daisies in his hands. He’d been fishing for the last four days, having just gotten back this morning. He beamed at me, his smile bright against his tanned skin.
“Leo,” I greeted, walking to him.
His arms enveloped me, and though his heat felt wonderful, it was nothing compared to the bounty hunter’s.
Stop thinking about him, Carrie.
Be in the present. Get out of the past and focus on your new life.
Leo’s lips pressed against the side of my head. “Fuck, I’d never thought I’d say this, but I missed you.”
I laughed. “You never thought you’d miss me?”
He pulled back, his hands on top of my arms, his thumbs stroking. “First love is the sea. Never thought I’d want to get back home so soon.”
His sweet words. His bright smile. His warm touch.
Yeah, I needed to focus on this.
“How was it?”
“Good,” he told me, dropping his hands and holding the flowers in front of me. “For you.”
“God, you two are so cute,” Margo groaned from behind me.
I looked over my shoulder to find her leaning on the coffee counter, her chin resting in her hand, looking absolutely disgusted. “Makes me want to vomit.”
Leo chuckled.
“Well, I think you both are sweet as sin,” Sarah said, coming around the checkout counter with a box in her hands.
“Good to know I have your approval, Sarah,” Leo said, grinning at her.
I watched them both, knowing that, in some way, us dating rekindled Leo and Michael’s friendship. Sarah told me that even though they went to high school together and lived in the same small town, they grew apart. She told me magic had been in the air ever since I came to town.
“Are you two still coming over for dinner tonight?” Sarah asked, her eyes bouncing between the both of us.
I nodded. “Of course!”
She clapped her hands and did a little jump. “Yippee!”
Leo and I chatted for a few more minutes before I clocked out for the day and we headed out. He took my hand as we walked to my car and I could feel the eyes of everyone who walked by us. Over the last few weeks, I was the talk of the town, and Sarah introduced me to all the business owners on the strip. Leo was somewhat famous, due to his father’s death and how he took over the business.
“Here, babe. Over here,” Leo said softly, bringing me away from the street so he could walk beside it instead.
My stomach flipped at the thoughtfulness—and at the pet name. “Babe?”
His neck twisted as his eyes went wide for a moment. “I—sorry. It just slipped out,” he stammered as we both came to stop. He put his hand on the back of his neck, a boyish smile toying on his lips. “Shit, I’ve been thinking about you so much, and I just…Sorry.”
I smiled up at him. “Don’t apologize,” I said sweetly, giving his hand a squeeze.
“Yeah?”
I bit the inside of my lip.
Just fucking do it, Carrie. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can get back to normal.
I stepped closer to him, facing him fully now as the sun shined down on us, the town alive with chatter, foot traffic, and cars driving by. The shops were booming with tourists, and the smell of the sea was in the air. Leo’s green eyes softened as he stared down at me.
“Kiss me,” I whispered.
Those sweet green eyes flared as they dropped to my lips. “You sure?
I nodded, putting my free hand on his chest. “Kiss me, Leo. I’ve missed you, too.”
He grinned, letting go of my hand to cup my face, his thumbs stroking my cheeks. His eyes closed, and in slow motion, I watched the man I should want, kiss me. His lips were soft, just like the kiss.
Just give in, dammit.
My eyes closed, and I pressed my lips harder against his. For a moment, he held me there, not moving when I desperately needed him to. I needed to feel something. I needed this kiss to help me forget.
A second later, he pulled back. “We’re going to be late for the museum. Come on.”
I gave him a tight smile, let him take my hand again.
That was the worst kiss in the history of kisses, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. After all, I was trying to find my happy ending.
“Do you think I’m a bad person?” I whispered to Sarah after dinner. We were both standing in kitchen, sipping our glasses of wine, while the boys were in the living room, talking about sports. Dinner had been nothing short of great. Leo picked me up, held my hand on the way here, put his hand on my lower back as we entered the house, and even put his hand on my thigh during dinner.
Yet, there was nothing there.
I’d just finished telling her about how awful that kiss was.
She shook her head. “No, of course not.”
“I just—” I cut myself off and looked back to doorway leading to the living room. When I looked back to my friend, I hit her with it. “For the last year, I’ve been a shell, right?”
She nodded, her face intent. She didn’t know everything and I could never tell her. Right?
What would she think of me? Would she think I was a lunatic?
If I couldn’t tell her, then why was I so desperate to?
Over the last month, Sarah had become a dear friend. After the life I’d lived, I was grateful for one, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of discomfort for hiding a part of myself from her, especially after she’s given me so much.
“After I lost Robert, I lost myself,” I told her, looking down into my wine glass. I normally didn’t drink, but after that kiss this afternoon, I needed it. “I moved out here to find myself, and slowly I have been, but I thought…I thought, somewhere along the way I’d find some passion.”
When I looked back up to her, she was nodding in understanding. “Maybe he was nervous.”
I nodded and took a gulp of the wine. “Maybe,” I said.
“Or maybe there’s nothing there,” she added. “That’s okay too.”
I gave her a look. “Yeah, but you and Michael love that we’re dating.”
She made a face. “No, no.” She plucked my glass from my hands and set both of ours onto the counter. Then, she put her hands on my shoulders. “Are you only dating him to please us?”
I said nothing. Was I?
She tilted her head to the side. “Carrie,” she warned.
My lips thinned.
“Carrie, are you dating Leo as some form of payment for what Michael and I did for you?”
I looked away from her. Was I?
“Hey, look at me,” Sarah called softly. When I did, she spoke again. “You’re family, do you understand that?”
Oh, hell.
You’re family.
The sentiment slammed into me like a bullet, ripping through my flesh as it charged straight to my heart. A sharp pain radiated in my chest, and my eyes stung with tears.
I hadn’t cried in over two weeks. I’d been on a roll. All that work was just shattered with just two words.
You’re family.
Sarah’s eyes held mine, glimmering with her own tears as she tried to laugh it off like it wasn’t a big deal.
But it was.
It was monumental.
“I know its crazy. I know we’ve only known each other for a short time, but I’ve never had a friend like you.”
The shitty part about this was…I had. I had friends like her once, and I deserted them. I shook my head. “I don’t deserve a friend like you.”
She took a step closer to me, dropping her hands to grab mine. “Carrie, you’re the sweetest person I’ve met in a long time. You got Margo to smile, for heaven’s sake,” she said, laughing a bit as a tear jumped onto her cheek.
“I can’t believe I’m crying again,” I pushed out, shaking my head.
“Come on,” she whispered, leading me to the back door. “Baby, we’re going outside for girl talk!” she called out to the living room.
The men grunted back a reply, but we were already stepping through the sliding back door, the summer air wrapping around us. My friend dragged me over to the railing of the deck.
“Am I freaking you out?” she asked, her voice unsure for the first time since I’d met her. “Because I told my parents what Michael, and I did for you and they thought I was crazy.”
I wiped my tears as a soft laugh escaped me. “You’re not crazy. You’re just a very generous person in a selfish world.”
“I just—one look at you, and I knew you were a good person.”
My throat began to close, broken glass shredding me from the inside out. I looked out over the railing. She lived on one of the taller hills in the town, giving her a good view of the water and the strip. If looked to the left, I’d see Blue Beauty—my home.
“You gave me a home, Sarah. No matter what you say, I’ll always try to repay you for doing that,” I said softly, feeling her eyes on my profile.
“Carrie, it wasn’t—”
I cut her off. “I’ve never had a home.”
My admission hovered in the humid air between us, and in that moment, I knew were at a crossroads. I could let her in, show this wonderful soul just a hint of the darkness living inside me, taking over my past, or I could play it off and change the subject. Somewhere deep down, I knew Sarah was meant to be in my life, that me coming to Astoria and getting pulled over by Michael was some twist of fate.
Due to that little twist of fate, I was going to take a chance right here and now.
After weeks of stopping myself, I was finally going to tell her the truth.
“What do you mean you’ve never had a home?” she asked, her voice soft now.
Keeping my eyes straight ahead, focusing on the lights of the small town I’d come to love, I replied, “Last year, my husband didn’t just die. He was murdered.”
I felt her stiffen beside me, but I couldn’t look at her. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to continue. I needed to get all of it out, and then we could go from there. The truth might cause me to lose a friend, but at least the weight would be off my chest.
“I’d gotten up early like I usually did,” I began in a monotone voice. I’d told this story over a thousand times; it was almost second nature. “I’d left him in bed, gotten dressed, and headed to the gym—believe it or not, I was a lot skinnier back then.”
She said nothing.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed on. “I came home and could smell my breakfast the second I walked in—Robert always made sure I had breakfast. He would make it and put it in the microwave for me. I remember calling out for him, because usually, he’d be downstairs and ready for work by then. When he didn’t answer, I went upstairs to our bedroom, and I heard water running.”
Dark memories shot up to the surface, images I’d give my soul to forget flashing before me. Astoria faded away, and like every time I told this story, I was back in the bathroom.
“I found him in the bathtub,” I whispered thickly, waiting for tears that would never come.
I stopped crying about his death three months after I found him. My body didn’t see the point in wasting tears on someone I was never going to get back. “I don’t remember much, but I do remember a horrible noise, the kind you only heard in nightmares.”
Swallowing, I looked down to my hands resting on the railing. My knuckles were white as snow as my fingers held on for dear life, my body preparing for the usual panic attack that followed this story.
“Later, I was told the noise I’d heard was me,” I continued, looking back up. “It was my screams.”
“Oh my God, Carrie,” she breathed.
I couldn’t respond. I had to keep going. “The bathwater was pink from all the blood, and it was seeping over the edge, flooding our bedroom. I remember looking at my husband, and then, everything was a blur. I woke up later on the bedroom floor, lying in bloody water. I must’ve stumbled back into the bedroom before I fainted.”
I looked down again, trying to remember the last words Robert had said to me that morning. Like always, I couldn’t. I didn’t even remember what he sounded like some days. There were so many memories from our marriage that were fuzzy now. I couldn’t understand it.
“Carrie, I am so sorry.”
God, I was tired of hearing those words.
It was the only thing people could say, and I fucking hated it.
“After that, I was sent to the hospital because my blood sugar levels were so low,” I explained, bracing for the next part. “I told myself when I first got to Astoria that I would never tell anyone about my past, but…you just said something that people used to say all the time…”
“What did I say?” she breathed.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I looked over to her. Her hands were on her chest, as if trying to stop her heart from breaking while a look of horror painted her face. “You’re family.”
She began shaking her head. “I didn’t—”
I gave her a weak smile. “No, I loved it. Truly, I did. All I’ve ever wanted was a home, a place where I belonged.” I looked back out at the town for a second before I looked up to the moon. “I didn’t belong in St. Louis. I never did.”
“St. Louis?”
I nodded. “A few days after I’d found Robert, the pain of losing him became too much, and my father was nowhere to be found…” I trailed off, closing my eyes as I inhaled an unsteady breath. “I couldn’t take it any longer.”
“Carrie,” she practically whimpered.
My head fell, and I gave the rest of it to her. “It was in the middle of the night, and the pain was crushing me. I felt like I was in hell. I needed it to stop. I just needed everything to stop,” I whispered, looking at my wrists, dragging my fingers over the scars. I didn’t need to say the words; I knew she understood. “I woke up the next day strapped to the bed with bandages on my wrists.”
Suddenly, I was turned away from the railing, and Sarah’s arms were around me, holding on to me for dear life as a heavy sob left her. “My god, Carrie,” she rasped.
Slowly I lifted my arms and hugged her back, but the tears didn’t come. When it came to Robert, I was numb, and I couldn’t understand why. Why didn't I miss my husband? Why didn't I cry for him anymore?
My friend pulled back, her face red from crying. “I’m so glad you’re here. Oh god, I’m so fucking glad,” she breathed, pulling me again.
My eyes closed, and I squeezed her tight. “Me, too.”
We stood there like that for some time, crying together over the darkest time in my life. When we were both finally ready to head inside, I took one more look out into the night. A chill swept over me as Sarah walked towards the house and my eyes dropped to the street below, landing on something leaning against Leo’s car.
My breath caught.
My heart stopped.
My body ignited.
Our eyes met, the scarred half of his face barely visible due to the flickering streetlight, and my heart resumed beating, drumming inside my chest. His arms were crossed, his head tilted back as he watched me.
The bounty hunter was back.