Chapter 9
LOIS
When I eventually drag myself out of Nick’s bed and head to practice it's almost 7:45, which means I don’t get into the gym until 8:04am.
Being four minutes late might seem like a minor inconvenience to most people, but with the dragon we like to call Ellen waiting for me with crossed arms and raised eyebrows, I know I'm in for a world of pain.
She doesn’t think I'm living up to Callie as the new captain, but I don’t really give a shit.
I’m not Callie and I don’t need to be, I'm only filling in for her until she’s back…I'm praying to god that she comes back.
She’s coming home with Lily this afternoon and it’s safe to say my whole day at practice is spent fucking up my routines because I can’t stop thinking about squeezing the cuteness out of my niece later.
With the sweat still sticking the baby hairs to my forehead and Sean’s old white hoodie draped over my shoulders, I trudge into my dorm room at almost 7pm.
Today has taken it out of me, which is laughable really because my mind was anywhere but in the gym with me.
I was either daydreaming about the most perfect night with Nick, remembering his hands all over me, everywhere all at once.
Or I was shaking with excitement about Callie being home with Lily.
I turn my key in the lock and push the heavy wood open enough to slip through the gap and drop it closed behind me.
Anais is in the kitchen, her shoulder length auburn hair swishes when she looks up at me with a smile.
I come behind where she sits on the barstool, head in her laptop screen and swoop an arm around her neck, hugging her tight.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you for ages.”
I sigh, her hand gripping the forearm that’s across her chest.
“Where have you been?”
“I haven’t been anywhere Lo, it’s you that’s been awol this week.”
She laughs brightly and the sound sends a wave of comfort through my chest.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
I say into the shoulder of her worn out hoodie that looks a lot like mine, except hers doesn’t smell like my brother…that would be weird.
I dump my bag on the ground.
The moment I click the button on the coffee machine my bedroom door creaks open and Sean appears from the hallway.
He leans against the wall, a muslin hanging over one shoulder and a sickly sweet grin on his face, one that makes me instantly suspicious.
“Ahh, there she is,”
he beams, arms folded.
“The light of my life, my favourite sister—”
“I'm your only sister,”
“Still, you would be my favourite even if I had 100 of them, I'm so lucky to have yo—”
“Ok,”
I interrupt his pathetic guilty rambling with a finger in the air.
“What have you done? You’re being extremely weird right now.”
He stands straight, pushing his weight off the wall and shrugging, albeit way over exaggerated.
“Me? Done something? I would never, I…”
he watches my eyebrows lift on my forehead, my lips purse in a disbelieving way and his face drops with a sigh.
“Ok, fine, I'm sorry. I was changing Lily on your bed and now there’s a—”
he pauses, meeting my gaze for a beat.
“Let’s just say the sheet is no longer fully white, if you know what I mean.”
My eyes roll, hands flapping in the air.
“Oh for god’s sake Sean!”
My finger jabs through the air towards him.
“You can buy me a new one.”
Sean brushes his likely sweaty palms against his jean clad thighs.
“Yep, I will do that. Also, if you could not tell Callie, that would be great.”
He pears over one shoulder towards the bathroom where the door is locked and I assume his soon to be wife is, totally unaware of the situation.
I can play on this…I'm totally going to play on this.
I squeeze the dimple in my chin.
“Oh I won’t tell Callie,”
He breathes a sigh.
“Thank you.”
“If you buy me a new record for my record player.”
Sean’s hazel eyes find mine, a battle between wanting to deny my demands and also wanting to keep my mouth firmly zipped.
After a silent moment, the resignation coats his expression.
“Ok fine,”
he sighs heavily, “now I have three women in my life who are going to fucking rinse me for cash.”
I blow him a sarcastic kiss.
“Thank you, love you.”
Then my gaze zooms in on the muslin cloth that hangs on his shoulder.
“Where is my niece anyway? Don’t tell me she’s sleeping, I’ve been dying for a cuddle.”
Sean screws his nose up and points to the living room.
“She’s right there, are you fucking blind?”
“Ah, back to your usual charming self I see.”
I grunt and place my coffee mug down on the marble island, the solidity of it almost sending a meandering crack up my cup.
I kneel down in front of Lily, her tiny head nestled into the baby bouncer that she sits in, rocking methodically back and forth.
Her bright eyes stare back at me, wide and round, flecks of smooth, silky caramel woven through the swampiness.
I lift her out of her chair, so gently in case I break her like a glass doll.
I lay her head on my shoulder, a warm bundle of the most precious thing I’ll likely ever hold in my arms.
She’s like the perfect gift, like a hot cup of coffee the morning after you’ve been drinking or the tight excitement in your chest when you open a birthday present you’ve wanted for a long time.
She’s perfection.
“Give auntie Lois a snuggle,”
I coo into her tiny ear as she squirms, burying her nose into the crook of my neck and snuffling.
I didn’t know it was possible to love anyone this much, it’s making my chest hurt from the heavy beating of my heart when I hold her.
The bathroom door clicks open and a sniffly Callie appears, dabbing at her red ringed eyes with a tissue.
Her thick curls are scraped into a messy ponytail, her cheeks are marked with a trail of still drying tears and she looks fucking exhausted.
“Hey, baby what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Sean’s voice cracks with worry and he pulls Callie to his chest, engulfing her in his huge arms.
She wipes her eyes on the fold of his t-shirt and shakes her head.
“It’s nothing, I'm just being silly.”
I place Lily back in her bouncer and cross the room to Callie, pulling her into a hug of my own.
“What’s up? Tell auntie Lois.”
She pulls back with a pinch between her eyebrows.
“What’s with the two of you defining yourselves by your new titles?”
She points towards Sean, who is back to leaning against the wall.
“He’s constantly calling himself Daddy to anyone who will listen and now you’re at it too.”
I pop a shrug.
“Must be a Taylor thing, you sure you want to become one too?”
I tease, but Callie’s face crumples into a frown again.
“That’s just it actually, I do want to be a Taylor, of course I do but…”
she huffs a weighty sigh and her shoulders slump.
“It’s this wedding planning stuff, I just—”
she looks to Sean, who’s hands have already magnetised to her waist.
“These are the times I really miss my mum.”
“Oh, Cal,”
I whisper, taking one of her curls between my fingers and twisting delicately.
“We talked about this day my entire life and I always just assumed she’d be here for my wedding day, but she won’t be and it fucking sucks.”
Callie sniffs back the last of her tears before swiping a hand across her cheek and cleaning the remaining moisture. She swallows hard and Sean plants a lingering kiss against her temple.
“I can help you, with wedding planning stuff…or maybe you should wait a while before you start all that, it’s only been like a week since you pushed a human being out of your—”
“Yeah thanks, Lois.”
Sean cuts in, drawing an imaginary line across his throat, threatening me. I know he doesn’t mind waiting to get married, he’s the happiest he’s ever been so it must be Callie pushing for wedding planning to start. It’s not unlike her to be impatient and I would know, I'm just as bad as she is at waiting for things.
I squeeze Callie’s shoulder.
“Anyway, how’s motherhood been so far?”
Callie’s face instantly breaks into a sunbeam type of smile, one that radiates sincerity.
“I feel like my heart literally grew two sizes overnight and I can’t even remember a time when she wasn’t the centre of my world.”
Sean clears his throat, jokingly holding his chest in mock pain.
“you too of course.”
Callie adds to placate the man child, who proceeds to drop a light peck in the crevice of her neck before going back into my bedroom, hopefully to strip the bed… shudder .
I drag Callie by the hand to the couch, where we both sit, watching Lily snoring softly for a moment, before Callie slaps both hands on her knees, an announcement brewing.
“Oh, I forgot to tell you!”
She exclaims and my stomach does a backflip.
“I’ve arranged a date for you.”
Oh Jesus, I knew whatever she was going to say wasn’t going to be pleasant, but this takes the biscuit.
I let out a long groan, shoulders slumping from the cloud of dread that Callie has just placed directly over my head.
I hate dates at the best of times.
The only dates I’ve ever been on were with Mitchell and those hold only negative memories for me, even though at the time I thought he really liked me.
The moment I gave my virginity to him, trusting him entirely like I do with everyone — until they give me a reason not to of course — he told me this thing between us wasn’t going to work out.
Fucking prick.
Callie’s bright emerald eyes are glistening with excitement, an emotion she’s trying to impart onto me and failing miserably.
“Remember I was telling you a while ago that there was a guy on the football team that liked you?”
I don’t nod, I don’t even blink, so Callie continues, “And I also said you needed to get back in the dating game?”
Now it’s time for me to scoff.
“Get back in the dating game? Cal, I was never in the dating game, not really. I went on two dates over a year ago, got fucked over by Mitchell and that was the end of it.”
My stomach aches even saying his name, the sting of betrayal rearing it’s ugly head and pinching me in the chest, reminding me of what I gave him.
I can’t even pretend that he manipulated me, coerced me into having sex with him because that would be a delusion.
I happily walked into Mitchell’s bedroom after our second date and opened my legs for him, thinking this would be my happily ever after.
Fucking idiot.
Callie sighs next to me, dragging me back to reality and this painful conversation.
“Well, anyway, I think you should put yourself out there more and start dating, you’re a catch.”
She gestures a hand towards my body, her eyes taking a lap up from my toes to my raised eyebrows.
I fold both arms across my chest.
“First of all, the guy I lost my virginity to — who then proceeded to pretend I was invisible — is a football player, which means I'm automatically sworn off them for life.”
“Dramatic,”
Callie throws me an eye roll and I swat a hand towards her smirk.
I point a finger at her face.
“Second of all, I'm not interested in dating anyone right now.”
I lift my shoulders in a light shrug, forgetting I'm not alone in this room with my thoughts.
“Unless Ni—”
I stop myself in my tracks before his name slips out of my mouth and causes a shit load of trouble.
Callie wouldn’t hesitate to tell me how much she hates Nick if I accidentally revealed that I let him ravage me until all I could see was spots in my vision the other night.
“You’re not getting out of it that easily, anyway I’ve already set it up.”
Callie scolds, fiery gaze piercing into the depths of my already defeated soul. There’s no use arguing with her when she’s like this, it’s better if I just nod and accept my lousy fate.
Callie hops up off the couch like an excitable puppy.
“You’re meeting him at the Hawley for dinner and drinks, tomorrow at 7pm.”
“Do I even get to know his name before I embark on this torturous journey into the abyss?”
I huff, getting to my feet and stomping off towards the kitchen.
“Ha,”
Callie barks, “you know, I always thought your brother was the king of drama, but it turns out he’s been surpassed by you.”
I flip her the bird over my shoulder and reheat my coffee in the microwave.
“Anyway, his name is Connor.”
I’m not even listening to her at this point, my head is swimming with anxiety about this date.
I don’t even know the guy, which I know is the whole point of Callie setting us up but…I don’t know, I have a strange cramping in the depth of my stomach.
A feeling that’s pulling me like a magnet, holding me down and trying desperately to stop me from going tomorrow, but I have no idea what that feeling is.
I guess I’ll just go, be polite, eat my food and leave. Yeah, it will be fine, I'm a big girl. I can go on a date with a stranger and leave without feeling the need to give him anything in return.
Am I kidding myself here? Will this date be a total disaster or am I overthinking as usual? Urgh, it’s exhausting being stuck inside my own mind.
“Jesus Christ Cal, ok whatever,”
I sigh heavily and she plants a kiss against my hot cheek. My skin is burning up from the plague of anxiety that’s buzzing around my brain and I know Callie can tell because she pinches my ass cheek playfully.
“Hey, you’ll thank me later. Trust me, wait until you see him, he’s hot as f—”
“I can hear you!”
Sean yells from my bedroom, sending Callie and I into a fit of giggles that we try to suffocate with our hands.
The man himself soon appears around the corner again, this time with a bundle of my bedsheets in his arms.
He points a warning finger at Callie.
“You better not have set my little sister up with a prick.”
“Like I would,”
Callie scoffs with a slow roll of her bright green irises.
“Well, good,”
Sean's shoulders relax and he breathes a light sigh.
“I don't like the thought of her dating as it is, let alone some football playing arsehole having his way with her.”
“Having his way with her? This isn’t the 1920’s and anyway, you can talk, Mr Manwhore of the year.”
I put a finger up, politely asking them both to shut the fuck up before I explode.
“Ok guys, this has been fun but I now need to go and mentally prepare for this date that I didn’t want to go on.”
My chest is tight as I walk towards my bedroom, the familiar ringing in my ears is becoming harder to ignore and I collapse down onto my bare mattress the second I slam the door closed.
I can feel the panic trying to consume me, to crash over me like a tidal wave and drown me like it always used to.
But I’ve worked so hard to fight off the panic attacks over the last few years and I haven’t had one at all since I started at Redwood, I don’t intend to start now.
I practice my breathing techniques, counting in my head and focusing on nothing but getting the oxygen flowing steadily into my lungs.
Once my chest relaxes, the beating of my heart calming to a normal rhythm again, I can’t help but contemplate how I let myself get to that point.
How I let my body go into panic mode and almost take me down the path of an attack when I’ve worked so hard to suppress them for so long.
The truth is, I'm not only panicking about this date tomorrow with a total stranger who I have zero interest in.
I’m also worrying about this thing with Nick, I have no idea what we are or what he wants from me going forward.
I’m not naive enough to think that we slept together once and now he’ll fall at my feet and beg me for a relationship, when he’s usually busy jumping from one girl’s bed to another.
As much as I like Nick and as much as I’d love nothing more than for him to want all of me, I have no intention of cutting myself off completely from the world and tying myself to him.
Unless he categorically says he wants to do the same, which I can’t imagine happening even in the dreamiest of imaginary worlds.
I lay still in the silence for a moment, feeling how light it is, how comforting to just do nothing, feel nothing, hear nothing for a moment.
I flip over onto my stomach and reach for my record player on the bedside table, flicking the on switch.
It crackles to life and the disc begins to spin, waiting for the needle to drop delicately into place on whatever song I choose.
I’ve played this record so much I'm surprised its not scratched like a sofa in a house full of kittens.
But nevertheless, the track filters through the speaker like a caramel latte on an autumn day as soon as the needle lands on the disc.
The song that always reminds me how strong I am, that I don’t need anyone else and that I can do things on my own leaks into my ears as I lay back and close my eyes.
My favourite artists may not be the most popular nowadays but I think that’s why they speak to me, why they make me feel so womanly and powerful.
I’m not like everyone else and I don't need to be.
Some of the women that have blessed this planet with their angelic voices and talented vocals are the ones who have got me through the hardest of times.
They dragged me out of the ditch when I felt like I couldn’t carry on anymore.
But maybe I have someone else to help me with that now, maybe he came into my life at this moment for a reason.