Chapter 24 Secret #2
“Milla would barely talk to anyone. Hals was punching holes in walls. I was…I was fucking useless. Shilo spent most of her time calling hospitals and police stations and searching the social media profiles of everyone who’d ever said two words to you, hoping someone, somewhere, would catch a sign.
And when she wasn’t on the phone or the computer, she was comforting the rest of us.
If Cheyenne hadn’t been there, picking up the slack and making sure Big Top didn’t fall apart and Milla got to school—if she hadn’t been Shilo’s shoulder to cry on?
None of us would have survived the fallout.
You left behind a fucking wasteland, Gem, and Cheyenne held the foundation until the rest of us were ready to rebuild.
“So yeah, the bitch has earned the right to be pissed and protective, and we both deserved everything she threw at us today.”
“I didn’t—” Know. Think. Mean to hurt you.
But none of those are excuses, and anyway, he doesn’t give me a chance to finish the thought.
“And now I let you waltz back into our lives like all is forgiven because you said all the right words and you’ve decided you like dick.
But nothing’s changed, Gem. You’re still a mess, and I’m still making excuses for you.
You’ve been high on one thing or another since I found you in that motel room, and I’m standing here trying to convince Cheyenne you’ll go to meetings like I’m supposed to believe in you?
Like you’re not the same selfish piece of shit that ripped my heart out and—fuck.
” He shoves off the table and turns away, hands flying up to clutch at his hair.
I’ve earned every torrent of his wrath. If I ever want him to trust me again, the last thing I have the right to do is ask him to pull his punches. But fuck, I’m tired of taking the beating. The drop from my earlier elation is too steep, too violent.
“I was trying to protect you,” I hiss, clawing at the edge of the flimsy table until it creaks under the strain.
“Protect me from what, Gem? Watching my best friend turn into a drunk like my father? That ship had already sailed.”
The fight blows out of me as quickly as it came, and I scrub at my shorn scalp, wishing I could peel it open and show him all the inexplicable pathways of my mangled brain.
“God, Rocket, I know. Fuck. Look at what happened today with Cheyenne. I’m back in your life for five minutes and you’re keeping secrets from the people who love you, like you did that night. This is exactly why I couldn’t stick around and keep letting you fall in love with me.”
“I’ve been in love with you since I was thirteen, Quill.
I couldn’t even protect myself from it, no matter how much crap you pulled.
You didn’t let me do anything. You think I needed your bullshit protection from something that happened basically the day we met?
I didn’t. And I didn’t need you to love me back the same way.
What I needed was for you to see what I saw.
To fucking love yourself enough to stop with all the self-destructive crap and be my fucking Star-Lord. ”
The distance between us is cavernous, unbridgeable.
It’s less than the length of my arm.
“Okay. You’re right,” I plead. “I’m sorry.
Look, I know I have a history of manipulating you and throwing off seriously mixed signals.
I don’t blame you for not trusting me. But I swear, I’m trying to do better.
I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to make things right.
And no matter what you think of me, I wouldn’t have sucked your dick if I wasn’t serious about it. About you.”
“Why, though? What the fuck changed? Did you get hit with some magical bi-awakening juju out in New Mexico? Or have you always been curious, and it was me that was the fucking problem?” His voice goes ghostly at the end, his eyes haunted with the shine of unshed tears.
How can he possibly think he’s ever been a problem? He’s a fucking life raft, just out of reach.
“I think…” Helplessly, I spread my hands, grasping at a truth I barely understand.
“I think I was always curious about your dick. Mostly because it was attached to you. And that scared the hell out of me—not because you’re a guy, but because you were the person who saw me, cracks and all, and still looked at me like I was a hero when I was anything but.
I was never gonna live up to that. I would have destroyed you if I’d tried. ”
“You destroyed me anyway. We could have tried together.”
“Can we do that now? I can’t guarantee there’s anything left in here worth saving, but I promise to fucking fight like hell to salvage whatever you’ll have of me.”
“You gotta quit with the booze and the drugs,” he says—an olive branch shaped like an ultimatum. “That can’t be something you say just to placate me.”
“I know.”
“And you need to figure your shit out with your family. Including Cheyenne.”
“I know.” I risk a step toward him, and he doesn’t back away.
“And if you decide to run again, you have to tell me first. No sneaking out in the middle of the night.”
“I’ll let you tie me to the bed.”
His lips quirk, even as he shakes his head.
“You’re an asshole.”
“That’s always been true. You still find me irresistible.” Please find me irresistible.
“You can’t fix everything with sex, Gem. You of all people should know that.”
“I do. But I’ve also never tried it with someone I loved before.”
“Don’t.” A muscle tics in his jaw as he shoves his hands in his pockets and looks away. “Don’t just throw that out there like you know what it fucking means.”
“I know what it means.” I place a hand on his chest, fingers splayed to catch the thunder of his heart.
He studies me for a long moment. “Okay.”
“Okay, I’m allowed to love you, or…?”
“Okay, we can try.”
“To be clear,” I say, inching closer to peek up at him through my lashes, because I never promised to fight fair. “Trying includes more sex stuff, right? Because I’ve been doing a lot of research, and there’s about a million things I wanna try.”
“You’ve been doing—wait. A million?”
“Don’t pretend you haven’t been watching gay porn since you discovered what your dick was for.”
“I think a million is a little ambitious.” He pulls his hands from his pockets to cover mine, and the brush of his thumb along my wrist is enough to make my knees tremble.
Relief and desire make a potent fucking cocktail.
“You want me to make a list?” I ask.
“How about you pick one thing, and we go take that shower?”
“Three things.”
“Fine. But I’m serious about the rest of it. Including the meetings. We’re not spending the next four days in bed. I’ve got work at Big Top, and we need to fix your bike so you have a way to get around and—”
“Rocket.”
“What?”
“Stop talking and let me fucking seduce you.”