19. Adam #2
“Daaaad, I was in the middle of making a huuuuge Lego town.”
Dex chuckles. “I’m sorry, I’ll make it quick—If you got to invite someone over…Will or Beck, who would you call first?”
Miles hums while he tries to mask some giggles. “Well, I love both of them, but would Will bring Callie or does Beck have Dottie?”
Beck and Will mumble curses under their breath, while the rest of us laugh.
Dex places a quick kiss on his head. “Good answer, buddy. You can go back to your Lego town. Everyone will come look at it when you’re done.”
“Okie!” Miles pops up like a rocket and races back to his room.
Dex leans back on the couch and folds his hands behind his head. “Well, there you go.”
“I’d be more offended, but I do love that dog.” Beck shakes his head. “Before I forget…I have a vasectomy guy that you all can call…you know, if you’re thinking about it.”
I run my hand over my face. “You motherfucker.”
Beck holds up his hands in defense. “What? No pressure to anyone, I’m just saying, been there, snipped that.”
Will nudges my arm with his elbow. “Sorry about this, but, yeah, Beck, I’ll take that number.”
When Mia and the girls eventually came back, I thankfully got to see a soft smile on her face, but it was clear how exhausted she was on the car ride back to her place.
She tried to fight the idea of a nap, but I think she made it a total of five minutes sitting with me on her couch before she was out. When I moved her to her bed, there was truly nothing more in this world that I wanted more than to crawl under those covers with her.
Now, we’re an hour into pregame warm-ups, and apparently, my ability to fake strength and a completely unbothered mentality has weakened over the years.
I’ve warmed up fine. Hell, I doubt any fan watching the game today will notice how off I feel, but the rest of the team, the coaches…I’ve been asked ten times if everything’s okay.
Back at Dex’s, I mentioned I’d fill everyone else in before we left for our away games, but I don’t have it in me to answer any questions and zero patience for any stupid accusations today.
I just want to get through this game and get back to Mia.
Dex comes up to my side while I put my bat and helmet up in the dugout. “Hey, you got a second to talk?”
“Is this game related, or?”
“Probably a conversation you’ll want to have in private,” Dex says. “You can say no, but considering Olsson just asked if I thought you were a little off, it might be good to hear me out.”
I prevent my head from completely hanging as I take a deep breath. Shit, I have to get better at pushing this stress down. I don’t want my fears and anxiety showing with Mia at all.
“Alright, just let me check my phone first.”
Dex nods. “You can meet me in my old office. I swear, no one fucking uses it.”
“Alright, be there in a sec.”
I grab my phone from the bench in the dugout.
Nothing. Shit, well, I knew she was exhausted. My thumb hovers over the call button. Probably best to let her sleep as long as possible. She is growing our child after all.
Each time that thought crosses my mind, it feels so unnatural. Our child. This tiny human that we’re going to be responsible for.
Surely, at some point, we’re both going to wake up and fully accept this new reality. Our days won’t feel so heavy, and we’ll feel a little more confident in the fact that we’re actually doing this.
But today’s not that day.
Walking into Dex’s old office, he stands, looking out the window that overlooks the field. He turns at the click of the door closing behind me.
“Alright, let’s just get to the point. Do you want my two cents on this? I do have some experience here. It’s a lot to process and really knocks you on your ass.”
Sort of, yeah, but that sigh he let out before bringing this up didn’t exactly say “I want to talk about it.”
“Dex, I appreciate the check-in and the offer, but I respect you and Lucie too much to have you talk about your past with Kate.”
“Thanks, but don’t underestimate my wife. Do you think I voluntarily brought this topic up for shits and giggles?”
I let out a humph. Of course Lucie told him to check in. “You can tell her you asked me, and I declined.”
Dex huffs in amusement. “Lucie told me to do this, yeah, but I would’ve pushed back on it if I didn’t think what I had to say wouldn’t be helpful. Mia told Lucie about you calling Wyla and Jett for her. I get Jett is your friend, but you did that for Mia. I’m doing this for you.”
I’m too stunned to speak. I knew when they said they would be here for us that they meant it, but this…this is more than that.
I try to swallow down the lump in my throat, but it feels way too tight, so I just nod.
“Look, I don’t want this to be a full lecture, but hear me out.
I would never go back and change being with Kate because it gave me Miles.
I do have a million fucking what-ifs, too.
If I didn’t marry Kate, would we co-parent better?
What if I ended things with her sooner when I realized they weren’t working?
If I changed one tiny thing back then, would I have Lucie now?
Cause I swear, man, if I had to go back, I wouldn’t change what I had for breakfast one single morning if it meant I wouldn’t have Miles and Lucie today.
“I know Mia’s not Kate, and you’re not me.
I always wanted to be a dad, but in my gut I knew Kate wasn’t the person for me…
and I married her anyway. You’re both going to have to make big fucking decisions, so don’t get too lost in the what-ifs, it’ll all work out the way it’s supposed to.
Even if you start by making the wrong decision. ”
I let his words wash over me. I hate the idea of letting some of these fears out.
They’re not Dex’s to bear or figure out, but he was vulnerable with me—hell, I thought the weight of the situation was what was making it hard to hide that I’m not completely okay, but it may very well be how easily my teammates show their emotions.
Mia may be part of the second chance, but this team is, too. This is what a family should do. I take a shaky breath. I can do this. Dex isn’t going to judge me.
“I really fucking care about her. Before this, I wouldn’t have been able to give you a strong answer on how I felt about being a dad, but I would’ve been able to tell you that I could see my future with Mia.
But now it’s like we’re driving down the interstate with no brakes and I’m praying we don’t crash. ”
Dex’s hand lands on my shoulder. “Why don’t you try praying you make it through the crash instead of trying to prevent it?”
“At this point, I don’t even feel like I’m in the driver’s seat. I have no control. Mia has to carry the heaviest load during this, and I won’t even be around that much to help. I get we’ll figure it out, but what—”
“If you’re about to feed a what-if bullshit line to me, then I’m going to have to repeat myself. You want some control back, Adam? Control those spiraling thoughts first. And I don’t mean control the situation in your head. I mean control how the thoughts affect you.”
“Easier said than done.”
“Right, but it’s the one thing you can start with. You don’t have to be perfect at it, but you have to try.”
Turning toward the window, I watch as our opponents start their pregame warm-up and lock my hands together over my head. The tension in my shoulders feels like tiny needle pricks with the stretch.
I want to crawl out of my skin right now, but I push forward. There’s no way I can get into the deep-rooted fears that correlate with my father, but if this will help me be strong for Mia, then I can talk about some of it.
“What do I do about feeling like a prick that got his girlfriend pregnant? It was a genuine accident—we always used protection—but I can’t help but feel real shitty about putting her through this. I looked up a few things she has to cut out of her diet, and I got overwhelmed.”
Dex crosses his arms over his chest and casually leans back against the desk.
“I had that feeling when we found out we were having twins. For the first trimester, I hid every time I ate because I felt so fucking bad eating in front of Lucie when she couldn’t hold anything down.
I wanted to help her, but the fact of the matter is there’s nothing I could really do to fix the situation.
I could help it, though. I get the food she was craving with no questions, even if I knew she’d either throw it up or change her mind before I got back.
I don’t know how helpful that really is, but if I can get her to feel a bit better, then it’s a win. ”