Chapter 13 #2
“Gage, babe, can Frankie take my place and hold you? I’m gonna find your stuff. You still have braille labels, right?”
Gage nodded as he took another puff. He’d been doing that for years. Lucas had been his person. The only one who could keep him together some days. He felt crushing relief that being with Frankie hadn’t changed that for Lucas now.
His hands began to tremble with adrenaline as Frankie slid down to the floor next to him, and the older man reached out a hesitant hand. “I’m gonna pull you against my chest, okay?”
Gage made a soft noise of agreement, and Frankie pulled Gage between his legs, sandwiching him with his knees and his arms. The hold was powerful and firm and so soothing, he almost burst into tears. He was breathing easier now, but the panic was still clawing at his edges.
God, he’d fucked up so badly today. So badly. He’d lashed out at his dad before, but the way he’d walked off today?
“Breathe,” Frankie instructed, holding him tighter. “If you need me to let go, just say the word. If you can’t speak, knock your head against my shoulder.”
Gage nodded and forced his lungs to fill with air. It was easier this time, and though he was still trembling, his vision was clear enough to see Lucas had found the right bottle and was now holding his little pill and a bottle of water.
He knelt down and felt forward until his hand touched Gage’s shin. “Got you?”
“Mm,” Gage said.
Lucas held out the pill, and Gage took it, dry swallowing it down before he chased it with water. It would be a while before it kicked in, and he felt like a pathetic fucking loser for being curled up in his best friend’s boyfriend’s arms.
Before humiliation could kick off another anxiety attack though, Lucas slid up next to him and joined the small cuddle pile. His grip was strong, and he let his head rest against Gage’s shoulder as Frankie held them both.
“You probably have customers,” Gage eventually rasped.
“Fuck ’em.”
“Lucas,” he started, but Lucas smacked him on the shin.
“Shut up. This is more important. I want you to relax as much as you can, and then tell me what happened.”
“And if you want me to leave,” Frankie added, “I can.”
“Mm, no. This is nice. Where did you learn this?” Gage asked.
Frankie laughed. “Helping your boyfriend over the years. Fallon started getting really intense panic attacks when he was in fifth grade, and they got worse as he went into puberty. And then they got better until he started testosterone. We worked through it and figured out what helped.”
Gage closed his eyes as things began to settle, which of course was followed by the inevitable rush of embarrassment because God damn it, he was a grown man.
Was he really falling apart like this? He knew what Lucas would say if he tried to say that aloud, and he knew what his therapist would tell him too.
But he couldn’t help it. Yeah, things like this happened, but he hated the fact that he didn’t feel like he was getting better. That he was so angry. That he was angry enough to hurt the people he cared about.
“I cussed out my dad,” Gage finally said.
Lucas sat up so fast, he knocked his head on the counter. “Ow, fuck. But oh my God, why? What did he do?”
“It wasn’t his fault,” Gage said.
Lucas scoffed. “Babe. Please. You love your dad beyond reason. You wouldn’t go off unless he said something that deserved it. What did he do?”
“This time, it really was nothing. It was me. I was…” He held his breath for a second. “I’ve been so angry. I was telling him about Fallon, and they started questioning me about whether I was actually okay with the whole, uh…baby thing.”
Frankie stiffened, but only for a second.
“And I got angry. I just want people to trust me, but then I realize I’m not sure I should trust myself.”
After a long beat of silence, Frankie began to unwind from Gage and Lucas. “I think I need to step out.”
“Fuck,” Gage whispered. He curled in on himself. “I promise I’m not going to hurt your brother. I swear I’m—”
Frankie knelt down and took Gage’s hand in his, meeting his gaze.
“I trust you with his life and his happiness. But you’re not going to feel comfortable saying what’s on your mind with me here.
Talk to Lucas, okay? I’m going to run a quick errand.
” He leaned over and took Lucas by the chin. “Be back soon, princess.”
Lucas flushed a little. Gage knew they usually kept that little nickname private, but he liked hearing it. He liked seeing what it did to Lucas. “Love you.”
“Love you.”
Gage said nothing until the door shut, and then he knocked his head back against the counter and leaned into Lucas’s arms. His best friend wrapped around him—not as all-encompassing as Frankie had done, but close.
“Talk to me,” Lucas said.
Gage closed his eyes. “I don’t know if I’m the right man for Fallon.
I’m so…I don’t know. I feel good and fine one second, and the next, I feel like I want to scream until my vocal cords give out.
And I know for a fact that I want this with him, but I’m not sure this baby deserves some fucked-up, broken man as a father figure. ”
“You’re neither of those things.”
“I am,” Gage said. “I mean, I know I’m not. But I feel like I’m shattered in all these pieces, and if I put myself together, there will be a bunch missing. I don’t know how I can be what Fallon or the baby deserves.”
“You don’t have to do this. You can love Fallon but also not be part of this if it’s going to hurt you,” Lucas said.
Gage sniffed and swallowed past a lump in his throat. “It’s not going to hurt me. I know that I’m going to get through this. I’ll stop being angry. I’ll learn to compartmentalize better and handle my triggers. But doesn’t that baby deserve someone who isn’t…like me? Doesn’t Fallon?”
Lucas was quiet for a long time. Eventually, he picked up Gage’s hand and gently began to play with his fingers.
“I don’t really know what to say. I don’t think you’re broken.
I don’t think pain and trauma breaks people, but I also know firsthand how it feels that way.
I know the feeling of not wanting to inflict yourself on someone you think is perfect. ”
Gage knew Lucas had struggled to make things official with Frankie. He just didn’t realize how deep that struggle had gone.
“If I was going to trust anyone to raise a kid, it would be you. I don’t think this is a do-over after what happened with those assholes.
I think this thing with Fallon is a giant coincidence.
I think you’re allowed to have panic attacks and snap at your dad because sometimes he doesn’t say things in the best way. ”
“I—well. Yeah,” Gage said.
“I think he would also trust you above almost anyone else to raise a child. And I know what that pressure is like. I know the doubt. There are people all over the world who would think that Elodie would be better in fucking foster care than with a blind, autistic stepdad.”
“Fuck them,” Gage snapped.
Lucas laughed and shook his head. “Uh-huh. Exactly. I think the only thing you need to know is that you don’t have to do this.
That you are going to be good. And you’ll fuck up because all parents fuck up.
We’re people. And you still need time to heal because you’re the kind of person who wants to flip a switch and make it be over—and that’s never going to happen. ”
“Fuck. I know. I just hate that so much,” Gage said, rubbing his hands over his face.
That was exactly right. The problem was, he’d identified the problem.
He’d located the source, and he’d cut it off.
He’d bandaged his wounds, and he wasn’t bleeding out.
There were no permanent consequences for everything that happened.
His outside wounds had healed, but they were still forming scars, and his inside wounds, well…those were taking longer.
He just didn’t understand why he couldn’t make all the anger go away. The people who hurt him had been tried and convicted.
So why didn’t he have an off switch where he could go back to being the person he was before all this?
Logically, he knew the answer.
But his head wasn’t always logical.
“Is Fallon willing to be patient with you?” Lucas asked.
Gage swallowed down a few mouthfuls of water. His Xanax was starting to work. His limbs were heavier, and he was getting tired. He lolled his head to the side to look at his best friend. “He is.”
“Does he have big expectations about your healing journey?”
Gage couldn’t help a small laugh. “No. He’s probably too patient and understanding.”
“There’s no such thing, but I also think you have your answer.
You aren’t broken. And hurt people are allowed to have children, so long as they want them.
That’s the big thing here, babe,” Lucas said, taking his other hand and holding them both.
“It’s about what you want. Not what or who you have to be.
Let yourself be angry until you’re less angry.
Let yourself be hurt until you’re less hurt.
And love Fallon and the eventual kid if that’s who you want to love. ”
“I do,” Gage said, because fuck, he really, really did.
“I want to be good for them. I don’t want it to be like us, you know?
The one parent who looked at us and went, uhg, no thank you, and fucking left.
And then our other parent falling to pieces for a while because they didn’t know how to handle it. ”
“Preacher, I am the choir,” Lucas said, lifting a hand into the air like he was at a gospel service.
Gage burst into laughter. “Just promise you don’t think I’ll become that guy.”
Lucas sobered and took Gage’s hand again. “If I thought for even a second that’s who you might turn out to be, I would tell you. I love you too much to hold that back. That little mango is going to be my nibling. I already love them. And I love Fallon. I don’t want them hurt either.”
That made Gage feel better. He took his hand back and rubbed at his eyes. “I have to apologize to my dads and my uncle.”
“They’ll get over it. They’re probably already over it.”
Gage knew he was right, but he also had to fix it. He had to call his therapist and talk it out, then call his dad and make it better because that wasn’t the man he wanted to be. Even if he had moments where he couldn’t help it.
And then he wanted to go home and kiss the absolute shit out of Fallon because all of this was good—it was better than good. It was healing. But he wanted to be soothed, and there was only one person who was like an actual balm to his wounds.
And there was no good reason not to seek him out when Gage needed him the most.