Chapter 14 #2
He shifted over and tugged at Fallon until the other man was straddling his legs. He cupped his face, then leaned in and kissed him. “I do love you. I’m in love with you. I think I have been for a while.”
“Oh.” Fallon knocked their foreheads together. “I love you.”
Gage laughed. “I kind of thought you might.”
“I’m probably more obvious than you,” Fallon said.
He wasn’t entirely sure that was true. He’d been in a fog, and it wasn’t clearing up entirely now, but he could see better.
He took Fallon by the chin and kissed him again.
“I want you to come with me to my dads’ place tonight.
I need to see them. I said some nasty stuff today, and I want to apologize before I go home. ”
“Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t mind waiting in the car—”
“No. I want you to meet them too. We won’t make it a thing. They know about you,” Gage added when Fallon looked hesitant. “They know the rules about Mango. And obviously, my dad has met you.”
Fallon’s cheeks pinked. “I saw him mostly naked. I saw most of your coworkers mostly naked.”
“Yes,” Gage said, “but I’ve seen you all the way naked. I sucked your dick.”
Fallon’s face went bright red. “Please don’t say that in front of them.”
Gage snorted. “I’m not a sadist, my darling.”
“Oh.” Fallon swallowed hard. “I…I like that one.”
“Yeah?” Gage bit his lip. “I’m trying to be careful. I don’t ever want to make you feel, you know…not like yourself?”
Fallon shook his head. “It doesn’t work that way for me. I like soft things. Tender things. I like fuzzy faux fur, and my favorite colors are pastels.”
“I know,” Gage murmured.
Fallon smiled and grazed a kiss over Gage’s jaw. “You make me feel like myself, just the way you are with me. And I like that I’m yours.”
Gage tightened his grip around him and held him. “Can we talk about Mango a little more this evening?”
Fallon pulled back and frowned. “Is it too much—”
Gage shook his head. “No. The opposite. I think…I think I need to know that you’re okay with me being all in. That I’m part of this too.”
Eyes widening in understanding, Fallon grabbed Gage’s hand and pressed it to his ever-rounding stomach. It was hard to see under the clothes they’d bought him, but it was so different to feel it. “We are yours. Okay? And we can talk about it all later.”
Gage sighed and put his hands around Fallon’s back, tugging him close. He still felt a bit hazy from his medication, but he was on solid ground again. “I’ll probably fall apart a few more times. I don’t think this is close to being over. But I feel better now that I let some of it out.”
“Good.” Fallon gave Gage all of his body weight. “I’m glad you came here. This is my safe space too, when the world is closing in on me.”
The fact that they shared this meant something important, and Gage tucked it away to examine later when he had made up with his dads and had a clearer head.
Sitting in the driveway, Gage took several deep breaths as he stared at the dim light shining through his dads’ front window. He knew what they’d be doing—either lounging on the couch watching TV or on the patio being gross and making out.
Either one of those things would be safe to interrupt. Adele had a rule that Gage could come over anytime, no matter what, without knocking. So any funny business that would scar him literally for life had to be kept behind closed doors.
“You’re scared,” Fallon said.
Gage glanced over at him. His medication had worn off almost entirely, so he was jumpy and anxious again, but not as bad as he’d been before. Mostly, it was the guilt eating at him. He’d said far worse things to Adele, but this felt…different.
He had no idea why.
“I just want to get it over with. Logically, I know my dad’s probably not mad at me. At least, not in any significant way. But the guilt sucks.”
Fallon took his hand and kissed his wrist. “Better to do it fast so you’re not just sitting here thinking about it.”
Gage couldn’t argue with that. He got out and waited for Fallon to lock the car and follow him up the ramp and to the front door. A small part of him wanted to knock. He felt strangely unwelcome by the closed door, which was absurd, but it was what it was.
He turned the handle anyway and thought, If it doesn’t open, they don’t want me here anymore.
It opened.
He immediately heard the TV on low, and when Gage turned the corner to the living room, he saw Kash spread out on the couch with Adele’s head in his lap. They were both awake, Adele’s eyes instantly on him.
He didn’t sit up right away.
Gage swallowed heavily. “Um. I brought—” He stepped back and tugged Fallon forward, who almost stumbled before Gage caught him. “Shit, sorry. I—this is Fallon. You, uh…you know him.”
Adele sat up and raked fingers through his hair. “I know him. It’s good to see you again.”
He didn’t sound like himself. He was subdued. He was not happy to see Gage. At all.
Swallowing heavily, he said, “Can we talk?”
“I don’t know,” Adele said. He stood up. “I’m not in the best headspace for any more fighting.”
Gage’s throat went hot and tight. “I don’t want to fight. Shit—shit. I, uh…” His voice cracked. He didn’t want to break down. Not like this.
Adele sucked in a sharp breath, then said, “With me. My room.” He turned on his heel and didn’t wait, and Gage knew he deserved this. And probably more.
The hallway was dark, and he followed his dad’s footsteps into his bedroom. The low light was on—probably for Kash’s headaches—and the room felt colder than usual. He noticed the window was open in the corner.
Shutting the door behind him, Gage took a breath. “I’m going to try to do this without crying because I’m not—I don’t want you to feel sorry for me or whatever because I’m crying. I’m not trying to manipulate you or—”
“Gage. For fuck’s sake,” Adele said. He sounded angry. “Have I ever accused you of trying to manipulate me by crying?”
“Well, no, but I—”
“Have I ever—and I mean ever—made this an unsafe space for you to feel big, sometimes ugly feelings?”
He bowed his head. “No.”
“Have I ever held it against you when you lashed out at me for something I didn’t do?”
He burst into tears, covering his face. “I’m fucked-up. Dad, I’m so fucked-up. I can’t—” He took a beat, and it was between two breaths that warm arms came around him and yanked him into a familiar chest. The arms that had always comforted him.
The arms that hadn’t abandoned him ever.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
Adele kissed the top of his head as he squeezed him. “I know.”
“I’m…I feel broken. I didn’t even realize it. I’m so angry about what happened, and nothing feels normal. I’m terrified to trust myself with someone else. I’m terrified I’ll fuck up Fallon or Mango—”
“Mango?”
Gage swiped at his face before he looked up. “The, uh…you know. The baby.”
“Right,” Adele breathed out.
Gage closed his eyes. “I feel like something must be wrong with me that I came so fucking close to being saddled with someone else’s baby—one I didn’t want—and now I’m just what? Ready to jump into this thing with Fallon?”
Adele leaned back and used the edge of his sleeve to wipe Gage’s face clean the way he used to do when he was little. “I know if you and Kash didn’t need me, I’d be in jail right now for double homicide.”
Gage sniffed. “I know.”
“And I’m not going to tell you how to feel. But I need to know if I actually did make you feel like you couldn’t make a mistake. I know I fucked up pretty bad when you were little, but if I ever made your home—”
“No,” Gage interrupted in a rush. “God. Fuck. No, it’s…I was having some kind of fucking break from reality. I don’t even know why I said all that. It’s not how I feel. Most of the time, I want to go back to being a kid so I don’t have to deal with all this hard shit.”
Adele sighed quietly. “You had to deal with a lot of difficult stuff growing up. You handled it better than I ever could.”
Gage didn’t know what to say to that.
“And I know I didn’t do everything right.
I probably didn’t make you feel like you could tell me everything because it’s not like I could understand,” Adele told him.
“I get that. And I get there wasn’t a strong community of adopted kids that you could relate to either.
I kind of failed in that regard. All of that was on you already, so I know all of this must be a heavy weight. ”
Gage shrugged. “I just want to know you believe I can be good at this. I want someone to look at me and think, oh yeah. He’s gonna fucking nail this dad and husband thing.”
“I have never, not once in my life, thought you’d be bad at this. If I’m worried—and I am,” Adele said carefully, “it’s because I’m afraid you’re neglecting yourself. You don’t look well all the time.”
Gage nodded, staring down at his feet. “I think I keep trying to race to some invisible finish line where all of this stops and I get to be myself again. But I’m starting to realize that my new self—the parts of me that have changed from it all—I don’t know what they look like yet.
And I don’t know if there is a finish line. ”
“There isn’t,” Adele told him. He wiped Gage’s face again. “There’s just patience.”
Gage bit down on the inside of his cheek, then huffed a sigh. “Do you think I can be all this—be this fucking messy—and still be good for him and Mango?”
“Yes.” Adele said it without a single moment of hesitation. “As long as you don’t ignore what you need. We’re a village, kid. You know we are.”
He did know. When his dad was falling apart, Kash and Bowen were there to fill in the gaps for Gage, so he never felt alone. And when the others needed help, there was always someone to step in.
He had maybe just forgotten in all the chaos that he was part of this too.
“Is it crazy that I’m just gonna jump in and parent some random kid?”
“I did it. It worked out pretty fucking well,” Adele said.
Gage’s eyes went wide. “Okay, wow.”
“Too soon?”
In spite of the fact that it felt like there was a hurricane still raging in his chest, Gage smiled. “Nah. I deserve it.”
Adele yanked him close again. “You deserve to be happy. And I can take a few hits, but those ones today hurt.”
Gage swallowed heavily. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I love you, and I mean, this is probably biased, but you are literally the best dad on the planet.”
Adele squeezed him harder. “I expect a mug next Father’s Day.”
“And a banner,” Gage promised. He pulled back, then bit his lip before saying, “I guess I’ll be getting a mug too, right?”
“I—fuck,” Adele breathed out. “I knew this was going to happen, but I didn’t realize it would be this soon.”
Gage didn’t really know what to say about that. He’d spoken to Kash and Adele both about the what-ifs before the paternity test had come back, but he hadn’t let himself think about the reality of it. He couldn’t. He was wrung out and completely spent on just existing and getting by.
This was different.
This was wanted.
This was him in love with not only Fallon, but the concept of their little family. And he knew in this moment, no matter how hurt he was, he would fight to the death to protect it.
“I think Fallon will be ready to talk about it all once it’s over. You know?”
“I can handle that,” Adele said. “And when you need someone, you know where to find me.”
“Dad, I’m so—”
“No,” Adele said. He set his hands on Gage’s shoulders and looked him in the eye. “No more apologizing. I forgive you. It’s over. It’s finished. You have already beat yourself to a bloody pulp over things you can’t control. We’re not adding that to the list. Not with me. Do you understand?”
Gage nodded. “I didn’t know I was capable of saying those things to you though. I—I don’t want to. Never again.”
“Then talk to someone before it gets to that point.”
That was fair. Gage had been in therapy, but he’d been avoiding all these big things for so long, and this was a nice wake-up call because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if Fallon ended up his next target.
“I’m going to fix it.”
“You’re going to cope,” Adele corrected.
Gage rolled his eyes. “Potato-potahto.”
“Mhm. Now, please go introduce me to your boyfriend properly.” Adele opened the door and hurried down the hall toward the living room.
Gage followed and found Kash and Fallon sitting shoulder-to-shoulder with a bowl of popcorn balanced between their thighs, watching the English baking show Kash loved so much.
“It’s all about the layers,” Kash said. “And not splitting the cream.”
Adele cleared his throat, and Fallon and Kash looked up at him. “I believe I’m owed a second introduction to the man who will probably become my next son?”
Fallon’s cheeks burst into bright red splotches, and Gage slapped a hand over his face.
“Must you?”
Adele grinned at him. “Yes, son. I’m afraid I must.”