23. Ryuji
RYUJI
A s soon as I stepped into the kitchen, my eyes locked on her.
She stared outside the window in front of the sink, the soapy coffee mug in her hand and running sink water forgotten.
I could only see the side of her face, but her eyes were closed and her face was upturned to the light, like she was a plant soaking up the sun.
It reflected in her hair, giving her a slight glow.
She was beautiful, and my heart clenched uncomfortably in my chest.
The last two weeks had been emotional whiplash.
I was so damn happy she was home, but the scratches and bruises on her skin ignited a fury within me.
I was relieved she was safe, and I was fucking terrified every time she talked about leaving the penthouse.
Whenever I’d left to visit my clubs, I stressed out of my mind that something would happen to her. Every time I stepped back into the penthouse, I was satisfied she was still here.
Every time my phone buzzed, a pit opened up in my stomach that something else had happened. Then relief flooded my system when it was just a normal notification for something meaningless.
It was fucking stressful.
When I saw her at the sink, all I wanted to do was press my face to her hair and inhale her scent. I needed to convince myself that she was safe in our home, and swear that we’d never let anything happen to her again.
I needed a goddamn hug.
I stepped up behind her and reached for her hips, aiming to wrap my hands around her waist. But as soon as my fingers brushed her body, she shrieked. The coffee mug fell into the sink and shattered. She whirled, eyes wide and frantic, until she registered it was me behind her.
My heart raced within my chest while both of us tried to catch our breath. She hadn’t heard me coming? I wasn’t that quiet.
“Sorry,” she blurted. Her cheeks stained pink, and she turned to shut off the water. Her hands braced on the counter while she breathed in and out.
“What was that?” I asked, but I knew the answer. I’d seen her freak out a few days ago when Cas had woken her up after she fell asleep on the couch. She flinched once when Obi had come up behind her. She’d adjust her body so that no one stood at her back.
She was afraid. In our own goddamn home.
It broke my fucking heart.
“Nothing.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You didn’t scare me. I’m totally fine. I just wasn’t paying attention.”
I glanced down at the shattered mug. “Sorry about the mug.”
She turned and folded her arms around my waist. Some of the stress bled from my body as her cheek rested on my chest. “I don’t care about the mug.”
“That was my favorite mug.”
A sheepish expression covered her face. “Sorry about the mug.”
I leaned down to plant a soft kiss on her lips, gentle, giving her plenty of time for her to pull away, but she didn’t.
“I don’t care about the mug,” I repeated with a soft smile.
The guys and I had texted about laying off the physical affection until she was ready and completely healed. None of us wanted to pressure her into anything she wasn’t ready for, and so far she was not ready for anything more than this. Especially not when she was so fucking jumpy.
That was fine with me, but I had no idea what to do to help her.
I wasn’t like Wynn and Ciel, who were soft and gentle like her. I wasn’t like Cas, who knew her from the inside out and could anticipate her every need. All I had was my sharp tongue and stupid jokes, and none of that was going to take her pain away.
Maybe trying to hug her was a mistake.
“Are you okay?” I asked, smoothing the wild curls from her face. It was a dumb fucking question. Of course, she wasn’t. But it was the only thing I could think of asking.
She nodded. “I’m fine. I was thinking about our plans for tonight.”
Our plans .
We were going after another one of the Vokshi’s ships. The Iron Ghost . We believed they were carrying more trafficking victims. Plus, Orik Vokshi—the youngest Vokshi son—was supposed to meet the ship upon arrival to handle the tradeoff of “product.”
Unbeknownst to him, he had an appointment with my knives. He was about to become very well acquainted with them .
Aside from the arriving ship, fighting the Vokshi had been fucking annoying.
Cas and I had met up with Giulio and his men twice now to hit their other businesses.
We’d taken out a liquor store and a pawn shop in New Jersey.
We’d been trying to interrupt their operations and put stress on their business, but it just seemed like every time we took out a location, we’d learn of two more popping up elsewhere.
Leona had begged to go with us, but so far, we’d been able to get her to stay back with Wynn. With both of them still healing, it wasn’t safe to leave. Tonight was going to be her first time back in the field.
My brain was in a fucking war with itself.
Before the kidnapping, I could never have dreamed of begging her to stay behind. I’d trained her for hours, taught her how to become a weapon. I’d shown her how to stab a man in the heart, and I’d burst with pride while she’d done it.
I’d never been the man who feared she’d never make it home.
But now? I wanted to beg her—get on my knees and press my forehead to the fucking ground—to stay home. I’d never in my fucking life offered a dogeza before, not even to my old oyabun when he demanded one before he shot me, but I was going out of my fucking mind.
“How about we handle it tonight?” I asked softly. I used to hate the bodyguard for being this man, and now I was here myself. It made me sick to my stomach.
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Stay at the penthouse,” I urged, dragging my thumb down her lip. “Where it’s safe.”
She scowled, pulling back from me. “I would have never expected you to be the one to ask me to do that.”
Me-fucking-neither, but here we were. “Not permanently. Just until you’re stronger.”
“I am plenty strong, Ryuji. ”
She was strong—my brain knew that—but she also flinched when we tried to touch her. She woke up every single night screaming from nightmares. Couldn’t she see she wasn’t ready?
“It’s only been two weeks since you got home. Let me handle this. I’ll kill them all. For you.” Once I had, then she could be safe. Then I could stop worrying.
“I don’t want you to kill them for me. I want to kill them.” She gestured up and down her body. “I’m fine. I’ve been working out at the gym. My fever is gone. There’s literally nothing wrong with me.”
Nothing physical, maybe.
But even that, we didn’t know.
My eyes locked on the scar running down her face. She still wouldn’t talk about what had happened on that ship. Not knowing was driving me crazy. I imagined all the worst things happening to her over and over.
Why wouldn’t she tell us?
We’d promised not to push her. We’d all agreed it would only make it worse.
But she wasn’t getting better.
And I was just getting worse.
If she got hurt again, I knew I’d lose it.
My teeth gritted. “If you won’t take care of yourself, then I’ll have to do it for you.”
I’d lock her here. I’d barricade her in her room. I’d make the other guys agree with me. Cas was right that she’d hate every fucking second, but at least she’d be alive.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
No. I wouldn’t do that. I stepped back, dragging my hands through my hair.
“I don’t know,” I huffed. I didn’t know what the fuck I was saying. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Forget I said anything.”
I would not be this goddamn idiot. I had to get my head straight and let her do what she needed to do. I knew she was strong. I wanted her to be the woman who looked death in the eye and faced it down. But the more I loved her, the more insane it made me.
This… love was raw. A gaping, festering wound certain to spell my doom. It was bullshit.
So I pulled away before the wound could get any worse. Before I could hurt her any more.
“Ryuji! Where are you going?” she called while I made a beeline out of the kitchen.
“Gym,” I replied quickly, but I had no idea. I needed time to think. “I’ll see you tonight.”