49. Wynn
WYNN
A s usual, I woke up just after sunrise despite how late we’d all been up the night before.
I snuck out of the big bed, leaving everyone else minus Obi asleep.
Obi was already gone, likely in the library or his room.
Ciel and Cas were wrapped up with Leona, and Ryuji slept on the other side with his back turned.
Rather than stay in bed, I went down to the gym. I still needed to get stronger. I wasn’t back to my old self yet, but I was getting close.
The gym was quiet. My thoughts strayed to the night before, and how it was the first time I’d been with Leona since prior to the kidnapping. It had been amazing, but now, guilt permeated my every muscle. Ryuji was right about everything. I didn’t deserve her or Ciel yet. I had to be better.
An hour later, after finishing the most intense workout I’d been able to do so far, I leaned over to grab a water bottle from the mini-fridge. When my head popped back up, I almost jumped out of my skin.
“Hey,” Ryuji said .
“Jes—What the hell?” I gasped, pressing a hand to my chest. I hadn’t even heard him.
“We need to talk.”
I opened the bottle and took a big drink. “You’re speaking to me now?”
Even though last night had gone well between us, and bringing Leona pleasure as a group would always be my most favorite thing in the world, I knew Ryuji hated me.
I didn’t exactly feel like listening to him yell at me again, even though I deserved it, so I turned away and started walking back to the elevator.
“Wait,” he said, following me. “Please.”
I sighed. “What?”
He gestured for me to sit on the press bench, so I did, and he pulled over another bench to sit across from me. “I…wanted to apologize.”
I took another drink. “Leona put you up to this.”
“She didn’t. I’m serious this time.”
I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye, then looked around the gym. This had to be a trap. Someone else was about to pop around the corner and scare me. Or, he was waiting to lull me into a false sense of security before he shanked me. It was Ryu, so I wouldn’t put it past him.
“You’ve hated me for weeks now, Ryu. Forgive me if I don’t believe your sincerity.”
“I know.” He rested his elbows on his thighs. “I’ve been a dick.”
My eyebrows furrowed. He didn’t look like he was playing around. He looked more serious than I’d ever seen him.
“What in the world is happening right now?” I asked. “Ryuji is apologizing. Is this a dream?”
The corner of his mouth pulled into a smile. “Wynn. Just let me talk for a second.”
“It’s fine,” I said with a wave of my hand. “You don’t have to apologize. ”
He had been right the whole time. It was my fault. Last night changed nothing. I’d still failed her, failed them, and been our weakest link. I knew I kept fucking up, but I didn’t know what else to do.
“I do.” He rubbed his chin. “I…I love her.”
I snorted. “Yeah.”
We all loved her. She loved them, too. It was obvious.
“When she was taken, it triggered this…horrible fear inside me. I had just figured out how much she meant to me—I’d never felt that way in my entire life—and then the idea of losing her?
I thought I was going to die from how much it terrified me.
So I lashed out. I looked for someone to blame, and it was easy to blame you. ”
I inhaled and exhaled slowly. “I get it, Ryu. I blame myself, too.”
He shook his head and looked me straight in the eye.
“It wasn’t fair to blame you. You did the best you could.
You always have. It was never about you.
It was about the fear I felt at having her taken from me.
I thought if I could kill everyone who stood against us, I’d feel better and she’d be safe, but that’s impossible.
My fear made me act like an asshole, and that’s my fault. ”
I rubbed the back of my neck, unsure what to say.
“Love is…terrifying,” he continued. “I’m learning to just accept that. I want her, I want this, all of us , despite that. So, I’m sorry.”
“I can’t believe you’re telling me this.”
He chuckled. “Me neither, but she brings out the best in us. Even me.”
“Yeah.”
He stood from the bench, clasping me on the shoulder. “You did nothing wrong, Wynn. Can’t promise I won’t be a dick anymore, but I can say I won’t be a dick anymore about this.”
He left me in the gym, completely speechless. His apology left me even more confused than I’d felt before. Ryuji was always an asshole. I was used to it by now. I could accept his apology for lashing out, but I still didn’t think he was wrong.
At the end of the day, I was still so far in the red. There was so much left for me to make up for.