Chapter 16
Winnie
Slipping under the layer of bubbles, I let out a sigh of relief as my muscles instantly start to relax. I forgot how much work a toddler is. I love chasing her around the house and backyard, but it’s a lot more physical activity than the Marshall’s kids have been the past few years.
Tali’s so great though. She loves playing with me and following me around the house. She’s like a little shadow and I'm honored she’s so comfortable around me already.
I slide a little lower under the bubbles and lean my head back. I wish I had thought to bring a book in here. Something for me to do other than think. Honestly, thinking is the last thing I need to be doing right now.
“Hey, Jamie?” I call, unsure if he’ll be able to hear me. I don’t want to wake up Tali, but she’s a fairly sound sleeper.
“Yeah?” I hear his muffled voice on the other side of the door.
“Could you do me a massive favor?”
“Of course.”
“Well, first can you open the door. I feel stupid talking with a door between us.”
The door slowly swings open and I burst out laughing when Jamie’s standing on the other side with his hands over his eyes. His black, curly hair is sticking up in every direction. It looks like he’s been running his fingers through it nonstop.
“What are you doing?”
“I'm making sure I don’t see anything I'm not supposed to.”
“Jamie, open your eyes.”
He stands still for a second before he slowly parts his fingers and looks through them at me.
“Stop it!” I laugh even harder. I'm completely covered with bubbles and I know he can’t see me.
“What did you need, sweetheart?” He smirks as he drops his hands to his sides.
“Would you be able to get me a book to read?” I scrunch up my nose, feeling like I'm asking too much.
“Sure. Any special book or should I just guess?”
“Surprise me, but it has to be romance.”
“Dang, this sounds like a lot of pressure. What if I pick something dark and you’re in a romcom mood? Or I go with fantasy and you hate elves?”
“How much do you know about romance books?” My grin widens as I watch him shift uncomfortably.
“Ellie was a romance author,” he admits softly. “I know more than I care to admit. I used to go to signings with her.”
“Seriously? What did she write?”
“A little of everything in romance. She stuck to contemporary, but she liked to explore all the tropes. Her favorite was sports romance.”
“I love sports romance,” I say softly.
“I’ll be right back. I have the perfect book for you.”
He disappears and comes back a few minutes later with a book in his hands. He holds it out to me and frowns when he realizes my hands are wet. He rolls his eyes and grabs a towel for me to dry them off.
“Here’s one of Ellie’s books.” He swallows hard and I can see how much this is affecting him. I wonder if he ever really talks about her.
“I don’t want to ruin one of her books, Jamie. I’d love to read it, but maybe when I'm not in the bathtub.”
“This isn't one of my copies. It’s one of the books the previous owner left behind. I don’t have an emotional connection to this one.” He flashes me a sad smile and my heart breaks for him.
“I'm sorry you’re still hurting. I know it will never go away, but I wish it didn’t weigh on your shoulders so much.”
Jamie leans against the wall and slowly slides down until his butt is on the floor. He rests his arms on his bent knees and stares up at the ceiling.
“Some days I feel like I'm suffocating. I don’t know how to breathe without her. I don’t know how to keep going. There are nights I just lay in bed and wonder why this had to happen? Why did she have to die? Why couldn’t it have been me?” Tears fill his eyes and break my heart even more.
“You’re killing me. Can't we have this conversation when I'm not in the bathtub?”
“Crap. You probably don’t want to hear about Ellie, especially when you’re trying to relax. I’ll just go.” He moves to stand, but I stop him.
“No! That’s not it at all. I just… I wish I could give you a hug or comfort you in some way, but that’s hard when I'm in a bathtub. I want to hear about the amazing woman who owns your heart. I want to hear about Tali’s mom and everything else you want to tell me.”
He nods his head, but he doesn’t continue. I wonder if he’s regretting bringing it up at all.
“Keep telling me about her. Please, Jamie.” I watch him carefully. He nods his head and swallows hard, like he’s trying to muster the strength to keep going.
“She was quiet and shy. We met in college when we had to do a project together. We were both a little awkward and didn’t know how to talk to each other.”
“What’d you do?”
“Well, she gave me her part of our project to read over.” He chuckles as he stares up at the ceiling again. “Only, she gave me a book she was working on and not her project. It was a steamy part of the book too.”
“No! Oh my gosh! What did you do?” I cover my mouth with my hands. I’d be mortified if that happened to me.
“I read the entire thing while she read my part. When I was finished, I set the paper down and waited for her to finish reading my half of the project. She told me an entire list of things that needed to be changed on mine and when she asked what I thought of hers, I told her I didn’t think the professor would accept this and I asked what flavor cotton candy was the male main character’s favorite.
She turned bright red and refused to talk to me the rest of the night.
The next day, I brought her a container of blue raspberry cotton candy and told her that was my favorite flavor.
It became a huge joke and soon she was asking me what I thought of different scenes she was working on. ”
I glance down at the book by Jamie’s feet and gasp. I didn’t recognize the name Ellie Schmidt, but that’s because Ellie didn’t write under her real name. She wrote under a pen name.
“Your wife was Tali Sparrow?” I blink at the name on the cover, unable to find any other words to say.
“She always loved the name Tali. She made me promise if we ever had a little girl, we’d name her Tali.” He smiles.
“Jamie! Tali Sparrow is my favorite author! I think I’ve read all of her books… But didn’t she just put out another book?”
“Ellie had dozens of books saved on her computer. They were all finished and ready to be published. I decided to keep her pen name going. I couldn’t stomach the thought of telling her fans she was gone.
It was bad enough dealing with her loss by myself.
Maybe it was selfish, but I didn’t want people mourning her with me. ”
“Just like people will eventually find out about Tali, people will eventually find out Ellie died, Jamie.”
“I know,” he whispers. “I'm just hoping by then it won't hurt so badly… When she realized she wasn’t going to make it through the delivery, she made me promise to take care of Tali and keep releasing her books. I'm trying to honor her wishes, Winnie. I didn’t realize she wasn’t going to survive. I thought she’d be fine.
” His voice clogs with emotion as the first tear slips down his cheek.
He squeezes his eyes shut, forcing more tears to fall.
I don’t hesitate. I grab a towel and wrap it around my body as I climb out of the tub. I settle on the floor next to him and wrap my arms around his waist.
“You’re an amazing husband and father, Jamie. You’re doing such a great job with Tali. Ellie would be so proud of you.”
“I'm not so sure about that.”
“I am. You’re present in her life. You put her first and put your own life on hold.
You’re going above and beyond what most children get from a two parent household.
Tali’s a lucky little girl. The amount of love you have for her…
” I shake my head. “The amount of love you have for Ellie, it’s overwhelming.
I wish I had someone who loved me like that.
Maybe I wouldn’t be so hesitant to be in a relationship then. ”
“I told you, you need to find a real man, not a boy.”
“Yeah, I found a great one, but I'm not sure he’s really ready.”
“He’s ready, but he’ll never stop loving his wife and some days will be harder than others. Sometimes he might fall to pieces at the memory of her and you’ll have to be ok with that.”
“I think I can handle that as long as he talks to me. I need to know where his head is at.”
“Then you’ll have no problems. He’s ready to find his next great love.” He presses a kiss to the top of my head and tugs me so I'm sitting between his legs and my back is against his chest. He wraps his arms around me and we sit like that for a while.
“I think you should get some sleep,” I whisper as I climb to my feet and hold out a hand to help Jamie up.
“I won't be able to sleep. I’ll be up all night. I always am after talking about her… Will you lay with me for a little bit? You don’t have to sleep in bed with me, but maybe if you lay with me my brain will relax a little.”
“Of course. Let me go grab some clothes and I’ll be right back.”
I get changed as quickly as I can and twist my hair into a braid. When I'm finished, I head back into Jamie’s room. Tali’s no longer lying in the center of the mattress, now Jamie’s in her place with just a pair of gray sweatpants sitting low on his hips.
His arm is tucked behind his head as he watches me walk into his room.
I slowly pull back the covers and climb in next to him.
I'm waiting for him to tell me he changed his mind. To tell me this is a mistake and he wants me to leave. To say he doesn’t want me to be Tali’s nanny because it’s messing with his head and his heart.
“Stop overthinking, sweetheart. I promise you I have no problem discussing where my head is with you. I always had a raw and vulnerable relationship with Ellie and I'm happy to do the same with you as long as you’ll do the same.”
“I'm scared you’re going to regret this. That you’ll eventually kick me out because you can't take the thought of moving on from Ellie,” I blurt out before I can stop myself.
“I don’t regret kissing you.” He erases the distance between us until he’s hovering over me.
“Will it be hard to stomach the idea of moving on some days? Absolutely, but that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me feeling like I'm losing a little more of Ellie. She kept telling me when she was pregnant, if something happened to her, she wanted me to get remarried. To find an amazing woman who would be the perfect mom to our little baby. She wanted me to have more kids and to have the life we always dreamed of. I think she somehow knew she wouldn’t survive to meet our child.”
“Then what are you doing with me?” I laugh through the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks.
“Ellie always said the right person just feels… right. She was much better with words and would’ve made it sound like poetry, but that was the gist of it.
I don’t know how to explain it, but things are easy with you.
Comfortable. It’s like we just clicked. As soon as we met, Ellie’s words kept playing over and over in my head.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how easily you fit into our lives. ”
“I don’t know if I can live up to that, Jamie.”
“I'm not rushing things, sweetheart. We have plenty of time to see where this is going. It might go up in flames, but I'm willing to take the leap if you are.”
“I'm a little scared of heights,” I whisper, making a smile spread across his lips.
“Me too, but the best things in life come with risks.”