Chapter 31
Winnie
I groan as I get up to grab my phone off the counter where it’s charging in the kitchen. I’ve ignored every text message from Jamie and every phone call. I don’t want to talk to him.
No matter what he says and how bad it makes me feel, I'm saying worse to myself. I allowed Tali to get hurt and I’ll never forgive myself for that.
I miss her so much. I’ve cried every day since I left Jamie’s house.
I split my time between watching TV and crying my eyes out.
I know I need to figure out what to do from here.
I could go find a new job, but what parent is going to hire me after what happened with Tali?
I could crawl back to Jamie and beg him to let me continue nannying for Tali, but why would he let me?
As I unlock my screen, I'm met with hundreds of notifications on each of my social media apps. I scowl as I check the first one and find a comment telling me to take him back. The next is a comment on the same post, telling me to forgive him.
I scroll up to the post and click play without even looking to see what it is. The voice that fills the air has tears instantly gathering in my eyes and streaming down my cheeks.
“This part is just for Winnie. She won't talk to me or answer any of my calls. She moved out of our house and I don’t know how else to get through to her,” Jamie says in such a broken voice. He almost doesn’t even sound like himself.
“It’s ok, Schmidt, take your time. I can edit all of this later on,” Liliana says softly.
“No, I don’t want you to edit a thing. I want everyone to realize this isn't me trying to look good, this is eating me up inside. Jeez, Lils, how did I let this happen? How did I let the woman I love slip through my fingers so easily? When I got to the hospital, I was so worried about Tali. I had been traveling and I guess I got the call when I was already in the air. I didn’t know until we landed and it was a few hours after the accident.
I rushed to the hospital as quickly as I could.
Winnie was already awake and out of surgery.
I didn’t even know she needed surgery. I thought she was fine.
And so, I exploded at her. I said so many horrible things to her and she didn’t deserve any of it. ”
“No, she didn’t.”
“I'm sorry, Winnie. I don’t know how many times you need me to say it, but I’ll keep apologizing until my dying breath.
I'm sorry I ruined everything we had. I'm sorry for doubting you when I should’ve been thanking you. I'm sorry for what you went through and for not being a support for you in the aftermath. I hope and pray you can forgive me because I don’t want to live without you, sweetheart. I want to marry you and make you officially Tali’s mom.
I want to have more kids with you and give you the family you’ve always wanted.
I want to give you the entire world, Winnie, I just need you to forgive me. ”
“Is there anything else you’d like to say?” Liliana asks softly.
“Come home, Winnie. Tali misses you. I miss you. If our little girl cries for her Win-Win one more time, I might not survive this.”
I glance up as a car pulls down the long driveway and stops in front of the garage. I slowly stand and brush any dirt that might’ve stuck to the back of my leggings off.
I’ve been sitting on Jamie’s porch for the last two hours. I could’ve called him or texted him, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to see him in person. To be able to stare into his eyes and know if he really means everything he said in his interview with Liliana.
I could’ve let myself into the house, but it felt wrong to go in without him knowing. I need to know I'm really welcome here before I enter without permission.
As soon as I finished listening to the clip, I found Liliana’s podcast and played it from start to finish. Then, I called Liliana and talked to her.
She said she’s never seen Schmidt so upset and never met someone who regretted their actions more. I knew I needed to give him a chance to explain himself. A chance to see where we should go from here.
“Winnie? Wow, you’re here!” Jamie says as soon as he climbs out of the car. He glances at the back seat of the car and then to me. I know what he’s doing. He doesn’t want to leave Tali in the car, but he also doesn’t want to turn his back on me in case I change my mind and run.
“You can get her out,” I say softly.
He watches me for another moment before he swings open the back door and starts unbuckling Tali. As soon as her feet hit the ground, she lets out a shriek and races towards me.
“Win-Win! I miss you, Win-Win!”
I bend down and hug her against my body.
I can't lift her up and that kills me. I just want to place her on my hip and carry her around the rest of the day. She wraps her little arms as tightly as she can around my neck and doesn’t let go.
I close my eyes and soak up her love, unsure of what’s going to happen today.
I'm not sure if I'm going to forgive him or move on, I just know I needed to see him one last time before I made any decisions.
When I open my eyes, I glance up to find Jamie’s standing in front of me with his hands stuffed inside his pockets.
He’s watching me with tears spilling down his cheeks, but he doesn’t care.
He makes no move to swipe them away or to make them stop.
He’s being raw and vulnerable with me, just like he always promised to be.
“I missed you, Tali Girl,” I whisper, maintaining my eye contact with Jamie.
“We both missed you, sweetheart. We want you to come home,” his voice is raspy and filled with emotion. He looks like it’s taking all his strength to keep his hands in his pockets and not reach for me.
“Yeah! Come home, Win-Win!” Tali pulls back and puts her hands on either side of my face. She squeezes my cheeks until my lips pucker and she giggles.
“I think we need to talk.”
Jamie nods his head as he sucks his bottom lip between his teeth and nibbles on it. He steps past me and unlocks the front door. He motions for me to head in first, but I shake my head.
“I can't lift her. I'm not allowed to lift anything for a few more weeks.”
“C’mon, Tali. Let go of Winnie.” Jamie takes her hand in his, but she won't let go of me.
“No! She my Win-Win. She not leave!” She whimpers, holding onto me tighter.
“I'm not leaving, Tali Girl, but I need you to hold my hand. I have an owie and I can't pick you up, ok? Do you want to hold my hand?”
“Ok,” she whispers, letting go of my neck, but grabbing my hand in a death grip before I can even stand.
The house is a disaster. There are blankets and pillows all over the place. Cups litter the coffee table and the sink is overflowing with dishes.
“What happened?” I glance over my shoulder at Jamie and he ducks his head with embarrassment.
“I stopped trying.” He shrugs.
“Stopped trying to do what?”
“Everything,” he whispers. “I made sure Tali was taken care of, but nothing else matters without you, Winnie. I'm completely lost.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t you dare say nothing else matters.”
“But it doesn’t! Do you realize I feel more broken since I came home and found you gone than when Ellie died?
Do you understand how messed up that is?
She died, and yet I could keep going. I kept showing up for all the things I was expected to do…
Yet in the last week, the only thing I’ve done is the interview with Liliana.
I’ve gone to practice, but I barely tried.
I think the only reason I even went was to figure out where you were and how I could get you back.
I didn’t care about baseball at all and everyone knows that.
Owen and Levi told me to go home and stay home until I figured this all out. ”
“Jamie,” I whisper his name, unsure of what else to say.
“Answer me one question, Winnie. One question, and if you answer honestly, then I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want.”
“What?”
“How has your life been since the accident?”
I nibble on my bottom lip and think about how I’ve barely had the strength to get out of bed. I’ve been wearing the same clothes over and over again because the thought of doing laundry makes me want to cry. I’ve barely eaten anything and I'm down ten pounds.
“Not great,” I admit, refusing to meet his gaze.
Jamie closes the distance between us. He lifts Tali into his arms, but she still won't let go of my hand. I chuckle through my tears. Then he’s pulling me into his embrace.
As soon as his arms close around me, I breathe him in and let my eyes close.
Tali’s hugging me as tightly as she can, but Jamie’s careful to keep her away from my incision.
With them here, my heart doesn’t feel quite so broken. My shoulders don’t feel the weight bearing down on them. My stomach isn't twisted into knots. It’s like my entire body can breathe for the first time since we exited that store and my entire world was flipped on its axis.
“I don’t just want you, Winnie. I need you to breathe. Please forgive me. Please move back in here and put us out of our misery. We love you more than you’ll ever realize.”
“Love you, Win-Win,” Tali shouts, making us both chuckle.
“I love you too, Tali Girl.”
“What about me? Do you still love me?” Jamie ducks his head to meet my gaze. There’s so much hope staring back at me, but I can also see the terror. He’s scared to death I'm going to reject him.
“I’ll always love you, Jamie.”
“Ok, but like do you love me enough to marry me or do you love me like you love Wheeler?” I stare up at him and laugh. I can't believe him right now. “Please don’t love me like you love Wheeler,” he mutters so softly I almost don’t hear him.
“I definitely love you more than Wheeler.” One side of my lips lift into a lopsided grin.
“Enough to marry me?”
“I'm not sure.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you haven’t asked me yet.”
Jamie slowly sinks down to one knee, placing Tali on the ground next to him. He takes my hand in his and tugs a box out of his pocket.
“Winnie Teller, will you please marry me and make me the happiest man on the planet?”
“Marry me?” Tali drops down next to Jamie and stares up at me with a scrunched nose and a goofy grin.
“Yes,” I whisper as I tug him to his feet and wrap my arms around his neck.
Jamie moves me backwards until we’re moving down the hallway towards his room. I'm sure he wants to lift me into his arms, but I'm not sure I could take that type of movement without being in pain.
Tali trails after us and grins the entire time. Jamie tugs back the covers and motions to the bed.
“Get in. I’d lift you up, but I don’t want to hurt you.”
“What are we doing?” I chuckle at how Tali’s trying to climb on the bed with us.
“I think we’ve all slept like crap over the last week and we deserve a nice, long nap.”
“I think I like that idea.”
Jamie lays on his side and tugs my back against his chest. He slips his arm under my neck and drapes his other one over my waist, holding me tightly against him.
“Are you afraid I'm going to sneak away from you?”
“I learned a long time ago, when I find something I want, I need to hold onto it with both hands. I lost sight of that after the accident, but I won't ever again.”
Tali tugs on my arm until I let her pull it out straight so she can lay on it. She’s positioning herself in my arms the same way I'm positioned in Jamie’s arms. Jamie keeps a hand between my body and Tali’s making sure she doesn’t hurt me.
“I think someone else is afraid of losing you again too,” Jamie whispers, squeezing me a little tighter against him.
“Never.”