Four
Phoenix
I’m still reeling with irritation and anger the same afternoon when I get back to the apartment, deciding to skip our optional lifting session because I need to catch Kason before he heads off to practice.
It’s a good thing I do too, because he’s in his room grabbing a change of clothes when I stop in his doorway.
“What’s really going on with you and Holden Sykes?”
He glances up from his duffle, brows crashing together at the center. “Apart from the major cock-blocking you did at the Kappa Sig party?”
I shake my head, tongue pressed into my cheek.
“Cock-blocking. Funny. The guy must be rubbing off on you,” I reply with a little more snark than necessary. It only takes a second to realize my unintentional innuendo, and from the grin curling his lips, Kason catches it too. But I’m not in the mood for jokes. “Don’t you fucking dare touch that.”
He raises his hands in surrender. “Wouldn’t touch it with a dream or a ten-foot pole.”
Rolling my eyes, I cross the room and plop down on the end of his bed, not planning to let either of us leave this room until the full picture has been painted for me.
“So?”
Kason drops his bag and straightens to his full height, clearly unamused. “So, what, Phoe? We’re friends, we’re teammates. He’s hot, and we’re both kind of interested in each other.”
“Only kinda?”
“Jesus,” he mutters under his breath, his cheeks tinting a little red. “What’s with all the questions? You’ve never been interested in my sex life before, so why are you now?”
I blink, not sure where the defensiveness is coming from on his end.
“Because there wasn’t a sex life before now,” I say slowly. “And the last thing I want you to do is regret screwing around with the wrong guy.”
Something I’ve learned the hard way. And with Holden himself, no less.
Except, where I see my so-called cock-blocking as being a concerned friend, Kason must be seeing something else entirely. It’s the only explanation for the frown still etched in his features.
“You ever think maybe I need to make mistakes on my own instead of just taking your word for it? Besides, it’s not like you’re some kind of expert on sex when you’ve only done it with one person yourself.”
“Still more than never.”
His huff of indignation grates on my nerves, though not nearly as much as his response. “Well, if you’d stop playing guard dog, then maybe I’d be able to change that.”
“So you want me to just let you go fuck whoever, knowing you might regret it later?”
“Yeah, Phoe, maybe I do!” Exasperation is evident in his tone as he throws his arms out to his sides.
“I didn’t say shit to you when you started seeing Nico, who I thought was a grade-A asshole the moment I met him, by the way.
I kept my mouth shut the whole time, even when I could tell he would only end up hurting you.
Which is what a supportive best friend does. ”
“If you’d have told me how you felt about him, I’d have taken it into account. I’d have—”
“That’s a bold-faced lie, and we both know it,” he cuts in, crossing his arms. “You were head over heels for the guy before he ended things. Besides baseball, he was the thing that took up most of your free time. No amount of complaining about him or trying to make you see him for what he was would have swayed you into not sleeping with him, let alone not dating him.”
My teeth gnaw at my bottom lip as his words sink in.
The thing no one mentions about having a best friend for as long as we’ve had each other is the fact that they can see where the weak spots are. The deep, dark shit no other soul will ever learn, they know. The shameful mistakes. The forever regrets. They have access to it all.
And because of that, they have the power to use all of it as a weapon, should they choose.
I just never thought Kason would use mine against me.
“There’s a difference between my relationship with Nico and this thing between you and Holden,” I say quietly, my ex’s name tasting bitter on my tongue.
His brow arches as he calls me on my shit. “If that’s true, why are you being like this about Holden?”
Truthfully, Kason isn’t entirely off base with these accusations.
Because, yeah, Holden does remind me a lot of Nico.
Not so much in looks, but rather in persona with his charming and charismatic nature.
The same smooth lines with a silver tongue to match.
He’s good-looking, knows it, and uses it to his advantage at every opportunity.
I’ll be damned if a single person has ever told him no for anything because of it.
And he’ll throw you out on your ass without the blink of an eye…all exactly like Nico.
But it’s only because of what happened with Holden, how he’s been acting since we slept together, that I know he’s just like my ex. I’d be insane if I weren’t wary of Kason seeing him.
“I think you can do better than him, Kase. Especially for someone to lose—”
“It’s. My. Choice,” Kason says slowly, words coming out in staccato.
“I know it is.”
“Then act like it is. Because right now, it’s feeling a lot more like you’re trying to get a do-over through me.”
Maybe I am projecting some of my shit with Nico onto Kason right now. After all, it was the shitty ending of our relationship—paired with a tough loss going into the conference tournament—that led me straight into bed with Holden.
Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the place I’m coming from here. Which is a place of concern and friendship more than anything else.
Blowing out a sigh, I lean back against the wall and look up at him. “I hope you realize I’m only telling you this because I care about you. I don’t want to see you get hurt by yet another person.”
His green eyes soften around the edges before he runs his fingers through his hair. “I know. But at some point, you have to loosen the reins and just let me do my thing.”
“Kinda hard to do when it goes directly against the way we looked out for each other as kids.”
For as long as I can remember, it’s always been us against the world. He became a brother to me the moment we met, and our bond only grew with time. After all, we understood each other on a level no one else did.
Both athletes. Both gay. Both closeted.
Both far too afraid to ever change that—though his reasonings were far more dire than mine.
I’d do fucking anything for him. Look out for him and keep him safe, the way family does for one another—the way his real family never has. After all, there were times he needed to be protected from them.
As if peering straight into my thoughts and reading them like a road-map, Kason gives me an understanding smile. “I know you mean well. But we aren’t fourteen anymore, Phoe.”
I sigh in resignation.
No, we really aren’t fourteen anymore—and thank God for that.
Because idiotic, virgin, eighth-grade Phoenix had just figured out he was gay and became whacked upside the head with attraction for Kason.
Or, at least, that’s the way my pubescent, hormone-filled brain translated the emotions I was feeling.
My mind rewinds back to Holden earlier today and his ridiculous accusation.
You don’t want me with Kason because you want him for yourself.
I know he’s wrong—feelings for Kason haven’t entered the equation in years. Truthfully, I don’t think it was anything other than my wires getting crossed to begin with.
The love I have for Kason—love coming from a place of friendship—turned into this misguided idea of wanting more with him, and heading off to college fixed that too. It shifted those strange, warring emotions back to the typical kind of love best friends feel toward each other, and nothing more.
Kason’s knuckles rap on my skull. “Phoenix?”
I blink up at him. “Yeah?”
“Just making sure you’re still in there.” His head cocks to the side. “Did you not hear anything I said?”
A sheepish grin takes over my face. “No, sorry.”
He rolls his eyes, even though I can tell from the tilt of his lips he’s not all that upset.
“I asked if you could just…” He pauses for a second, choosing his words carefully. “You don’t have to like him, and you don’t have to be his friend. But if you could trust me to know what I’m getting into, I’d be grateful.”
Sighing, I relent as much as I dare. “I just wish you’d pick anyone else except him.”
He shakes his head again and lets out an exasperated laugh. “Is there something specific you have against Holden? Or is this just one of those no one will ever be good enough for my best friend things?”
It’s definitely Holden. Ten thousand percent, it’s Holden.
He’s the guy no one should ever want their daughter dating—or son, for that matter. And here he is, fixating on the most important person in the world to me.
“A little of both,” I hedge, not wanting to sound like a straight-up asshole. Only, from the arch of Kason’s brow, he can tell I’m holding something back, so I quickly add, “But leaning more toward just Holden.”
“Then what is it? I believe you when you say it has nothing to do with Nico…but there must be something else. You’re not the type to just hate on someone like this without reason.”
Part of me wants to tell him.
Tell him everything, and let the chips fall where they may.
Fuck, I should tell him. After all, he’s supposed to be my best friend. If anything, letting him know about the colossal mistake I made could prevent him from repeating it. But I can’t bring myself to open my mouth and admit to my drunken one-night stand with his teammate.
Because it’s embarrassing to be so easily tossed to the side and forgotten immediately after it happened.
Because I’m ashamed of falling under Holden’s seductive spell so quickly and easily, all to simply get out of my head for a few moments.
Because if I was going to tell Kason, it should have been when it happened. Six months ago. Not now.
And—maybe most importantly—because even if we are best friends, Holden is still Kason’s teammate.
With football being Kason’s life right now, the last thing I’d ever want is to severely mess with the juju between them mid-season.
Even if he’s willing to do it himself by jumping into bed with Holden.
So rather than let this secret spill from my lips, I lock it down and lose the key.
“I just think you can do better than him, Kase,” I tell him, repeating the sentiment from earlier. “He’s…”
“A fuckboy?” Kason supplies, a smirk on his face when he says it.
Understatement of the year.
“I think you’re putting it mildly.” I pause, hedging a little further. “And if you already know that about him, I don’t understand why you’d even entertain the idea of getting with him.”
“He’s a good guy, Phoe. And it’s nothing serious, we’re just testing the waters.” His shoulders lift in a shrug. “Who knows, he might not even be into me like that after we’ve been teammates this long. Sharing a locker room kinda leaves little to the imagination.”
“Which would make total sense when he was trying to take you home last week,” I deadpan.
Kason smirks. “Okay, smartass.”
“Just saying,” I say, raising my hands.
“You have to admit, fuckboy or not, he’s really hot.” His lips quirk up from a smirk to a full-blown grin. “Anyone with eyes and two brain cells to rub together can see that.”
I laugh under my breath. “If you say so.”
“Don’t act like you haven’t noticed.”
I just roll my eyes and shake my head, not daring to touch his comment. Because, unfortunately, yes. I have noticed just how good-looking Holden is.
Up close and very, very personally.