Thirty-Three #2
“Hey,” he says softly before shoving his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie. “Sorry I had you waiting so long. When I said that, I didn’t realize the game would go into extra innings.”
“It’s fine. It’s not like you planned it,” I tell him earnestly.
Yeah, maybe I was losing my damn mind thanks to the boatloads of anxiety I’ve been feeling since last night, but it’s not like it was his fault the game went long.
Phoenix gives a solemn nod before he looks down at his feet and kicks at the pebbles resting on the asphalt.
Theo takes the hint and offers his hand out for Phoenix’s bag currently draped over one shoulder. “I’ll see you at home,” he murmurs to me before heading back toward the bus.
I just nod and gnaw at my lower lip, thankful for my roommate leaving but also not knowing where to go from here now that we’re alone. Not sure what to expect.
Phoenix has me all sorts of off-balance.
“Walk with me?” I finally ask.
“Yeah, but I can’t go far,” he says, nodding toward the bus. “Don’t want them to leave without me.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say let them, and then I could drive him back to Chicago, but I keep the thought to myself and just utter a soft okay in response.
We fall into step beside each other and head away from the bus in silence. Unbearable, suffocating silence that drowns me with every step we take until his hand grabs my arm to stop me, and he finally breaks it.
“Listen, about what you said earlier…” he starts, trailing off before saying much of anything at all.
“I meant it,” I whisper. “Every fucking word.”
Unable to stand another second this far apart, I close the distance between us. One hand curls around the back of his neck, the other sliding down to entwine my fingers with his.
There’s no way I’m saying these words for a second time without touching him. Only, he doesn’t give me the chance when he pulls free from my grasp.
“Holden, just…” He pauses again and clears his throat. “Please, don’t do this.”
I can’t help the scoff that slips free while I shake my head at him. “Don’t, what? Don’t love you? Because it’s a little too fucking late for that, baby.”
His eyes close, like my admission physically pains him.
And I don’t know what to do other than forge on.
“Look, Nix. I’m sorry for the part I had in screwing up your friendship with Kason.
I didn’t expect to f—” I cut off and clear my throat, knowing I can’t say those words again without hearing them in return.
“Feel this way about you. I really didn’t, and I think you know that.
But it’s still no excuse. There are a thousand ways I could have handled this whole situation differently, starting with ending things with Kason the moment I knew I was feeling something for you instead.
Most of all, I’m sorry for not remembering that night last year.
Because if I had…” I bite my lip when his lids lift, a somber imitation of a smile curling the edge of my mouth.
“I dunno. I’d like to think if I had, none of this would’ve happened in the first place.
Because you’d have been mine a long time ago. ”
“Except I’m not yours, Holden.” His words come out in a whisper as his focus shifts to look past me, evidently unable to meet my gaze any longer. “I never was. Never will be.”
That’s a bunch of bullshit if I’ve ever heard it, and it ignites a blaze of fury inside me. Because how fucking dare he?
“Right. How could you be, when you’re the one who acts like this thing between us is meaningless.
Who treats me like some dirty secret you have to hide from your best friend.
” My jaw ticks, lined tight with anger. “You’re the one who chased after Kason when he found out anyway, and now you’re proving that you’ll only choose him by ending this.
Cutting us off at the knees before we even have a chance to be everything this could be. ”
His gaze shifts, dropping to the ground. “And what would that be?”
The words come out so characteristically detached, all I can do is gape at him. At this man who I’ve broken all my rules for, yet he can’t seem to bend for me.
And all it does is piss me off.
“We could be fucking forever, Nix!” I swipe my hand over my hair, wondering how in the hell he can be so blind.
“I look at you and see the rest of my life. All the shit I never knew I wanted. Or needed, for that matter. And you’re standing here, ready to throw it all away…
why? Because Kason doesn’t approve? Because you feel guilty? ”
He shakes his head, eyes still fixated on the ground. “Because it’s one-sided, Holden.”
Liar.
It’s my immediate thought the second his words register, but damn if the words don’t slice me to the bone anyway. But if that’s how he wants to play this, I have no problem calling his bluff.
“So you feel nothing for me, then?” I snap, glaring daggers at him. At this man who is so dead set on breaking my heart the moment I give it to him.
The muscles in his jaw tick, and I see it again.
The war in his eyes. The uncertainty waging the battle between his head and his heart.
Between choosing himself and choosing…anyone else.
And if my heart wasn’t already a pile of minced meat in his hands, it would break even more watching the anguish in them.
Phoenix’s tongue wets his lower lip before he glances away with a shake of his head.
“No, I don’t.”
Liar.
“I don’t believe you!” I shout, stepping in closer to him.
As close as I dare while he tries shoving what we have into some meaningless box to lock away and forget.
“You can’t even look at me when you say it, and until you do, I’m not going anywhere.
So if you want me gone so badly, then look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me.
” My eyes dart back and forth between his when he finally looks at me, searching for the truth that always lies within them.
“That’s when I’ll leave. I’ll drive to Chicago without a backward glance, but only if you can do that. ”
Phoenix steels himself right before my eyes, attempting to shutter his emotions from display while keeping his gaze locked with mine. As if he doesn’t know I can see through him on his best days, let alone his worst.
Then again, maybe he thinks if he lies to himself enough, he’ll actually believe the words falling from his lips.
“I don’t love you,” he says, his voice a rough whisper. “I never have.”
Liar.
I wouldn’t have to know him as well as I do to realize it. It’s written all over his beautiful, lying face.
“Eyes and mouth, Nix. Eyes and fucking mouth.”
“Not this time,” he says, even as his voice breaks on the last word.
“Yes, this time. This time and every single fucking time, baby. Because I see your fear—hear it in your words—and I know it’s what’s controlling you. What’s making you run away right now when we both know you love me too.”
He opens his mouth, and I can see it right there on his tongue. The truth waiting to break free and end our misery. But instead, he says nothing and clenches his teeth to keep the words in.
I slowly reach up to take his face in my hands, terrified he’ll pull away at my touch. He doesn’t, but he’s still strung tight; the hold on his emotions is a fragile one at best. A feeling I’m familiar with since I’m barely keeping it together myself.
My forehead drops to his, and the contact with his skin eases the tension within me while simultaneously creating more.
“I can wait for you. Or I can stay away,” I murmur, brushing his nose with mine. “But I need you to tell me which. I need you to tell me what to do, because I can’t read your mind. No more than I can change the way I feel about you.”
He pulls back at the same time a strangled sound rips from his throat—some mixture of a gasp and a sob—and it splits me wide open. Severs whatever is left of my composure when his tormented eyes meet mine, and I watch helplessly while he drowns in a choice he never wanted to make.
And God, his pain is breaking me as much as it is him.
“Phoenix,” I whisper, my hand shifting to cup the back of his neck. “Baby, please. Tell me what to do.”
All he does is shake his head. Over and over and over again while a war wages behind his eyes.
“I’m damned either way.” He continues shaking his head. “No matter who I choose, I’ll inevitably lose the other.”
“Forget about me and forget about Kason.” My thumb swipes over his cheekbone, and I don’t miss the way he leans into my touch. “Forget us and choose you . Your happiness, your future.”
Another tortured sound leaves him as he tries to look away, and then I feel a single tear collide with my thumb. It’s silent, but it might as well make a sonic boom as it meets my skin.
Or maybe that’s the sound of my heart shattering on impact. Because there is no worse pain on the planet than watching the person you love fall apart before your eyes, knowing you’re helpless to stop it.
He’s not going to survive this.
Not unless I take some of the pain or the fault or the choice for him.
Another tear collects on my thumb, and I’m quick to swipe it away. The knot in my throat aches as painfully as the heart in my chest at the sight of it, and I know what I have to do. Despite every cell in my body rejecting the idea, I’ll do it anyway if it means saving him pain.
I’ll choose to be selfless. Choose to live with regret.
Choose someone else .
Him.
The words catch on my vocal cords, but I push them out anyway—praying for my willpower and resolve to get me through breaking my own heart in order to save his.
“I’m yours, Nix. Always. You have to know that. So choose you, baby. ‘Cause I’m choosing you too.”
My thumb brushes his cheek, memorizing the feel of his skin beneath mine. Then, for the second time in as many days, I force myself to do something I don’t want to.
I press my lips to his forehead and walk away.
Because I’ll always choose him.
Even if he can’t.
Even if it tears me apart in the process.