Chapter 29 #2
It’s just after 2 a.m. when I get into my hotel room in San Francisco.
Max slept through the entire flight, thank God, never once waking up on the bus ride to the hotel or while I set up his travel crib in our room.
For him, I hate red-eye flights and the team has rearranged our travel schedule to avoid them this season; however, sometimes we don’t have a choice and have to get to the next city.
After brushing my teeth, I flop onto the bed, completely drained from the past few days.
But there’s a woman on the other side of this wall from me who’s equally as worn out, and I can’t stop thinking about how upset she was over thinking she wasn’t enough for Max. That’s not something you worry about if you’re “just passing through”.
Grabbing my phone off the charger, I shoot her a text.
Me: Are you okay?
A minute passes before she responds.
Mills: Yeah, I’m good now.
Me: Good. So, what are you wearing?
I hear her laughter through the wall.
Mills: Wouldn’t you like to know.
Me: I would. That’s why I asked.
She sends me a picture of her in bed, fully covered from head to toe. Oversized sweatshirt, baggy sweatpants that I think might be mine, glistening from her night-time skin care. Clearly ready for sleep and God, do I want to be in there next to her.
Me: If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?
Mills: Well, I don’t make a habit of lying to you, so go for it.
Me: Why were you upset over Max?
There’s a hefty pause before I get a response.
Mills: I’m not sure. I just wanted to help him. To be enough for him, I guess.
Me: Is that because you love him?
Mills: Yeah. I do love your son.
And she thinks she doesn’t fall in love when she’s already done it once this summer.
Me: Can I ask you another question?
Mills: Shoot.
Me: Were you jealous tonight?
Three gray dots appear then disappear, repeating that pattern a couple more times on the screen.
Finally, she responds.
Mills: Yes.
Me: Why?
Mills: Would you believe me if I said I’m not sure? I’ve never been jealous before. I’ve never cared about anyone enough to be.
Me: But you care about us?
I’m too much of a coward to suggest only me. At least if I throw Max in there, I know she won’t be able to fully say no.
Mills: More than I knew I was capable of.
Fuck, my heart feels like it’s about to explode out of my chest. I want to bust through the door between our rooms and pull her into my bed, to let myself believe she’s mine for more than the summer. But Miller made these rules, so she’s going to have to be the one to break them.
Before I can respond, Max starts to stir and it’s not long after that his cry begins to fill the room.
Quickly, I stand from the bed. There are times I let him cry himself back to sleep. Him being sick is not one of those times.
“Come here.” I pick him out of his crib as his wail gains volume. “Shh. It’s okay, buddy. I got you.” Bouncing on the balls of my feet, I pace with him.
He cries as I hold him. My arm is throbbing after a night of pitching, but if I put him down, neither of us is getting any sleep, and that includes our neighbors who share these thin walls.
So, I walk the length of the room. I rock him, rubbing his back until his screaming cry settles into a sniffle as he tries to find a comfortable position on my shoulder.
I take him back to my bed instead of his crib. Maybe this way I’ll get lucky, and he’ll be able to get a couple hours of rest.
Keeping him towards the middle of the mattress in case he rolls, I occupy one side, facing him. He uses my bicep as a pillow while he continues to cry, but this cry is the one he uses when he’s trying to settle himself back to sleep.
Rubbing his back, I make soothing noises, attempting to help calm him down, when the door separating my room and Miller’s opens.
She peeks inside and catches my eye.
“Sorry,” I whisper from the bed. “We’re keeping you up.”
She simply shakes her head and comes into my room, closing the door behind her. Lifting the comforter on the other side of Max, she slips into bed with us.
“Mmm,” Max hums, trying to say her name when he rolls over to look at her.
“Hi, baby.” Miller brushes his hair from his face before running her hand over the length of his back, soothing him.
She settles her head onto my open palm against the pillow, her eyes lifting to mine. “Is this okay?”
Typically, I hate someone else getting these moments, even the tough ones, but with Miller there’s no envy. It feels right that she’s here.
My words are desperate, but hopeful. “Please stay.”
She nods against me, gently stroking Max’s back and softly kissing his head until his little cry dissolves and he falls back to sleep.
I have no idea what she was worried about earlier, but it’s obvious to me that this wild woman is my son’s calm. And in a lot of ways, I think I might be hers.
Scooping my hand, I pull her in with my son sandwiched between our bodies, tangling my leg with hers, and draping my other arm over her waist in hopes to keep her close.
I liked seeing Miller jealous tonight, but she doesn’t need to be.
I know this picture, the three of us, will dissolve as soon as she leaves, but for now, I plan to steal every second while pretending there’s no end date to us in sight.
Because unfortunately for me, I know no one else will ever compare to how complete she makes both me and my son feel.