Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
FEbrUARY 21 AT 11:35 AM
Wyatt
Hey Doc, is it true what they say about swallowing gum?
Owen
No. And you don’t have to wait thirty minutes after eating to swim, and your face won’t freeze that way
Wyatt
Snarky. Not the bedside manner I was expecting
Owen
You’re welcome to help me work on my bedside manner anytime
Wyatt
Damn, Doc
FEbrUARY 29 AT 5:14 PM
Owen
Today I met an emotional support pig named Petunia. I don’t think it’s violating HIPAA to tell you that J’Nisha Abbott now has an emotional support pig
Wyatt
Well today I met my mother’s parole officer
I win
Owen
Was he nice?
Wyatt
First of all, she’s a woman, you casual misogynist. And second, what could that possibly matter? It’s my mother’s PAROLE OFFICER. As if our relationship isn’t fucked up enough, now I can say I’ve met my mother’s *parole officer*
Owen
Rehabilitation should be the goal of the criminal justice system, right?
Wyatt
AAAAHHHHHH
Owen
If you’re feeling the need to scream, I can definitely help with that
Wyatt
Finally, a response I can work with
MARCH 10 AT 8:11 PM
Owen
I just saw your truck in the parking lot of Don Diono’s
Wyatt
I’m on a date
Owen
Seriously?
And you answered my text?
Wyatt
Yes. That’s how bad it is
He “forgot his wallet” after ordering an entire bottle of wine that he proceeded to drink before the appetizer even hit the table. His understanding of subject-verb agreement is questionable, and he’s had a piece of spinach stuck in his teeth since the salad course. We are now at dessert and (his) third bottle of wine, and he looks like he’s about to pass out
He’s sitting across from me as I type this and seems to have no idea I’m on my phone. Or that I’m even here
I think I’m the DD on this date
Owen
Call him an Uber and get the hell out of there
Wyatt
You’re a genius
MARCH 11 AT 8:29 PM
Wyatt
A very weird thing just happened. I tried to pay the bill for the worst meal in history and the waitress told me it had already been taken care of
Owen
Lucky you
Wyatt
Yeah…you wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?
Owen
Have a good night, Wyatt