Chapter 13
From the moment he entered my life, Robby has been my world.
I often wonder about his mother and whether she knows who her son is with.
I’ve come close to writing her a letter that I know my father would never give her, but I wish for her to know her boy is loved.
That he has people who fiercely protect him.
I’ve done my best to care for him, with Ms. Greco’s help.
And when she isn’t staying over, I’m all alone with him.
The first year was the hardest. I barely slept.
He was an awful sleeper. On those days, Ms. Greco was here, taking over night feedings.
Thanks to her, I was able to actually catch up on sleep, which is a weird term, because you can’t catch something that’s forever lost.
My father never bothered with him and still doesn’t.
I don’t think he’s held him once. Not even as he played on the floor, smiling at him, reaching his little hands for a man who despised him.
But Robby didn’t need my father, he had me, Ms. Greco, and Matteo.
We gave that baby all the love he ever needed.
“Come on, poop head,” I tell Robby, holding his hand, heading down to see Matteo. “Let’s show him what you made him. He’s going to love it so much.”
Robby’s skills may not be that of Matteo’s, but the kid makes the cutest scribbles I personally have ever seen.
Since I gave Matteo those colored pencils, he’s made picture after picture of us. Pages filled with how he sees me, and in those pages, I’m actually beautiful. I don’t see it, but Matteo says he sees it for the both of us, and it makes me love him even more.
And I do love him. I kind of always did, in one way or another. I don’t know how not to. But every time I try to say those words, they get trapped in my throat. I’m scared. What if my father hears us and stops me from seeing him after that? What if he sends Matteo away or, worse, kills him for it?
Another part of me fears Matteo wouldn’t see me that way, that our kisses have been nothing more than two people who’ve known each other for most of their lives, trapped together.
He’s the only boy I’ve ever been around, felt this much for. He makes me feel like I’m floating. Like the world is something it isn’t. That monsters don’t lurk in the open. I forget it all in his arms.
We make it down to him, and as soon as he sees us, his face instantly brightens.
“Hey there, buddy.” Matteo opens his arms and Robby runs into them, that paper gripped in his fingers. I don’t know which one of them loves the other more, but Matteo is crazy about him.
“Is that for me?” Robby nods with a grin. “Whoa, let me see that,” he says, placing Robby on his lap and taking the drawing from him. He examines the rainbow of colors, no space on the paper left untouched.
“Is that the sun?” Matteo points to the scribble of yellow in the middle.
“Yeah!” Robby flaps his feet excitedly against Matteo’s calf. “This a car.” He points to something I can no longer see.
“A brown car. I like it. Hey, soon you’re going to be drawing better than me.”
Robby giggles, bowing his head into Matteo’s chest.
“I told you he’d like it,” I interrupt, moving closer.
“I totally love it, buddy. May I keep it?”
“Yeah!” He bursts with excitement.
“All right. You can’t take it back now,” Matteo teases.
“’Kay.” He continues to swing his feet, yawning.
“I think it’s someone’s nap time.” A lazy smile falls over my mouth.
“Oh man, I could use a nap too.” Matteo throws his head on the pillow and pretends to snore.
A fit of laughter erupts from Robby.
I let them fool around for a bit more before Robby rubs his eyes, and Matteo lifts him up with a kiss to the top of his head, handing him to me.
He looks deep into my eyes, a thumb stroking down my cheek. “Come back?” My heartbeats still or surge to life, I can’t quite figure out which one.
“I’ll always come back to you.” With Robby lying over my shoulder, I slice a hand through Matteo’s and I kiss him.
Slowly.
Tenderly.
And I don’t have to wonder what love is because he’s love. He always has been.
MATTEO - AGE 18
She’s right. She always comes back, and I love it and hate it all at the same time.
A girl like her should see the world, experience everything on that globe she’s been teaching me from.
All those countries she could visit, even move to, away from here.
From me. From all this awful shit. But fuck if it doesn’t hurt just thinking about not seeing her ever again.
She lies beside me, her head resting on my bicep as she looks up at the ceiling. “You ever wonder what other people are doing in this exact moment?” she asks. “Not just here. I mean, like everywhere, in all parts of the world.”
“Not really.” I stare down at her, my face settled in my palm. That sparkle in her eyes has me wanting her to keep talking. I once told her that her hair reminded me of the sun, well, that wasn’t entirely true. She is the sun. My sun. The bright ball of light in my messed-up life.
“Well, I think about it all the time.” She smiles, lost in her own thoughts.
“What else do you think about?” I brush a thumb down the side of her face.
Touching her sends a jolt across my body, right to my dick, and instantly, I feel damn dirty for even getting hard, especially here in this basement.
The thought of doing anything like that with her down here makes my dick shrivel back up.
If I ever get the chance to show her how much I love her, it won’t be on this mattress.
It’ll be somewhere beautiful, somewhere she deserves.
“Well…” She pivots to me. “I think about us. Like how much fun it’d be to stroll the beach together, somewhere warm and beautiful.”
Like you.
“And where do we live?”
“Oh, that’s a great question!” Her bottom lip gets caught between her teeth as she contemplates an answer. “I never actually thought about a specific place, but if I had to, we’d live on Corvo Island.”
“Where’s that?” I gaze intently into her eyes. “I don’t think you taught me about it.”
“No, I don’t think I have.” Her expression goes all dreamy, and I promise myself that when we’re free, that’s the first place I’ll take her. “It’s one of the smallest islands, west of Portugal. We could watch the volcano, go hiking after our stroll on the beach. We could even go fishing.”
“We fish now?” I chuckle.
“Duh, it’s our fantasy.” She rolls her eyes with a small grin. “We can do anything there.”
“I like this fantasy.” A smile casts over the shadows of my face, igniting my heart with something it desperately begs for—a life with her. “What else do we do in this fantasy?”
Her lips part, her cheeks catching sight of a hint of pink. My thumb brushes over it, and in her eyes, I find something she’s afraid to say. “Tell me, Aida. What else do we do there?”
“Maybe—” Her breath catches as she swallows harshly, glancing away.
“You never have to be afraid to tell me what you’re thinking, no matter how big or small. ’Cause I bet you anything,” I whisper, my lips landing on the tip of her nose as I draw back, “I’ve thought of it already.”
“I don’t think you’ve thought of that.” Her voice becomes soft and breathy.
“Try me.”
With another tug of an inhale, her eyes align with mine, and the emotions within them cause me to still.
“I’ve thought of marrying you one day,” she finally admits, and my heart swells because I want that too.
“Living in a house big enough for us and Robby, maybe a few kids of our own. We’re hugging on the sofa while they play, making too much noise, but we don’t care, because we’re happy.
Together. Finally, the way it should be. ”
“Do we kiss a lot? Because I plan to kiss you all the time.”
“We kiss like mad,” she breathes, rubbing her nose with mine.
I groan, my palm landing on the back of her head, tugging her closer. “Yeah, I like this fantasy. A lot. And marrying you…” I brush my nose down her neck. “…is on the top of my list.”
She sighs, her hands tangled in my hair, pulling me up, her lips capturing mine in a greedy kiss, her tongue sweeping into my mouth.
I pitch back, both of us breathless.
“One day, we’ll have it all.” But even as I say those words, I don’t know if I believe them. It’s a damn dream. But sometimes, dreams are all we have in the nightmares of our reality.