18. Chapter 17
18
Chapter 17
Julen
Julen sat in his bedchamber, looking at the wall but not seeing it. His eyes had no tears left. He couldn’t eat. He could barely sleep through the night. He hadn’t left the castle in weeks. His days had become an endless blur of wedding preparation; all he wanted to do was disintegrate.
The piercing pain of a broken heart lingered, but now numbness mixed with it. His body felt suspended between now and nowhere, a specter going through the motions of existence.
In a fortnight, Julen would be married to Glacia. He deserved it. He deserved whatever agony came with that nuptial. He had no desire to escape. Escaping meant freeing himself from the prison Lapistra had become, and he didn’t deserve that. He deserved whatever torment this territory inflicted on him. His deceit ruined his only real shot at love. He wanted to hurt. To feel pain. To feel punished. He did this. He only had himself to blame.
He wanted to exist in darkness. He wanted it all to end.
Julen turned to his mirror. His reflection looked back at him. The years of self-loathing washed over him. He thought he couldn’t cry anymore, but the tears fell. They streamed down his face like a deluge. That sick feeling crept back into his stomach, and his heart broke all over again. He wanted to smash the reflection with his first. Pound against the mirror so he’d never have to look at the boy who looked back at him again.
He thought about grabbing a vase and throwing it at the mirror to watch the pieces of himself fall to the floor. Julen quickly turned to the corner of the room where the vase sat. He raced over to grab it, intent on chucking it against that fucking mirror. Maybe he’d destroy everything in his room. Throw every piece of furniture against a wall and watch it all crumble. Perhaps they’d come barging in and see the chaos. The guardians would grab him and lock him away. Then he’d be in the prison he deserved.
He bent over to lift the vase when someone knocked on the door.
“By the Mother Planet…” Julen walked to the door. “Yes?”
One of the servants, Latima, said, “Your Highness. You have a fitting in the guest bedchamber.”
Does it ever end?
He opened the door, and Latima bowed before saying, “Your Highness. Please follow me.”
Julen followed Latima along the corridor to the south wing of the castle. He’d grown accustomed to being dragged this way and that, fulfilling wedding obligations day and night. There was never any notice.
They reached the bedchamber, and Latima held the door open for Julen. He stepped in and saw a woman in a head-to-floor gown wearing a top hat, gloves, and a veil.
Latima closed the door behind him, and before Julen could even speak, the woman ripped off her hat and veil.
“Souzie!” Julen shouted, then covered his mouth, cursing his volume. “What are you doing here? Do you know what could happen if my father found out?” he whispered.
She pointed at him and spoke through clenched teeth. “You ass. You have ignored every letter I sent.”
Julen had ignored most of her letters. After the incident with Dacias, he disappeared. He read each one—pleading and cryptic prose—signed “Lady S” to avoid detection by the castle guards. Her veiled words could barely mask the concern behind them. In response, he had written just one letter: “He knows. It’s over. ”
Julen stood there with his mouth hanging open. “How did you get in?”
Souzie tossed the hat onto the floor. “I bribed Latima. Your mother needs to get new servants. I barely paid her anything at all.”
Julen pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is so beyond stupid. If my father sees you—”
Souzie interrupted, “You disappeared for three weeks! Three weeks, Julen. That isn’t how we do things. That’s not how our friendship works.”
Julen felt rotten. He was a rotten lover and a rotten friend. “I’m sorry, Souzie. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anything. I just…I just…”
The tears fell, and Souzie rushed to hug him.
She whispered, “I know. I know. You can’t disappear like that, though. You’re all I’ve got.”
Julen hated himself for being so selfish. He really was the worst person ever. “I’m so sorry. I just couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I haven’t left the castle in weeks. I ruined everything, Souzie.”
He plopped down on a blue chaise, and Souzie sat beside him.
She leaned into him, their shoulders brushing against one another. “I know. It hurts. Have you tried to contact him?”
Julen nodded. “When it first happened, I sent letters through a Cupidorean courier. Dacias had them all sent back to me.”
Souzie caressed his shoulder. “So, you’re just going to marry that awful girl and live a miserable life?”
Julen stared at the floor. “That was the plan, yes.”
She elbowed him and said, “Klorin is bringing Dacias to Cupidor tonight. He told me,” she punched his chin and dragged it to face her, “so I could tell you.”
Julen froze where he stood. The thought of seeing Dacias again made his stomach flip.
“What do you mean? Did he ask to see me?”
Souzie looked at Julen with a sympathetic gaze. “No. But Klorin told me he’s pretty torn up. He only leaves their home for training. He’s hurt, but he can’t shake you. I think there’s hope.”
Julen scrubbed his hands over his face. “He won’t want this, Souzie. You didn’t see how he reacted. He’ll be furious if I show up.”
Souzie shook her head, “Of course, he’ll be upset at first, but maybe you can talk to him? Try to explain yourself.”
“But what if he won’t listen? What if he runs away again?”
Souzie shrugged. “It’s a possibility, but would you rather go through life wondering what would have happened had you tried?”
Julen closed his eyes and shook his head. “I don’t deserve him. I ruined our relationship. I’m getting married to Glacia. I can’t do anything about it, and I don’t want to.”
Souzie stood up and willed a gust of wind so strong that Julen fell off the chaise.
“Julen, I swear to the Mother Planet, who has, admittedly, been a real bitch to you lately, but get up, pull yourself together, and fight for this. Stop letting life happen to you and fucking do something about this!”
Julen’s whole body shook with adrenaline. She is right. I need to get up and fight for this. I’ll make him listen to me. I have to try.
Julen stood up. “Souzie, I love you so much.” He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed.
“As you should. Now, let’s go.”