14. Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fourteen
Johann
Magnus's workouts entailed jogging through the city as one big group, then calisthenics in the fields by the regent's home. After that, we did combat drills, and then we grabbed wooden swords and hammered away at each other.
It was great.
Every time I attended these workouts, I came out of them feeling more in control of my life and situation. Something about physical exertion purged me of my worries and angst, as if they were toxins flushed away by my sweat.
I gave Magnus a pat on the shoulder and returned to the inn. Magnus promised he'd be over later to say hallo to Effie. I'd told him about little Dunu visiting, and he'd shaken his head in disbelief, swearing he wanted Ceridor to verify the unseen sprite before he worried about us going crazy.
As soon as Ceridor got home, I would talk to him, about a lot of things.
Back at the inn, Dunu had gone, leaving just the candles going in a waxy puddle at the edge of the counter and her little teeth marks scraped against the wood.
"She's so good about helping with the leftovers!" Effie exclaimed cheerfully from the kitchen.
I shook my head and grinned at her, knowing those were no leftovers: my sister purposely set aside rolls for when Dunu might come by.
I took my shoes off and stood in the entryway for a minute. Something felt strange.
" Alles okay? " my sister tossed over.
What was this feeling? The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up. It was like my instinct was shouting at me to perk up and notice something, but I didn't know what.
"Anything unusual happen while I was gone?" I asked.
" Nein ," she called back from the stove. "The two overnight families checked out. Dunu left, then an old man came through asking to use our bathroom, though he's been in there a while. Maybe go check on him?"
An old man.
My heart leapt into my throat as I charged through the common room that served as our dining area for the guests and into the hallway that led to the boarding rooms, with bathrooms flanking each hall.
In front of my room—our room—I saw the shadow of someone standing inside.
I charged back out to Effie. "Ceridor's here. He's come home."
My sister's beautiful brown eyes flew wide. "How did I miss him come in?"
I knew the old man to be one of Ceridor's magical glamours that he engaged to cloak himself in hostile territory on the road—he'd used it to free me from Ulbrecht's men that fateful night two years ago—but I'd been sworn to secrecy on his techniques and had promised not to share them with anyone.
"I know it's him," I insisted.
Just then, a door opened in the hallway. My sister came up to the counter and I waited with bated breath to see who would come into the hall.
It was him.
Ceridor came into the common area wearing loose canvas pants and one of my sweaters, the lilac open weave one that hung wide on one shoulder. He'd worn it so much over the years, it was totally wrung out. He didn't meet my eyes but instead glanced at my sister, his arms crossed over his middle, holding his elbows.
"Where have you been ?" my sister demanded.
But the words that came out of my beloved's mouth were not ones I'd been expecting. Instead, they stopped me cold.
"I was mugged on the road," he answered softly. Then he held up a hand to halt Effie when she gasped and covered her mouth. Ceridor looked at me, a strange pleading in his gaze.
I had no words. I just stood there frozen and couldn't stop looking at him, so grateful to see him alive.
But the shock had shot me into a fog that I recognized from my terrible adolescence of getting beaten nearly every day by my father. I'd worked through several books on child abuse that Ceridor had sent me from the monastery library, and through many hours of reflection I had come to think that maybe I'd dissociated during the abuse. In order to protect myself, my psyche had left my body, and it felt like I was watching myself from a distance.
Because I'd engaged that coping mechanism so many times over the years, my brain would likely prefer to default to it for the rest of my life whenever such a situation arose, like an empty riverbed just waiting for the water to flow through it. Dissociating had taken the edge off what I'd endured, but now it didn't serve me anymore. I wanted to— had to —come back.
All the tools I'd memorized and practiced flew out the window; I couldn't remember them. But I could at least force myself to breathe. Breathe!
I wasn't sure what Ceridor saw on my face, but his eyes widened and he reached out and took my hand. I squeezed him and forced another breath through, grabbing onto the physicality of his touch and focusing on the warmth of his hand to ground myself in my body.
Ceridor stepped in close to me, slowly wrapping his arms around my back and guiding me to lean into him. "Johann, baby, are you okay? Come back to me. Alles okay ."
My partner had been attacked, and yet here he was trying to help me come out of my shock. I wrapped my arms around his waist and focused on the feel of him, his rough fingers rubbing soothingly on the back of my neck, his lips kissing my temple, his slow breaths in turn slowing my breathing.
Eventually he pressed on. "I was attacked in the dark, by four men. They didn't just want my money—I'd already given them my purse. They were looking to kill me for fun. I didn't let them. I fought them off."
Effie sobbed into her apron, and I was grateful at least one of us still had access to their feelings. I felt numb.
Effie came through. "You did it, Ceridor. You fought them off. I'm so proud of you. You came back to us, to Johann."
"Thank you, Effie." Yet Ceridor's sigh sounded a bit dejected, and that reactive pain at hearing him hurting brought me back down to earth.
"Come, Johann," Effie prompted, still scrubbing her face with her apron. She knew I could get like this. I'd told her about the term dissociation that I'd found in my books.
Eventually I managed to come back into my body, snap out of it and squeeze him. Ceridor hummed in my arms and breathed a sigh of relief. Tears finally burned my eyes, connecting me to how I felt.
"I'm so proud of you," I said.
"Thank you," said Ceridor, his voice also choked with tears. "I love you, Johann."
That nearly broke me, but I couldn't let myself feel it just then. I felt like I'd scream and explode if I let myself feel the full extent of everything happening, and I couldn't afford to do that when my partner needed me. "I love you, too."
" Awww ," Effie cooed, then when she came around the counter, Ceridor pulled her in with us.
Three-way hugs were weird and kind of awkward, but we broke apart when Magnus charged into the inn and grabbed his brother in a bear hug. Ceridor grunted and tried to cover it with a laugh, but I winced at the note of pain I'd heard and reached out to tell Magnus to take it easy.
"It's so good to see you! You took too long! And what the hell is wrong with your handwriting? You said you'd be back by the first snow passes clearing, but that was already several weeks ago," exclaimed Magnus.
Effie and I touched gazes. So Ceridor hadn't told his brother (and by proxy his father) that he was injured. He'd only told us.
Magnus pulled back from his brother and kissed his lady. "Hey, sweet."
"Hey," Effie replied, then giggled when Magnus scooped her up and spun her around with a triumphant "Ceridor's home!" She laughed and swatted him, but Magnus wouldn't let her toes touch the ground, instead letting her slide down just enough for some world-class smooches.
Ceridor touched my hand and I looked at him, my heart so full of relief. I took his hand and squeezed. Ceridor cocked his head to the bedroom and I followed, linking our fingers together.
"Are we just brothers-in-law, or do we have some making up to do?" Ceridor joked.
We weren't technically brothers-in-law, since Magnus and Effie weren't married, but they certainly loved each other.
I laughed. "Don't even get me started on how confusing that is."
When we got to the bedroom, I was relieved when Ceridor slipped into bed fully clothed rather than stripping. There was still so much for me to process, I didn't think I could be intimate.
"Hold me till I fall asleep? I need to nap quick," he asked.
"Sure, honey."
I slid onto the bed, but he flinched when I reached for him. "What?"
"My right arm is still injured," he explained, expression wary. "Hold me around the waist?"
"Okay. Your handwriting scared me half to death."
Then my lover looked at me, and the vulnerability in his clear blue eyes made the rest of the world fall away.
"I'm sorry I scared you, Johann. I scared myself. I was laid up for a long time. I'm grateful the medic at the monastery that I know—Corbi, Marit's partner—is so generous and treated me outside of the clinic so I didn't have to pay him nearly as much."
My tears resurfaced, burning me again. "It would have broken me if I'd lost you, Ceridor. It takes all the strength I have just to believe you're safe." And now with this attack, that illusion was well and truly shattered.
"Can you help me fall asleep?" he pleaded, "I need to sleep, then we'll talk."
"Okay, Schatz ."
I soothed my beloved, covering his eyes with the cloth mask he used when he needed to sleep during the day. I spooned behind him, connecting us from shoulder to toe. Ceridor shuddered and the sigh that escaped him nearly got me crying again, but I held it together long enough for him to drift off to sleep. He must have traveled through the night to get here and be this exhausted. Either that, or he didn't trust himself enough to sleep well on the road.
Ceridor's breathing evened out. I waited a few more minutes to make sure he was well and truly asleep, then slid from behind him and carefully slipped out the door.
Magnus and Effie were working on something together in the kitchen, so I grabbed my shoes and dashed right out.
It didn't matter that I'd just come from the group workout. I needed to run this off.