Chapter 12 PRESSURE MENSAH #2
I looked at her, knowin’ what she was gettin’ at. Before she could say anything else, she asked, “Are you comfortable opening up today? Especially with Pluto here?”
I looked at Pluto again. She was lookin’ right back at me, her eyes full of love and calmness. I reached out and brushed my thumb across her hand. “Yeah,” I said. “I’m done runnin’ from shit. She supposed to be here. She need to see me deal with it, not hide from it.”
Dr. V. nodded slow. “That’s very honest of you. So let’s talk about it. How have you really been processing everything that happened with Kashmere?”
I leaned back in my seat, exhalin’ slow. “I’m dealin’ with it,” I said at first, my voice low.
Dr. V. ain’t push, but just watched me quietly. That’s what I liked about her. She ain’t force nothin’ out of me. She just waited until I was ready.
After a minute, I shook my head. “It’s crazy, though.
Some days I think about her, and I’m like, damn, she really did that.
She really pulled that trigger on me. And it’s wild ‘cause I don’t even hate her like I probably should.
A part of me feel like… I get it. I was fuckin’ up.
I was tryna play both sides, tryna please everybody but myself.
I told her I loved her, but my heart was already gone. It was with Pluto.”
Pluto’s hand squeezed mine, and I could feel her eyes on me.
Dr. V. nodded. “You sound like a man who’s trying to make peace with something that wasn’t peaceful. Do you feel like you’ve forgiven her?”
I thought about it for a second. “Forgiven? I don’t know ‘bout all that. I don’t wish nothin’ bad on her, but she stole somethin’ from me.
I had to learn how to breathe again, walk again, sleep again.
She took somethin’ from my son too. He almost ain’t have a father to come home to, and I’ll never forget that. ”
Dr. V. leaned forward slightly. “Do you blame yourself for what happened?”
That question hit harder than I wanted it to.
I looked down at my hands for a second. “Yeah,” I said finally.
“I knew what I was doin’. I knew what kind of woman she was, but I still played with her heart.
I wasn’t tryin’ to, but I thought a lot about it.
That’s on me. I shoulda been real. Instead, I had her thinkin’ she had a future with me when my soul was already tied somewhere else. ”
Dr. V. nodded slowly. “That’s accountability, Pressure. But there’s a difference between accountability and guilt. Guilt keeps you trapped in the past. Accountability helps you move forward.”
I let her words sink in. Pluto rubbed her thumb across my knuckles, and that lil’ motion felt like a reminder that I wasn’t alone in this shit.
Dr. V. looked between us. “Pluto, how are you holding up through all this?”
Pluto took a breath before speakin’. “It’s hard,” she admitted.
“Kashmere was my best friend. We went through everything together. When all this happened, I kept thinking about what I could’ve done differently.
I feel like… we all made a mess of it, and now, I’m trying to learn how to forgive her without hating her. ”
Her voice started to break a lil’, and I slid closer, kissin’ the top of her head. “You good, baby,” I said softly. “You got every right to feel that way.”
Dr. V. smiled gently. “You both are doing the work. Healing isn’t perfect. It’s messy, and it’s emotional, but you’re showing up for each other. That’s what matters.”
I nodded, lettin’ her words sink in.
After a few seconds, I spoke again. “You know what’s crazy though? A part of me thankful for it.”
Dr. V. looked up. “Thankful?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I ain’t sayin’ I’m glad it happened, but when I got shot, I saw somethin’.
I saw my son, Kamir. He been gone for years, but when I was layin’ there bleedin’, I swear I saw him smilin’ at me.
He told me to go back. He said I still got people waitin’ on me.
I ain’t never talked about that ‘cause I ain’t want nobody thinkin’ I’m crazy, but that shit changed me.
It made me look at life different. It made me stop movin’ reckless, and made me appreciate Pluto more. It made me hold my son tighter.”
Dr. V.’s eyes softened. “That sounds like a very profound experience. Maybe that was your moment of clarity, a reminder that you’re still meant to be here.”
I nodded. “Yeah. I used to think I ain’t deserve none of this, but look at me now. I got my son right here, Pluto beside me, and Zurie runnin’ around the house callin’ me her favorite person. I got a whole family dependin’ on me. I can’t keep lettin’ the past weigh me down.”
Pluto turned my face toward hers and looked me dead in the eyes. “I love you, Pressure.”
My throat felt tight, but I managed to smirk through it. “I love you too, mama.”
Dr. V. smiled at us both. “That’s what growth looks like. You’ve survived the worst and built something beautiful from it. Keep choosing peace, both of you.”
When the session wrapped up, I stood up with Prestyn in my arms, and Pluto was right there beside me. I felt lighter leavin’ that office than I had in months. I looked down at my son, then at Pluto, and it hit me all over again.
Everything I thought I lost had been replaced with somethin’ realer.
As we walked out the door, Pluto slipped her hand into mine, and I squeezed it tight. “You glad you came?” I asked her.
She smiled. “Yeah. I really am.”
I grinned and kissed her temple. “Good. ‘Cause this time, I ain’t goin’ through nothin’ without you.”
We walked out to the car together with sunlight hittin’ us just right. A nigga felt at peace.