8. Sha’nelle Harper
‘LoLux Estate
As I made my way inside the house, I tried to keep my damn nerves calm, but every step I took had everything that happened tonight replayin’ in my head.
I could still see Renza’s expression in the hotel room with his phone in my hand while Reni’s name lit up the screen. I had answered it without sayin’ shit ‘cause I wanted him to handle that shit right in front of me.
He had just spent all that time tellin’ me he loved me, beggin’ me to leave Couture and swearin’ he ain’t want nobody but me, so I needed to hear him close that door with Reni himself.
Instead, he told her he was gon’ call her back, and that was all I needed to hear.
I ain’t scream, throw shit, or start questionin’ him about what he had goin’ on with her. I ain’t threaten Reni or make it seem like she was the problem either ‘cause she wasn’t the one in that room promisin’ me shit.
Renza was the one talkin’ like he was ready to cut everybody off and build some beautiful life with me, then turned around and left a door open for a woman he claimed he ain’t want.
I got out the bed, grabbed my clothes and started gettin’ dressed ‘cause I ain’t see no reason to stay there arguin’ with him. I already felt guilty enough about Couture, and I wasn’t about to add another long, drawn-out fight to the mess I had created.
Renza refused to let me leave, though.
Every time I tried to move around him, he stepped in front of me.
When I reached for the door, he caught my arm and pulled me back while swearin’ I was makin’ shit bigger than what it was.
He kept tellin’ me Reni was sick, and he was only supposed to take her some herbs from his mama, but none of that changed what I heard.
I finally told him that if he ain’t let me walk out that room, I would never speak to his ass again. That got through to him enough for his hand to fall away from me, but it ain’t stop him from followin’ behind me as soon as I stepped into the hallway.
By the time I made it outside and ordered an Uber, Renza was already dressed and comin’ out the hotel.
He went straight to his car, pulled around and waited without even askin’ where I was headed.
Once the Uber pulled up and I climbed inside, his crazy ass followed us all the way to Toni and Kay’Lo’s mansion like he had already decided there wasn’t nowhere in Trill-Land I could go that he wasn’t gon’ find me.
Then we got out at the gate and started arguin’ all over again.
Now I was inside Toni’s house, walkin’ toward the room that used to be mine while my face felt tight from all the tears I had cried. My head was hurtin’, and my body was sore enough to remind me of every bad decision I had made since I been on this damn island.
The crazy part was, none of this was supposed to happen.
When I got on that plane with Couture, I had every intention of enjoyin’ my trip, spendin’ time with my family, and then goin’ right back home with the man I chose.
I kept tellin’ myself that me and Renza was over and that enough time had passed for both of us to finally move on. Clearly, I had lied to myself.
No matter how many times I tried to close that chapter, Renza always found a way to pry that muthafucka back open.
Every time I got around him, I forgot all the speeches I had practiced in my head.
I forgot every promise I made myself. I forgot every reason I had for walkin’ away, and somehow I always ended up right back in the same place I swore I wasn’t goin’ back to.
That shit frustrated me ‘cause I wasn’t weak, and I ain’t never been weak… especially over no nigga.
Then Renza came into my life, and he made me question every bit of confidence I had in myself.
I hated how easy it was for him to get through to me.
I hated that my heart softened the second he looked at me a certain way.
I hated that whenever he wrapped his arms around me and apologized, a part of me wanted to believe every damn word that came out his mouth, even when my common sense was beggin’ me not to.
That was the part I hated admittin’ to myself.
Renza made me feel shit I had never felt before, and no matter how many times I tried to convince myself I was done with him, my heart never seemed to get the message.
It wasn’t just about the sex, even though that nigga knew exactly how to make me lose every bit of common sense I had.
It was the way he loved on me, the way he handled me and the way he looked at me like no other nigga ever has.
When everything between us was good, it felt too damn good.
But then there was the other side of him…
Renza ain’t have no middle ground. Everything with him was black or white. He loved hard, protected hard, fought hard and somewhere along the way, he stopped knowin’ where love ended and control began.
Every answer couldn’t be threatenin’ to kill Couture just ‘cause he wanted me back, and that was the part I couldn’t make peace with. Couture had never done shit except love me, and no matter how confused I was about my own feelin’s, I would’ve never threatened to hurt Reni ‘cause of mine.
If Renza loved you, he expected you to love him with that same intensity. If he wanted somethin’, he chased it until he caught it. If somebody got in the way, his answer was always to get rid of the problem instead of dealin’ with it.
That was the part of him I couldn’t fully accept…
That was the part Renza refused to see. Every time he talked about killin’ Couture or swearin’ he was gon’ get him out the way, it pushed me further away instead of bringin’ me closer, ‘cause why the fuck would you wanna kill an innocent person?
It was one thing to kill a muthafucka who try you or the family, but another to just kill somebody that has never crossed. I’on know y’all… the shit is bizarre if you ask me.
I understood him wantin’ me back. Hell, I even understood him fightin’ for me. But threatenin’ a man who had never done nothin’ to him wasn’t love to me. It was just another reminder that whenever Renza got emotional, he stopped thinkin’ about anybody but himself.
No matter how mad I ever got, I would’ve never threatened Reni I would’ve never wanted another woman dead ‘cause she loved the same nigga I loved. That just wasn’t love to me.
I finally made it into the bedroom and closed the door behind me before walkin’ straight into the bathroom. Soon as I looked up, my reflection caught me off guard.
My mascara was smeared under both eyes, my hair looked a damn mess, and my lips was still swollen from all the cryin’. I looked like I had been through it, and if I was bein’ honest with myself, I had.
I stood here starin’ at my reflection for a long minute ‘cause no matter how bad I wanted to, I couldn’t lie to the woman lookin’ back at me.
I was in love with Renza…
That was the part I hated the most…
I could wash my face, lay my hair back down, and put on a whole new face of makeup, but none of that was gon’ change what I saw in my own eyes.
The guilt was still there. The love was still there. The confusion was still there. No amount of concealer or powder was gon’ cover up what I really felt, and that was the part that scared a bitch.
No matter how put together I made myself look, I still had to live with what I did after I walked back out this bathroom.
A light knock came at the door before Toni eased it open. She looked at me through the mirror for a second before walkin’ all the way inside.
“I brought you the flat iron.”
“Thank you,” I mumbled.
She sat it on the counter, then came over and rubbed my shoulder.
“You ain’t gotta talk if you don’t want to.”
“I don’t even know what to say,” I replied.
“You don’t have to explain nothin’ to me.”
I looked over at my cousin and felt my eyes burn all over again.
“I feel like I done made a complete mess, bitch,” I admitted, still starin’ at myself in the mirror.
Toni came up beside me and crossed her arms. “I ain’t gon’ sit here and lie to you. You definitely made a mess, but beatin’ yourself up ain’t gon’ clean it up either.”
I let out a tired sigh and looked down at the sink. “I know that, but I still hate that I hurt Couture. He ain’t deserve none of this, and the more I think about it, the worse I feel.”
Toni stayed quiet for a second before she looked over at me.
She studied my face for a second before askin’, “You in love with Renza?”
I closed my eyes ‘cause there wasn’t even no point in lyin’ to my cousin. By the time I looked back up at my reflection, I had already accepted the truth.
I turned the water on and washed every bit of makeup from my face before dryin’ it off with a towel. Then I opened my purse where pieces of my makeup was and took my time puttin’ myself back together.
After I finished my face, I plugged the flat iron in and worked it through my hair until every piece laid back the way I wanted it.
When I looked in the mirror again, I finally recognized myself.
A few minutes later, me and Toni walked back outside and climbed into her truck. Neither one of us said much at first.
After a while, Toni reached over and rested her hand on my thigh.
“Breathe, cousin.”
I looked over at her and tried, but it felt like that shit wasn’t happenin’ fast enough.
About twenty minutes later, Toni pulled into the hotel parkin’ lot and put the truck in park. Before I could reach for the door handle, Kay’Lo’s name lit up across her screen. She looked down at it and answered without wastin’ no time.
“Yeah, baby… I’m good,” she said. She listened for a second, then nodded. “I just pulled up to the hotel with ‘Nelle. I’m finna head back now.”
She smiled to herself and shook her head like her husband was sayin’ somethin’ she expected to hear.
“A’ight… I will. Love you too.”
She ended the call, tossed her phone in the cupholder, then looked over at me.
“Soon as you make it to the airport, text me. I don’t care what time it is.”
I nodded. “A’ight.”
“And don’t forget either, bitch.”
“I won’t,” I promised.
She leaned over and hugged me one more time before lettin’ me go.
“I love you, cousin.”