18. Renaissance Harper #6
Somewhere in the middle of the kiss, I pulled him down on top of me. My legs wrapped around his waist while his hands moved to shorts. My heart was beatin’ so dam hard I could hear it in my ears, and every warm breath that escaped him made my stomach flutter.
He eased my shorts down my legs, and I kept kissin’ him like I was scared the moment would disappear if I stopped. Then I heard the familiar sound of his zipper.
A second later, he pulled his tongue from my mouth,
“You still got them condoms I left over here?” Renza asked, his voice calm enough that he probably didn’t realize how hard that question landed.
Everything inside me froze..
Just a few nights ago, after we ran into each other at the club, he stopped and bought condoms before we came back here. I ignored it then because I kept tellin’ myself we wasn’t together no more. I figured maybe he was just bein’ careful since it had been a long time.
Tonight felt different. It felt intentional, like there was a line between us that hadn’t been there before.
“I threw them away,” I admitted, even though it was a lie.
Renza pulled his head back and looked at me.
“You threw ’em away?” he repeated, confusion spreadin’ across his face. “Why the hell would you do that?”
I looked down between us and then back at him.
“I wasn’t expectin’ us to end up back here,” I said. “And I haven’t been with nobody but you, so I didn’t think I needed condoms sittin’ around my house.”
For a long moment, he didn’t say anything. He just looked at me. Then he unexpectedly climbed off of me. The warmth of his body disappeared with him.
“I’m finna run to the store,” he said while zippin’ his jeans. “I’ll be right back.”
I sat up so fast, I almost fell off the damn couch.
“You serious?” I asked, starin’ at him. “You really stoppin’ everythin’ just to go buy condoms?”
He finished zippin’ his jeans without answerin’. My chest started burnin’.
“Renza,” I said again, “is it really that deep? What? You think I got somethin’?”
That finally made him stop. He looked over his shoulder at me before lettin’ out a slow breath and rubbin’ the back of his neck.
“See… this exactly what I be talkin’ about,” Renza said. “Why everything gotta become somethin’ else?”
“How else am I supposed to take it?” I asked as I stood from the couch. “You was just all over me five seconds ago. Now you stoppin’ everythin’ because of a condom. You don’t think that make me feel some type of way?”
“Reni, I ain’t say you had nothin’. I ain’t accuse you of nothin’. I asked for a condom ‘cause that’s what make me comfortable.”
“But why?” I asked, throwin’ my hands up. “You keep sayin’ that, but you ain’t tellin’ me why.”
“Because you don’t listen. I just told you the other night why I wanna use ‘em. That’s where I’m at,” he answered. “Everything don’t need some deep ass explanation every time you feel uncomfortable.”
I laughed under my breath, but it wasn’t because anything was funny.
“Nah,” I said, shakin’ my head. “It got one. You just don’t wanna tell me what it really is outside of not wantin’ to get me pregnant again.”
“There you go,” Renza replied. “You already wrote the rest of the story in yo’ head.”
“I ain’t writin’ nothin’. I’m lookin’ at what’s in front of me.”
“Nah,” he said, keepin’ his voice calm. “You lookin’ at what you decided this shit mean, even though I just literally told you exactly why I wanted to use ‘em.”
I crossed my arms and looked at him.
“So you really that caught up in whoever you dealin’ with that you gotta protect yourself from me?”
The second the words left my mouth, Renza closed his eyes and shook his head.
“This exactly what I’m sayin’,” he replied. “You never let nothin’ grow. Soon as somethin’ don’t happen the way you pictured it, you start fillin’ in every blank. Then I gotta defend myself against a conversation I never even had.”
We was both quiet for a minute before Renza ran his hand down his face.
“I’on wanna fight with you, Reni,” he said. “I came over here to spend time with you, not argue. We keep goin’ in circles, and I don’t like where this shit headed.”
I stared at him, hopin’ he’d change his mind. The old Renza would’ve…
He would’ve pulled me into his arms, called me hardheaded, and stayed until neither one of us remembered why we was upset.
This Renza just looked exhausted…
He walked over until he was standin’ right in front of me. Without sayin’ another word, he cupped the side of my face and pressed a gentle kiss against my cheek.
“I’mma holla at you,” he said soft.
I wanted to reach for him. I wanted to stop him. Instead, I stood here while he turned toward the front door. I watched him unlock it, pull it open, and step out before closin’ it behind him.
The click of the door echoed through my condo, and somehow that little sound hurt worse than every word we had just said.
I stayed exactly where I was, starin’ at the door long after he was gone. His smell still lingered in my living room, and the sofa behind me still held the shape of where he’d been sittin’. Everything around me looked the same. Only we didn’t…
For the first time since we broke up, I couldn’t shake the feelin’ that I wasn’t just missin’ the man I used to love.
I was watchin’ him become somebody I could no longer reach.